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This thread was created on September 11, 2006
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impression
Topic ID: 10114
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Chanson
the milky bars are on me Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 03 Mar 2005 Posts: 304 Reviews: 82 Country: dublin, ireland 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 4:06 pm Post subject: impression |
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We lay back on the cold sand,
The better to watch the night.
The two of us, spread eagled
Left over laughter still escaping in blows,
Trying to catch our breath.
Breathing to the rythym
Of the crashing waves and silence
But for the water's whispers.
Then your voice, low and soft:
"All those stars are dead, you know.
Their light is just a reflection, an imprint
On a black, blank canvas."
Old information, maybe, but you made it
Sound like magic, and I was entranced.
I turned my head to look at you.
You reached out, pressed your fingertips
Against the traintracks of blue veins on my wrist.
I feel you even now.
Your fingerprints stick to my skin,
The impression lingering on
Long after you have gone. |
_________________ "I fail to see how my family is of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine." - Withnail
Last edited by Chanson on Thu Sep 14, 2006 8:50 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Chandni
Peace, Love and Magic. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 30 Nov 2005 Posts: 429 Reviews: 176 Country: Netherlands Antilles 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, I really liked this Just one quick note :
Breathing to the rythym
Of the crashing waves and silence
But for the water's whispers.
Then your voice, low and soft
"All those stars are dead, you know.
Their light is just a reflection, an imprint
On a black, blank canvas."
try to make it erhhmm "clear" that ur moving on to the second person's voice, I had to read it over
that's all otherwise I loved it  |
_________________ I will sing it to the sky,
there's a risk it won't reply
if I could change it then I would,
I won't screw it up this time.
-Maps |
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Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain... Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 20 Apr 2006 Posts: 2430 Reviews: 394 Country: Neck deep in a novel 334 Points
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Posted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 6:53 pm Post subject: |
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I loved it! You have a lot of talent Chanson. I couldn't find anything other than what was said before. Keep writing!
Wiggy  |
_________________ "Best friends are the siblings that God forgot to give us."
-Anonymous
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| This thread was created on September 11, 2006 |
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Bartemius says, Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think. - Niels Bohr
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