Topic ID: 11220
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RoxanneR
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 162 Reviews: 90
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 7:25 pm Post subject: Tresbourn Island (Working Title) |
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Prologue:
She stood, motionless, in the large, arched window of the old stone castle. She looked like she was alone, but on closer inspection; a young man was cowering in the shadows. She spoke, breaking the empty silence;
“It happens every time I send you out. You fail me,” she sighed dramatically.
“I’m sorry, General,” whimpered the man, coming into the light of the full moon.
“It’s not just a case of saying sorry and it all being over and done with. I must find him.” She yelled, throwing a blue and white vase across the room. The man ducked and the vase hit the wall above his head. Moments earlier, it had been priceless. She was calmer now.
"Where have you been looking for him?” she asked.
“All over your island, my lady. But there is no sign of him,” the man replied.
She walked to the glassless window and said, her voice dripping with deadly poison,
“Of course, you never thought to look on his island, did you?”
“He has an island? Where is it?” The man asked, genuine confusion in his voice.
“Right next to my island, you moron! Honestly, go and look out the window!”
The man rushed to the arch, not wanting to upset the woman further.
“Well, now that you have some sense drilled into that puny brain, you can continue your search, can’t you?” the woman whispered
“But my lady…” the man hesitated to ask the question that he had been dreading the whole evening.
“Can’t you?” the woman repeated, harder this time, and the man ran down the stairs, a faint,
“Yes, my lady,” echoing up the winding stairs.
The woman smiled; she had him now. |
Last edited by RoxanneR on Tue Nov 07, 2006 4:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Hunter
Dono-Tello Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 23 Dec 2004 Posts: 3249 Reviews: 502 Country: Somewhere between the second and third circle of hell, I'm sure. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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It looks like you've copied and pasted this right out of word or works. There is nothing wrong with that, of course. However, your indentations, for whatever reason, don't register when you post it. So right now it looks like one big, huge, gob of words. To make it easier to read, I suggest double spacing the paragrpahs, like so:
| Quote: |
She stood, motionless, in the large, arched window of the old stone castle. She looked like she was alone, but on closer inspection; a young man was cowering in the shadows. She spoke, breaking the empty silence; "It happens every time I send you out. You fail me,” she sighed dramatically.
“I’m sorry, General,” whimpered the man,
coming into the light of the full moon.
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etc.
That said, I found this (rather short) piece amusing. It reminds me of one of my stories, actrually. The incompetent subordinate, the raging Superior...it's all very fun.
Have you more? |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8437 Reviews: 2105 Country: USA 546 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:26 pm Post subject: |
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First of all, the grammar is kind of weird. If you have a cool English teacher, you might want to ask about using punctuation, where to put periods, and everything of that sort. I'm sure that your teacher will be thrilled with your questions. Also, there might be others who help you here, but I don't want to get bogged down with the grammar aspect, okay?
I find this an interesting story. There's a female general (you don't see those everyday!) and her presence on the man is pretty cool, at least to my feminist mind. The main thing to work on, besides the grammar, is work on describing. You're describing in between the dialogue, which is really good, but I think you can get away with describing a little bit more. So instead of describing the way they say their words, you can say how they're moving, what they're looking at, etc.
Hope that helps!  |
_________________ Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way!
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh |
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Trident
Take a break from all your worries. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 08 Sep 2006 Posts: 974 Reviews: 260 Country: U.S. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, I would cut down on the "he replied", "she sighed". Most of the time this isn't even necessary because the words themselves describe how they say them.
The story is interesting. There's not much to go on, but it's a prologue, so that is natural. |
_________________ Perception is everything. |
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rosethorn
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 18 Sep 2006 Posts: 189 Reviews: 90 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:58 pm Post subject: Memory |
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It's a really nice start! Way to draw people in!
The general being a woman is really nice because it's not what people would generally expect. I'm glad that you don't mention the specifics on who she is looking for. It keeps the reader hooked.
I agree with Snoink. More description would do it well. I, myself, love to know a little bit about what the character looks like. Even just something like age or body type gives some great visuals, without being too controling as far as imagination goes. Unless it's absolutely nessesary to keep your characters in the dark as far as that goes, I'd give them a little description. (However, finding the right place to put that description can be challenging.)
As always,
POKE |
Last edited by rosethorn on Tue Nov 07, 2006 5:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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RoxanneR
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 162 Reviews: 90
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Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 11:20 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for all those comments, guys. I did just paste it out of word (I couldn't be bothered to type it all out again!)
I always think it's a bit sexist that all the Generals are males, so i thought it would be an interesting twist to add a female General.
I have more of this story coming, but i'm still editing it so it will be up in the next few days. I have lots of other stuff as well so keep watching!
Thanks for looking!
RR* |
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Soldier boy jack
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 06 Nov 2006 Posts: 40 Reviews: 33
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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| hi this is actually my story and my dream the person who uploaded it is helping me make it a good story (just so you know) |
_________________ i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care! |
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drunky_punky
Novice

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 08 Nov 2006 Posts: 10 Reviews: 5
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Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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| hmmm it's nice but your grammars very odd please post more!! |
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Soldier boy jack
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 06 Nov 2006 Posts: 40 Reviews: 33
300 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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| hi its a good story line (i say that because we both came up with it) but you really need to work on your grammar but other than that its a great start to something good (love Jack) |
_________________ i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care! |
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Soldier boy jack
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 06 Nov 2006 Posts: 40 Reviews: 33
300 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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| what more can i say i dreamed it i made it into a script then you came and made it a whole lot better thanks so much i owe alot to you roxanner |
_________________ i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care! |
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miyaviloves
Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 05 Oct 2006 Posts: 621 Reviews: 455 Country: England 330 Points
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Well i wanna read more! It seems to be the beginning of a very interesting story. Post more! |
_________________ Je crains que pour tout ça tu doives entendre je t'aime. |
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Soldier boy jack
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 06 Nov 2006 Posts: 40 Reviews: 33
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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| don't worry the story will be update very shortly as we are both working on it as we speak |
_________________ i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care! |
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RoxanneR
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 162 Reviews: 90
300 Points
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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The woman's character and the other main boy (who hasn't yet been introduced) are both based on us, but it has been hard to add more charactoristics so that they are not reconisable as us.
But don't worry, more will be up by, at the latest, the end of November.
But we'll keep you on tenterhooks for a while *Laughs evily!*
RR* |
_________________ Want a faithful critique? PM me!
Luv RR* |
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Sureal
(i are RITER!!!) Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 3098 Reviews: 452 Country: England 344 Points
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Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 12:58 am Post subject: |
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There's an overuse of words such as 'said' - apart from the first two times (to set down who is speaking), these aren't needed unless you want to convey a change in the way the person is speaking (eg. they start shouting).
Could probably also do with some more description. Although, as a prologue, you may be leaving that out on purpose.
One line I really liked: 'she sighed dramatically'. I don't know, but it really rings with me .
Keep on writing . |
_________________ Started the first draft of The Broken on the 7th September, 2008.
Chapter One // Chapter Two
4,300 words down, only 95,700 to go! |
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RoxanneR
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 162 Reviews: 90
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 11:17 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for that, Sureal. Yeh, we don't want to give too much away, considering it is just the prologue, but if you think it needs more description...
RR* |
_________________ Want a faithful critique? PM me!
Luv RR* |
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