Topic ID: 6700
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Once Upon A Dream
Writer
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 79
Reviews: 40
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 9:40 pm Post subject: Nicolas's Whore |
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Fluorescent lit classroom
The dim, cheap light
Bouncing off the rug and walls
All the desks are packed away for the summer.
I followed you for a reason
And it’s not to help you look
Through piles of meaningless paper
Cobbling together a last minute assignment,
No, I have something more
Interesting in mind
I think you do too.
Do I distract you
Hiding in this small, partitioned corner
Where you can’t see me but can only hear
My taunting you carefully:
“You can’t see me”
Come get me,
“But I see you”
You know you want to.
Bodies pressed together
My back against the wall
Molded at the lips
An almost too perfect clandestine tryst
It isn’t the first.
Bright sun soaked concrete
Blinding and merciless
I can still feel where your lips
Met mine
A brand burnt with all the summer’s heat;
I lick my lips, trying to get it to fade
Because now I feel a little bit…dirty. |
Last edited by Once Upon A Dream on Mon Jan 09, 2006 8:47 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Snip Snip
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 14 Oct 2005
Posts: 97
Reviews: 56
Country: The dark place :K
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2006 3:00 am Post subject: |
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| I really like "The dim, cheap light" line. I think that's describing florescent light perfectly <3. |
_________________
so give me all your poison,
and give me all your pills,
if this is what you want then
FIRE AT WILL |
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Black
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 08 Jan 2006
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2006 5:37 am Post subject: |
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| Hi, this is a very thoughtful poem. I liked some of the words used, like: cheap, clandestine tryst, and brand burnt. They kind of clittered off my teeth like that, which was a good thing. But a lot of this language has been used before, and there weren't many 'out-of-the-ordinary' similes or phrases used. It was difficult to tell whether it was the reader you were talking to, or someone in the poem. Are they supposed to be this mysterious? Hiding a face maybe clever, but only if you do it absolutely perfectly; this case was more on the ???s side, to me. The parentheses need to go, they are like brick walls that flash red lights. They are used in academics to inappropriately squeeze in factual and aiding information. The way you ended it, kind of made me sour. They way you placed dirty kind of throws the poem off balance for me, especially since the ending you need a nice flip or curve, I think that is what you were trying to achieve with 'playing dirty'. Overall, I got the nice dirty feelings you wanted me to feel, and just needs some touch ups with word use and line interpretation. |
Last edited by Black on Mon Jan 09, 2006 9:21 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Once Upon A Dream
Writer
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 79
Reviews: 40
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2006 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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Snip Snip-Thanks for your comments!
Black-Hmmmm...I found your comments especially interesting. The "who is the narrator talking to" question is something I hadn't thought about, but it did make me realize that that wasn't altogether clear. What I'm not sure of is how to fix that without rewriting the whole thing, as I'm pretty happy with how it is now. The parantheses...I actually did edit them out, but I forgot to edit my original post. I've now edited it. I'm glad you got that dirty feeling throughout the poem, as that's what I was going for, but the tone of the way the word "dirty" is used at the end is different, or at least that was my intention. Throughout the poem, I was going for a feeling of naughty, kind of exciting dirtiness, but at the end, when the narrator actually uses the word, it was more in a way of meaning guilty, regretful, filthy, used, wrong. I don't know if that cleared things up, or if you would have anything else to offer based on that, but thank you very much for your comments in any case. |
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