Topic ID: 10033
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Chandni
Peace, Love and Magic.
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 Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 1:16 am Post subject: Crescendo |
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I touch, I feel
the adrenaline through
my fingers
Every press, every skip,
every step
on the pedal
I dance, I twinkle
my body warmth
creates;
In my soul,
an eighth note floating
throughout
the veins of
my“Octave Heart” |
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I will sing it to the sky,
there's a risk it won't reply
if I could change it then I would,
I won't screw it up this time.
-Maps
Last edited by Chandni on Wed Aug 29, 2007 2:38 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 3:04 am Post subject: |
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Ooh.
I like this.
I don't having anything all that constructive to say, I'm afraid... there's really nothing I think could be improved. This is a really powerful poem, I can tell you are passionate about music.
Nice work on this!!!  |
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niteowl
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| Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 11:49 pm Post subject: |
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I like it, but the flow's a bit choppy in some places. The first three lines don't flow smoothly, making it harder to get into the poem. The semicolon after "creates" is also distracting, as are the quotes around the last line.
"In my heart, in my soul" This sounds a bit cliche.
"An eight note floating" Did you mean eighth note?
I like the wording, just re-organize the lines a bit. Good job!  |
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Chandni
Peace, Love and Magic.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Nov 2005
Posts: 429
Reviews: 176
Country: Netherlands Antilles
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:50 am Post subject: |
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thnx for the crit niteowl  I changed "In my heart, In my soul" it does sound rather odd after I repeat "Octave Heart" at the end thnx for the notice really did come in handy |
_________________
I will sing it to the sky,
there's a risk it won't reply
if I could change it then I would,
I won't screw it up this time.
-Maps |
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