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Firestarter
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 Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 6:01 pm Post subject: burn my memories |
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stood by the fireplace
the letters
the messages
the pictures
the hope
all of the love
grasped in my hands,
waiting to be burnt.
i falter
that dead end
refusing to let go
refusing to give up
the chance
of us.
your dark eyes
stare at me
from the reaches
of a battered photo.
the smell
of a pressed flower.
i'll never forget
that touch
giving up
i throw them back
in the drawer
maybe tomorrow
i'll be able to do it
all i know
is the fire won't
burn my memories.
--------
make it less terrible, please. |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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oh my god *breaks down* its absolutley wonderful truely it is I love it. The words you use are perfect the set the scene in my mind to perfection. Its so strange you describe exactly how I feel the person I see in the photographs. I don't know what to change to be honest I mean of course there's always something to change but I don't see what sorry.
love wu! |
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Emma
the wee dafty
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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Nice poem. I liked it, of course I would. I dont think there is any crit apart from.
When writing a poem, each line must start with a Capital letter. Thats all. |
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Firestarter
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys.
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| When writing a poem, each line must start with a Capital letter. Thats all. |
Where's that from?
The Rulebook for all Poetry? I must have missed that one...... |
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and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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convintojm
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 11:06 pm Post subject: |
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| while i liked it the burning of memories as i'm sure you know is a touch overdone. i think it's expressed well and i like the twist at the end. I don't really have any suggestions of improvments because my only probelm is the topic really. |
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Meshugenah
kicking plot into submission
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| Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 12:56 am Post subject: |
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mkay.. let me see
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stood by the fireplace
the letters
the messages
the pictures
the hope
all of the love
grasped in my hands,
waiting to be burnt. |
I like this.. but just starting on stood... I can see why you did that, but it would clearer if you said "I", even though you start the next stanza with I.
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i falter
that dead end
refusing to let go
refusing to give up
the chance
of us. |
the first line seems akward with the rest of the stanza. Love the rest.
| Quote: |
your dark eyes
stare at me
from the reaches
of a battered photo.
the smell
of a pressed flower.
i'll never forget
that touch |
oh, nice. Just the last line doesn't make as much sense as it could in context, but i think it works.
| Quote: |
giving up
i throw them back
in the drawer
maybe tomorrow
i'll be able to do it
all i know
is the fire won't
burn my memories. |
"in the drawer" is akward, espically after "I throw them back", i would juggest rephrasing, or just moving the back to the next line. Good ending, "the fire won't/burn my memories". |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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| Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 1:17 am Post subject: |
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"stood by the fireplace
the letters
the messages
the pictures
the hope
all of the love
grasped in my hands,
waiting to be burnt. "
Ew. Just ew. You can surely do better than this.
"i falter
that dead end
refusing to let go
refusing to give up
the chance
of us. "
Not as bad as before, but still cheesy and overtly romantic.
"your dark eyes
stare at me
from the reaches
of a battered photo.
the smell
of a pressed flower.
i'll never forget
that touch"
Excellent. Images of things associated with romance make the poem much more seductive than outright proclamations of love.
"giving up
i throw them back
in the drawer
maybe tomorrow
i'll be able to do it
all i know
is the fire won't
burn my memories. "
Good, not as bad as the first two, but definitely predictable. While it would alter the overall meaning of the poem, I think "burn in my memories" is better. You can see what you think. If I were grading this piece, I'd give it a B, not average but not great, either. |
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Beware
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| Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 11:51 am Post subject: |
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I agree that the first stanza could do with an 'I' to start it off and I do personally prefer it when each line begins with a capital letter, but on the whole I think this poem definitely has a lot of potential.
The repetition in the first stanza really gives it rhythm and (for me at least) a feeling of the act being dragged out and postponed.
The last stanza just doesn't feel right to me, though it's difficult to pinpoint a particular reason. The flow of the poem suddenly seems to falter, though I love the image of burning memories. |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
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| Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks all for comments, I'll take a look at it soon. |
_________________
and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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