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Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water
Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water

by guitargrl1323 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on December 18, 2005
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Liquid Nitrogen

Topic ID: 6411
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Crysi   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:10 am    Post subject: Liquid Nitrogen Reply with quote

I used to tend to a single budding rose.

So delicate, so precious.

I poured my soul into taking care of it

Just so I could watch it drink in the sunshine.

(I didn't mind the thorns-

After all, what's a little pain

Compared to the glory of triumph?)



It soon grew into an entire rosebush.

I worked wearily, trying to trim it

So it wouldn't take over my yard.

And yet I couldn't bring myself 

To cut the single rose which started it all.

(I wanted to see it reach the sky

Away from the weeds and stones.)



One day, the rose simply broke off.

It lay dying at my feet, and,

With tearful eyes,

I attempted to save it.

(I knew it wouldn't survive long,

But all of us have felt

That greedy wish to capture

Fleeting beauty.)



It was only then that I saw

The choking, entangling snarls

That had killed the tender plants

Which had come before it.

(They had been so cheerful,

Thriving in a pastel life.)



Too numb to revive my dear ones,

I took the rose away

And staring with glacier shards,

I dipped it into liquid nitrogen.

(For a moment I smiled at its

Newfound beauty. But it would not last.)



I brought the frozen flower into the street,

Took one last glance

Filled with intermingling hate and love,

And dropped it indifferently

Onto the cold, hard pavement.

(I had never seen anything

Glittering so fiercely.)



I turned my back on the puzzle pieces,

Cut down the entire rosebush,

And began to tend to my original loves.

(They greeted me warmly and,

Ignoring the thorns still in my hands,

Grew to my touch, drinking in the sunshine

And growing to the sky.)

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Last edited by Crysi on Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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Snoink   View This User's Portfolio
Snuggly
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

SEE? What did I tell you!

*grumbles* Trying to hide your talent away...

As someone who does her best to grow roses, I thought it was cool. It's funny how we can concentrate so much on one rose, and forget about the rest of the plant. Because of that, the last stanza is so meaningful, that it makes the poem what it is -- bittersweet, yet strangely innocent.

I like it.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think I've ever read your stuff before... weird... I definitely would have remembered the style... Not to be a little kid or anything, but this is really good. I like it all, especially the ending.

'Trying to hide your talent away... '
I agree with that Very Happy
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Chanson   View This User's Portfolio
the milky bars are on me
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i really liked the idea behind this. the brackets got on my nerves after a few verses but it wasn't overly annoying.

no real stand out lines but definitely a very pretty poem. very suited to the song i'm lisetning to. yeah, i liked this.

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Crysi   View This User's Portfolio
Cold and Fragile
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Country: California Crew, yo.
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 6:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guys! Very Happy I just haven't gotten very good reviews on my most recent poetry from my friends and our poetry club, so I was hesitant to post some of it here...

Snoink, I'll try to add more if I write anything I think is worth it. Wink

emotion_less, this is a little bit different from my usual style. I've been experimenting a bit to see if I like one style over another.

Chanson, thanks! Smile Reading it again, I can see how the parentheses might get annoying... They were intended to be more of a personal thought rather than the action... I don't know if that came out enough.

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Country: USA
2087 Points

PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 6:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I just haven't gotten very good reviews on my most recent poetry from my friends and our poetry club, so I was hesitant to post some of it here...


Hehe...

Critiquing is an art. Many people, when they start it, will only tell you what is wrong and not what is good. So, most likely if you have a bunch of poets who can't critique worth squat, they'll only tell you the bad parts and not the good parts. But I liked this. You have a nice way with words. Which means... I get to hound you to write more! Smile

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This thread was created on December 18, 2005

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