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The Elephant Boy {seventeen}
The Elephant Boy {seventeen}
by Kylan in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on October 4, 2006
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dno

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hugh123   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 7:19 pm    Post subject: dno Reply with quote

Ali Williams jumped down from the wall, in the process knocking his bag of the wall.

We swept a blond lock of hair from his brown skin. Ali was 5ft 8 and was 14, he lived in East Suseex in a quiet town named Battle, near hastings.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
"Houston, we have a problem."

That problem is that this isn't really anything. It's three sentences that say 'a boy jumped off a wall', effectively.

There really isn't any point in posting this. There's nothing to be done with it here.

And your spelling and grammar are horrible.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I think you might want to put this in the storybook section. That's where the RPG's (stories that can be added on to by other people) go. ^_^

Storybook section

And if this your excerpt of your story, this isn't enough to critique, if you know what I mean. Wink Look around the forums and try to find a sample story to see what an appropriate length is. Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
i agree with the other commenters, but i think that you really need to write more on this story. But aways remember never let anyone put you down on your storys (love Jack)

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Yeh, you definitly need to add more for people to give you more constructive criticism. But it sounds good for a begining.

RR*

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This thread was created on October 4, 2006

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