Topic ID: 1090
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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 Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 1:54 pm Post subject: [Erode me] |
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You've become my new obsession
My part time fantasy
In every dream my hands around your neck
The knife embedded in my back
The acid tears of denial dissolving my face
You will erode me with your lies
The mark of love upon my coffin
The spider web of mistakes
Draped over my head stone
Let this pain in my cold empty heart
Subside like the nights tide
Our stars fading with every second
Life has become a cliché
A fight to be loved by the perfect
Looks like I didn't fit in to that category
Tonight is my last, my final hope
God only knows the prayers
I've screamed out to the empty nights
I'll go I'll leave
Standing out side the window looking in
Longing to be on the other side
I just wanted forgiveness, redemption.
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Ok really not very sure on this one needs ALOT or work so pelase tell me what you think!
Wu x |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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This is unimpressive. I've come to expect more from you. Some of your lines (i.e. "cold empty heart") dissolve into cold empty triteness.
Of course, it could be a sense of irony. Albeit, a very condescending sense of irony that I don't like. This wasn't very original, even with the theme, as most of your others are. You had no resounding images and no grave edicts of personality. This will not make my Top 25. |
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Brian
Number Two
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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I think that this poem is very cliche and relies too much on stock phrases. For instance, I've read the sixth stanza in so many variations before that it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
However, I do like how you open this. At first I thought, "Oh, a love poem," but then you gave me that fourth line and it shocked me. Well done on that score.
All in all, this really is not a bad poem, it's certainly better than most of the stuff I read, but you're relying too much on material that's already been used before. |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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After re-deading I agree it seems to be very forced on my part the start I like then it becomes all to clicheeee ay hoo I'm giving writing a brake for now!
muchous love wu |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 7:58 am Post subject: |
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I'll go I'll leave
Standing out side the window looking in
Longing to be on the other side |
This was the most--if not the only enjoyable part of the whole poem.
The rest, I'm sorry, but it's hollering cliche. Everything in it almost, I've seen in so many variations, like Brian said.
However, with some major adjustments, it won't be cliche anymore. |
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electricbluemonkey
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 1:24 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, I agree, a big cliche.
Some parts I liked, the rest was...okay, but a bit of the poem was just "ugh". It didn't really make much sense to me, and was just a variation of sayings and phrases that didn't stick to an original title. |
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Wulie
The death of poerty, remains to be unleashed
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Dec 2004
Posts: 287
Reviews: 137
Country: Far, far from reality where tears don't form.
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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lol I feel I may just write this poem off as one of those poems never to be seen again  ! |
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