Topic ID: 11803
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
dream_girl08
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 08 Nov 2006
Posts: 1
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 4:13 pm Post subject: . |
 |
|
|
Last edited by dream_girl08 on Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:44 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Jennafina
it's not you, it's Utah
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Posts: 2205
Reviews: 617
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 9:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, dream_girl, welcome to YWS! I'm Jenna.
About your story, formatting please! ^.^ This would be so much easier to read if you put in more paragraphs, especially around your dialogue so it's easy to tell apart.
| Quote: |
| Thoughts going in and out of my head looking up into the sky seeing my reflection in the window. Tears filling my eyes but do you even know. |
These aren't proper sentences. There are two ways you could fix them easily:
Thoughts are going in and out of my head looking up into the sky seeing my reflection in the window. Tears are filling my eyes but do you even know.
By adding 'are's, or:
Thoughts go in and out of my head looking up into the sky seeing my reflection in the window. Tears fill my eyes but do you even know.
...by changing the verbs. I like this way better, it's more active. You change tenses like this a lot, but it's not hard to fix, it just takes a little reviewing. 
Interesting idea, though if you were trying to write something funny, it didn't show until the last line. Because it's so out of context, it seems funny, but if you talk more about her trying not to cry and thus making weird faces, it would be really sad.
This story is kind of cute, and a great start. It could be really depressing if we (the readers) could know more about the narrator. It's hard to care or emphasize for someone we know nothing about. Maybe some flashbacks?
I'd like this better if there was less angst, more action. Show it, don't just describe it. For example, make her remember how he kissed her and stuff. Maybe flash back to how they broke up. Doing anything like that would make it feel less random.
Good luck, keep writing! |
_________________
"As idle as a painted ship, upon a painted ocean. There's no wind, Mr. Bracegirdle. We are becalmed."
Storybook Writers' Guild
Nate for '08! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Cassandra
Procrastinator Extrordinare
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Apr 2006
Posts: 1420
Reviews: 161
Country: Los Estados Unidos
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with Jennafina about this piece lacking action--this seems like a lot of teenage angst to me.
| Quote: |
| Tears filling my eyes but do you even know. |
This is a question, so treat it as such! Lose the period and add a question mark!
One thing that you should aim for in your writing is to come to some sort of conclusion. There's no sort of story to tell if nothing changes, or no resolution is come to. You have the beginnings of this: we the readers see that the boyfriend, if that's who he is, is not what the girl wishes him to be. But you need to expand on this. Make your readers care about your main character so that we are disappointed as well when he makes the sneezing remark.
You have a lot of run-on sentences in this. Reading this aloud should help--always read your pieces aloud to hear exactly where to place commas and periods.
PM me or post here if you have any questions, and keep writing!  |
_________________
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk |
|
| Back to top |
|
pandoraswritings
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Jan 2006
Posts: 125
Reviews: 85
Country: US
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 2:42 am Post subject: Re: a sneeze you say? |
|
|
| dream_girl08 wrote: |
| Thoughts go in and out of my head looking up into the sky seeing my reflection in the window. Tears fill my eyes but do you even know. |
Shouldn't this be "Thoughts go in and out of my head as I'm looking up into the sky, seeing my reflection in the window."? Then, "Tears fill my eyes, but do you even know why?"
| dream_girl08 wrote: |
Sitting next to me, leaving for a while my best friend in the back I put my head down. I remember when ever we use to go out like this you will tell me to go with you or kiss me when you left.
Starting to wonder why everything changed why my life is like this, why I feel so empty when you’re gone why I cry so much and never stop, I can’t even move on.
|
This is a really bad paragraph... it should be, "Sitting next to me; leaving for a while; me best friend in the back."(The back of what?) "I put my head down. I remember when we used to go out like this:you would tell me to go with you or kiss me when you left. I'm starting to wonder why everything changed in my life like this; why I feel so empty when you're gone; why I cry so much and never stop. I can't even move on."
No offense, but this is really boring to read already. It's very confusing...
Well, I'm not really up to correcting thee rest, because this is not very good to me...sorry...but it's not for me.
Pandora |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
