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by carolinewashere in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on April 28, 2005
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Napoleonic Fiction 8 (someone read it for once...)

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 9:04 pm    Post subject: Napoleonic Fiction 8 (someone read it for once...) Reply with quote

Lieutenant-Colonel George Lake hurried his horse to and fro, impatient, feeling like a man restrained to sitting at the sidelines while glory and fame moved slowly away from him, and there was nothing he could do to prevent its escape. He tapped his hand in a random beat on his charger’s side. It was a massive horse, seventeen hands high, strong, proud, and it can run like a demon unleashed from hell. Before dawn he had given it a run, and the blood had pumped in his cheeks as it soared across the ground gracefully. He had named it Greyfell, taken from Norse mythology. It had fitted since its coat was that of deceivingly calm light grey.

But today wasn’t about horses. It was about beating the French, and from what Lake could see, he believed they were doing it the wrong way.

“We should attack, Edward! Attack, for god’s sake!” he had fumed to Major Way, his usual outlet of anger. “Move the battalion straight up the pass, smash into the French, catch them unawares, and give them a bloody nose!”

Major Way thought they were sitting nicely here, and had been depressed at the apparent needless deaths of so many men as they realigned themselves. He saw no need in losing more in a foolish charge. “I don’t think they’ll be unaware, sir,” Way replied, as tactfully as possible. He was riding Lake’s spare horse, Bashir, not as mighty as Greyfell, but impressive nonetheless.

“Nonsense!” replied Lake, using his favourite expression. Major Way, who had heard this countless times, rolled his eyes when the Colonel looked away. “They’ll be half-asleep after that little battle with us! We’ll run up there and give them hell, Edward!”

Lake’s enthusiasm wasn’t contagious, however, and the more cautious Major Way felt like telling the Colonel such a plan would only spell disaster for the battalion and it’s men. But in the same way, he was a meek man, submissive, and so just sat there and didn’t reply, and a silent battle of conscience was fought. There was only so far a Major could chide a Lieutenant-Colonel. Lake was going against orders to move up the passes, but that didn’t halt him. In truth the passes were more like gullies, narrow, steep channels dug into the ridge. They didn’t even look practical, thought Way. It was probable men would have to use their hands to assist them in climbing up. And when they got nearer and nearer the top, despite Lake’s claims, the muskets would be blasting death and pain constantly onto them.

Lake led Greyfell over to one of his aides, the young Lieutenant Bennett, who left to give the orders to the Captains. They were to march up the passes, as Lake called them, and engage with the enemy. Only half of the companies would implement the assault, the rest would be left in reserve half way up the tall ridge. Almost instantaneously the men began to move, still in column formation, shouldering their weapons and placing one boot after another forward. One boot closer to the summit of the ridge. One boot closer to the French. The light company were spread out in front, but realising the impossibility of skirmishing on such steep a ridge, it was decided they would be absence from the advance.

James was shaking again. “We’re attacking?” he had mouthed disbelievingly at Captain Featherstone, when the commands were passed through the companies. All he felt was utter incredulity, and fright, deeply rooted fright. It wouldn’t leave them; coming in physical form with the shaking of his hand, and his eyes must have showed it too, because they had begun to fill with water. He’d have to brave flying musket balls again.

The heat hadn’t yielded. If anything, it had increased, as the sun blazed almost directly above the troops. It was midday on the 17th August 1808, and the first British troops were climbing the ridge. They were sweating, they were tired and they were struggling. At first, the incline had been gentle, but after a while, it sharply went upwards, and the leading members of the column were being forced to half-go on their arms and knees. It wasn’t quick, and it only exhausted the men more. Some hurt their hands on the sharp ground, where the grass didn’t cover the dry ground, and only sharp, jagged rocks were to be found. The men were still wearing their heavy packs, which weighed them down further, and there were numerous occurrences of slipping and misplaced feet. But the column marched on regardless. James himself had just made it to the base of the steepness, and the end of his scabbard bounced annoyingly against the rocks, making his ascent even more difficult.

There was another problem though.

For all Lake’s promises, the French weren’t asleep. Instead, they were awake and waiting, and beginning to manoeuvre to combat this new attack. Swinging and wheeling round, the blue ranks high above the British, they began to point their muskets down into the gully. But luckily for the 29th, the deep sides of the gully prevented them from being targeted easily, and the French musketry was wild and badly aimed. It hit little and made no impression on the redcoats braving the awkward pass. Eventually the volleys became slow and lethargic and slowly rolled to a silent stop.

As they marched solemnly upwards, the beauty of the place became apparent. Around halfway up lay a pretty olive grove, basking in the lovely sunshine, their short wrinkled trunks and protuberant branches offering a little shade from the midday heat. The grass was longer too, sometimes half way up to a man’s knee, and it looked like a flowing sea of hair, waving slightly. Random adventitious rocks gave the gully and ridge a unique look, like small groups of coastal rocks standing out in the ocean. On any other day it would be a picturesque place for picnic or a morning walk.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2005 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BRAVO! I adore Napoleanic stuff and this is by far one of the best unpublished stories I have on the time period. Sorry I haven't reply to any of the other chapters, couldn't think of much to say.

a few things I found that might be of interest...


1. But today wasn’t about horses. It was about beating the French, and from what Lake could see, he believed they were doing it the wrong way. -- i love this line

2. he had fumed to Major Way, his usual outlet of anger. -- i think there is some verb confusion here with the had. is he fuming at Major Way or did he previously do it. I think taking the had out would make it better.

3. But in the same way, he was a meek man, -- the 'but in the same way' seems ackward, it think its the 'same'. you might want to try revising it somehow

4. The light company were spread out... -- i do believe there is more than one light company, so it should be light companies

5. It wouldn’t leave them; coming in physical form -- in this part of the story you go from talking about James (singular) to the plural, them. you need to explain that either 'it wouldn't leave him' or that 'they' felt fright. something like that.

6. 17th August 1808 -- i think there should be an 'of' between 17th and august and a comma before 1808 17th of August, 1808

7. manoeuvre -- i do believe is maneuver

8. Swinging and wheeling round, the blue ranks high above the British, they began to point their muskets down into the gully. -- very choppy sentance, doesn't sound quite right, maybe -- Swinging and wheeling around their blue ranks high above the British began to point their muskets down into the gully.

9. As they marched solemnly upwards -- you go from talking about the French firing to the British moving up the slope, you might want to specify on the 'they'. it's ambiguous here.

10. On any other day it would be a picturesque place for picnic or a morning walk. -- i really like how you juxtapose the suitation of the battle with the last paragraph ending with such a great line.

BRAVO again...I do hope to be reading more. Eh, I read it didn't I!

cheers CL

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, thanks!

I agree with most things you have noted except:

Quote:
4. The light company were spread out... -- i do believe there is more than one light company, so it should be light companies


It's only one battalion, so I think it's only one light company.

Quote:
7. manoeuvre -- i do believe is maneuver


I'm British, so it is manoeuvre for me.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't put the horse's name in italics...it's not a boat, for God's sake.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sry about the manuever thing, i got into a big discussion with my boyfriend on how to spell it, he's from Islington and he really sucks at spelling, so I didn't know.

oh its one battalion, yeah that part was a bit hazy.

cheers CL

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No problem.

Oh, and Sam, I like in italics for now Razz But thanks for the hard-thought out critique Razz

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 10:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Someone read it for once! Smile LOL I think you did a great job although I haven't read any of the other chapters. Maybe later...for now I'm just crit, or trying to, this story. I did like how you wrote it and your view on the subject. I think the horse's names should be in italics...just do for some reason. Smile Great work...can't wait to read more!

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 2:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

and it can run like a demon unleashed from hell -- I don't think "can" is the correct word here, if you change it to "could" then it reads better.

it soared across the ground gracefully -- No not soared, I thought of a bird flying around when I read this. How about using "galloped" instead?

such a plan would only spell disaster for the battalion and it’s men -- Incorrect: it's, correct: its.

It was probable men would have to use their hands to assist them in climbing up -- It was probable men who would have to use their hands to assist them in climbing.

The light company were spread out in front -- Is this just one group? If so then "were" should be replaced by "was".

The grass was longer too, sometimes half way up to a man’s knee, and it looked like a flowing sea of hair, waving slightly. -- I love this description, it's just the way I can imagine the grass.

I don't know where the rest of the story is but I'd like to read it as you have already introduced the characters and I have no idea who James is.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for reading. The rest of them are on like ... the back of the Other Fiction. Like page 18 or something lol. Posted them a long time ago. Just thought I'd move this one in here to give the Historical Fiction section something.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll be sure to check them out.
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is good, and i also like napoleonic's, my ADV World History class finished those a while ago, but they are really interesting

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 7:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is very interesting. I think Napoleanic Historical Fiction is an uncommon subject among younger writers, so it is impressive that you know enough about the Napoleanic times so write a convincing story. It grasped my attention, and the grammar is very good; I can't wait to read more.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I couldn't find anything wrong with it... That sounds slightly cynical. Very fascinating part of history. You might enjoy a book by George Orwell, I might have got his name wrong. But the author of A Clockwork Orange (a famous book you may have read) also wrote a very good Napoleonic novel.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 1:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good! Smile

The major things were that you skipped tenses here:

Firestarter wrote:
It was a massive horse, seventeen hands high, strong, proud, and it can run like a demon unleashed from hell.


And as has been said before:

Firestarter wrote:
Before dawn he had given it a run, and the blood had pumped in his cheeks as it soared across the ground gracefully.


"Soared" would be alright if the horse was jumping over something, but otherwise, it's odd word choice. And the bit about "blood pumping in his cheeks" seems... not right. I don't know, but I think you should take it out, or change it to something else. It gets in the way of the rest of the sentance.


Firestarter wrote:
“Move the battalion straight up the pass, smash into the French, catch them unawares, and give them a bloody nose!”


Would they have used the phrase "bloody nose" back then? I always associate with later periods of history, like Zulu War onwards, but I s'pose you know whether they did or not?

Anyways, this was good. Smile I ought to show it to my little brother as he's cracked on Napoleonics.

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