Topic ID: 10008
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Samuel Garrison
God Save the King!
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1655
Reviews: 297
Country: Native Vermonter.
384 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 1:48 am Post subject: Looking for opinions |
 |
|
Howdy, all!
Well, I haven't written in my novel, Bound for Glory: Our Brethren, for about three weeks; a small vacation if you will. So, I was looking over chapter three, and this paragraph caught my attention. I'm curious as to what everyone thinks about it - image wise, and well, if there's grammar mistakes feel free to point out those too. 
But really, I'm more along the lines wondering what these few paragraphs do to you. What image was created, if any? And if you 'saw' something, anything, what did you see?
The answers might help me to determine if the paragraphs are decent or if I need to alter words or sentences because really my goal was to suck the reader in by showing them something terriable.
Here it is:
| Quote: |
"Weren't you afraid of being tried?" I asked uncertainly.
"Frightened is the word," father muttered. "Anything could have happened, depending on who was to lead the trial. The very least, my fate would more than likely have been stripped of my uniform and discharged, but certainly imprisonment was not out of question either. Whilst in the war, my ears heard the horrendous stories of the prison ships from my comrades. The stories were told by skilled storytellers, who could wield webs of painted portraits in our memory, as we sat around in a circle, listening. Whether it be propaganda or truth, the crackling flames illuminated fright in its purest form with the darting of the storyteller's pupils and grief-stricken expressions, as each of their hushed voices took turns. One such story described loathsome dungeons. Good, honest people were denied the light and air of Heaven. Scantily fed on poor, putrid, and sometimes uncooked food; obliged to endure companionship of the most abandoned, and those ill with infectious disease, worn out by groans and complaints of their suffering fellows, men would supposedly endure the ultimate sacrifice for treason, and being prisoners of war."
I watched Father clutch his shoulders tightly, and shivered. Afterwards, he crossed his arms against his stomach, glaring intently in my direction. I said nothing, and I was amazed mum hadn't either. Instead, I mimicked Father, in hopes that the mild pressure against my chest, would shield me from my own picture starting to emerge.
After a few seconds, Father unbuttoned his black waistcoat, slipped his arms out, and dropped it by his left foot. Beads of sweat had formed by his thick brows, and he immediately reached, and wiped them away.
"I believed I had a minor charge brought against me, but the absolute fear of sitting below the bowls of a ship, in the darkness, sitting among disease, starvation, and filth; it would have been a glorious hell, and death in that situation would be a blessing," he continued. "If such prisons existed or they still dwell, may the Lord protect His children in their darkest hour of need."
He gulped, and then swallowed. Thanks to him, the image fully presented itself now. I pictured fifty men below a ship, their heads jerking from one side to the next, with the rhythm of the waves. I saw pale, ghostly white faces. The men in my mind were frail, and bones protruded from under their flesh by their ribcages and jowls. As the image became more realistic, I hunched over, cupping my mouth, and heaved some salvia. I imagined all fifty gnarled fingers were pointing, as I stood watching the half-circle of men. Flies buzzed about, and some covered portions of the prisoner's face as well as the deceased.
A tiny weight was perched on my right shoulder. I rubbed my eyes, and wiped away globs of salvia from the corners of my lips. Afterwards, I swallowed also, attempting to force the image away.
|
Thank you for your time.
fishr |
_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.
230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007
Last edited by Samuel Garrison on Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:40 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Poor Imp
imp forgets what was writ
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 3794
Reviews: 420
Country: the roof
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 7:38 pm Post subject: Re: Looking for opinions |
|
|
Brief grammar remarks first...
| fishr wrote: |
"Weren't you afraid of being tried?" I asked uncertainly.
"Frightened is the word," father muttered. "Anything could have happened, depending on who was to lead the trial. The very least, my fate would more than likely have been stripped of my uniform and discharged, but certainly imprisonment was not out of question either. Whilst in the war, my ears heard the horrendous stories of the prison ships from my comrades. The stories were told by skilled storytellers, whom could wield webs of painted portraits in our memory, as we sat around in a circle, listening. |
Either - "...some of whom..." or "who could wield webs of painted portraits..." Not direct object as it is.
| Quote: |
| After a few seconds, father unbuttoned his black waistcoat, slipped his arms out, and dropped it by his left foot. Beads of sweat had formed by his thick brows, and father immediately reached, and wiped them away. |
"Father" repeated is redundant, as the previous sentences points out who it is performing the action. Leave it 'he', then?
| Quote: |
| "I believed I had a minor charge brought against me, but the absolute fear of sitting below the bowls of a ship, in the darkness, sitting among disease, starvation, and filth; it would have been a glorious hell, and death in that situation would be a blessing," he continued. "If such prisons existed or they still dwell, may the Lord protect His children in their darkest hour of need." |
Typo - 'bowels'?
| Quote: |
| He gulped, and then swallowed. Thanks to father, the image fully presented itself now. I pictured fifty men below a ship, their heads jerking from one side to the next, with the rhythm of the waves. I saw pale, ghostly white faces. The men in my mind were frail, and bones protruded from under their flesh by their ribcages and jowls. As the image became more realistic, I hunched over, cupping my mouth, and heaved some salvia. I imagined all fifty gnarled fingers were pointing, as I stood watching the half-circle of men. Flies buzzed about, and some covered portions of the prisoner's face as well as the deceased. |
First italicised -- "father" again when the sentence preceding uses 'he'. It tends to throw-off the flow, as if the reader's being prodded: 'look, it's father.' It would remain as clear, if not clearer, I think, if you leave it on the pronoun.
Second -- confused me? Heaved some...saliva? 0o'
| Quote: |
| A tiny weight was perched on my right shoulder. I rubbed my eyes, and wiped away globs of salvia from the corners of my lips. Afterwards, I swallowed also, attempting to force the image away. |
What's the weight...? Typo - saliva, again?
As to the image, I think the father's narrative is woven amazingly well between son's reaction. I can see it well enough; and both characters outward action/aspect is vivid and apt.
| Quote: |
| Instead, I mimicked father, in hopes that the mild pressure against my chest, would shield me from my own picture starting to emerge. |
This struck me especially as deft, contrast between - reflecting back to the father's manner. ^_^ And I enjoyed the entire scene, engaging, tension tangible.
...Hope that's somewhat helpful. |
_________________
'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche |
|
| Back to top |
|
Samuel Garrison
God Save the King!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1655
Reviews: 297
Country: Native Vermonter.
384 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 10:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, I suck with grammar, LOL! No, really, thank you Imp for correcting my mistakes. I knew their had to be several but I just couldn't find them.
I'm pleased too that I accomplished my goal.
| Quote: |
Quote:
A tiny weight was perched on my right shoulder. I rubbed my eyes, and wiped away globs of salvia from the corners of my lips. Afterwards, I swallowed also, attempting to force the image away.
What's the weight...? Typo - saliva, again? |
Well... that's my fault because I had decided not to add the other paragraph but here you go, Imp:
| Quote: |
A tiny weight was perched on my right shoulder. I rubbed my eyes, and wiped away globs of salvia from the corners of my lips. Afterwards, I swallowed also, attempting to force the image away.
"Samuel? What is it?" mum asked with concern. Her hand remained, and I swallowed again.
"When Father described prison ships, an unpleasant imaged appeared," I remarked honestly.
"Shall I halt for now?" father said. "If revealing portions of my past is too unsettling, perhaps another time."
|
Does that clear up the 'weight' question? Although it might not because the excerpts I quote are in the middle of the scene. And I'm fixing all the mistakes right now. 
EDIT:
| Quote: |
| Second -- confused me? Heaved some...saliva? |
Well, heaving, in the manner I'm using it - to vomit; throw up. Is it possible to heave saliva? I thought it was, like if you cough hard enough, drips of it could seep out your mouth? |
_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.
230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Cassandra
Procrastinator Extrordinare
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Apr 2006
Posts: 1420
Reviews: 161
Country: Los Estados Unidos
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 10:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| As to the image, I think the father's narrative is woven amazingly well between son's reaction. I can see it well enough; and both characters outward action/aspect is vivid and apt. |
^ Well said.  This is not just a big blurb of thought, nor is it a lump of action. Both are woven together very well, which made it interesting.
Just one grammatical note:
| Quote: |
| Instead, I mimicked father, in hopes that the mild pressure against my chest, would shield me from my own picture starting to emerge. |
^ Father should be capitalized here. There are a few other places in this piece where "father" should be capitalized as well, but I'm sure you can find them.
This really held my attention. Nice work. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Samuel Garrison
God Save the King!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1655
Reviews: 297
Country: Native Vermonter.
384 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 04, 2006 10:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Whoops, lol. Grammar is indeed my biggest flaw.
And thank you, Cassandra! That makes me feel pretty good. I'm so glad I actually accomplished something decent, LOL! |
_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.
230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Poor Imp
imp forgets what was writ
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 3794
Reviews: 420
Country: the roof
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ah...heaved as in vomit - makes a bit more sense. ^_^ I just haven't ever seen it used in connection with merely spit/saliva; maybe because it sounded stronger than what 'saliva' usually connotes.
And the bit with the mother definitely clarifies 'the weight'. |
_________________
'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche |
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8728
Reviews: 2140
Country: USA
2134 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
Just remember! Titles are capitalized.
If I talk about my dad, then I'm not using a title at all. He is my dad. Now, if I talk about Dad, I have to capitalize it so that you know that I am speaking of him as a title. He is not your dad, he is my dad. He is Dad. Or Daddy... whatever.
And if I talk about my mom, or my mum, whatever, then I am talking about Mom. Yes... I gave her a title, so therefore I will capitalize that!
...me? Nit-pickish? Never! |
_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Samuel Garrison
God Save the King!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1655
Reviews: 297
Country: Native Vermonter.
384 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:08 am Post subject: |
|
|
I'll try and watch the titles, thank you. It's just grammar has always been my greatest flaw and I can never get a grip on it.
Perhaps someday...
So, I haven't correct the errors in the samples posted yet, just the story itself, but what do you think of the paragraphs, Snoink? What is your opinions on them? |
_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.
230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8728
Reviews: 2140
Country: USA
2134 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Hahaha... you know me. Anything that has something to do with torture and violence has me happy. If I didn't comment on it, most likely, I liked it! |
_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Myth
.: #_O :.
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 74
Joined: 23 Dec 2005
Posts: 3115
Reviews: 820
Country: Down a rabbit hole?
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
| That's erm.. pretty gruesome. I can almost picture it. If you wanted the reader to have their own 'image' of what was described by Welcome you succeeded. |
_________________
.: ₪ :.
'...' |
|
| Back to top |
|
Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 2430
Reviews: 394
Country: Neck deep in a novel
334 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Very good fishr! The description was fantastic, but I think you almost overdescribed, especially in the first paragraph, with Welcome. It sounds like half narrative/half dialogue to me. Maybe take out just a few of the description words. Like instead of saying "Scantily clad....etc.," you could say, "We were barely clothed, and our aching bodies couldn't stand the cold." or something like that. Sorry, I gotta go, or I'd give a more in depth crit. |
_________________
"Best friends are the siblings that God forgot to give us."
-Anonymous
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Samuel Garrison
God Save the King!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1655
Reviews: 297
Country: Native Vermonter.
384 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 2:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Snoink - LOL! Yes, I'm the same way when I'm reading. If gore, violence or some sort of acute conflict isn't present, I'm hardpressed to entertain. I don't do well with romance novels, lol.
Myth - Yes, the prison 'ships', most notably - The Jersey - were as Welcome described, "A glorious hell." While these people were near death, instead of shooting the prisoners to end suffering, they were left sprawled out until they died on their own. Sometimes bodies would be left below for days at a time before a British soldier went down to check on the inmates and 'the death count.'
So, I'm happy I brought life to an event that happened in the Revolutionary days, which is why I had to be really careful when describing the 'ships' because history doesn't know about them until much further in time. I tried treating it as a 'myth' or a 'mystery' through the characters. I hope I succeeded on that much too.
Thank you for you comments Myth. It gives me nice insight.
Wiggy - First, I always get a kick out of your avatar, lol. It's great. Second, thank you as well for the comment. As for the first paragraph, I don't know, but I like the choice of words and the way it's at (for lack of a better word) for now. I'll file your suggestion in my mind for later use. |
_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.
230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 20 Apr 2006
Posts: 2430
Reviews: 394
Country: Neck deep in a novel
334 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 12:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
Cool.
I like your avvie too! I had to choose this one for myself though because it's definitely me. Random, out of it, and happy. XD |
_________________
"Best friends are the siblings that God forgot to give us."
-Anonymous
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
