Topic ID: 10044
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Vampirewolf3
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 Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 12:16 am Post subject: |
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| Please accept my dearest apologies from the deepest of my heart...if it hasn't already been removed through surgical means and that I am currently living in a mirage. |
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Lycanstyle01
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| Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 12:25 am Post subject: |
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| This was an extremely good story. The best part of it was the descriptions of Sarah's "good luck". You were creative with some of them. |
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Vampirewolf3
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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| OK. Just one more thing. I like how the story is developed, but try putting more emphasis on Sarah's child-ish-ness. |
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Sureal
(i are RITER!!!)
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks muchy to everyone who reviewed this. I'm now off to revise it  .
And Snoink... that has got to be one of the... imaginative... crits I have ever recieved (in a good way, of course) XD.
Also, Torchwood totally ripped off my story. Evil fairies protecting a little girl from school bullies and a paedophile. |
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Sureal
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Trident
The Tattered Scribe is in us all.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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All right Sureal, you've been busy giving crits to others, so I thought it was time you were rewarded with one yourself. 
I was very impressed. Your dialgoue was good, although some of the cutesy stuff that Sarah says gets a tad annoying. But she's a young girl, so that doesn't matter a whole lot.
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| Now there was proper light to see by, Sarah saw that the man had bronze skin, a long mane of dark hair and was garbed simply in a white robe. But his most striking feature was the two large wings protruding from his back. They lay limply on the floor and at an odd angle. Although the feathers were white, they were stained a dark red in places. |
Well... the structure of this can be altered so it doesn't sound so amateurish. Sorry to use that word, but I believe the description was done that way. Plus, you already say that she sees the wings, so you don't need re-emphasize that she saw them again. So basically you could get rid of that sentence that starts "But his most striking feature..." and start with the next sentence.
I found the transitions between her ages well done. Perhaps Snoink had something to do with that. 
The fact that the angel was not necessarily a good one was brilliant. Without it, I believe this story would be fluff, but the way you have it is a different concept that makes the reader re-evaluate his conceptions. Any author that can do that has my respect.
Well done, Sureal. And I don't mind the open ending. A lot of authors use this. Perhaps you will send this into for publication after revision? |
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Sureal
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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Thank's for the crit .
I agree with you on the description, and will try to improve that in the next revision  . |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 12:59 am Post subject: |
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Hmmm...
Don't start with her in bed Start with her about to go to bed or something. That way, we get a better picture of who she is.
Don't rely on those types of transitions. Transitions can make or break a story, and by relying on these sorts of transitions on such a gentle story (an action story can possibly use this) you kill it.
Try ending when her mummy says goodnight to her. Maybe she can murmur to herself or something, like "Good night, Asael." Or something! You don't need to end it at what you have at the end. You already have the contrast of her mom not believing, and you can probably hint that, perhaps Sarah will follow the footsteps of her mother. Maybe she squints off into the darkness? I don't know... you'll have to play with it.
Right now, I think the first draft was better, but the second draft is more... well... cleaner. Like, sometimes you write something so clumsily that you don't see what the problems are until you do something to it and then it becomes apparent what the mistakes are. So yeah. Clean it up a bit and it will be awesome. |
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photoboothx<3
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| Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 2:20 am Post subject: |
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| it was interesting, kind of a dreamy feeling to it. i liked it |
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Vampirewolf3
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 3:03 am Post subject: |
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Holy cow. That is by far the best story I have ever read. However, the reader needs to feel like everything is more of a coincidence. The plot is good too.
Keep writing! |
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Epic Fail! You lose 100 Roguishness. A loser is you!
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