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luna_the_shiekah
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 Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 5:18 am Post subject: Disney's Sleeping Beauty |
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I never really expected to post this. There was a thread on a roleplaying site called gaiaonline where you posted a truth or dare of writing for the person who posted next.
The dare: Rewrite the ending to a Disney movie. And I chose Sleeping Beauty. Here is the result. Enjoy 
Sleeping Beauty copyright to Disney.
I own nothing!!
***
An Alternate Ending to Disney's Sleeping Beauty
Prince Phillip panted and quickly dove to the side of the rocky cliff. To think that the vile witch Maleficent had such a demonic form beneath her emerald skin, dark cloaks, and condescending tone. It was a horrific sight to behold for any mortal.
The dragon screeched and roared, fire mimicking its opposite forms flesh erupting from its gaping maw. The ebony scales that covered its massive body seemed to drink in the very light around it, the hardened flesh of the creature's belly in a dark mauve hue. Malevolent glowing yellow eyes pierced the clouded skies, forcing his heart to skip in terror as he pressed his back against the black patch of thorns and spikes behind him.
Phillip cried out in pain as he felt the sharpened points rip through the silk clothing of his royal garments and pierce his flesh. The crimson liquid that kept him and all other mortals alive dripped down the paling skin of his back.
With white knuckles, he gripped his shield and sacred blade, his jaw clenched and his gaze hardening in response to the dragon's bloodthirsty stare.
He had a maiden to awake. A fair-haired, pale maiden with pools of blue and full red lips. A princess endowed pleasing curves that locked inside the sincere heartbeat of a saint. Her long lashes had been closed for far too long, her breathing slow and leisurely for years in her magic-induced slumber.
He had to save her. It was his duty as a prince, as a man, as the woman's fiancée.
His duty was to never be completed. In his haze of blood loss and desire for the lady held beyond his reach by magic and stone, the dragon flew up and descended upon him from the stormy skies above, its jaw unhinging and forcefully pulling his body apart. His torso separated from his pelvis, his blood showered the morbid vines as the witch crunched on his bones and delighted in the taste of his organs.
The sacred shield and sword fell to the ground. A testament of a noble act left undone. |
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Cpt. Smurf
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| Posted: Sat Dec 09, 2006 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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Overall, i thought this was good. There were a few things that were unnecessary, so i will review those.
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| The dragon screeched and roared, fire mimicking its opposite forms flesh erupting from its gaping maw. |
There was only a minor mistake here. You should have put a comma after 'forms.'
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| The crimson liquid that kept him and all other mortals alive dripped down the paling skin of his back. |
You could drop the "and all other mortals" bit, it doesn't need to be there. "The crimson liquid that kept him alive" works just as well.
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| His torso separated from his pelvis, his blood showered the morbid vines as the witch crunched on his bones and delighted in the taste of his organs. |
I think there was some unnecessary gore here. It detracts from the quality of the piece. All you really needed to say was something like "his blood showered the morbid vines, while the witch delighted in her kill." This has the same effect without giving us graphic gorey images.
Overall, this was very good, and i actually had to be quite picky to find anything to improve on. There is nothing bad here, and it is a good, darker alternative to a much loved children's tale. |
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Lilyy03
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| Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:39 pm Post subject: |
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This was interesting! I quite liked the way it held to the original in some ways, but was much darker. The Prince's thoughts about the girl were especially well done. I can only think of a few small things that could be improved...
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| Prince Phillip panted and quickly dove to the side of the rocky cliff. |
I think the word "quickly" might be a bit extraneous here... When I think of word "dive", it happening quickly seems sort of automatic.
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| ... as the woman's fiancée. |
I'm pretty sure that fiancée is the term for an engaged woman, and finacé is the word for an engaged man. |
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luna_the_shiekah
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| Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:01 am Post subject: |
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KazSmurf: I see your point on the gore, I just threw it in to be bloody. 
Lilyy: I wasn't aware there were different versions of the word fiancee' depending on the gender of the person. Thanks for that tidbit though!
Thanks for the critiques ^_^ |
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Alteran
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| Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:21 am Post subject: Re: Disney's Sleeping Beauty |
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| luna_the_shiekah wrote: |
His duty was to never be completed. In his haze of blood loss and desire for the lady held beyond his reach by magic and stone, the dragon flew up and descended upon him from the stormy skies above, its jaw unhinging and forcefully pulling his body apart. His torso separated from his pelvis, his blood showered the morbid vines as the witch crunched on his bones and delighted in the taste of his organs. |
How pleasently graphic.
I like the idea of an unhappy ending to a disney movie (It will never happen).
Sweet except for the few parts that everyone else pointed out. I had a hard time understanding the part that said:
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| The dragon screeched and roared, fire mimicking its opposite forms flesh erupting from its gaping maw. |
till i read the crits. nice job
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| Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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A fair-haired, pale maiden with pools of blue and full red lips.
Pools of blue what?
I’m not a fan of Sleeping Beauty (or fanfiction). I also did not think the ending was as impressive as the beginning, especially as the description of the dragon was fabulous.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 6:27 am Post subject: |
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It wasn't perfect, but it didn't really need to be. Obviously this was just for fun and to amuse, and I was certainly amused. The image of Phillip getting horribly mutilated by Malificent pleased me, and not just because I think that Phillip is another annoying one-sided character of old-school Disney. Malificent is one of the coolest villains ever, and I think that she definitely should have beat him.
It amused me and with fanfiction, that's all that matters. |
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| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 3:27 am Post subject: |
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This is wicked cool. It unfortunetly would never happen, disney hasn't made anything have a sad ending in a while. If this were to be a disney picture It wouldn't be so bloody, the dragon would of just eaten him whole instead of ripping him in half sendin g blood everywhere.  Oh well. Send it into disney and see what happens that would be hilarious they could call it
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| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 3:34 am Post subject: |
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| It was very well written, and I'm not sure if someone already said this but when you said, "A fair-haired, pale maiden with pools of blue and full red lips." I think you meant with pools of blue for eyes or something like that but as it is it sounds like she has pools of blue on her... |
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Esmé
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| Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, I see that everything has been said, lol. I just wanted to add that the description of the dragon was fabulous. |
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Very good work. Nice and gory. The only mistakes I saw were the ones already pointed out. |
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:30 am Post subject: |
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| Even though The prince never kissed Sleeping Beautyand woke her up like the original story goes, I thought this was a splendid ending. I honestly like this ending more, it has more life in it. Good job. Everybodys yelling at me for not saying whats wrong with other peoples story because thats what a critique is. But there was nothing wrong with this onein my opinon. so.. Good Job! |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
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| Wow. Very descriptive, although I prefer happy endings, you wrote this piece beautifully and thats what counts. You did great on the imagery, unfortunately I could see everything happening, even the gorey parts. Great job, and good luck with your writing!!! |
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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This painted a great picture for me. I could really picture it all. I particularly liked the part where the dragon ripped his body to pieces. Deffinately a twist to this sweet fairytale!
Tis a shame that Arora will never wake up now... Hehe
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| pale maiden with pools of blue |
Does this mean eyes? My apologies if I sound stupid for asking. |
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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this was a very clever and intriguing twist on the classic disney story. I never would have thought of that. i believe that at the end, however, the gore was a little overboard but other than that, I think it was fantastic, no matter how gruesome the sad ending was. i, for some reason, tend to like taking a traditional story and twisting and altering it up a bit. overall, great job. i hope to see more of your work.
~Morgan~ |
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