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why i supported, and still do, Barack Obama
why i supported, and still do, Barack Obama

by lukas8u in Other
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on December 24, 2005
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After Dark

Topic ID: 6516
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Sohini   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 11:45 am    Post subject: After Dark Reply with quote

After dark on a moonless night,

When no stars shone and nothing was bright

I saw someone climbing through my window

More followed him all lined in a row.



They were tiny, they were lean.

On their faces were smiles so mean.

One frightened with his very ugly face.

One opened my cupboard and tore some lace.



Few broke the handle of my door,

Others shattered the mirror and much much more.

One sawed off the legs of my chair,

Few said bad words and fouled the air.



They ate all the cookies and the entire cake,

They threw my poem which had taken weeks to make,

They shouted in my ear and made me sick,

They sprang in my bed and gave me a kick.



Yet one I found sitting there so blue,

As if he was unwell and had not a clue.

He looked at me with a tearful eye;

A face so sad that it made one cry.



He caught my eye and tried say,

To stop them he would find a way.

His friends-maybe foes teased him a lot

For sitting still and breaking a thing a not.



All night they stayed and stole my sleep.

They stole my dreams and made me weep.

But when the sky showed signs of dawn 

They scampered off across the lawn.



My room was a mess-a frightening one,

Everything broken and some things gone.

I tried to fix them but all in vain

It saddened me so and gave me pain.



After dark on a cloudless night,

When heaven was starry and the moon so bright,

I saw someone coming into my room

I knew what lay ahead and waited for doom.



Strangely enough only one did come

The one who had sat and had been mum.

He came with a flute in his small hand

With that he wove music heard in no land.



Throughout my room his music flowed,

As if by magic the dark wall glowed.

The broken things stirred and moved 

As if to the music they danced and grooved.



After the very last notes were played,

My things were fixed-all new they lay.

The music joined then in minutes so few.

Outside the night sky was changing her hue.



Amazed was I at this enchanting charm

I thanked him for mending all of the harm.

Then as the first rays of morn did pour,

He scampered off and they came no more.

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Snoink   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY! A POEM NOT ABOUT DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND PEAS!

Well... actually, there was a lot of destruction but... who cares!

I liked this. The rhyming, most of the time, was pretty cool. What made it less than satisfactory was the metering. I wrote a little bit about it here, in my website at: http://www.ver2.biz/snoink/kn/writing/5.php

Anyway, keep up the original work. Wink

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Sohini   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 9:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks a lot.
hey, i really want to read (and maybe write) a poem about peas!!

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Been there, done that; it's not as much fun as it first appears.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh Sohini! I love your poem about, what I take to be, michievous pixies!^^ Adding some punctuation in some parts may have helped in reading, but really the point is there. Wonderful! And I might add, fun.
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Cat_Lover_23   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 10:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Over all I loved it, but there are grammar mistakes and such that I just have to fix. Wink I'm all about grammar and spelling and how words flow....not that I'm any good at poetry myself, but anyways...so here I go.

Quote:
After dark on a moonless night,
When no stars shone and nothing was bright
I saw someone climbing through my window
More followed him, all lined in a row.

They were tiny, they were lean.
On their faces were smiles so mean.
One frightened me with his very ugly face.
One opened my cupboard and tore some lace.

A few broke the handle of my door,
Others shattered the mirror and much much more.
One sawed off the legs of my chair,
A few said bad words and fouled the air.

They ate all the (change to my) cookies and the an entire cake,
They threw my poem which had taken weeks to make,
They shouted in my ear and made me sick,
They sprang into my bed and gave me a kick.

Yet one I found sitting there (where is there?) looking so blue,
As if he was unwell and had not a clue.
He looked at me with a tearful eye;
A face so sad that it made one cry.

He caught my eye and tried say,
To stop them he would find a way.
His friends, maybe foes, teased him a lot
For sitting still and breaking a things a not.


Other than those mistakes this was really creative! Loved it!

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

WHOA :OOO!! I really enjoyed reading this one!
The rhyming was very smooth, and it entertains one!
It was funny, It reminded me of those 'shoe theifs' in that old story xD.
Overall, I thought it was great, keep it up Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The rhythm and rhyming was extremely good; as was the 'story line' of the poem, not being something I have every come across before.

It seemed to flow nicely, I liked that.

Some things were a little confusing but Cat_Lover_23 touched on those (in particular the cake; i was sitting here thinking 'what cake? i didn't see a cake!').

Other than that; keep up the good work.

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