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ladydark
First Person in the Sanity Ward
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 Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 5:57 pm Post subject: The Lost Maiden |
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I don't believe I've posted this yet... if I have, smack me and tell me to change it to something else XD
The Lost Maiden
There once was a squire
Who loved a fair maiden
But her hand was stolen
By the old king of Haden
When the King had found out
He felt betrayed
So he sent her to the forest
For the rest of her days
So sad was the maiden
To be left all alone
So sad that she knew not
The plans of the throne
To the forest went the squire
To find her hidden keeper
Love sick he slew it
Then went even deeper
Out rode the knight
Ready for the kill
The squire’s head to the king
50 coppers was the bill
The battle commenced
Between knight and squire
The knight won his fee
The end was dire
The maiden had fled
Her heart in a twist
Into the twilight
The squire she will miss
She cried out to the dark
“My heart is now broken!”
Then snuck up the knight
And stole her as a token
The old king of Haden
Awaited his jewel
But his gem had been chipped
As the evil knight’s tool
The battle commenced
Between knight and king
The noble fell hard
But both souls took wing
So that is the tale
Of the old King of Haden
A love stricken squire
And their lost maiden |
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“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
"By the pricking of my thumb/Something wicked this way comes." MacBeth |
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Chandni
Peace, Love and Magic.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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Pretty cool 
I like the story and how it rhymes when you tell it
Not much of a comment this is as I need to advance in my comment giving skills LOL  |
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I will sing it to the sky,
there's a risk it won't reply
if I could change it then I would,
I won't screw it up this time.
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forest_ofthe_nightingale
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| Posted: Wed Jan 04, 2006 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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I apologize in advance as I am not going to be as kind. 
OK, first off, if the maiden's hand was stolen by the king of Haden, why would he send her away? What exactly is the relationship between them? Are they father and daughter or husband and wife? If I missed anything about this, can you point it out?
Your rhyming was pretty good, but in the second stanza, "betrayed" doesn't rhyme with "days." Try reworking that stanza. Also, there were a couple times where the rhyming was very forced, such as in the 3rd, 5th, and 10th stanzas. In my opinion, this poem would sound much better if you completely omitted all the rhyming. It forced you into ideas that didn't fit.
I really liked the story though. Change a couple words and clarify a bit, then you'll have it. Nice idea. (sorry if I was too mean... I don't try to be!!!  ) |
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ladydark
First Person in the Sanity Ward
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Joined: 04 Dec 2005
Posts: 320
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Country: Safe and Sound in my little cell...
200 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jan 04, 2006 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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| hehe, not a problem and its not a poem actually its supposed to be an old scottish ballad.... so don't interput to much, let ye mind wander... the squire loved the maiden, and she him, but she had be stolen off by the king....the king had found out about their love, so what would he do? |
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“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
"By the pricking of my thumb/Something wicked this way comes." MacBeth |
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