Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
The Masquerade- Pt. 1
The Masquerade- Pt. 1

by Conrad Rice in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 31, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Elemental
Elemental the revised adition
Elemental chapter 1
Elemental Chapter 2
Elemental: chapter 3
Warrior of the Wind Chapter #2

Elemental: chapter 4

Topic ID: 13036
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
piepiemann22   View This User's Portfolio
For Honor
Master of the Forum

178
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1368
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 12:58 am    Post subject: Elemental: chapter 4 Reply with quote

Kevin was running through the city looking for what had happened. Everyone was scattering every where. Building caught o0n fire with no reason as to why and smoke filled the air. Kyle heard screams off in the distance and ran to see what was going on. He turned a corner to see the most horrifying site of his life. People were being mascaraed by what looked like Demons.

"N, No way. Phil w, was, right. Demons!"

Kevin tried to move, but his legs wouldn't budge. He stood there frozen in fear. The screams of the dead filled his head, all he could see was a sea of blood. A demon turned and noticed Kevin. It charged at him, but he still couldn't move. Just as it was about to strike Kevin, it is engulf in an inferno. Phil landed to his side. Kevin just stared at him. Phil began to walk forward into the chaos. Still, Kevin couldn't move. Demons rush at Phil, but they couldn't even come close. A great amount of heat and power began to admit from Phil's body. The rest of the demons fled in fear.

"Weaklings. Can't even stand my Aura." Phil looked back. "You okay Kevin?"

Kevin just stood there trembling. He looked around at all the dead, the blood. Kevin fell to his hands and knees and vomited. Kevin raised his hands. They were covered in blood.

"Kevin."

Kevin looked up to see Phil kneeling next to him. He put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. He helped Kevin to his feet and brought him to a building that was starting to burn. Phil raised his hand to the flame and clenched his fist, the fire went out. Phil brought Kevin inside and leaned him against the wall.

"You need some rest." Phil walked towards the door."

"Why? How? What's happening?"

Phil turned to face Kevin. "Demons are spawned from darkness. There only goal is to consume this world. This city was a test to see if they could control the human race, and destroy them."

Kevin looked up. His white shirt was covered with blood. his pants were soaked and so was his hair. "You, how can you?"

"Kill them. I'm a Fire Elemental from the Azul family. Fire is at my command, my goal is to restore honor to my family."

Kevin struggled to his feet. He looked down counseling his face. "I have no idea what is going on. My stomach is sick, I can't stand up straight, and my mind can't seem to focus on one subject."

Kevin looked up, hid eyes baring a gruesome looked. Phil stared into his eyes. "What will you do now?"

"I'm not sure, I can't think straight. Guess I'll have to follow my gut instinct on this one. I'm going to fined Jason and Elena."

"Good."

Phil disappeared into the shadow of smoke. Kevin heard the pitter pater of falling water. To his left there was a broken water pipe. He walked over to clean off his hands and rinse out his hair. the blood wouldn't come off his clothes that easy. After he took a drink from it he saw part of the pipe on the floor. He picked it up and saw himself in the reflection.

"Life can never be the same."

"Life, you have no life left boy."

Kevin spun around to see a demon standing behind him. They stared eye to eye. The demon charged and slashed Kevin's left arm. The demon stood there next to him.

Kevin's arm was bleeding badly. The Demon started to laugh. "You're so afraid you can't even move."

"You got it wrong. i don't feel pain nor fear right now. It's like all my emotions are gone but one." He took there pipe and smashed it across the demons head. "The only thing I feel right now is the urge to find my friends."

The demon laid there with it's hand over it's head. It was bleeding as bad as Kevin's arm. "Human scum!"

The demon jumped at Kevin, but Kevin ducked and smashed it's knee in. The demon fell to the ground in pain.

"I don't have time for this."

Kevin walked out of the building with the demon cursing behind him. Kevin looked around but couldn't see anything. Then, across the street, through the ally, he saw Jason and Elena. "What?" Then he saw the demon. "I thought they were getting out of here." Kevin ran as fast as he could. He jumped through the fire engulfed ally and smacked the demon across the face. "Run!" Kevin was stabbed through the gut a moment later. He took one final look at his friends before being engulfed by darkness.


_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.

~By me Anthony Delia
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Squall   View This User's Portfolio
Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry
Speaker of the Forum

453
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Feb 2007
Posts: 651
Reviews: 453
Country: New Zealand
3963 Points

PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 8:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hrmm it's alright at the moment but what I dislike was repetition. For example:

Kevin tried to move, but his legs wouldn't budge. He stood there frozen in fear. The screams of the dead filled his head, all he could see was a sea of blood. A demon turned and noticed Kevin. It charged at him, but he still couldn't move. Just as it was about to strike Kevin, it is engulf in an inferno. Phil landed to his side. Kevin just stared at him. Phil began to walk forward into the chaos. Still, Kevin couldn't move. Demons rush at Phil, but they couldn't even come close. A great amount of heat and power began to admit from Phil's body. The rest of the demons fled in fear.

Kevin was running through the city looking for what had happened. Everyone was scattering every where. Building caught o0n fire with no reason as to why and smoke filled the air. Kyle heard screams off in the distance and ran to see what was going on. He turned a corner to see the most horrifying site of his life. People were being mascaraed by what looked like Demons.

Kevin struggled to his feet. He looked down counseling his face. "I have no idea what is going on. My stomach is sick, I can't stand up straight, and my mind can't seem to focus on one subject."

Kevin looked up, hid eyes baring a gruesome looked. Phil stared into his eyes. "What will you do now?"

Kevin spun around to see a demon standing behind him. They stared eye to eye. The demon charged and slashed Kevin's left arm. The demon stood there next to him.

Kevin's arm was bleeding badly. The Demon started to laugh. "You're so afraid you can't even move."

------------

Look at how many sentences begin with Kevin. Quite repetitive. There are more examples of repetitive sentence structures but I don't want to spam my post with them.

Also, give the reader more info about the setting, characters and their feelings. It's by describing that allows the reader to feel connected to the story and the characters, hence they will be interested in reading more.

Don't worry, I make the same mistakes too. I guess that's why I'm here to learn more about writing.

Look forward to your next work.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on January 31, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on January 31, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, We think in generalities, but we live in details. - Alfred North Whitehead
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society