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gyrfalcon
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 Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 5:37 am Post subject: |
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Danteel watched her sleep, his eyes fixed on the golden collar encompassing her slim throat. He had forced himself to stay with her as the collar was fastened. Even though she had been unconscious during the process, as she was now, he had felt it his duty to see her through it. After all, it was his fault she was here.
For perhaps the hundredth time he went through the events on the planet in his mind. No matter how often he reviewed his actions he couldn’t find anything he would have done differently. For all that Danteel himself would rather die than live a slave, he knew that most sentients didn’t feel the same way. And the only way he could have prevented her slavery would have been to leave her there, where she would surely have died. And yet, that golden glint tortured him, made him feel as much a sheczkall as Moncreif.
His stomach grumbled at him; he hadn’t eaten since arriving back at the Avarice. Neither, he reminded himself, stubbornly refusing his body’s demand, had she. When she awoke, he would do his best to comfort her, to tell her where she was and why. Then, only when he had faced the accusation, pain, and fear that he knew he would encounter, would he ask if he could get her anything.
He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply through his nostrils. The dusky, feathery scent of her wings filled the room, reminding him vaguely of something long ago and far away, something before chains and humans and blood. But he couldn’t place it.
When he opened his eyes, she was awake, and staring at him.
“Hello,” he said, slowly and clearly, in Basic. “My name is Danteel.”
She didn’t move except for the slight rising and falling of her chest with each inhale and exhale. Her deep-set eyes were focused on him with a quietly powerful intensity. He felt something nudging at the corners of his mind, similar to what he had felt when Alita Sang at him. But this time he did not push the sensation away. He tried to remain calm, to leave his mind open to whatever it was the girl was doing.
Hello, came the barest whisper of a voice in his thoughts. I am…Lataar.
“Can you speak audibly?” he asked.
Tears glistened at the corners of her eyes and she took a deep, shuddering breath. This is hard, she said—no, thought—to him. My world is dead. My home, family, they are gone, yes?
He nodded, and his heart, such a calloused and scarred thing, still managed to break for her.
I must… she seemed to struggle with the effort of communicating mind-to-mind. Danteel tried to clear his thoughts, tried to make it easier for her without knowing what would help. In mourning, there is silence, she managed at last. For this mourning, ever silent.
“You won’t speak again?” he asked.
She shook her head and at last her self-control broke, tears streaming down her pale green cheeks, sobs coming as half-breathed, quiet gasps. Without fully knowing what he was doing or why, he put his arms around her, drawing her close, and she wept, drenching him with her silent sorrow. Her wings stirred, beat the air once before folding in tight against her back and shoulder blades. Danteel could feel her entire, frail body—hollow-boned for flight—trembling.
Then he heard the door open behind him, and Moncreif’s unmistakable step entering through it. “Do not reach out with your mind to this man,” Danteel whispered fiercely into Lataar’s ear as he held her. “He is evil.”
“How touching,” came the captain’s voice, cynical and aloof.
Gently Danteel released the girl, then turned and stood to face his master. “Her name is Lataar,” he said. “And she will not speak to you.”
“Will she not? That is no loss to me, unless she has a nice singing voice.”
“You destroyed her world,” Danteel continued, and then a thought struck him, a lie that he couldn’t help but attempt. “Humans killed her family, and thus she cannot ever speak to one of you again. She can converse with me, but only in private.”
Moncreif shrugged. “What do I care for what goes on in the heart of a slave?” he said carelessly.
“Just thought you should know,” Danteel replied, and he couldn’t keep a scowl of disgust off his face.
The captain laughed. “Danteel, you have been with me long enough to know it is not her mind, voice, or heart I have an interest in.”
The Nagai was silent, glaring. He stood deliberately between Moncreif and Lataar, and though he knew his position would do her no real good, he hoped that she realized what it meant—that he would protect her as much as it was within his power to do. I know, she thought to him.
“Now go,” said Moncreif, waving a hand dismissively. “Get yourself some food from the kitchens.”
“What about her?”
“Get her some as well, if you must.”
Danteel hesitated, and tried as hard as he could to make Lataar understand that he would stay if she wanted him to. Much as he wanted to, he could not think back to her—his thoughts remained as much in his skull as ever, but she must have heart them regardless. Go, came the silent command.
And so, still despising himself, he went. |
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Shadowsun
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good. I'm looking forward to more of it. I looked through it and could find only this one little tiny thing.
| gyrfalcon wrote: |
| Danteel hesitated, and tried as hard as he could to make Lataar understand that he would stay if she wanted him to. Much as he wanted to, he could not think back to her—his thoughts remained as much in his skull as ever, but she must have heart them regardless. Go, came the silent command. |
That should be 'heard'
Hope this helped.
~ Shadowsun |
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gyrfalcon
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Thankee, Shadowsun! *gives cookie* |
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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*munchs cookie*  |
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| Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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Ah, poor Lataar. And now what's gonna happen, I wonder?
Trying to find things to pick out...
| gyr wrote: |
| For perhaps the hundredth time he went through the events on the planet in his mind. |
Do you need a comma after hundredth time?
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| In mourning, there is silence, she managed at last. For this mourning, ever silent. |
This shouldn't be in itallics.
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| Danteel could feel her entire, frail body—hollow-boned for flight—trembling. |
These bits are superfluous. Too much. They clutter it up.
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| ... but she must have heart them regardless. |
Heart = heard.
I hope that was nitpicky enough for you?  Need I mention how much I'm enjoyying this? |
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Dream Deep
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| Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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... I'm further behind than I thought, haha. But no matter - that just means more chapters to read, which is always a treat. I think you've come quite a long way with your writing even since the first few chapters of In Thrall; you've generally been keeping up an each-chapter-tops-the-last trend. This will be a crit of the first chapter posted on page five of the thread. Hope it helps you out a bit, and thanks for waiting for me to get my easily side-tracked self over here. ^~'
... Small Nitpicks on the Narrative
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| "I would just like to ask you some questions," replied Jonahn without answering. |
The phrasing seems a bit off, most noticeably in the second line. '...replied Jonahn without answering' - it's clear what point you meant to get across, but I think the overall effect gets tangled up a bit. More specifically, a 'reply without an answer' makes perfect sense, but only when you're clear on your respective definitions:
Definitions #1
re-ply: 1. To make answer in words or writing; answer; respond: to reply to a question.
an-swer: 6. A reply to a charge or accusation
(the nearest approximation to the text)
You want to make sure that you write the sentence in such a way that the definitions are clearly separated, as the above are. While the reader can infer what you mean with the text as it is, the writing tends to give across the impression that the definitons are, in this case, synonymous - therefore the grammatical tangling.
Definitions #2
re-ply: 1. To make answer in words or writing; respond.
an-swer: 1. A spoken or written reply or response to a question, request, letter, etc.
... I hope that made some sense at least. The final point being that it might be a good idea to rewrite that line to clarify the disparity between answering and replying.
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| Jonahn's face went nova red. "And yet we rose to a position of power high enough that we can now take even Nagai for slaves." |
Hyphen, between 'nova' and 'red'. Also, his line of dialogue there might flow easier if you were to write 'And yet we rose to a position of power so high that we now take even Nagai for slaves'.
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| For the barest second he blacked out, but when he came to, he realied how fast the human could move. |
--
Overall Impressions and Thoughts
I'd like to make a point of Danteel's emotional state from paragraphs twenty-two through thirty-two. It's a bit too genuinely quicksilver to be believeable: nonchalant, irritated, nonchalant, angry, nonchalant... If his laissez-faire reaction was forced or mimed, it might make his emotional progression a bit smoother. But the body language in particular thwarts a smooth segue; his nostrils flare as he tires of Jonahn's questions, definite displeasure, while moments before and moments after, he seems perfectly bored. Though Danteel is becoming a superbly developed character, a little work here on his true emotions would go a long way in this chapter - what is Danteel really feeling throughout - not what he feigns and not what he hides, not even when he gives away. Sans pride and sans an audience, what is running through is mind? I didn't get a clear impression of it here - the back-and-forth of his emotions distracted from the truth.
On a lighter note, Jonahn waves his hand a lot. What would normally be a well-placed character trait or habit becomes a bit redundant when used more than once in so small a place. It's a bit like Shan and his fettish for smoothing his hair. ^_~
--
Overall, Gyr, I definitely enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to returning to take a look at the rest!
Dreamy. |
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aeroman
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| Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 3:02 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Gyr!
How are ya?!
I’ve only read the first section up to the part where the slave and Erabon leave the meeting, but the focus of my critique will be advice on military etiquette and how a brand new officer would act and appear.
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| Lark Erabon stumbled late into the conference room, running his fingers through his recently cropped black hair, straightening the new uniform that didn’t quite fit despite his average build. The meeting was already underway, of course, and as he took his seat the captain regarded him coolly. “So good of you to join us, Lieutenant,” he said, his voice oily. |
Lark Erabon would not stumble into the conference room. He’s a brand new officer and he would make sure he looked his best before entering, and he would never just enter. He would knock first, and then wait for the captain to allow him to come in. Then upon coming in he would salute, and wait to be addressed. He wouldn’t just speak out of turn. That's major disrespect in the military. In fact, in the army when the regular enlisted guys are exercising even out of uniform if they see an officer then they have to immediately stop, stand at attention, and salute. (it isn't that way in the Navy) I know it sounds ridiculous, but there is a ton of etiquette in the military.
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Lark swallowed. “Sorry I’m late, sir. I couldn’t find my room at first, and then there was no one there to help me with my things, so—”
After a few seconds of palpable tension, Captain Moncreif motioned smoothly and a burly, brown haired man, doubtless the first officer, stood. |
In the military you can always recognize someone’s rank. It’s never a question. That’s why the soldiers always know how to address their commanding officers and who and when to salute. It’s a simple chain of command. The problem I had with this sentence was that he said “doubtless the first officer.” He would know if it was the first officer. The way you worded it, even though you said doubtless, sounds like there could be a question in his mind. I would reword it and have him recognize some sort of insignia (stars, epaulets, etc…) that would tell him it’s the first mate. A discrepancy I found later is that first you refer to him as the ‘first officer’ then later on you refer to him as the ‘first mate.’
In the Navy (modern day), the first mate is generally referred to as the chief officer or chief mate. In olden days they were referred to as first mates. First officer is the term used in aviation for a co-pilot, generally used in commercial aviation. I know this is a bunch of military lingo that probably doesn’t interest you (it doesn’t interest me all that much haha), but it’s always best to be as accurate as possible and consistent with titles. You may want to research ranks, pay grades, insignia, etc… if you haven’t all ready.
In fact, I don’t know how high up on the military chain of command, in your world, Moncreif is but Captain is about medium in modern day society. Captains are only in charge of their one ship. If you’re going to give him higher political or military standing, you may want to make him an admiral. Like if he commands a whole fleet, or is some sort of political advisor. Again, I’m only a couple paragraphs in so I don’t know yet.
He would never address him as mister. He would address him as Lieutenant (if you’re going by modern day rank). A lieutenant is the lowest grade officer in the navy and is what every officer starts out as – pilots, lawyers, doctors, navy seals, all of them start as 2nd lieutenants. So since Erabon is new he would be a lieutenant.
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| Silently, the slave began to walk out of the room. Moncreif inclined his head to indicate that Lark should follow. Scrambling out of his chair, Lark followed. |
He would not scramble out of his chair if he was a good officer. He would stand up straight, salute and be dismissed
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Now, if I didn’t know stuff about military etiquette then I wouldn’t have even noticed this stuff. If I wasn’t critiquing your work, I wouldn’t have noticed. So it’s up to you whether you take some, none or all of the advice. I didn’t tell you all this stuff to make sure you did it all. I think some of the stuff if you changed may ruin the opening. Maybe the military in your world is completely different too and so none of this applies.
I like how he bumbles in and looks like a nervous idiot. That may be how his character is. Maybe he’s so nervous that he’s making all these mistakes, which could then make it so the crew doesn’t respect him. Anyways, do with it what you will. The only things I would recommend, I bolded. The rest of it is optional in my mind based on how you want Lark Erabon to appear as a brand new naval officer. I think it’s a catchy story so far though. You have a magnificent flow to how you write, Gyr. I wish my writing would have that haha.
Hopefully this all made sense. It has been a while since I've critiqued and I kind of rambled. If you need me to clarify anything let me know. |
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gyrfalcon
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| Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:50 am Post subject: |
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I really appreciated all this, aero, you're invaluable!!! Mostly, I've just been sloppy with my military accuracy--I know most of the stuff you told me, I just didn't take the time or effort to apply what I knew. *head/desk* Part of my desire, though, is to have Lark apear as hopelessly un-military as he can without being a total idiot--obviously I passed the line into idiot somewhere and shall have to reel him back a bit.
Also, your observations about Moncrief are totally correct--he is just captain of the one ship, and while it's an important ship, there are lots and lots of them. I wanted his...I guess you could say his arrogance to stand out, so I'm glad it worked! *hug* |
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aeroman
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| Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 10:29 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Gyr!
Something I noticed from the first section I read. The ship is called the 'avarice.' Interesting choice of name because avarice means greed. Maybe that is foreshadowing something, maybe just a coincidence? I guess I'll find out!
I'm glad you find me invaluable  . This critique is continuing from after Lark Erabon left the meeting, being led by the Nagai slave of Captain Moncreif...
| Quote: |
He cleared his throat. “Ahem. So, what’s your name?”
The Nagai didn’t answer. Perhaps he didn’t speak Basic. That would be in keeping with his luck.
Lark placed a hand on his chest and said, very slowly, “My-name-is-Lark.”
No answer.
“Lark Air-ah-bon,” he said, annunciating carefully. |
Lol, typical human response. Speaking slowly and 'enunciating.'
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| Lark sighed. “You don’t understand a word I’m saying, do you? Well, I’m sorry that I don’t speak your language but between Moncreif wanting to fry me and your staring at me like death itself and the whole big, blasted ship having so many blasted corridors that a man can’t get his blasted luggage—” |
This dialogue works fine and definitely carries across the message, but he is in the Navy, and sailors can be known to have dirty mouths. Maybe exchange blasted with damn, whichever you prefer.
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"You knew Basic the whole time?”
“I’ve known it longer than you have.”
Lark peered at him. There were no wrinkles in the sharp face, but of course one needed spare skin to have wrinkles. There were sidelocks of silver in the black hair, but beyond that hardly any signs of age. “Why didn’t you talk to me?” |
I like how he begins to look for signs of age. Lark seems to be a perceptive person.
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| “When...the Captain sends me out alone with one of his men,” said the Nagai slowly, “it is one of those rare occasions where I have free choice. If I choose to kill him, I am not punished. And if we fight and he wins, the incident is carefully forgotten.” |
I would get rid of the ... after when. It's not needed.
It's interesting that the captain gets a newly commissioned doctor and is going to have his slave kill him. I don't see why. Because he walks in clumsily? There doesn't seem proper motive, and I hope Moncreif isn't such a shallow character that he gets pleasure out of having new officers killed.
Again I'm not sure how the military functions in your world, but in our world that is considered murder lol and if anybody knew about it then they would be obligated to tell someone above Moncreif or they would be charged with obstructing justice. Moncreif would be decommissioned and put to death in our world. Especially if he's had this Nagai murder his officers multiple times. Anyways just some things to think about.
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Lark stared. “Why?”
The Nagai shrugged. “Isn’t that the way of your kind? A member is inconvenient, now he his dead, problem solved.” |
I don't think there has been proper evidence that supports the implication that Lark Erabon is inconvenient. Otherwise Moncreif just seems like an idiot.
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| Lark started to protest, to defend the several decent humans he knew, but stopped. He swallowed. “Why didn’t you kill me? I’m sure you could have.” |
From this, I take it that humans are not seen as 'decent' or few of them are.
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| The Nagai’s eyes narrowed. “Because I am not human.” He turned and continued to walk towards the shuttle bays. |
Does that imply that the Nagai believes himself to be decent, unlike humans?
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“Then why—“
Danteel whirled on him. “You are not my master,” he hissed. “It is not for you to question what I do and why I do it.” |
This is the second time Erabon asked 'why' after Danteel already gave him an answer. It seems redundant. Also why would Danteel say 'you are not my master, it is not for you to question what i do and why i do it' the second time and clearly answer the first time? It doesn't add up.
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| As it turned out, the Nagai was much stronger than he looked, hefting Lark’s two biggest suitcases without trouble. Lark himself took the rest, and they both deposited their loads in the new doctor’s spartan quarters. |
I'm not sure what you mean by 'Spartan Quarters.' Does that mean that his quarters are similar to those of the ancient city-state, Sparta?
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Before Danteel could leave, Lark said, “Why did you spare my life?”
Danteel regarded him. “You are a doctor, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Someday, I’m going to need your abilities. Me, personally, not Moncreif. I’m going to need you to treat someone I care about. I needed you to owe me one.”
“I do owe you, but--.”
“Good.” With that he turned and left Lark alone in his room. |
This is the third time Erabon asks why. Except this time Danteel doesn't blow him off like the second time. There needs to be some sort of catalyst that changes his mind to answer him instead of blowing him off otherwise it is just redundant and doesn't make sense.
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The main issues I had with this section was the redundancy of asking 'why' 3 times and the inconsistencies of how Danteel answered. Also, Moncreif's reasoning for killing officers and why he doesn't have to answer for his actions. Are there not any consequences? Does a captain in this world of yours really have that much influence?
Otherwise, well done. I look forward to reading the next section! Amazing job, Gyr! Hopefully I've helped.
-aero |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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| If you're going by modern day military standards, then, yes, as aero said, change the Mr. But if you're going for the "officer and gentleman" type soldier, then you can keep the Mr. |
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aeroman
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 6:06 pm Post subject: |
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All right, I'm starting from where I left off. Right after Danteel revealed to Lark Erabon that he needed him to 'owe him'
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| The light was better here, but just barely. But what Lark saw in the dim light almost made him throw up. |
Get rid of one of the buts.
| Quote: |
| wondered how he could have red blood and white skin. |
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe skin color is determined by the amount of certain pigments in the skin and not by the color of blood. And blood is generally red when oxygenated because of the high iron base of our, mammals, blood. It's usually just a darker shade of red when not oxygenated. So I'm not sure what you're inferring with this statement.
Unless things work differently in your world.
The only other known colors of blood are blue and green but they don't appear in mammals, only in arthopods and other stuff because they have a different base for their hemoglobin.
| Quote: |
“Why all this…for me?”
Lark didn’t answer for a long time. “I’m a doctor,” he could have said, “I don’t need an excuse to help people.” What came out was, “I owed you.”
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I'm sure him 'owing him' was part of it, but the captain did order him to do it. I mean besides taking Danteel back to his room which I doubt was necessary, all he did was what the captain told him. It was his job. So I kind of have a problem with his response to Danteel.
You could possibly change the situation so that Moncreif doesn't call him in to do it and have him just find Danteel somewhere on accident and help him which could set up nicely for a confrontation between Lark and Moncreif. It seems like some of the answers in the dialogue in this story don't have proper reasoning behind them.
The other thing is that Danteel says he has survived worse. So why does Moncreif call Erabon in on something that isn't as bad as those?
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I have really enjoyed this story, Gyr. Your prose is fantastic and reading your work feels effortless. I do have some problems with some of the logic and reasoning in the story which I've mentioned through my critique, but in all seriousness your craft is top notch. Keep up the amazing work!
-aero |
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gyrfalcon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:37 am Post subject: |
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| You're such a sweetheart!!! *hugs* And, quite frankly, you're generally right about the logic, and I shall fix such things as I can, but one thing you need to remember, aero, the one really big thing is: MONCRIEF IS CRAZY. Like, psychopath nuts. His logic is...Moncrief's logic. I shall do what I can, but in the end *shrug* he's just a nutter. Thanks so much for all your help!!!!!! *gives cookies!* |
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 12:58 am Post subject: |
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This critique is for - The Beginning
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| Danteel fed the white rat a few crumbs from the remnants of his very bad dinner. The creature’s pink eyes seemed to glow in the darkness, and its wicked little yellow teeth just missed the Nagai’s thin white fingers. It took an especially large crumb in its two front paws and nibbled at it, allowing Danteel to stroke it lightly as it did. The animal was perched on his knee, and he could feel the little claws scratching at him through the cloth of his pants. |
I like this opening passage because it shows that Danteel was not always a killer and can be gentle and kind to other creatures.
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| A door opened at the far end of the room, spilling light into Danteel’s cell and scaring the rat away. Two silhouettes came out of the light and strode towards the barred door that supposedly kept the rest of the galaxy safe from him. |
That's quite the statement. He must be dangerous. Again a nice contrast with being kind to a rat. The only thing I don't like about this is that you use the word 'supposedly.' It's almost as if your mocking what the door is supposed to do and inferring that Danteel could easily get past it if he wanted to. If this is the case then that's fine, but if it's not - I would get rid of 'supposedly'
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| A door opened at the far end of the room, spilling light into Danteel’s cell and scaring the rat away. Two silhouettes came out of the light and strode towards the barred door that supposedly kept the rest of the galaxy safe from him. One of them was the squat figure of the jailer, carrying his stun rod. The other was tall, very tall, and walked as if his height set him apart from the filthy, reeking mess of the dungeon around him. They stopped in front of his door and the jailer unlocked it, but only the tall figure came in. As he stepped into the wan light from the single glow-lantern, Danteel felt an uncharacteristic shiver crawl across his flesh. |
In this paragraph you have the jailer and the other character, whoever he may be, open two doors. But when they open the first door it appears that they are all ready in Danteel's cell based on your description. When I find out that they open a second door to enter his cell, it is confusing and I have to rethink the picture in my head because you didn't describe the setting well enough to begin with. Fix this.
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| The man wore the uniform of an Imperial Naval Captain, and there was a sheathed saber at his side. His face was hard and seemed to be cut of steel. His body was lean and long-limbed, his spotless uniform carrying the rank cylinders of a Naval Captain. |
In this paragraph you mention Captain Moncreif being a 'naval captain' twice through two ways of exposition. First the uniform and then the ranky cylinders. I don't need to be told the same thing twice in two different ways. I can catch on the first time. If you want to mention the rank cylinders, mention it at the beginning of the paragraph when you mention the uniform.
I like your descriptions about how he carries himself and his eyes. Very well done.
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Overall very well done.
But I am slightly confused about one part. Danteel states that because he does not want to be saved, he owes Moncreif nothing, but for some reason this oath changes all that? I guess I don't see a connection here. Why does Moncreif suddenly saying the oath make Danteel have to serve him when the reason he gave him previously for not serving him seems a very logical counter for the whole servitude thing. It doesn't seem to add up and leaves me confused.
I mean just cause he knows the oath and says it, suddenly the reasoning for not serving him goes away? That hardly seems to make sense. It sounds like the oath is just a ritual type thing at first, but the way you use it it's almost as if by Moncreif saying it, he takes over Danteel and it forces Danteel to serve him. Which is completely wacked out. Maybe you can explain it to me.
-aero |
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aeroman
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| Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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I'm critting the part after The Beginning
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| They walked between the ranks of gleaming armor. |
I find it interesting that the soldiers are wearing 'metal' armor. I say metal because you describe the armor as gleaming. I don't think these navy (space) guys would wear metal armor. It seems feudal for their advanced age of technology, which I also believe about Moncreif's sabre. It seems primitive compared to the technology they're using in space.
Another thing is you refer to the Navy as soldiers, but they're commonly referred to as sailors, but since they're in space that might seem kind of weird. GI's are referred to as soldiers.
Another thing is that I think them being the Navy in space may be kind of disorienting depending on who you are (it isn't for me, but I'm talking 'in general'). If anything the Air Force would be the primary military arm that would be in space since their focus is aerospace. Aviation is not the full concentration of the Navy (even though I believe Naval Aviators are better than Air Force pilots lol ). Aviation is support in the Navy, water vessels are the primary concentration.
I think a lot of these military problems I see would be solved if you completely layout how this whole space arm of the military works. Because I'm just not comprehending it at the moment - you're interchanging stuff between different branches of the armed forces into this 'Imperial Navy' and it's confusing.
In fact, the only time I've ever seen 'the navy' used as a space force in literature or film is in the animated film, 'Treasure Planet.' Which is a play off of 'Treasure Island' in space. They fly ships in space.
Anyways, sorry to keep critting on the military stuff. It's hardly noticeable. I don't know why I keep bringing stuff up like this lol; it's really not that big of a deal. I can understand if you forget most of it.
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| These were not soldiers. They were slaves as much as he was |
I like that statement because that's how the military is. The enlisted do exactly what they're told like slaves.
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| He struggled instinctively, but they were clearly stronger than he was. Speaking in Nagian, Danteel demanded |
The way you've described Danteel previously is that he's very dangerous, very strong, agile. I mean if he ends up murdering people for Moncreif easily, especially officers, I don't see how two enlisted guys can hold this sucker. It seems contradictory.
If he didn't struggle and was sitting their thinking, Moncreif is an idiot - he really thinks these two enlisted can hold me? Fool. - and then escaped their grasp and the rest of the soldiers had to hold him down or something, that would seem more like the Danteel I've been reading about so far.
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| And then he released him and Danteel fell, landing hard on his knees. His hand began to move once more towards the collar but one of the soldiers raised his rifle and Danteel’s hand stopped mid-motion. “You’ll get used to it,” said Moncreif, wiping his hands on his trousers as if he had touched something vile. “At least, you’d better.” |
Danteel repeatedly states he would rather die than be a slave. Yet, when the soldier points his rifle at him he stops moving towards the collar. You think that would embolden him to continue moving his hands toward the collar. You would think that Moncreif would repeatedly have to stop Danteel from attempting suicide.
I actually wonder why he hasn't killed himself by the time Erabon meets him, it seems ridiculous that someone who wants to die so bad would still be alive unless Moncreif has some sort of restraining type thing that keeps Danteel from doing harmful things to himself.
The only thing reason I can see that would change his mind would be vengeance, but since he has to serve Moncreif so as not to dishonor himself then technically he could never take revenge because he's forced into life-long servitude unless Moncreif is dead.
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Again, Gyr, your prose and description is just amazing. But I find the logical reasoning of your story lacking at times. Hopefully this crit has helped, do with it what you will. I still think it's a great story
-aero |
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aeroman
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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I'm critting the section after the collar was put on Danteel.
I love how they're gambling on the torture.
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| “May the subject of the wager place a bet?” |
Another interesting twist on the torture. You're making what at first appears to be generic into something very original.
I like how you've brought about your exposition through the torture.
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| Again and again and again the whip came down, and somehow Danteel did not cry out. With every lash he felt the freezing hate inside him grow, not the fire-red rage towards Moncreif, but a far harder, far more enduring vendetta. Vengeance. |
So we discover Danteel's true motivation for living.
I like how Moncreif refers to Danteel as 'it.' It's a good, common characterization for a slaver.
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Another great installment of 'In Thrall.' Bravo. Hopefully my writing will be up to par with this eventually lol.
-aero |
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