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Stars, pt. 2
Stars, pt. 2

by Jiggity in Science-Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on November 17, 2006
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Pretty v.s Gangster

Topic ID: 11487
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Rockout   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 8:59 pm    Post subject: Pretty v.s Gangster Reply with quote

Chapter 1 The Bad Beginning

As I walked down 12th St. a group of guys came up behind me. I thought about running, but I lived on 16th Ave. and they would catch up before I made it home. I pretended not to notice them but I pretended to drop something (they were far enough away that they wouldn’t catch me). When I came back up I had my switchblade that had been strapped to my leg. As they got closer I got scared. One had black hair, tall and muscular. I knew him from some where. But I didn’t have time to think a car was pulling up next to me.

“Nick get in.” I knew that voice it was my brother Dynamite. The guys that had been following me back away. Every one knew who my brother was. Dynamite is the champion of our football team. He’s strong, tall, smart and fast.

“What the hell were you thinking?… There he goes with another one of his lectures.

“You should have gotten a ride home with John or taken the bus!” He was pissed.

“I tried to get a ride home with John I walked to his work but he said he had to work late. Then I walked back to school to get the bus but it had already left. And its not like I’m hurt or any thing just layoff it ok?” I was already getting annoyed of him.

“You were lucky that football practice ended early or those guys could have beaten the shit out of you! Do you ever use your brain instead of your thick skull? Soon your luck will run out and then where will you be?”

“I had my switchblade you don’t have to treat me like a baby!” Right after the words came out of my mouth we pulled into the driveway.

“No I don’t have to treat you like a baby but I do have to treat you like a girl!” I got out of the car and ran to my room. I heard the door slam downstairs and shouting. I locked my door and started to cry. I always hated when my brothers fought. The shouting stopped and there was a knock on my door I looked around for some where to hide. We didn’t have I very big room and I had to share it with my oldest brother John. I looked at the dresser no that’s Johns and its disgusting. Under the bed? No I don’t know what’s living under there. What about in my closet? There was a knock again so I dried off my face and opened the door. Standing in front of me was John. I looked up at him and I could see he looked sad.

“Hey can I talk to you?” He asked.

“Sure.” I moved out of the way and let him in.

“Dynamite didn’t mean what he said he was just really mad about football practice being canceled.” John was saying.

“Why was it canceled?” This was weird the coach never canceled practices.

“Some of the guys on the teams grades are slipping.”

“Its still not an excuse for yelling at me and its not my fault I almost got jumped cause you had to work late!” Once the words had left my mouth I wished I could take them back. But it was too late.

“ Its all my fault.” He said and walked out of our room. I wanted to run after him and tell him it wasn’t his fault but I couldn’t move. I fell onto my bed and cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up I washed my face and went down stairs. There was a note on the table.

Went to a rumble on the south side. There’s money for a coke and food. We will be back around 1:00AM. Signed Dynamite and John

P.S. Don’t get into major trouble.

I was used to them leaving me home and going to rumbles ever since Mom and Dad died two years ago. They had died in a car crash.

When I got to the store I wasn’t hungry any more so I decided to buy cokes for the whole gang and bring them to the rumble. As I walked to the rumble I noticed that I was wearing a hoody with no sleeves. I was cold out but it got warmer when I got to the rumble. There was a big bonfire burning. I put the cokes down and sat on the fence. Our gang was winning. As I scanned the gangs I saw a flash of silver near Dynamite. It took a second to register that it was a knife. I ran to Dynamite and told him. He ran off to sneak up behind the guy with the knife. Before I could get out of the rumble some one punched me in the eye. Some one else tried to punch me but I ducked and got out of the fight. Luckily my hood was covering my face or some one would have noticed I was a girl. I looked over to where the guy with the knife had been and I saw Dynamite about to jump him when he turned around. There was no time to loose he could stab Dynamite any minute. I ran as fast as I could and jumped on him. The force of me speed knocked him to the ground three other guys were already attacking Dynamite. I notice the guy with the knife was rolling over and when I saw his face I knew who it was. It was Jack! He tried to stab me but I rolled out of the way. Some one kicked me in the back. Jack took that chance to try and stab me again. As the knife came down I rolled again but this time I was a little late he had cut arm. I jumped to my feet as Jack pulled himself up. He stabbed at me but I ducked and punched him in the stomach. He fell to the ground. I heard a noise but I couldn’t tell what it was with all the commotion. I looked around that’s when Jack took the chance and kicked me in the stomach. I fell to the ground with the breath knocked out of me. I could hear every one running around me. I didn’t move for fear of some one stepping on me. I felt some one pick me up and start running home.



Last edited by Rockout on Sat Dec 02, 2006 3:18 pm; edited 2 times in total
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valeriejcz   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I love it and its sooo long!!!

And I hope u don't really think I'm that anoying... Wink

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rosethorn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 9:56 pm    Post subject: Red Reply with quote

First, please rate your work for language. It would be rated "R" for the F-bomb. Otherwise, you might not win too many people's favor.

Second, the title of Chapter 1 says it all. It's a bad beginning. It doesn't draw me in at all. Starting with "As" doesn't work too well.

Your story is worth reading once you get passed the beginning part. You have plenty of action oriented scenes.

Another thing. After most of your dialogue phrases, you tend to put "he said" or "she mumbled". It's not always nessesary to identify the speaker like this. Try using your character's personality to clearly identify who is speaking.

Now these are my minor suggestions for more attention. First, maybe come up with different names for your chapters. "Ouch" for a chapter name seems juvenille to me. Second, post one chapter at a time. The truth is, many people won't read this because of its length. Some people will take time to go through this entire piece in one sitting but they generally don't unless they know you well.

This is all the help I can give at this time.


As always,

POKE
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Rockout   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 17 Nov 2006
Posts: 2
Reviews: 1

300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2006 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the feedback it will help alot
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This thread was created on November 17, 2006

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