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This thread was created on January 30, 2005
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2:04
Topic ID: 1105
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VariousUndine
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 23 Jan 2005
Posts: 26
Reviews: 8
Country: GGUSD
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 9:05 am Post subject: 2:04 |
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It was supposed to be
a picture in the sunset
two hands in public
laughter and silence
hushed voices in
the dark at
nowhere o'clock
you did not want
this bed this light
here in this
anonymous hotel
room at 2 oh 4
in the afternoon
with five minutes
left and that distance
on the sheets
but where you wanted
love you got instead
something easier
where you wanted
warmth you received
damp dark heat
you needed beauty
you got truth instead
you wanted me
and this is
what you get. |
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"I know it's not a party if it happens every night/ pretending there's glamour and candlelabra when you're drinking by candlelight/ What does it take to get a drink in this place?"~ The Postal Service, "This Place Is A Prison" |
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electricbluemonkey
Midnight Toker
Moderator
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 16 Nov 2004
Posts: 2694
Reviews: 418
Country: San Diego, CA
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 1:22 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it, it was very, very deep and the description was great. I could see what was happening. I loved how you turned such a simple thing into a great poem, keep writing! |
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Gotta a find a woman be good to me,
Who won't hide my liquor, try to serve me tea. |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
Site Admin
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Nov 2004
Posts: 6290
Reviews: 986
Country: Albion
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow. That was misleadingly good. At first I began reading and thought it was nothing new, but then I got into it and read a few more times and realised it was actually really good. Some of the lines are very good and the run on lines give a good rhythm and pace. |
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and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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hekategirl
An Angel with an Edge
Master of the Forum
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Age: 14
Joined: 03 Feb 2005
Posts: 1453
Reviews: 323
Country: An Alleyway North of Sanity
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 7:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Very beutiful. It flowed very nicely. The subject was a little confusing but I still unterstood it. |
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Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el
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| This thread was created on January 30, 2005 |
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