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Beginning of a story...
Beginning of a story...

by cocoboy in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 17, 2007
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Elemental
Elemental the revised adition
Elemental chapter 1
Elemental: chapter 3
Elemental: chapter 4
Warrior of the Wind Chapter #2

Elemental Chapter 2

Topic ID: 12791
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piepiemann22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 12:16 am    Post subject: Elemental Chapter 2 Reply with quote

"Jason!" Yelled Elena as she ran to him. She knelt down beside him and examined him. "I don't see anything wrong with him."

"What the hell happened?" Asked Kevin as he ran to Elena's side.

"I don't know." She turned Jason on his back. Hanging on his neck was a necklace with a white stone on it. It was glowing.

"What in gods name, what is this?" Kevin grasped the stone. He started to scream in pain. He began to glow. "The pain!." A burst of what look like air coming from the stone threw Kevin against the wall. He coughed up blood.

"Kevin! Are you okay?!" Yelled Elena.

Kevin leaned against the wall trying to stand. "What was that?" He slide to the ground. "Can barley move."

"Of course. What did you expect. That was an Elemental Stone. It contains tremendous power. You have no way to comprehend it," said Phil walking toward Jason.

"What are you talking about Phil!? Asked Elena. Kevin just looked at him. "What in in the world is going on?" Kevin hacked up more blood.

"I wouldn't try to move if I were you. You could kill yourself. Lets get you two back to the city with no name so I can explain everything." Phil glares at Kevin. He stared right back.

"What the hell is going on!? Phil, what happened to Kevin, to Jason, to you?" She started to cry.

Phil Just looked at her. He walked over to Kevin. "Let me heal you, I can to a bit. Your bleeding internally. I may be able to stop it." He placed is hand on Kevin's chest. His hand began to glow red and get warm. Kevin just glared at him. "This will hurt." Phil thrusted is palm into Kevin. He toppled over without a sound. "That was better than expected."

"What did you do to him?" Elena asked trembling.

"I cartalized his veins in his body. They bust open from the attack on his body." He smiled. "If you want answers follow me." Phil picked up Kevin with ease. He walked over to Jason and picked him up as well. "Lets go."

Phil began to walk away. Elena had followed out of fear, Interest, or both. She had no Idea what was going on. Some thing's wrong here. Who are you!? Answer me!"

Phil looked back. "Your friend."

She saw warmth in his eyes. She didn't know what it meant, but she felt a little better. She weakly smiled back. "Yea."

They continued to walk through the forest. The sun began to set. The wind blew and Elena got a bad feeling. The city kept on getting closer. She saw the necklace hanging from Jason's neck. She remembered what happened to Kyle when he touched it. She winced. What did you do Jason? They continued to walk until they made it back to town.

"Well head for Jason's house. It's on the out stretch here right?"

"Yes, why?."

"I have business there."

What is he talking about?

When they reached his house Jason's Uncle opened the door.

"What in heaven happened to them?" He asked.

"We need to talk."

"What are you talking about?"

"The Elemental. I assume you know what it is?"

"Mr. Roberts please help, they're hurt!?" yelled Elena from behind.

"Elena. Come in. Put them on the couches."

As they walked inside Phil and Jason's uncle gave each other ill looks. Phil placed them on the couches in the living room.

"Elena watch over them. They should wake up soon," said Phil.

"Is there anywhere we can talk."

Jason's uncle gave a bucket of cool water and some washcloths to Elena. "This way."

They walked away into another room. Elena took the wash clothes, dipped them in the water, and placed them on Jason's and Kevin's forehead's. She could hear the two men talking, but it was only a muffled noise.

Elena sat by Jason and Kyle for a little over an hour not moving an inch. She looked up to see Jason was sitting up.

"Jason!" Elena hugged him, he hugged back. "Are you okay?" She asked crying.

"I think so. What about you?"

Elena smiled happy to here Jason care so much about her and not himself. As Jason sat up he saw Kevin across from him. "What in gods name happened?"

I don't know Jason. He was badly hurt because of that stone around your neck."

Jason grabs it, "This?"

"Yes, some kind of power emitted from it. Do you have any Idea on what it is?"

"All I know is that it was my fathers."

"It's an Elemental crystal," said Phil walking into the room.

"What are you talking about Phil?" Jason just stares at him.

"How do you know so much, it doesn't make sense?" Asked Elena.

"It's because I'm a member of the Elemental too."


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With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.

~By me Anthony Delia


Last edited by piepiemann22 on Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:23 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

okay dude ther was alot wrong with this.
First I'll go over some opionions {I know that's spelled wrong but I really don't care right now)

1:Okay who acts as though they talking in their mind. There is no waysomeone would think. Jason wake up I need ypu?

2: swearnig doesn't make your story better, it only makes it worse

3:when someone screames don't write AAAAAAAAAAAAH

4: Make your characters talk how any normal person would. No one says "We need to talk old man," to one of their friends parents.

5:Alright you made Phil to much of an "I know everything dude."

6:If their was an explosion anytime when kevin was holding the gem, his hand would of been blown off

7: When your talking about wounds, at least KNOW what your talking about.

8:Your making the girl too weak. No wonder you've never had a girlfriend, you think they rely entirely on the man. {WRONGO!!!} dude, you just made her so..... so.... PATHETIC!!! Mad

9; There is no way anyone could hear someone in their sleep when someone awake next to them couldn't

10: Even if he knew he was home, he wouldn't of known phil and his uncle were there

11: dude, {You did try to build a relationship between Jason and Elena right?} if your girlfriend was sobbing in your arms, sobbing about how she thought you wouldn't be okay do you really think your first things you would do would be I think so." Jason clenched his fist. "Where are Phil and my Uncle."
{once again, WRONGO!!!!}

alright dude, i was harshly honest with you, I don't want any of it explained, juat take it into consideration.

12: I was going to correct everything you spelled or did grammacticlly incorrect BUT, i don't have the time.

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Glory is like a circle in the water, Which never ceaseth to enlarge itself, Till by broad spreading it disperses to naught. -William Shakespeare

join my Storybook, now would be a great time for a new character to come in. Wink
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suck at this. I'll see what I can do. Thanks.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AWWWSOME!!!! I'm in your story!
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piepiemann22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Kyle, but there are problems like matt said.

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~By me Anthony Delia
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 1:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, so, I basically agree with everything blackwings said... especially number five: Phil is WAY too much of a know-it-all at this point and is acting very snobbish. Not a great way to get your reader to relate to the character, if you know what I mean.

A few other points:

~Did you change your character's name at some point? Because in some places you refer to the guy as Kevin and in other places he's Kyle... and I thought that in the last chapter there were only four people in the scene...

~ This:
Quote:
Kevin was thrown against the wall out burst of what look like air coming from the stone.
was a very confusing sentence. Maybe "a burst of air coming from the stone threw Kevin against the wall" would work better here?

The "Elemental" thing is interesting though, I'm wondering what you have done/are planning to do with that... I'll try to read the next chapter. Smile

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