Topic ID: 13684
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Armadian
Greggles
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 Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 9:56 pm Post subject: The River |
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I sat there,
watching the water move gently
down the stream.
And it's,
soothing.
I fell in.
And let its peaceful current,
carry me off.
So many things below its surface.
Mysterious.
The cool sensation of being in the water
came over me.
What mysteries lie in this.
Amazing.
I made a poem like this about fire a long time ago,...I think the other ones better so you might wanna check that out. Heres the link http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=2279&highlight= |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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| It kinda peaceful yet morbid in a way. I pointed out only thing that seemed to jump out on messenger. But I'm no expert let Brad view it and well we'll see... |
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michellel96
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| Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 1:14 am Post subject: I Luv This! |
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I luv this! It's so, mysterious and exotic! So...Wonderous!
It's really hard to put it in words but it so strange! No, not strange, UNIQUE!
I really paints a vivid painting in a reader's mind. The language and usage of words can be better. Yea, you should seek some more creative and lively language. It'll make it sound even more exotic. I mean, if that's how you prefer it, it's still a really great piece of writing. Oh, PS, more emotion would, I think atleast, help. I'm just gonna suggest some of my ideas.
| Quote: |
I sat there,
watching the water move gently
down the stream. |
I'd say, this is what I would do:
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I sat there-pondering
watching the water's still currents
move gently down the burbling creek |
I really like the "soothing" part. That was good language.
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I fell in.
And let its peaceful current,
carry me off. |
i'd do:
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I fell in.
And let it's slow current
take me away |
(but I do think carry me off is really good there too)
I don't know why, but this just came into my mind. it's kinda like a figure of speech but it goes with the whole "water" idea.
If you don't like the changes, once again, you can just ignore them. I just wanted to "liven it up".
 Great Work! |
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teigan-vm
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| Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2007 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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Mysterious, I would say, but peaceful. You have woven unique and surreal thoughts into this poem, which frequently sound strange, but help make it a good piece of literature.
And yes, I did like it 
Teigan x |
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carelessaussie13
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| Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 1:09 pm Post subject: |
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| The only issue I could find with this poem was that the "I fell in" line was very sudden and abrupt. Otherwise, kudos. |
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bubbles5
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 11:45 am Post subject: |
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| I liked this poem. It was mysterious and calming with a kind of tranquil nature. Although I do agree that some changes in the language you used could help. Overall I liked it alot |
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L
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| Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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This is really smooth and serene. It got me calm, but i do agree with Carelessaussie13, maybe fell in is a little too much contrast with the tranquility of the poem.
But i think the structure is brilliant! It fits with the flow of the water. (This was probably very obvious...)
Yeah i agree with michelle96 but i wouldn't over-do it because you'll loose the peace in the poem, and it will look too decorated. The cool words you have are fine to me, but then again i'm no expert...so listen to someone else hehe... |
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Pyxis
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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love it...
very peaceful.
can't wait to see more of your writing.
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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I don't see much in this poem except an unorigianl description of a river.
I can see what you're trying to say, but it isn't working right now. Hedgy words like "mysterious" are more telling than showing, because what is mysterious? The fact it is left on its own kills the word even more, and we are left with no meaning whatsoever. You also use "mysteries" later on. You have defined nothing and left me confused. Why is going underwater mysterious? If it's a metaphor for something else, you need to be more explicit with your wording before you can be subtle -- you've tried to go too far maybe, gone straight for the abstract without first learning the literal.
I think this needs a large overhaul. Your line breaks are strange too. Go to the writing tips section and there is a tutorial by Incandescence that talks about writing breaks -- read it and learn.
Good luck! |
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