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Fight the Night
Fight the Night

by The Henry in Dramatic Poetry
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This thread was created on January 5, 2007
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Pandora's Tears - Chapter One - Demons

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 8:29 pm    Post subject: Pandora's Tears Reply with quote

Pandora’s Tears

Chapter One

-- Demons

Date: 13th August, 2011

‘Lieutenant, behind you!’

Assault rifle raised, Drace spun to face the charging demon. With a twisted roar that was almost human, the creature smashed into him and together they slipped in the mud, crashing to the ground. Everything dissolved into madness. A flash of pale flesh; a clawed hand raised to strike; dark eyes full of… of what? Sadness?

A gunshot exploded through the air. The demon shuddered and stopped its thrashing. Pinned under the dead weight of the corpse, Drace struggled to free himself. His trapped arms jerked uselessly.

Breathing was hard. Either way he turned his head he was greeted by only more mud. All he could smell was the damp earth.

The monster was dragged off him by an unseen helper. Breath hoarse and head thumping, Drace remained sprawled in the mud for a few moments. The cold slime plastered across his skin made him shiver despite the warmth of the newly risen sun.

‘Lieutenant, you okay?’ someone asked.

Drace raised his head against its wishes. ‘Yes Private,’ he coughed, ‘I’m fine.’

The Private offered his gloved hand. Unsteady, Drace gripped it and climbed to his feet, careful not to slip. He retrieved his gun from the dark sludge.

He turned to the demon’s body, its pallid skin dirtied by blood and dirt. It had once been human - a young girl, probably no more then fifteen years old. But the thing sprawled on the ground before him was no longer human. He rolled her over with his foot, so that she lay on her back, her pale eyes gazing upwards. Corruption had overtaken her: each of her limbs were longer than a human’s and her hands had become distinct claws. Her flesh had turned pale and scabbed, her hair black, her teeth needle sharp. But most of all, she had lost her sanity.

But hadn’t Drace seen a spark of humanity in her eyes before she was killed?

‘Sir, all hostiles have been neutralised,’ Sergeant Janus said. ‘We sustained no casualties.’

‘How many attackers were there?’

‘Six in total, sir. That bitch was the last one.’

Drace grunted. ‘Who shot her?’

‘Private Barvd, sir.’

He would have to make sure he put Barvd forward for promotion - repeatedly he proved himself to be a resourceful and skilled solider. It was not at all surprising it had been Barvd that reacted fast enough to help him.

‘Sir,’ Janus said, ‘do you think those were the ones? Do you think we’re done here?’

‘I’m afraid not. The report said there were at least two dozen demons, but there are only six corpses here.’

A nearby town, Great Wyncote, had reported numerous attacks from the demons. As a response, the British Army dispatched Drace’s small platoon to deal with the problem.

They spent their days in the countryside, wandering up and down steep hills and marching through woodland. Dark bushes and trees constantly surrounded them, with only the occasional barb-wired fence, wooden signpost or crudely made stair-set to hint at a human presence.

Although it was summer-time the recent heavy rain had turned much of the ground into thick mud, and so the going was slow.

Drace sighed. It was tedious work.

‘Alright,’ he shouted reluctantly, ‘let’s get moving - we still have a lot of ground to cover!’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~-|-~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sergeant Janus sat alone in the dark corner, watching the other soldiers devour their meals. The village hall was filled with the echo of their voices as they chatted and joked together.

After their first encounter no more demons had been found. Still, Janus was sure they’d find the monsters’ hiding place sooner or later - there was only so much countryside for the beasts to hide in.

At first, Janus had been confident the assignment would not pose much of a problem. As strong and fast as the demons were, they did not have guns. But he hadn’t imagined they could be so elusive - the platoon had been searching the countryside fruitlessly for almost three weeks, and only that day had their first encounter.

The endless searching was incredibly boring.

He took a swig of his canteen. The whisky tasted almost sweet after the hard day’s work, marching back and forth in the poor conditions outside. And although - technically - he wasn’t meant to be drinking, there really was nothing to stop him. As long as the Lieutenant didn’t find out, he’d be fine.

The village hall had been lent to them by the local council, and within it they set up tables and bunk beds and all the equipment they’d need whilst on the assignment. The hall wasn’t particularly large, and it was a tight fit to get everything in. The poor lighting meant it was perpetually dim, and it smelt like wet soil, but it had been home for the past three weeks, and was certainly better than some of the shit-holes they’d put up with in the past. It was growing on him.

The little red light on the radio-set he had sat down on the bench beside him lit up, and the set cackled into life. ‘Sergeant Janus? This is Lieutenant Drace. Pick up.’

Janus sighed, lowered the brown flask that hovered inches from his lips, and picked up the radio. ‘This is Janus. What is it Lieutenant?’

‘I’d like you to come up to the Governor’s building,’ Drace said. The annoyance that tinged his voice gave Janus a bad feeling. ‘The Governor has set a little task aside for you…’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~-|-~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Drace was not impressed with the Governor of Great Wyncote: he was a pompous little bastard. No matter how Drace articulated his argument, the Governor refused to be swayed, and instead repeatedly insisted he was doing the right, moral thing. Eventually, Drace caved in, and conceded to his plan.

There was a polite knock at the door, and in stepped Janus.

The Governor leaned forward from behind his oversized desk. ‘Ah, hello. Welcome Sergeant. Do sit down.’ Drace noted his voice was devoid of its earlier hostility.

‘Thank you, sir.’ Janus dropped himself into the nearest leather-coated chair, so that only Drace was left standing.

‘Your Lieutenant and I have just been having a discussion, and we’ve come to the conclusion that a small selection of your platoon should patrol Great Wyncote. The number of demon attacks isn’t giving out I’m afraid - we have had an attack almost every week for the past two months - and a small presence of soldiers would really help to keep our town safe.’

‘And I’m afraid, Janus,’ Drace said, ‘that you’ve been elected to lead these patrols. You have your pick of two Privates to take with you.’ He didn’t want to lose three of his men - especially not his Sergeant, his second in command - to the patrol, but he didn’t have a choice. The Governor had pulled rank on him.

‘But-’ Janus began.

‘You have your choice of two Privates to take with you,’ Drace repeated.

‘Yes sir. I believe Petterson from Charlie One, and Barvd from Charlie Two, will both prove helpful on this assignment, sir.’

‘Very well.’ Drace turned to the Governor. ‘I assume we are done here?’

‘Yes yes, this is most satisfactory. Thank you for your help, Lieutenant.’

Drace nodded to the Governor, turned on the spot, and marched to the door. As he went, he heard Janus clamber from his chair to follow.

Outside, in the cool night’s breeze, Janus said, ‘Sir, why do we have to have a patrol? Are the town guard not doing their job properly?’

‘They aren’t getting the chance,’ Drace sighed. ‘The Governor has the majority of them posted in his private residence as personal guards, so there aren’t enough left to protect the public.’

‘Is that legal?’

‘Technically, no. But there’s nothing that we can do about it. I’m afraid we have no choice but to agree to his demands.’ He paused, and sniffed the air. ‘Janus… what’s that I can smell on your breath?’

Janus grinned at his Lieutenant. ‘Spearmint chewing gum, sir. You want one?’


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Last edited by Sureal on Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:28 pm; edited 7 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'Lo Sureal.

Simply, sentence structurally and line by line, first.

Not everything you've written sticks so firmly to structure similarity/repetition - though you have a great aptitude for putting things neatly (sometimes plainly). This however, has a creeping tendency to repeat itself.

Quote:

Drace spun, assault rifle raised, to face the charging demon. The creature smashed ungainly into him and together they slipped in the mud, crashing to the ground. Madness! Struggling! A flash of pale flesh; a clawed hand raised to strike; dark eyes full of… of what? Sadness?


Ungainly is an adjective, not an adverb - as such, sticks out rather in the sentence. Ungainily could modify the verb; but it does sound awkward, ungainly. ^_~ Perhaps 'smashed awkwardly' or 'unsteadily'? Not the same connotation, I know.

I'd take it out entirely as an adverb and slip it in before 'creature'. You've then got a description of the thing being ungainly, and it ought to carry over to the act of smashing into Drace.

Then you have Madness! etc. It struck me as amusing for the novelty of it. In the light of a 'mini-series' it fit - reminded me of directions in a screen-play.

But it also tends to take away focus from the next sentence, which is rather a pity. The semi-colons, disjointed - the impression was vivid, and eerie; its end trailing set a confused poignancy. Again though - stuck behind the exclamations, it feels reduced.

Quote:
A gunshot exploded through the air. The demon shuddered, and stopped struggling. The corpse’s dead weight pinned Drace underneath it. He tried to shift it but his arms were trapped.


Structure repetition. Action can be brought along by simple or short sentences. Or, it can get caught up in the lethargy of a dead rhythm. Perhaps just slightly changed up? As an example (my addition, italics)--
Quote:
A gunshot exploded through the air. The demon shuddered, and stopped struggling. Pinned beneath the corpse's dead weight, Drace tried to shift - but his arms were trapped.


There, it changes up the flow and gives the reader - and the action - some breathing space.

(A demon with 'flesh' then? It struck me as a curiosity - possessed or truly, demonic in the flesh?)

Quote:
Drace struggled to breathe. Either way he turned his head he was greeted by only more mud. All he could smell was the damp earth.


Oy, the above you switch-up nicely. I can feel and see the scene, as Drace - it puts neatly, briefly, without the repetition. ^_^

Quote:
The monster was dragged off him by an unseen helper. He remained sprawled in the mud for a moment, his breathing hoarse, the cold slime plastered across his skin. His head thumped angrily, punishment for getting caught off guard.


Structure and sentence length are still (again) grating. The monster...He did...He did again... The description itself works naturally - you've shown the mud, Drace's reaction, breathing, the feeling of the cold - but the framing of it keeps at a rather dull level. It oughtn't be. ^_^

Quote:

Drace raised his head against its wishes. ‘Yes Private,’ he coughed, ‘I’m fine.’


That's a welcome bit of humour - fits well. ^_^ Ha - against its wishes.

Quote:
The Private offered his gloved hand. Drace gripped it and climbed unsteadily to his feet, careful not to slip[. ]He retriev ed -ing his gun from the dark sludge.


Some of your sentences may have some good done them by being linked. Perhaps as I've inserted in the quote?

Quote:
He turned to the demon’s body, its pallid skin dirtied by blood and dirt. It had once been human - a young girl, probably no more then fifteen years old. But the thing sprawled on the ground before him was no longer a teenage girl; she had been corrupted.


With your knack for the brief - and usually well-picked detail - you're telling in the above. I don't like to be dogmatic in that respect: telling has its place. But rather than 'she had been corrupted' a description could do as well?

As you go on to do, describing. But the transition there is harsh -

Quote:
He turned to the demon’s body, its pallid skin dirtied by blood and dirt. It had once been human - a young girl, probably no more then fifteen years old. But the thing sprawled on the ground before him was no longer a teenage girl; she had been corrupted Corrupted, twisted, each of her limbs was slightly longer than a human’s, and her hands had become distinct claws. Her flesh had turned pale and scabbed, her hair black, her teeth needle sharp. But most [or 'worst' of all? just a thought ] of all, she had lost her sanity.


That, as far as structure. ^_^ I think tying it together will connect things, so to speak, for the reader more smoothly.

I rather wondered about the 'sanity' as well. Is sanity the highest thing to lose? Couldn't any mad-hatter off the street lose that without being demonically possessed? 'Soul' or 'life' seems higher.

But I don't know - what [i]is
a demon in this world? A question, doubtless, that gets answered in the story...?

The dialogue is clear, feels natural, sounds like it and isn't tangled up in unnecassary description. ^_^

Quote:
They spent their days in the countryside, wandering up and down steep hills and marching through woodland. They were completely surrounded by dark bushes and trees, with only the occasional barb-wired fence, wooden signpost or crudely made stair-set to indicate a human presence.


A sudden departure from the action - not a bad lull, though, all in all. It's the structure that keeps hitting me. 'They' twice in a row when there are so many ways to begin a sentence; and you have a more complex amount of description in the second, which gives innumerable ways of starting.


...And that's for the first part. Do me the favour of reminding me to finish this if I don't get to it promptly. I've run out of time now. !_!''


IMP

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Last edited by Poor Imp on Thu Jan 11, 2007 12:38 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you so much for the crit Smile. The whole sentance structure thing had been really bugging me, but I hadn't been able to work out what the problem was - all I knew was that something was wrong.

I'll give this a big edit tomorrow ^_^.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all I notice the date - interesting, its not often we get fantasys in the future.


Quote:

Drace spun, assault rifle raised, to face the charging demon.


I think this could be better - "Assault rifle raised, Drace spun and faced the charging demon."

OR

"Drace spun and faced the charging Demon, assault rifle raised."

the way you have it now seems a bit award as you broke up the sentence strangly.

Quote:
The creature smashed ungainly into him and together they slipped in the mud, crashing to the ground. Madness! Struggling! A flash of pale flesh; a clawed hand raised to strike; dark eyes full of… of what? Sadness?


Ungainly? - Is there need for a word there at all. "The creature smashed into him" would do.

Quote:

His head thumped angrily, a punishment for getting caught off guard.



Again use of an adverb, can a head be angry? Consider rephrasing.

Quote:



Each of her limbs was slightly longer than a human’s, and her hands had become distinct claws. Her flesh had turned pale and scabbed, her hair black, her teeth needle sharp. But most of all, she had lost her sanity.


A little bit of a listy description here. I would describe her through the lieutenant, maybe he could trace his gloved hand overher body and you could encorperate the description in somehow? Its an idea amongst many alternatives than the list.

Quote:

But hadn’t Drace seen a spark of humanity in her eyes before she was killed?


I dont know, had he? *Checks the start of the piece* - Ah yes, when you say about "Saddness?" I think that bit should be made more obvious because at the moment the reader doesnt understand that Demons may not have emotion etc...



Quote:
He would have to make sure he put Barvd forward for promotion - he had proved himself to be a resourceful and skilled solider. He wasn’t at all surprised that it had been Barvd that had reacted fast enough to help him.

‘Sir,’ Janus said, ‘do you think those were the ones? Do you think we’re done here?’

‘I’m afraid not; the report said there were at least two dozen demons, but there are only six corpses here.’


This is for my own homework - why do you only use single speech marks? Ive always used two. Is it prefered that one is used?

Quote:

They spent their days in the countryside, wandering up and down steep hills and marching through woodland. They were completely surrounded by dark bushes and trees, with only the occasional barb-wired fence, wooden signpost or crudely made stair-set to indicate a human presence.


This is a little bit fast to skip through. Maybe have a call on the intercom and then start a new scene.

____

Scene 2


Quote:


Janus had - at first - been confident that the assignment would not pose too much of a problem: as strong and fast as the demons were, they did not have guns.


The colon here doesnt seem right. maybe a semi-colon?
Quote:

But he hadn’t imagined that the damned creatures would be so elusive - the platoon had been searching the countryside fruitlessly for almost three weeks, and had only that day had their first encounter.


Too many hads on the last clause, it seems to clutter everything up.

Quote:

He took a swig of his canteen. The whisky tasted almost sweet after the hard day’s work, marching back and forth in the poor conditions outside. And although - technically - he wasn’t meant to be drinking, there really was nothing to stop him. As long as the Lieutenant didn’t find out, he’d be fine.


Spell Check: Whiskey not Whisky
Quote:

The village hall had been lent to them by the local council,


given instead of lent would sound better.



-----

Scene 3

Quote:
Drace was not impressed with the Governor of Great Wyncote: he was a pompous little bastard. He had staunchly refused to listen to what Drace had had to say, and had instead repeatedly insisted that he was doing the right, moral thing. Eventually, Drace had caved in, and grudgingly agreed to his plan.


TOo many hads - "Drace had GOT to say" - may lose the cluttering of the sentence.
Quote:

The office was a pleasant enough room. Brown, wooden casings ran along the bottom half of all the walls, and the predominantly ornate furniture gave the office a homely yet formal aura. Drace suspected that the Governor had spent more than his budgetary allowance on the room.


Is this necessary?

--

Ok - I have to say I enjoyed this, it was refreshingly different, modern and the characters got me hooked. I am interested to see what happens on the Wyncote patrol, Im also interested in seeing what becomes of the governer ( i think a demon should attack him lol).

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 1:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the crit Smile. I'll be editting this today.


Two things:

Quote:
This is for my own homework - why do you only use single speech marks? Ive always used two. Is it prefered that one is used?


As you're English you can use either single or double speech marks. Check the books you own - there should be a mix. I know the books I have are split roughly 50/50 on this; books such as Harry Potter, the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Discworld all use single quotes, whereas others use double. It's really a matter of personal preference.

Although, in America, they only use double speech marks.


Quote:
Spell Check: Whiskey not Whisky


Whisky can be spelt either way (usually depending on where it's made) Smile. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whisky

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, you learn something new every day.

I didnt know the dual spelling of whiskey/whisky or about the speech marks.

Ive just checked through books and you are right - American authors use double but english authors use both.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Edited Chapter One Smile. I'll continue to update and improve it, so all future crits of it are very much welcomed. I'm also gonna start work on Chapter Two.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Was a very nice piece of work congratulations i am much looking forward too any other of your stories Very Happy A*
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 1:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sharpe wrote:
Was a very nice piece of work congratulations i am much looking forward too any other of your stories Very Happy A*


Your post was encouraging but consider actually telling us WHY you liked the work and more importantly, what you didnt like and WHY.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have quoted Sureals story twice. When I get my mod powers I shall delete your posts.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2007 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He didn't just quote it - for some strange reason, he decided to delete my words and add in his own - such as replacing 'Lieutenant' with 'Gayboy'. The complete lack of wit almost hurts.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To continue what I began... ^_^


Quote:

Sergeant Janus sat alone in the dark corner, mindlessly watching the other soldiers devour their meals. The village hall was filled with the echo of their voices as they chatted and joked together.


Though I like the description, like Janus' thoughts and the atmosphere of the soliders' mess - there seems no more use to this passage. It's a nice slower interlude.

But it reiterates what's been implied or said already; or notes information, telling it, that could be filtered through in the following and third piece of this.


Quote:
Janus had at first been confident that the assignment would not pose much of a problem; as strong and fast as the demons were, they did not have guns. But he hadn’t imagined that they could be so elusive - the platoon had been searching the countryside fruitlessly for almost three weeks, and had only that day had their first encounter.

The endless searching was incredibly boring.


As in the above, the italicised noted, you're putting things in a contemplative past.

If all that involves Janus and his thoughts is set-up, it does that. But it's dropped in between, a few parapgraphs that are somewhat impertinent for breaking the narrative action.

That's my rational and technically inclined impression of it. The flip-side is that it does introduce the reader to Janus, who would be a faceless, vague name in the final action without some characterisation.

Is this the best way to do it then? You've got an action story here. Perhaps if you switched-up the order of Janus' thoughts and such.

What if it began with Drace's call and Janus' resignation/irriation - and then skipped back to put in context the break in his leave?

Like so...?

Quote:
The little red light on the radio-set he had sat down on the bench beside him lit up, and the set cackled into life. ‘Sergeant Janus? This is Lieutenant Drace; pick up.’

Janus sighed, lowered the brown flask that hovered inches from his lips, and picked up the radio. [ the previous is redundant - his speaking is enough ] ‘This is Janus, what is it Lieutenant?’

Alone in the dark corner, he watched mindlessly the other soldiers devour their meals. The village hall was filled with the echo of their voices as they chatted and joked together.


Naturally, the way you go about weaving it together, in the end, will have to be your way. But I think pacing Janus' interlude a bit more quickly - both in verb tenses (your tendency is to fall back on past, was and had where the present progressive or a comma even might keep things moving) will set it less apart. At the moment, it seems heavy in comparison to its two bookend scenes, start and finish.

--


And that, I hope, Sureal, is comprehensible at the moment. I'm critiquing without much sleep and it may not help. ^_^ I'll be on to the next and end scene soon. Hopefully.

For the most part, you've a deft sense of pacing - and that makes a good read regardless. ^_^


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i really think this is good. you must have put a lot of work into it and it just pulls the reader in and you can actually feel the atmosphere of the story, see what is going on. i love the details!! keep it up it makes it better!! ur a great writer!!
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Imp: I tried jigging that section around in all the different ways I could think (including the way you suggested), but none of them really 'worked'. At the moment, I think it does what I wanted too, so I'll leave it for now (although I'll probably come back to it at a later date.

I've made some small alterations to chapter one (mostly cutting out useless 'had's), and have written chapter two ^_^.

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The Broken.

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pandora’s Tears

Chapter Two

-- Great Wyncote

Date: 14th August, 2011



‘Not a bad job, this,’ said Petterson, his gun slung over his lean shoulders. ‘I was getting sick of spending all day every day searching those damn woods. Nice to be able spend my time in civ’lisation.’

‘It’s boring,’ yawned Janus. ‘At least out there with the Lieutenant we’d have a chance for a bit of action.’

‘Sergeant, hope you don’t mind me saying, but you’re insane.’

Janus look at the Private, then nodded. ‘Probably.’

When they had first set out, Janus made it clear to Petterson and Barvd that he wanted a casual and friendly atmosphere whilst they patrolled. The prospect of conforming to military discipline in what was already destined to be a painfully boring routine did not appeal to him.

‘What about you, Barvd?’ Janus said. ‘Would you rather be with the Lieutenant, or trudging along aimlessly here?’

‘I’m happy here,’ Barvd said in a small voice.

The three of them strolled through the streets of Great Wyncote. Within the suburbs, they passed children playing and adults going about their day-to-day lives. The warm sun cast a pleasant light on the scene and the tedious chores of washing the car, fetching the shopping and mowing the lawn took on a sparkle of life. And despite the sheer ordinariness of it, Janus still had to admit to himself it was an agreeable sight.

It always struck him as amazing that, despite the appearance of demons and the incredible loss of life they brought with them, everyone still did their best to get by. True, every household now had at least a single gun, and all doors and widows were reinforced or boarded up, but life continued. Society survived.

They walked in silence for a few seconds, the gentle tapping of their boots against the pavement providing a rhythmic distraction for Janus.

‘Eh, Janus,’ Petterson said, ‘how old are yeh? Nineteen? Twen’y?’

‘I’m eighteen.’

‘Eighteen and already a Sergeant? That’s damned impressive, y’know that?’

Janus squirmed inwardly; he hated praised - he never knew how to react to it. Supposedly he should be used to it by now, but it still felt unnatural. ‘So they say,’ he grunted.

‘I mean, you’re one of the youngest soldiers in the platoon, and yet second-in-command.’

Janus shrugged. ‘There are other eighteen-year-old Sergeants. It’s just the way the force works. Pick out any young boy or girl that shows a sign of promise and drill them and test them. Those that make it through to Sergeant can be the poster boy of the British Army - it lets them say, “look, this young lad made it up the ranks, why not you too?” I’m not really special in anyway, I’m just another form of propaganda.’

‘Oh,’ said Petterson. He almost looked disappointed.

A momentary, awkward silence leaked into the still air. From behind them, a muddy car gently rumbled by, a child in the back peering at the three khaki-clad soldiers with apparent interest.

‘Though that’s not to say I couldn’t kick your arse,’ Janus said, probing the waters with a joke.

‘Oh yeah?’ Petterson chuckled, ‘You wanna try that one on for size, little man?’

‘Barvd, who do you think would win in a fight? Me or him?’

Barvd stopped walking and turned around to face his two companions. Janus and Petterson slowed to a halt a second later. Scratching his prematurely-grey hair, Barvd said to Petterson, ‘The Sergeant’s technique trumps your size advantage.’ He shrugged and started walking again. ‘I’ve watched you both in training, and I defiantly think the Sergeant would win.’

Janus surprised himself by feeling rather proud. His question hadn’t been serious, but Barvd’s honest answer meant a lot to him. But then, there were few people in the army he respected more than him.

‘Attention all units,’ the radio barked. ‘There has been a demon sighted in Great Wyncote.’ An excited constriction building in his chest, Janus grabbed the receiver and turned up the volume. ‘Proceed to Barking Road. Repeat - there has been a demon sighted at Barking Road.’

‘That’s near here,’ Janus said, ‘it shouldn’t be more than a five minute walk.’

‘How do you know that?’ asked Petterson.

‘I memorised the map.’ He coughed. ‘Private Petterson, Private Barvd - follow my lead; guns on safety, and only fire on my order.’

The two soldiers saluted. ‘Yes sir.’

_________________
The Broken.

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five

Since 7th Sep: 9,400 words down, only 90,600 to go!


Last edited by Sureal on Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:46 pm; edited 2 times in total
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