Topic ID: 12277
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1748 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 4:22 am Post subject: the children of philosophy |
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(many thanks to Harpz for the use of her awesome title!)
inspiration marinates this land in a thin glaze of honey wine
and the nectar of old gods. across the fresh Aegean blue,
heroes from the distant past are calling,
thrumming in the blood and aching
in the ancient earth.
this is a land ripe for birth,
where the sun drips, breathless,
from the bulging hills
and the pomegranate trees hang
loose-limbed against the open sky.
here, the Muses comb long tresses
in clove-scented gardens,
and gods converse in whispers which
echo across the ages.
here, the world contracts:
under her bright skin unshackled minds
fight free from shadows, and like all good children
born to launch themselves from precipices,
they dare to touch the Absolute. |
_________________ "Life is like a box of chocolates - it is overpriced, will make you sick if you have it too quickly, and if other people see you with it, they will try to take bits of it away from you." -- I Moved Your Cheese
S.P.E.W.
Last edited by bubblewrapped on Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:43 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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xanthan gum
gummyface! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 13 Sep 2005 Posts: 991 Reviews: 683 Country: Scenic New Jersey 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 5:43 am Post subject: |
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| Just dropped in to say that I love all the Greek allusions, and I'll get back to this. |
_________________ Carpe Diem. |
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Loose
Absolutely. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 27 Nov 2006 Posts: 708 Reviews: 260 Country: Australia 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 7:30 am Post subject: |
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| sorry if theyre reading this, but your peom is better that Harpz. Cute how you put the "the" in the title. |
_________________ "I like chocolate, and that's the secret to longevity"-Lindsay Fox
"I was never more certain of how far away I was from my goal than when I was standing right beside it."- Vincent, Gattaca |
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1748 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:51 am Post subject: |
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I guess that's encouraging, LOL. Will look forward to your crit, xanthan . |
_________________ "Life is like a box of chocolates - it is overpriced, will make you sick if you have it too quickly, and if other people see you with it, they will try to take bits of it away from you." -- I Moved Your Cheese
S.P.E.W. |
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Phorcys
The Wannabe Actor Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 15 Feb 2006 Posts: 1463 Reviews: 605 Country: Blighty 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 11:01 am Post subject: |
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inspiration marinates this land in a thin glaze of honey wine
and the nectar of old gods; across the fresh Aegean blue,
heroes from the distant past are calling,
thrumming in the blood and aching
in the ancient earth. |
I would have put a Capital "I" at the start of the verse - but its up to you and how you want the poem to be portrayed.
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this is a land ripe for birth, |
again a capital here.
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where the sun drips, breathless,
from the bulging hills
and the pomegranate trees hang
loose-limbed against the open sky.
here, the Muses comb long tresses
in clove-scented gardens,
and gods converse in whispers which
echo across the ages;
here, the world contracts,
and under her bright skin, unshackled minds
fight free from shadows, like all good children
born to launch themselves from precipices
and dare to touch the Absolute. |
I loved this, it was just full of life, meaning and imagery, all balanced into a publishable poem. I really enjoyed this and its one of my favourites on YWS. I love how you capitalised "Absoulte".
Nice work! |
_________________ Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
Silver Ferride (Novel) |
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Harpz
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Dec 2006 Posts: 16 Reviews: 12 Country: UNITED STATES 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Beautiful. |
_________________ "Nobody ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have while trying to write one."-Robert Byrne |
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1748 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2007 8:47 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Harpz  |
_________________ "Life is like a box of chocolates - it is overpriced, will make you sick if you have it too quickly, and if other people see you with it, they will try to take bits of it away from you." -- I Moved Your Cheese
S.P.E.W. |
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gyrfalcon
to live would be an awefully big adventure Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 04 Sep 2006 Posts: 2144 Reviews: 423 Country: follow me 316 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 01, 2007 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Really fantastic--I love the greed references. You made the landscape and the imagery come alive for me; a really fantastic bit of poetry. |
_________________ “If we do not believe in decent behaviour, why should we be so anxious to make excuses for not having behaved decently…For you notice that it is only for our bad behaviour that we find all these explanations.” ~C.S. Lewis |
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blotty
New Member

Age: 15 Joined: 03 Jan 2007 Posts: 3 Reviews: 2 Country: england 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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i had to read it through a few ties because i'm really tired but that is such an amazing poem really beautiful.
the language is just stunning.
i love it. |
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1748 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys, I appreciate the encouragement  |
_________________ "Life is like a box of chocolates - it is overpriced, will make you sick if you have it too quickly, and if other people see you with it, they will try to take bits of it away from you." -- I Moved Your Cheese
S.P.E.W. |
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Poor Imp
imp forgets what was writ Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 20 Feb 2006 Posts: 3776 Reviews: 417 Country: the roof 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 12:16 am Post subject: |
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Hello bubbles.
The poem is a place. But as good poetry, thoughtful, ought, it has layers - and the description of the land, allusive to myth and history, makes what might have been simple showing three-dimensional.
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inspiration marinates this land in a thin glaze of honey wine
and the nectar of old gods; across the fresh Aegean blue,
heroes from the distant past are calling, |
Though I like the stairway sliding down to shorter line-length, the transition between 'nectar of old gods' and 'across the fresh...' felt awkward. It may be the semi-colon, which connects them too closely; it may be the length of the line and disparate images. I'm afraid I can't pinpoint it.
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heroes from the distant past are calling,
thrumming in the blood and aching
in the ancient earth. |
This an example of my remark about the dimensions - it fits itself, so to speak. (...Pardon my tendency to critique like fiction what isn't !_!)
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this is a land ripe for birth,
where the sun drips, breathless, |
'Breathless' nettled me a bit - connected with 'drips' - dripping breathlessly?
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fight free from shadows, like all good children
born to launch themselves from precipices
and dare to touch the Absolute. |
Again, the pattern downward to the finish. I like the ending on the plane of ideas. The conjunction sticks, either too smooth or disagreeing with the preceding. Could it be 'who' rather than 'and'?
I loved the poem. In fact, it was a lovely meditation to take me out of the idiotic contemplation of dystopian anarchy and other such things that had no end... ^_^'' I can only reiterate what I said at the beginning. The easy touch of layers of time seemed on it, and gave a depth to the images that way.
IMP |
_________________ 'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche |
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bubblewrapped
(Mostly) Harmless Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1748 Reviews: 574 Country: New Zealand 300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 8:12 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Imp! I only just read your crit **blushes** I was looking through some of my old work and decided to touch up a couple of the areas you mentioned; I'm going to leave "breathless" though - it brings a particular moment to mind and it just works for me LOL. Thanks again for the help though  |
_________________ "Life is like a box of chocolates - it is overpriced, will make you sick if you have it too quickly, and if other people see you with it, they will try to take bits of it away from you." -- I Moved Your Cheese
S.P.E.W. |
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CK Lynn
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 335 Reviews: 211 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 22, 2007 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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| I really liked it. Very discriptive. |
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