Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Revising Hope chapter 5
Revising Hope chapter 5

by beautyandthefish in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on December 15, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
chapter 2 of innocence
Chapter 3 of innocence {draft two}
chapter four of innocence

innocence

Topic ID: 12017
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
blackwings_angel   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

38
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 342
Reviews: 38

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 4:50 am    Post subject: innocence Reply with quote

"Innocnce is nonsense these days. That's what grandfather used to always say. Sometimes on days like these i agree." from the diary of Tairen Zyiak January 12th, 1352.

Tairen walked slowly down the cobblestone street. There was snow banks on either side of the path, which had been lightly dusted by snow. His fingers were wrapped around his mother and sister's hands. His mother looked almost like a snow-witch, the ones that had haunted the earth for fifteen years now, entirely covering the world with their art, the snowflakes. His mother was turning pale, almost blue form the cold, her coat had icicles dripping off of the hem. Her cloak dragged along the ground, turning up the snow.

"Mother, when will we get to Father's house in the woods?" Sentai asked, her little hands shaking in Tairen's. Her dark blue scarf had turned almost white from the steady snow income. Her gown she had gotten for christmas, was now lined with snow, all along the bottom hem. Her coat hung over it, it's fur blowing every time a breeze swept by.

"Soon, honey soon. I know your father will be waiting for us with a blazing fire." Tairen's mother looked down on her, smiling a wimpish smile. The hope of warmth was slim. A gust swept over Tairen and his family, blowing the powder of the drifts into their faces. Tairen looked to the sky. Two breezes coming from oppsite directions usually only meant one thing, witches. Tairen stopped walking. His mother looked at him frightfully, sensing what he was thinking. "Sentai, come quickly. Stay with me now." His mother grabbed her hand, and pulled her towards one of the snow banks, and hid behind it, crouching as low as she could.

"Witches, ugh i hate them terriblely." Tairen said, unsheathing his blade, its silver body shining against the snow. Tairen heard a cackle above him. "One," then another "Two. I've got my hands full today." Two pale blue women, swooped down from the sky, their capes flying behind them. They rode on skecpters, giant dragonflies, more dragon than fly.Their dark black scales made them stand out vividly aginst the white world. Their four transparent wings buzzed to their sides, hover in mid air. Their dark beaks were bright yellow, just like their eyes. Their muscular legs landed hardly in the snow, their talons piercing the thick ice. It's beastly macelike tail dangled below it, swaying with the wind. The witches hopped off the skecpters, their gowns twirling in the wind. They had dark blue hair and pointed ears, just like the elven folk. They wore revealing almost clear dresses, with swirls of light blue and whites entagling it. They both had wicked smiles upon their faces.

"I can sense a few sisters, waiting to join our cause somewhere out there." One witch said, her nose twitching pointing upwards.

"All I see is this morsel, hardly a snack for our skecpters. Yet I too smell them." the other witch said, walking towards Tairen, his swords drawn at hand.

"You witches must be quite old, you are losing your sense of smell, it is just I."Tairen said, standing boldy, his face not even flinching from its stern appearance.

"Just you? I doubt you would travel these roads alone." Maybe behind the snow banks?" the taller witch said. "It appears there is a blue and white scarf coming out from behind it and I am quite sure that that scarf is connected to a neck!" The witch said, twirling her hand taking control of the snow around the scarf. She abruptly pulled her hand up, The scarf, along with a struggling Sentai dangled in mid-air.

"You Witch!" Tairen yelled.

"Honey they don't call us witches for nothing." the younger looking witch said smiling at him and the sturggling girl in the air.

"You will pay for hurting my sister!" Tairen said, handling his blade like an experienced fighter, slashed at the witch, removing her fingers. The witch screamed in agony holding her hand tightly. Sentai and the scarf fell to the ground, she was gasping for breathe.

"Now I think it will be you who will pay." the younger witch said. She lunged at the boy, her pointed teeth exposed. Her catlike eyes staring viciously. She tackled Tairen, knocking his blade out of his hand. She sat upon him snarling, "Would you be devastated if your sister's blood was on your blade?" The witch asked, with the twirling of her hand. The snow built up along the handle. Tairen stared frightfully.

"Run Sentai! Run!" Tairen yelled, Struggling to get the witch off of him. The witch cackled and swung her hand. The blade flew towards the little girl, still in a heap on the ground, gasping for breathe. Tairen's mother screamed and dove in front of the blade, which pierced her through the chest. She lay in a heap next to her now screaming daughter. Tairen turned his face away from the view, tears impairing his vision.

"I hope your happy." the witch said, slapping him into unconcissnious.

When Tairen awoke he was half covered in snow. After shaking himself off, he rushed over to the snow bank. There lay his mother, sprinkled with white snow. The bloody scene now forever white. Their was another lump next to her. Tairen collapsed to his knees in sadness. He had lost everything that mattered to him, his mother, his siter, and soon he would die. He brushed the snow off of the lump, and next to his mother lay a pile of pinecones! his little sister was still alive somewher out there. Unfortunelty she was probably taken away by the witches, to be converted into a sister of their cult. Tairen removed his blade form his mother, something he almost couldn't do. He dug a hole in the snow, six feet deep and made his mother look as peaceful as possible. Frozen tears covered her face after Tairen had lowered her into the hole. She had left him, she was on her way to heaven, and Tairen would avenge her. She did not dei in vain saving his sister. He would not let the witches take her. After a solomn prayer Tairen headed off onto the trail, now in a jog, towards the forest. He had to settle a few things first.



Last edited by blackwings_angel on Sat Dec 23, 2006 12:19 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SPeeDeMonD130   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

5
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 7
Reviews: 5
Country: U.S.A.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story. Hope to see more soon.

_________________
~SPeeDeMonD130~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
SPeeDeMonD130   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

5
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 7
Reviews: 5
Country: U.S.A.
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 11:58 pm    Post subject: wow Reply with quote

Alright first of all, GREAT story. I thought it was one of the best things I've ever read. I was sad too. In the end. Second, you might need to work on a few errors that I found while reading it. Third, KEEP WRITING!!! You DEFINITELLY have a talent for writing so keep on writing.

_________________
~SPeeDeMonD130~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
blackwings_angel   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

38
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 342
Reviews: 38

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*laughing hysterically* thanks Dan, but you make me sound like a pro I'm not that good. And if you want to read good read a senior writers pieces Wink but yeah thanks for the comment and maybe a few more Razz
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 3:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"Innocnce is nonsense these days. That's what grandfather used to always say. Sometimes on days like these i agree." from the diary of Tairen Zyiak January 12th, 1352.
Not ‘innocence’ but ‘innocence’. Not ‘i’ but ‘I’

Quote:
There was snow banks on either side of the path, which had been lightly dusted by snow.
You used snow two times… Use something else for a change. The same to ‘his mother’. This is not the first chapter, why not give the mother’s name?

Quote:
Her gown she had gotten for christmas, was now lined with snow, all along the bottom hem.
‘The gown (…)’ not ‘her gown (…)’. With ‘her’ the sentence does not make sense. ‘Christmas’ from a capital letter. -In your world they celebrate Christmas? o_O Also, the last bit is irritating me. It sounds like you wanted the sentence to look longer, but instead its giving me a headache. I would leave that fragment off.

Quote:
Her coat hung over it, it's fur blowing every time a breeze swept by.
Maybe: ‘The coat that she had on (…)’ -But that’s only a suggestion. Seconldy, ‘(..) fur blowing’? I don’t get that. Bad words used here, in my opinion.

Quote:
Soon, honey soon. I know your father will be waiting for us with a blazing fire
You had ‘father’ with a capital letter above, why isn’t it like that here

Quote:
Tairen's mother looked down on her, smiling a wimpish smile.
‘Wimpish’ is not a word. You wanted to say: ‘impish’? I don’t think impish would be the right word here…

Quote:
The hope of warmth was slim. A gust swept over Tairen and his family, blowing the powder of the drifts into their faces.
From the gust part there should be a new paragraph.

Quote:
Two breezes coming from oppsite directions usually only meant one thing, witches.
‘Opposite’, not ‘oppsite’. I would add the ‘:’ sign before ;witches’. Also, you never said about those two breezes before… I had no idea they where there, I mean.

Quote:
Witches, ugh i hate them terriblely
‘I’ in capitals, and ‘terribly’ not ‘terriblely’.

Quote:
"One," then another "Two. I've got my hands full today."
I have no idea what you meant by that part.

Quote:
They rode on skecpters, giant dragonflies, more dragon than fly.
The bit after the second comma is incomprehensible for me.

Quote:
They wore revealing almost clear dresses, with swirls of light blue and whites entagling it
Wow, here. ‘They wore revealing almost clear dresses’. Wrong. Next up, you have blue singular and white plural. Why? Entangling’, not ;antagling’, and ‘them’ not ‘it’. Watch what you’re writing.

Quote:
One witch said,
I would cross out the ‘one’. It is not needed here. Then a bit down you have ‘witch’ again. Why>

Quote:
the other witch said, walking towards Tairen, his swords drawn at hand.
That sentence tells me that the witch has a sword. Really.

Quote:
"Just you? I doubt you would travel these roads alone." Maybe behind the snow banks?" the taller witch said.
Asked, mused. Not SAID, please. Since when is she taller?

Quote:
She abruptly pulled her hand up, The scarf, along with a struggling Sentai dangled in mid-air.
Eeeeh, what is that scarf doing there? And why is ‘the’ in capitals, while we’re at it?

Quote:
"You Witch!" Tairen yelled.
Witch from a capital?

Quote:
The witch screamed in agony holding her hand tightly.
Add ‘while’.

Quote:
Sentai and the scarf fell to the ground, she was gasping for breathe.
Who? The scarf? I know that ‘she’ is there, but…

Quote:
"Now I think it will be you who will pay." the younger witch said.
Since when is that witch younger?

Quote:
Her catlike eyes staring viciously.
At that to the sentence before, if you must, but do not leave it here.
Quote:
She tackled Tairen, knocking his blade out of his hand. She sat upon him snarling,
She, she, she, she…

Quote:
The witch asked, with the twirling of her hand. The snow built up along the handle. Tairen stared frightfully.
Why is the witch twirling her hand? Any explanations? Do something with the second sentence up there, and how can you stand frightfully?

Quote:
The blade flew towards the little girl, still in a heap on the ground, gasping for breathe.
‘who was still (…)’

Quote:
Tairen's mother screamed and dove in front of the blade, which pierced her through the chest.
Yes, I’ve been wondering where the mother is. She was just hiding and watching? Letting her sun do what he wanted?

Quote:
There lay his mother, sprinkled with white snow. The bloody scene now forever white.
Add the second sentence to the first.

Quote:
"Would you be devastated if your sister's blood was on your blade?" The witch asked, with the twirling of her hand. The snow built up along the handle. Tairen stared frightfully.
Back to this part, I don’t get it.


Quote:
When Tairen awoke he was half covered in snow.
Maybe: ‘(…) he realized that (…)

Quote:
The bloody scene now forever white
What is this sentence here for?

Quote:
Their was another lump next to her.
There.

Quote:
He had lost everything that mattered to him, his mother, his siter, and soon he would die. He brushed the snow off of the lump, and next to his mother lay a pile of pinecones! his little sister was still alive somewher out there. Unfortunelty she was probably taken away by the witches, to be converted into a sister of their cult. Tairen removed his blade form his mother, something he almost couldn't do.
I have objections to this whole fragment. Really. Reread it, rewrite it, press spell-check.

Quote:
He brushed the snow off of the lump, and next to his mother lay a pile of pinecones! his little sister was still alive somewher out there
Its ‘somewhere’. You never did say that she was taken away, did you? His’ from capitals.

Quote:
Frozen tears covered her face after Tairen had lowered her into the hole.
She’s dead and she’s crying. Wow.

Quote:
He dug a hole in the snow, six feet deep and made his mother look as peaceful as possible.
‘(…) make her look as peaceful as possible.’ Interesting.

Quote:
She did not dei in vain saving his sister.
Die?

Okay. That’s it. Well, its not. I left out a whole lot of mistake in the last chapter, simply because I do not have the time to correct them now.
I do not agree with SPeeDeMon. Personally, I had to make myself read it. Parts where a bit too melodramatic in my opinion, you made the impression of being lost in your story. Sorry, but I didn’t like it.

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Phorcys   View This User's Portfolio
The Wannabe Actor
Master of the Forum

605
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Feb 2006
Posts: 1463
Reviews: 605
Country: Blighty
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 4:04 pm    Post subject: Re: wow Reply with quote

SPeeDeMonD130 wrote:
Alright first of all, GREAT story. I thought it was one of the best things I've ever read. I was sad too. In the end. Second, you might need to work on a few errors that I found while reading it. Third, KEEP WRITING!!! You DEFINITELLY have a talent for writing so keep on writing.


If I was admin I would be banning you over and over again. As mentor Ill point out that you have written a critique unworthy of a place on the internet. This is not helping blackwings at all and is cluttering the thread with useless burble.

Quote:
Second, you might need to work on a few errors that I found while reading it.


What errors, point them out - it will help your own writing immensely.


Why was the story great, what were the good aspects? Did you like the characters, the world, the plot, the style????

_________________
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
Silver Ferride (Novel)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on December 15, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on December 15, 2006

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. - H. Jackson Brown
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society