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by lukas8u in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on September 11, 2006
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impression

Topic ID: 10114
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Chanson   View This User's Portfolio
the milky bars are on me
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 4:06 pm    Post subject: impression Reply with quote

We lay back on the cold sand,

The better to watch the night.

The two of us, spread eagled

Left over laughter still escaping in blows,

Trying to catch our breath.



Breathing to the rythym

Of the crashing waves and silence

But for the water's whispers.

Then your voice, low and soft:

"All those stars are dead, you know.

Their light is just a reflection, an imprint

On a black, blank canvas."



Old information, maybe, but you made it

Sound like magic, and I was entranced.

I turned my head to look at you.

You reached out, pressed your fingertips

Against the traintracks of blue veins on my wrist.



I feel you even now.

Your fingerprints stick to my skin,

The impression lingering on

Long after you have gone.

_________________
"I fail to see how my family is of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine." - Withnail


Last edited by Chanson on Thu Sep 14, 2006 8:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Chandni   View This User's Portfolio
Peace, Love and Magic.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2006 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I really liked this Smile Just one quick note :

Breathing to the rythym
Of the crashing waves and silence
But for the water's whispers.
Then your voice, low and soft
"All those stars are dead, you know.
Their light is just a reflection, an imprint
On a black, blank canvas."

try to make it erhhmm "clear" that ur moving on to the second person's voice, I had to read it over Wink

that's all otherwise I loved it Wink

_________________
I will sing it to the sky,
there's a risk it won't reply
if I could change it then I would,
I won't screw it up this time.

-Maps
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Wiggy   View This User's Portfolio
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it! You have a lot of talent Chanson. I couldn't find anything other than what was said before. Keep writing!

Wiggy Wink

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This thread was created on September 11, 2006

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