Topic ID: 11767
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Alanna
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 Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 6:40 am Post subject: Betrayal |
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Betrayed
Overwhelmed
disbelief
One who was brother betrayed me and now I'm no longer free.
Betrayed
Overwhelmed
disbelief
I told you of my past and you accepted it at last.
Betrayed
Overwhelmed
disbelief
No longer do I feel those.
Betrayed
Overwhelmed
[/i]confident
grateful
Is what i feel now. My brother accepted my past and my Friends took it for what they are a leader,and woman of great wisdom. |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 6:58 am Post subject: |
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Welcome, Alanna -
By the standards of even inexperienced readers, this is junk. Sorry, but it's simply not "improvable" through editing. Both the concept and presentation are boorish.
It really is a waste of everyone's time for you to post additional material at this level. Take up reading poetry--maybe you could then produce something which at least satisfies the minimal coordinates of what a "poem" is.
Best,
Brad |
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Griffinkeeper
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| Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 8:06 am Post subject: |
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I thought the repetition of
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Betrayed
Overwhelmed
disbelief |
was very annoying. It is being used as a frame, but it doesn't work.
A poem can stand on its own if it is concise and precise about its subject. The subject here is very vague, (read personal) and because of this the poem is only good for those "in the know" which none of us are.
So, my advice is to get rid of the repetition, since it is nothing more than a crutch for a poem that is having trouble standing on it's own.
Then,
Wait a minute, this is in Fan Fiction!
What's it doing here? Is this a tribute to an author or a fan piece about an existing world?
Or is this in the wrong section?
If this is an introduction for a story, consider this: people don't read poems at the beginning of a story unless they are clear, concise, and precise. This sort of poem is something I would skip, in hopes of coming across something of real substance.
So, this work leaves the reader confused. What was she thinking, what does this mean, and what is she saying? |
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TL G-Wooster
one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
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| Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, don't be too harsh you guys. Its very discouraging, reading blighting reviews.
Maybe, Alanna if you rewrote the the poem in a different, more clearer way, but still retaining the actual idea of it. Is is Murtagh or Eragon or who speaking? Make that clearer, and break it up into actual stanzas. The actual idea of it was good. Maybe if you rewrite this, you could devote each stanza to a certain character; like the first one could be Eragon's thoughts about Murtagh's betrayal, the second one could be Nasuada's thoughts, the third Arya's or Saphira's, and then finish up with the last stanza being Murtagh's thoughts, and the turmoil he feels inside about what has happened. Just a rough idea, but try again, and don't get down! |
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Alanna
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank You ,you saved my poem. |
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Pyxis
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| Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 9:21 pm Post subject: |
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Umm...
Not the best. Too repetitive, but that is easily fixed.
Also, since it said 'brothers' I thought Eragon/Murtagh, but at the end it seemed that it was Eragon/Roran. If it's the latter, you could change the word 'brother' to 'cousin.
I agree with ST, though. Good idea, just needs some tweaking. |
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Firestalker
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| Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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I hope i'm not hurting your feelings but
Improve!!!!!
Improve!!!!!
Improve!!!!!
I dont understand a word.
Thank you for reading this crit |
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Alanna
Senior Writer
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Age: 16
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Country: formerly of Alderaan and now residing on Corellia
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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I did it's called Betrayl remixed.
Alanna |
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Firestalker
Prince Of The StoryBooks and Death
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 10:00 am Post subject: |
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| Oh did you i'll check it out |
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The Prince of the storybooks comes,
Starting the inferno of fire,
And stalking death itself,
Firestalker is back
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