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yoha_ahoy
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xalabasteralienx
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 Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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I love that Robert dies with Cari in his arms. That is so romantic.
Critiqueing:
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| the next evening, in the early hours of the morning |
This might just be me, but I don't think that evening = early hours of the morning. You should choose one or the other. Again, a few spelling errors, but that is easily excused since you were up at 1 AM.
Great story. Can't wait to hear more!  |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 4:33 am Post subject: |
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Holy crap. I want to cry right now. Seriously. This is one of the most touching things ever. I mean, all stories end like this, with the lover dying (if they are in a hospital...get me? I Don't..) but it was still shocking....
The painting was the best part of it all..
Wow. I love this! I'm gonna go read something else of yours!
BBB |
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Finchley
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| Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:53 am Post subject: |
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| Just one thing I noticed - I believe the creative side is on the right, not the left. And at times, the dialogue seemed a little...forced... I guess. But really, it's such a beautiful story - very moving. And the ending is wonderful... |
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Fall_Into_The_Sky
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| Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: |
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omg i'm crying
that was such a beautiful story but so sad.. |
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keirab
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| Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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Aww! That is really sweet! Um...excuse me for a moment...I have something in my eye.... 
I really liked this a lot! My only problem was that it seemed to change from past-tense to present-tense a bit in the beginning, maybe I was just imagining it, can't tell, but it seemed to me that you switched a bit.
Loved it though!!  |
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PerforatedxHearts
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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This would be near perfect, save for two things:
-Grammar and spelling. There's a wonderful thing called Microsoft Word Spellcheck and Gramar.
-The beginning.
I don't mean the first paragraph or so. I'm thinking about the big chunk of about 5 paragraphs, I think. Before the narrator and Robert get it going on.
The normal part, I'd say. I think you need to draw out the interaction, let a little bit of dialogue flow before they start saying their "I Do's".
Otherwise, this would be an amazing story. You've got the middle [from
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I shut the door behind me. “What are we doing today, Robert?” I would ask him. Usually we would watch TV together or people watch quietly out the window. Occasionally he’d show the rare feeling of happiness when a particular character would show up on TV, or certain people would walk by outside. He would get excited, bouncing and squeaking while smiling. On one or two of these instances, he shouted my name.
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and on] to the end, timed perfectly. It really is near perfect.
It's heartwarming. Almost made me cry, which is a feat in itself when I have to admit it. The tinge of romance makes it so, so bittersweet.
Good job! Keep working on this and I think we might even have a publishable short story on our hands!
--Seree. |
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cloudy.skiesx
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:25 pm Post subject: Woah... |
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| ...this is so good, where did you get the idea? It's so original, I've never read anything like it ! Everyone's already pointed out the simple spelling errors but, everyone gets a few chances , No seriously, that was amazing! I'd love to read more! |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! I'm so flattered on the amount of feedback on this and the reactions! And thanks for your suggestions on fixes PerforatedxHearts, and you suggestion on it being publishable! I never even thought of that!! Now you've got me thinking! I think this is my most popular romance too. ^^Hehe, thanks for all the love guys!
~Yoyo  |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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| This is such a sweet, sweet story. I really really enjoyed reading it. Thanks!!! |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:49 am Post subject: |
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I loved this. It was so beautiful...and it was so sad. Wow!!
Sorry for the being speechless but this really made me cry.
Bravo!!! |
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Izzyeyore
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:21 pm Post subject: |
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Wow.. I'm so jealous of your talent right now!
PM me if/when you post more? I'd love to read more of your work |
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Kadie
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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It's a really touching story, but i think him dying is really out of the blue.
I mean, he has a mental disability, not physical. There was really no reason for him to die.
So when you edit you should probably add something in. |
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