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Auburn Queen chapter 1 and 2
Auburn Queen chapter 1 and 2

by formertywcwriter in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on December 16, 2005
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Cliff Johnston

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forest_ofthe_nightingale   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 1:12 pm    Post subject: Cliff Johnston Reply with quote

Much like yoha_ahoy's required english ballad. The rules: must have a set rhyme scheme (refrain does not have to follow the scheme), a refrain,at least 6 stanzas, a plot, a crisis, and an old-english theme (romantic, loss, grief, etc.). So... I came up with this.



Cliff Johnston



Cliff Johnston, what happened to you?

How am I supposed to feel?

Were you my best friend?

How am I supposed to heal?



Please, stop haunting me

I thought I had forgotten you

Even though I was there that day

I wish I never knew



I told myself over and over 

That it never came to be

Yet now I realize,

You I’ll never see



Cliff Johnston, what happened to you?

How am I supposed to feel?

Were you my best friend?

How am I supposed to heal?



I remember that day so crystal clear

It was only me and you

We went walking out on the ice

Then you vanished without a clue



I searched for you forever,

Slowly starting to die,

But there was nothing left of you

And I began to cry.



Cliff Johnston, what happened to you?

How am I supposed to feel?

Were you my best friend?

How am I supposed to heal?





I was desperately looking around,

With tears rolling down my face.

I prayed I would find you soon,

Yet there was no sign or trace.



Then I saw a hole in the ice

And I knew it was the key.

I rushed as quickly as I could.

Please don’t drown on me!



Cliff Johnston, what happened to you?

How am I supposed to feel?

Were you my best friend?

How am I supposed to heal?



But before I could even get there

Something caught my eye,

Stopping me suddenly.

Please Cliff don’t you die!



There you were looking up at me;

I’ll never forget your face.

Your eyes were cold as stone,

Locked in their frozen case.



Cliff Johnston, I’m so sorry;

I should’ve never let you die.

Now I hope you will forgive me

For never saying “Goodbye.”



Why was it you instead of me?

You were my best friend.

And I must ask you,

“Will your death ever end?”

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Last edited by forest_ofthe_nightingale on Sat Dec 17, 2005 10:40 pm; edited 1 time in total
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emotion_less   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just some nitpicks:

Cliff Johnston, where are you?
How am I supposed to feel?
Were you my best friend?
What am I supposed to believe?

This was the repeating stanza, yet it bothered me a bit. It was probably because the rhyme established throughout was ABCB and this stanza's rhyme was not quite that.

I told myself over and over
That it never came to be
Yet now I realize,
You I’ll never see

Rhythm here is a little off. I suggest adding something in the 3rd line and maybe rewording the last line.

I searched for you forever,
Slowing starting to die,

Instead of 'slowing' you should have 'slowly.'

As for the poem, it's different, I must say. Smile I didn't have much of a problem with it, besides some little things that are really just my own bothers.


Last edited by emotion_less on Sat Dec 17, 2005 10:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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forest_ofthe_nightingale   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2005 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Changed... sorry about the grammar error. Any better?

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is good. Interesting subject kinda creepy. Yeah, some of your rhythm was off and it was choppy. I suggest fixing that and a few of the rhyms maybe. Sorry I don't have much time now but good job, hope you got an A! Smile

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This thread was created on December 16, 2005

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