Young Writers Society - Shadow of the heart

News:

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!

Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers

by xGraceex in Art & Photography


	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on December 17, 2006

Shadow of the heart

Topic ID: 12049

View previous topic :: View next topic

Author

Message

piepiemann22
For Honor
Master of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1368
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points

Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 12:05 am Post subject: Shadow of the heart

Darkness shall grow, binding the heart and engulfing the soul. All light shall fade all hope is lost. But within the darkness an endless shadow, life shall endure. If the flicker becomes a blaze free the heart shall be. But if it fades, then it shall forever be cursed by darkness and shadow.
Last edited by piepiemann22 on Wed Jan 17, 2007 12:05 am; edited 1 time in total

RoxanneR
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 162
Reviews: 90

300 Points

Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 10:04 am Post subject:

This should be in poetry, not fiction. Unless, of course, you want to turn it into a story. Then it's fine. RR*
_________________ Want a faithful critique? PM me! Luv RR*

Jiggity
The Sinister Jigster
Master of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 19
Joined: 18 Nov 2005
Posts: 1947
Reviews: 617
Country: Australia
3086 Points

Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:50 pm Post subject:

Yeah, this should be in poetry lol.

Quote:

heatr

heart

Quote:

forevere

forever

Quote:

but within the darkness
an endless shadow
life shall endure
if it becomes a blaze

I think this passage would make more sense if the line "a flame flickers" or somesuch. Before the blaze part, and as a sign that life is indeed still there.

However, having said that I think this entire piece is pretty much useless. It does nothing and serves no purpose and nor is it a masterpiece of writing, which would excuse the lack of purpose/message. In any sense, this type of poetry has been seen before. Many many times. Why not try to write about something that means a lot to you, something personal. Something people can relate to. See what happens.

_________________
Initiate II

This thread was created on December 17, 2006	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction	All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

Jump to:

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum

This thread was created on December 17, 2006

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo

Bartemius says, If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over. - Yiddish proverb