Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
A tale unforgotten
A tale unforgotten

by _earthen_ in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on January 9, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


A Vietnam Life

Topic ID: 12589
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Skuzm   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

5
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 10
Reviews: 5
Country: United States of America
200 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 2:42 am    Post subject: A Vietnam Life Reply with quote

Retreat! Retreat! Gun fire, that's all there was to hear was we were running for our lives. All of us, Dog and Bravo company are retreating through a dense flooded rice field with Vietcong on our tail. A thunderstorm inundated the field a day before. We ran through the rice field trying to get to the helicopters on the other side. Water splashed near my feet as I ran vigorously through the field. Then a stray bullet struck my foot. I yelled and fell to the ankle deep water, it hurt to much to run. Blood was leaking out the bullet hole in my boot. I saw a soldier run by me without even lending a hand. Another soldier saw me, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. Bullets were flying right passed my head every second. A mortar went off next to us throwing us to the ground. We got back up and made it to the helicopters. I looked out and saw another helicopter take a direct hit from an RPG. "Stop! Go back down, we still have men down there," Daniels screamed.

"If we do not leave now we will all be dead."

We left twenty men down on the field. We watched as they were soon taken prisoner by the Vietcong.

7:00 Am March 29, 1972, 2 Months Earlier

Captain Daniels and Dog Company are being dropped off by helicopter 3 miles east of the town of Quang Tri. Their orders are to link up with the 2nd Armored Division, escort them to Quang Tri and retake the town once again. On their way one of the choppers took an RPG to the tail wing and went down into the dense forest. "Captain Daniels sir, one of the other choppers was shot down should I continue or turn back?" asked the pilot.

"NO! We have orders, I will send a rescue party." He ordered. The helicopters swooped down like hawks and unloaded the men. They emptied in 5 seconds flat. The choppers took off and went out of view behind the tree line. "Area secure!"one man said as he hunkered down next to a tree. Daniels said,"Thompson, Hill Anderson and Fox you men are the rescue party, I want you to find that crashed chopper."

"Yes sir!" they yelled. The men diseappered behind the dense brush. "Well hello 2nd Armored." said a soldier looking down the road. Ten Patton tanks, four jeeps and two Armored Personnel Carriers came into view down the road. The vehicles halted as Daniels waved them down. Daniels said, "Your late."

"We got ambushed by a small group of Vietcong, so lets get going." proclaimed the gunner. The vehicles accelerated down the road. Dog Company trailed down the side of the thin rocky road. Gun fire and mortar fire could be heard from a distance. The tanks took up position on the main street leading into Quang Tri. North Vietnamese were everywhere, in the windows, in the streets, on the roofs. Tank shots echoed through the town as they expunged buildings. This will be a arduous undertaking.



Last edited by Skuzm on Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:34 am; edited 9 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
writergirl007   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

113
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 10 Nov 2006
Posts: 138
Reviews: 113

300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's good. I'm not usually into war things, but I like it. Interesting. You definitely capture your reader. It's just a little too short. I would suggest lengthening it. Maybe exaggerate on their flight for freedom or other difficulties that they may have encounter. It was a little rough, but good for a first draft. Keep up the good work. Writergirl

_________________
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dargquon Ql'deleodna   View This User's Portfolio
lvl20 Necromancer/lvl15 Fighter
Master of the Forum

375
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Apr 2005
Posts: 1270
Reviews: 375
Country: The real world
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 4:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, but i think you should study up on some war in general. Find a good war book (maybe D-Day, stephen ambrose may seem a bit boring but good info and well written). Learn how a lot of battles play out, they may be different but a lot of reocurring events will happen. This will help you in your fighting scenes.

Also just try things like this little skirmishes, try to go into a little more detail it helps develop the mood and what your characters are feeling (also good language use helps emote things as well).

But relatively good job, but study up.

DQ

_________________
Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Skuzm   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

5
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 10 Jan 2007
Posts: 10
Reviews: 5
Country: United States of America
200 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 11:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the advice.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
sabradan   View This User's Portfolio
Revolutionary
Master of the Forum

146
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 21
Joined: 08 Jun 2005
Posts: 2170
Reviews: 146
Country: Israel
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with DQ. The only other thing I have to say is that there is no corn in Viet Nam. They grow rice, not corn.

_________________
"He who takes a life...it is as if he has destroyed an entire world....but he who saves one life, it is as if he has saved the world entire" Talmud Sanhedrin 4:5

!Hasta la victoria siempre! (Always, until Victory!)
-Ernesto "Che" Guevarra
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
writergirl007   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

113
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 10 Nov 2006
Posts: 138
Reviews: 113

300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's good. Something minor, in the first or second sentence, you have "was" instead of as. Also, you use "chopper" and "said" too much. Find synonyms for them. Perhaps ordered, proclaimed, shouted, just to list a few. It's good thoug. Add more! Writergirl

_________________
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dargquon Ql'deleodna   View This User's Portfolio
lvl20 Necromancer/lvl15 Fighter
Master of the Forum

375
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Apr 2005
Posts: 1270
Reviews: 375
Country: The real world
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Better, lets see some more.

_________________
Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
gymnast_789   View This User's Portfolio
Love. Peace. Gymnastics.
Novelist

81
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 301
Reviews: 81
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2007 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Retreat! Retreat! Gun fire, that's all there was to hear was we were running for our lives.


I think that you should put the beginning of this in quotations like this: "Retreat! Retreat! Gun fire!" that's all...

I really like war stories and I really enjoyed this. There are some really good descriptions in this. Maybe try putting a line between each paragraph though it will make it easier to read.

_________________
“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ''Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.''” ~Muhammad Ali
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Pickle810   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

75
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 111
Reviews: 75
Country: U.S. where idiots have free reign
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, it kept my attention, even though I'm not overly fond of this genre!

Okay, because the quote thing is far beyond me, I'll just use copy and paste!

Daniels said, "Your late." Here, it should be "you're late"

Also, read it allowed, and you'll see that normal people in a war use contractions. Right now when I read some of the dialogue, I feel like they're somewhere else, detached, not focused, and speaking way too properly. Really, change things like "I will" to "I'll". Then it'll sound more real. Also, in the sentence "we watched as they were soon taken prisoner by the Vietcong", get rid of the soon. without it, there's more emphasis and effect. The "soon" ruins the mood.

So with those changes, or whatever you feel like doing, this'll be great! But listen to the other people too.

_________________
me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
her: and what is?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
weekend_warrior   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

13
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 25
Joined: 31 Jul 2007
Posts: 44
Reviews: 13

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have served in the US Army for almost four years now and I would like to offer some constructive criticsm that will make your story more realistic. Unfortunately, I am on my mobile phone and I will post more later. But:

- There was very little armored activity in Vietnam, but there was a lot of Air Assault (then called Airmobile or air cavalry) activity. Be careful how you use armor in a vietnam story.

-phonetic pronunciations at the time had switched from the wwII era "able, baker, dog" to the modern "alpha, bravo, delta"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on January 9, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on January 9, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, All right pie, I'm just going to do this (munch munch). And if you get eaten, it's your own fault. (munch munch, bang) Ow! Oww!! - Homer Simpson
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society