z

Young Writers Society


Chionophobia: The Aftermath of Magic /P



User avatar
688 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 688
Sun Feb 18, 2007 1:01 am
xanthan gum says...



A nice ending, but the majority of it made me somewhat naseous. It hardly sounded like you at all - it seemed like somebody trying far too hard to assume a position that they do not belong in. The airy, omniscient view you gave this turned it completely sour. Usually it is first person with you; you're in the action, you don't try a powerful overlooking tone. I think if this was even slightly personal to you, it would've been a justifiable poem.

I still love the last line, though.
That could've meant something.
Carpe Diem.





User avatar
758 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
Sun Feb 18, 2007 1:35 am
Cade says...



I liked reading something that doesn't sound like what I've read of Brad's poetry. I think that the poetry in the first person is much more effective than this was, but still.

The things that can fly, fly,
while things that can’t fly flounder.

The first line might have been better phrased as:
The things that can fly will fly

you are a genius

Maybe: "...you are brilliant..." Genius sounded out of place, and it sort of rhymed with "pinkness." I mean, there is a small bit of rhyme in this poem, and I'm guessing it was intended, but "genius" simply sounds out of place.

Remember, magic cannot last.

Remember, magic doesn't last.
or
Remember, magic won't last.

Like xanthan, I liked the last line the best. In fact, the last stanza was the best, but that line especially. Maybe not "love", but in a better context...

What is the significance of the title? "Chionophobia"? Your Chionophobia? Hmm.

Colleen

P.S. If this was a completely incoherent post, blame sectionals, which were held at the crappiest facility I have ever had the displeasure of bowling in.
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."





User avatar
915 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 915
Sun Feb 18, 2007 2:17 am
Incandescence says...



Sara --


I'm sorry this wasn't a justififiable attempt for you. Experimentation, though, it always got me.


Thanks for taking the time to read and respond,


Colleen,


Part of the slant-rhyme is an attempt to move like a trick. You keep up a pace that's just enough to be lulled into before revealing the switch, the "magic." For that reason, I chose "genius," and I think I will keep that selection in future revisions. It is true, perhaps, "brilliant" may work better, but it's really an issue of the child's mind and how he/she is cognizant of events.

The "remember..." line is problematic for me as well. I like the idea it conveys, but somehow the language is not living up to the meaning. Your revisions suggest a simpler change, and I will consider this in revisions. Thanks!

The poem was inspired by Chionophobia, so yes, in a way, yes. The title should be read, perhaps, as a double entendre: Chionophobia AS The Aftermath of Magic or Chionophobia IS The Aftermath of Magic--whichever you prefer. One could also consider "chionophobia" to be "the fear of snow," instead of the novel I am working on. I think it works in a number of ways.

Lastly: I spoke earlier of the poem's struggle to work like a trick. The crux of this is to be showing things that suddenly appear and then disappear first from view, then from memory, then from the realm of “magic” as the tricks are discovered, and to show this in a surprising way. Perhaps the narrator shows how a trick is done, and in doing so, disappears himself?


Thanks again,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson





User avatar
758 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
Sun Feb 18, 2007 2:32 am
Cade says...



One could also consider "chionophobia" to be "the fear of snow," instead of the novel I am working on. I think it works in a number of ways.

Yeah, but what does fear of snow have to do with magic?
One could go into a long explanation of how snow symbolizes death but I won't do that.
I'm guessing you had the novel in mind, because chionophobia is a really random word to put in the title of this piece otherwise.
It's like...a triple entendre. Fries with that?

Lastly: I spoke earlier of the poem's struggle to work like a trick. The crux of this is to be showing things that suddenly appear and then disappear first from view, then from memory, then from the realm of “magic” as the tricks are discovered, and to show this in a surprising way. Perhaps the narrator shows how a trick is done, and in doing so, disappears himself?

That's a stretch.
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."





User avatar
915 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 915
Sun Feb 18, 2007 2:48 am
Incandescence says...



Colleen,


I had in mind the more appropriate connotation of "chionophobia" (which literally means "fear of snow") with "fear of rigidity"--indeed, this is an alternative definition many sources present. Interpret as you will.

I think you mean the question at the end of the paragraph is a stretch--not the paragraph itself. If not, please let me know. I have included many tricks that involve rapid appear/disappear combinations in the poem, which should, of course, demonstrate what I have said.

The question is speculation for you to consider. It has not escaped some readers.


Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson





User avatar
758 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:21 am
Cade says...



Well, I realize that...never mind, I can't write anything coherent right now.

Lastly: I spoke earlier of the poem's struggle to work like a trick. The crux of this is to be showing things that suddenly appear and then disappear first from view, then from memory, then from the realm of “magic” as the tricks are discovered, and to show this in a surprising way.

I have included many tricks that involve rapid appear/disappear combinations in the poem, which should, of course, demonstrate what I have said.

I didn't get this from it. Of course, I'm hardly as qualified as you when it comes to writing or criticizing literature, but that wasn't the feeling I got from it. Perhaps the poem wasn't quite good enough to justify it. I don't know. Most great poets choose words painstakingly, and I'm sure the same is true for this piece. Yes, a certain tone was achieved with the structure and somewhat-rhyme and all, the appear/disappear stuff, but....*headdesk*

Never mind. I have no idea what I'm babbling. *waves arms in air*

Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."





User avatar
163 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4987
Reviews: 163
Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:22 am
Kit says...



Mm, I disagree with Cadmium, I thought 'genius' worked, and I love your reasoning behind it. I think if you'd put more rigid rhyming it would have seem contrived. It's a little Atwoodesque in that respect, she lets things fall the way they are, as you did also with your last stanza, making it five lines, so it's sort of falls between things, between quatrains and a sonnet. Unless it's some kind of other more obscure poetry form that I've forgotten about, which is likely. For some reason the word 'remember' jars me. I like 'let loose the doves', reference to 'cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war', am I right? So you create irony by approaching something seemingly chaotic and fatalist, yet using the metaphor a dove, a trained, domesticated symbol of peace. I could be talking out of my arse instead of my smartarse but who knows. You probably.





User avatar
915 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 915
Sun Feb 18, 2007 3:28 am
Incandescence says...



Colleen--


The Problem: you are reading too much into the poem. What I am saying is not beneath the words--it's already on them. The tricks the poem mentions all have this vanishing element to them. Read it less sharply; it may become clearer. (That's not necessarily true; I just like saying it.)


Thanks for maintaining the dialogue,


Kit,


Thanks for your thoughts on this as well. Indeed, "let loose the doves" is a play on "let loose the dogs." Nice catch both on that and the in-between space this piece occupies.


All the best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson





User avatar
493 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 493
Sun Feb 18, 2007 5:25 am
Misty says...



I enjoyed this. It wasn't half so wordy as your usual style, but I found it perfectly acceptable, *far* from nauseating. One of my favorite things you've written in awhile. It's a bold piece that speaks for itself...

(A side note:I probably won't rewrite that piece you critiqued.)





User avatar
758 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
Mon Feb 19, 2007 2:07 am
Cade says...



Incandescence wrote:The Problem: you are reading too much into the poem. What I am saying is not beneath the words--it's already on them. The tricks the poem mentions all have this vanishing element to them. Read it less sharply; it may become clearer. (That's not necessarily true; I just like saying it.)

Oh dear, was I doing that? *apologizes profusely to this poem* I understood what you said earlier about the appear/disappear being in the words themselves. I guess this piece just doesn't work for me. *efforts are in vain* :?

Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."





User avatar
2058 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 32885
Reviews: 2058
Mon Feb 19, 2007 5:05 am
Emerson says...



I figured I'd read this in connection to Ch.

wow. Blew me away. The metaphor of a magician and how we loose things in life really gripped me. This poem beats anything I could write.... Damn it, you're amazing.

I think I like this one more than most of the poetry you write, then again, I forget poems quickly. You have a knack for everything. Poetry, fiction, drawing, science, math. I hate you. But, still, I love and respect you XD Keep it up.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo








the button war, the egg being featured member, and santa necro-liking halloween-esque works are the reasons i love yws
— Carina