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Atlantis - Prologue



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Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:02 pm
JCK says...



Spoiler! :
I've added to and not really changed the original concept for the prologue I had, but this is like the third or something draft, I think it feels a little forced; but perhaps that's just me. I'd really appreciate hearing what anyone out there thinks!


Image




Image


If I were a bard, I’d sing you a song.
If I were a friend, I’d help you along.
If I were a thief, I’d do you no wrong.
But when I am King, you’ll know where you belong.


-

Fortunately for you, I am none of these things. What I am at this point in time is irrelevant, but I have a story. And so, you must settle for a story. An adventure, involving bards and friends and thieves and kings, set far away from here. In an uncharted and dangerous world, ungoverned and uncivilized. A planet known as Atlantis, but more locally referred to as ‘Hell.’




Image




On a quiet evening, in an old tavern, an adolescent boy sits by a dusty wooden table, opposite three men. The child looks to be about sixteen, with a muddied face and worn leather clothing. On the table there are three mugs, each facing downwards. The dust has been unsettled where the mugs have been crossed and switched around, in an attempt to confuse and discombobulate the three men.
“Wha’d’ya think Garry?” one of them blurts in a drunken slur.
“Go fa’ middle’n.” is his friend’s sluggish reply.
“Alrigh’, middle’n please, li’l nipper.”
The teen slowly lifts the middle mug to reveal absolutely nothing.
“I knew it were th’ right’n ya’ toons!” The third man gives a hearty chuckle, chugging the last of his brew as he does so; resulting in the expulsion of warm, stale liquid across the other two men.
“Eugh! Who’re y’ callin’ toons?” the first man shouts.
“Aye, who?” His friend backs him up and grabs the third man by the collar. Spittle from the drunk’s drooling lip lands on his victim’s brow.
“Why, I were only funnin’ ya’!” The blood drains from his frightened face.
“Aye... ‘n this’ll be fun.” The first man raises his fist, his target locked in place by his friend’s iron grip.
“Fellas! Take this outside!” The elderly bartender’s loudly voiced request is emphasised through the use of a rusty shotgun, aimed carefully at each of the three offenders in turn.
“Go on. Out.” he says, slowly advancing on the trio whilst pushing his spectacles back onto his nose with his trigger-free hand.
The men carefully shuffle away from each other, each slowly making his way to the door, careful not to startle the old man. However, their efforts are in vain as yet another drunken fool swipes at the poor senior with a glass bottle. The swing impacts his head, causing a rather large shock and as the gun goes off, all hell breaks loose.
Punches are thrown left and right, blood and alcohol stain the floor. In the midst of the brawl, a man clutches his intestines and tries hopelessly to shove them back in after being hit at close range with a shotgun blast.
His screams can be heard even from outside the tavern, where the young boy is now stood, a small bag of pebbles hangs loosely from his clenched hand. A vehicle pulls up next to him, its lights momentarily blinding him in contrast to the pitch black of the night. Its chassis is plated with a medley of different corrugated metals, a kind of patchwork ragtag of steel. Two doors at the back of the vehicle open, and two masked men, wielding clubs with nails driven in to them, step out onto the dry, sandy ground.
“Get in.” they say in unison, slapping their hands against the shafts of their weapons.



Image




A road, stretching between the north and south horizons, crosses the barren desert. The first Atlantian star; Protymos-1, is setting in the North-east, basking the land in its rich orange glow. The second; Eptymos-2, the further away sister of Protymos-1, is only just about to pass the middle of the sky.
Two men stand by the road side, a three-wheeled vehicle parked close-enough for one of the men to be leaning on it. This man is wearing brown-leather clothing, which is worn and fraying at the edges. His eyes are covered by a pair of dusty old goggles, and a midnight black fedora sits on his head. The other man, a muscle-bound giant, is wearing blue-denim-dungarees over a dirty-white t-shirt. This larger man is gazing up at Eptymos.
“How long ‘til they arrive?” the man leaning on the bonnet of their three wheeled vehicle says to the other man.
“Giv’m ten minutes.” the bigger man replies, briefly glancing away from the star.
“Okay.”
“We’s nearly at second-light, chief.” the massive man points out.
“Yes, Boa, I see that.” is the disheartened reply of the recently leaning, now stretching, man.
“Som’fink that I wonders is why is there two stars anyway – was never two stars on Earth. Just the one.” The giant scratches his chin with his greasy, sausage-like finger.
“You’re not on Earth anymore Boa, you were deported because you killed three people, remember?” the smaller man explains in a slightly harsh tone.
“Yeah but why’s that mean two stars?”
“Nevermind.” the man replies, and then goes back to leaning on the vehicle.
“And Boss, I only kills two of’m. Third’n was by accident. Were only a babby. I don’t kill babbies on purpose, Boss. Anyways, I were only a young’n.” Boa states, quite calmly.
“Well at least you got to see Mother-Earth. I’ve been stuck in the wastelands my whole life. And so was my father. And so was his father.” The 'Boss' stares at the dirt beneath his feet, entranced in a retrospective state.
“You’s got the blood of Atlantis though, Boss. You and li’l Archiwald.” Boa takes a step forward and covers his eyes, gazing towards the north, where two lights can be seen making their way down the road.
“Blood’s blood, Boa.”
“Boss.” Boa says, then points at the lights.



Image




“My dad’s going to be angry with you two, y’know.” the scruff locked in the back of the van calmly states to his two captors.

“Ha - Shut-up, runt. We’s your father’s best men. E’ry bandit in the wasteland knows about The Scarlett Panthers’ leader’s incomp’ent son. Your own pa’ even thinks you’re a wrong’n. Told me himself,” the ugly man who spoke nudges the driver of the van, with a sick smile on his face. They both chuckle.

The boy in the back of the van lets himself slide down the rough metal wall, until he’s crouching. He sighs, then begins to ponder within himself, as most teens do. He thinks about how much he hates his situation as the son of a bandit leader. He just doesn’t consider himself immoral enough. His father, whilst the only one with a similarly high intellect that Archiwald knows, is also the most immoral. His bandits; The Red Panthers call themselves organised, but every plan the adolescent has ever been involved in has gone wrong and they always end up in a free-for-all blood-bath. He thinks about how little intelligence there is on Atlantis, about how he, his father and possibly a couple of hermits on the edge of the wasteland are likely the only people on Atlantis who know what immoral means. He laughs inside himself, and then begins to wonder why he’s still alive. He’s run away so many times that there wasn’t a man within ten miles who didn’t know about ‘Archiwald The Coward’, a nickname given to him by his own father. It was ironic; he'd killed more people than he could care to remember, and yet he was the coward whilst some kids his age were still living happily in the mining villages.His mind then wanders onto the questions he would have for his father, if only he wouldn’t hit his son in the mouth at even the slightest sign of inquiry. Namely, ‘why are you such a bastard?’ and ‘why do you hate me?’ Two of the questions that make Archiwald feels as though he’s the only who doesn’t know the answers.

“’ey nipper, guess what?” the man sat next to the driver turned to ask, a grimace slowly spreading across his face.

The boy raises one eyebrow.

“We’re ‘ere.” is the bandit’s answer, as the van shrieks to a sudden halt; slamming the boy’s face into the cold, rusty floor-panels of the van.

“Great.” he says, after a few seconds of almost-unconsciousness, then wiping the blood from his brow, he climbs back onto his knees.

As the pair of men step out, they engage in a quick conversation with more men on the outside, the young boy can hear them.

“He’s okay?”

“’course Boss.”

“Where’d you find him?”

“Tavern, ten miles from ‘ere.”

“Tellin’ ya’ Boss, he’s a emb’assement to us. E’s always out gi’in us a bad name.”

“Shut-up, Boa.”

“He’s right though, ain’t he Boss?”

The reply is just a frustrated grunt of anger.



Image




The doors are opened, startling the boy, who had, up until this point, been listening with his ear up against the side of the van's chassis.

“Dad!” is all he can exclaim before he is dragged out onto the dusty desert floor by his father.

“You... you – little bastard.” the father shouts, standing over his son. He tries to crawl away, limbs flailing wildly.

“Come ‘ere!” the father drags him back by his foot. Throwing his own fedora to the side with his free hand, revealing his scraggy hair that is balding in several places.

“Get on your feet. Now!”

The boy is quick to act, pulling himself up using the side of the van. His father slaps him across the jaw, instantly sending him down again.

“Coward. You’re a disgrace. A disgrace to me!” his father’s face is red with anger, tears stream out from under his goggles.

Meanwhile, the trio of goons are hopelessly sniggering at the pair.

“Hit ‘im Boss!” says one of the men, he's shirtless, wearing only a pair of baggy jeans. The father’s head slowly turns to face the encourager. He points at him, then gestures him over with a slow incline of a reversed finger. The man walks confidently forward, not at all fazed by the sheer look of fury on his leader’s face.

“Fight him, Archiwald. Show me you’re not as pathetic as everyone thinks you are. Prove to me that you’re my son.” His father’s words, whilst overridden with anger, suggest a hint of hopeless pleading.

Archiwald slowly raises his fists. He’s pretty skinny, but his adversary is what would be considered ‘thin-as-a-stick’. The bandit's greasy fists are then raised also, but in a more knowing and ready form.

“Fight'm!” Boa shouts.

In one punch to the temple, the scrawny fellow puts Archiwald into the ground. And through the teen's eyes, the last rays of Protymos-1 are slowly disappearing over the horizon, as his vision blurs, Archiwald can faintly here Boa say;

“That’s just embar’ssing” whilst the rest of the group chuckle hysterically.
Last edited by JCK on Mon Oct 24, 2011 8:19 pm, edited 6 times in total.
The most wondrous sight I've ever seen is the sight of the sun in the sky.We are some of the lucky few who are allowed to exist; does that not make it all worth it?

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Sun Oct 23, 2011 11:58 pm
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Arryn says...



That was good. A few things:

The first section was difficult to understand because of the characters' unnamedness. Actually, you did mention one: Garry, and I think you should take the opportunity to use that in-dialogue whenever possible. If I were you, I'd find a way to weave other names in, as well.

There are great details here...patchwork ragtag of metal, and such. They immediately establish a sense of "place", which I'm assuming will later become Atlantis. They make me want to read more. The section as a whole, though, is hard to digest, and even a little unnecessary.

One last thing that I didn't like here (and, to a lesser extent, in some other parts of the story) is your tendency to overuse adverbs. It's especially apparent in dialogue; here, strong verbs will flow and feel better to the reader.


In the second section, the accents and your writing them hinders my reading a bit. I'm finding it hard to get around the contracted, apostrophe'd words. This all lines up very well, though, with the upcoming sections, and the planet is described well again with effective imagery.


The third section's only major hiccough is the main character's "thought" section. It's a bit too blunt in its explanation. However, the character comes across as different, instantly, and I can get a fuzzily defined idea of his personality already. I know, from that examination of thought and background (however simple) he will play an important role in the story. In particular, I think the choice to include doubts about his father's morality is great.


In the last section, everything comes together for the end of the prologue, which is nice. We learn about his father's traits, and their relationship, but the adult seems to express a little too much in front of his lackies. And, again, the names and characters aren't totally clear here; I'm not quite sure who Archiwald is, or when he was introduced.


As a whole, I thought it was effective, and I liked it. I can feel you establishing your setting, and your characters. What is being crafted is intriguing, to say the least, and its delivery seems to be chugging along quite nicely. Keep up the good work.
  





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Mon Oct 24, 2011 5:20 am
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briggsy1996 says...



Hi there,
I'll get down to the wire since any nitpicks I might've thought of have escaped me now that I've finished reading.
I legitimately felt as though I was reading an actual novel. It was very thorough and yet captivating in it's own way. This planet- Atlantis- with it's two stars were what I really found interesting. I like even more how Boa talks about earth, and the stars- it added some nice dynamics.
Overall, you have an excellent start to a novel here- the tone, the descriptions, the characters and the setting have been incorporated nicely.
I look forward to reading more! Best of luck and happy writing :)
-Briggsy
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
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Mon Oct 24, 2011 11:11 am
Octave says...



First off, I'm not doing a nitpick because as far as I'm concerned, this is one of the best prologues I've read on YWS! Why?

1. It's not confusing.

2. It doesn't give away the ending (urgh - I despise prologues because most of them do this).

3. It actually does a good job of introducing the characters and setting up the world.

My only question is why call it prologue? Why not just chapter 1? Eh, that's not really a problem, though. Let's move on to my actual review.

Voice is good, so I don't have to say anything about that. Flow is pretty good, but can be improved. How? By removing words you don't need, that's how. Granted, there's very few of those here, but let me point them out. They're scattered sporadically throughout the piece, so I'll just pick one example at random.

All of the raids the young one himself had been on had ended up in a free-for-all blood bath.


That's what you wrote. This is what I suggest you do.

All of the raids the young one himself had been on had ended up in a free-for-all blood bath.


Note that the sentence keeps the same meaning and becomes lighter at the same time. It's freer and more breathable now because it lost some extra weight.

When you reread this, I want you to check each and every sentence for pleonasms and words you know you don't need. If the sentence works without the word and keeps the exact same meaning, then by all means, throw away the word. Be ruthless. But if you take out the word and the sentence sounds clunky without it (a rare case, but completely possible), then keep the word instead. In most cases, though, cutting out extra words usually makes for better flow.

My next problem involves dialog formatting.

“We’re ‘ere.” – Is the answer to the silent question, as the van shrieks to a sudden stop. Slamming the boy’s face into the cold, rusty floor-panels of the van.

“Great.” He says, after a few seconds of almost-unconsciousness, then wiping the blood from his brow, he climbs back onto his knees.


That's not the right way to punctuate dialog. ^^"

I could go into a spiel about how to write dialog, but since Demeter was kind enough to write an article for that in the knowledge base, I'll just link you to the article. :) Read it and revise your dialog accordingly.

I'd like to point out that in the beginning, you broke the fourth wall. This kind of put me off and I'll admit, it was because of that part that I allowed myself to get distracted and watch The Joker Blogs instead. I personally hate it when the author breaks the fourth wall, mostly because 99.99% of the time it sounds pretentious, and it always makes the reader feel alienated from the story. It brings the reader to the realization that, "Hey wait, I'm not part of this story, am I?"

Probably because most of them stop mentioning the reader right after they break the fourth wall. They don't constantly remind the reader that they are, in some perverse way, part of the story. I'm afraid you did that. Mentioned it once, never mentioned it again. I have no idea why you want to tell me there is a writer behind this story that is completely unrelated to the story. The goal of every story is to make the reader believe it's real on some level - if you tell me there is a writer, I can't believe that anymore.

(Also the beginning sounds high-handed and kind of pretentious, no offense.)

Anyway, if you're adamant on breaking the fourth wall, I suggest you maintain a persona, a narrator, that has something to do with the story, and that you keep the reader part of the story. Check out Nabokov's Lolita, where he makes the readers jurors and the narrator a criminal on trial. :) Very effective use of breaking the fourth wall. Otherwise, only the most talented writers can get away with this, and even then, it's usually a miss, not a hit.

I'd actually advise you to take it out, to be honest.

On a final note, I'm having a difficult time connecting Archiwald to the "kid" you mentioned. The way I imagined it, you see, I saw a kid of about 8-10 years of age, the kind of runt who'd play the tricks Archiwald did. I imagined him adorable, a little ragamuffin, not the skinny teenage son of some gang leader. oo" Normally, I don't advocate description, but this one time, I'm going to actually encourage you to throw in a short description or two if you insist on calling him kid, or at least an indication of some sort that he's a teenager - you mention he's 17 only towards the end, and only once, if I recall right. It's difficult to change a first impression, so you might want to clear that up earlier.

Aside from those, I've no trouble reading this piece. Bear in mind I have a soft spot for gangsters, but then again, I have this thing against sci-fi, so I'd say I was pretty neutral to the topics in his piece! I commend you on making me read a piece this long without getting bored. ;) I'm not sure why this isn't featured, honestly, when this is one of the best pieces I've read on YWS. Conflict is tight, characterization and dialog are beautiful, flow is decent and needs little cleaning up - good job. oo Let's hope the rest of the novel doesn't fail my expectations. You've set the bar high. :) Trust me when I say that I don't follow novels or like works often. ^^

PM me if you have any questions!

Sincerely,

Octave
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

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Mon Oct 24, 2011 1:15 pm
Phoenix23 says...



This is a really good beginning of a novel. It seemed a bit confused in the beginning, but clears in the end and captures the readers interest. I like the concept of an alien planet. Good work, keep writing, I look forward to reading more. Best of luck!
If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!
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Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:39 pm
MasterGrieves says...



Ooh! This is very fancy. Looks very professionally put together, I liked the introduction, and your language is great. A lot of my stuff is completely the opposite; looks like it was made by an amateur XD What I think you need to do though is consider whether or not the fancy design will work for a WHOLE novel. You also seem to be a great writer, which always helps. You know your stuff, and it is fairly obvious. It's like re-reading Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy all over again! Great job!
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Mon Oct 24, 2011 4:09 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hi, JCK! Solly here, as requested. :)

First off, the cover is just amazing. :o

If I were a bard, I’d sing you a song.
If I were a friend, I’d help you along.
If I were a thief, I’d do you no wrong.
But when I’m King, you’ll know where you belong.


Fortunately for you, I am none of these things. What I am at this point in time is irrelevant, but I have a story. And so, you must settle for a story. An adventure, involving bards and friends and thieves and kings, set far away from here. In an uncharted and dangerous world, ungoverned and uncivilized. A planet known as Atlantis, but more locally referred to as ‘Hell.’


Beautiful. :o I'm captivated, shocked, amazed... Geez! I don't know. You know the perfect way to start a story.


“Go fa’ middle’n.” is his friend’s sluggish reply.

The red period should be a comma, I think.


“Go on. Out.” he says, slowly advancing on the trio whilst pushing his spectacles back onto his nose with his trigger-free hand.

Same here, the red period should be a comma. Everytime you write a dialog and then say "he said" or "she said" or "whispered" or "gasped", etc, it should be a comma. That is what's grammatically correct.

Being honest, I think punctuation is the only problem this GENIUS topic has. O.O I'd recommend you to do some research about punctuation and dialogs and edit it once more. And it'll be done and packed. ;)

Keep Writing!

~Solly<3
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Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:17 pm
JacksonDove says...



Good evening

Not bad. Not bad at all. It reads pretty well. And you've set up some nice and interesting characters. Certainly it was not a chore to read. Rather fluent and I would have no problem with it, save for the rather sizeable paragraph beginning “The boy in the back of the van lets himself slide down the rough metal wall,”. It just doesn't flow as well as the rest of the prologue. I mean, I understand he is with his fathers henchmen, and that he must know these people, so it seems he's not really in any real danger. But then you write. “He laughs inside himself, and then begins to wonder why he’s still alive.” - is he really in serious danger? Cause if he is, he wouldn't be laughing inside, or thinking anything so light as what he was thinking. If his life really is in danger, he would be terrified to say the least.

Also, being a coward is no small thing. How does Archiewald feel about this? Is he ashamed? Indifferent? Angry? Bitter even? His father hits him for asking questions and generally for being a disappointment to him. This would be quite an issue for a sixteen year old boy involving some rather complex and certainly strong emotions. I don't think you're exploiting that to the fullest potential.

But like I said, it really is only that paragraph. Other than that, it's a nicely written work that establishes the setting and the characters well, holds my interest and has a degree of style. Not shabby. Keep at it. I will look for more.

Happy writing.

Dove
  





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Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:21 pm
JabberHut says...



Hello! 8D

I like your prologue here! It's very interesting, and you clearly have a direction in mind. I think how you ended it is awesome, and it's a great conclusion for a prologue. I look forward to reading your chapter one to see how it fits together!

You noticed that it was taking me a while to review, judging by your question in our chat PM. xD But I was having a hard time wrapping my brain around the dialogue. There's not one character who doesn't have accented dialogue, so I reread a lot of the lines two or three times to figure it out. There's nothing wrong with accenting dialogue like this! Just be aware that too much of it will slow down your reader and, eventually, may frustrate them!

So that aside, I think this is fun. The transitions kinda lost me here and there, but I picked myself back up in no time. It all fit pretty well, so no argument there! It was a very intriguing piece. Your characters were very well-introduced, and I look forward to getting to know them better. That's a bonus you should be proud of! Boa is awesome. ilu boa. Boss' last quote at the end is fantastic. So basically, I hope those two goons are still around! The other goons all seem the same though, and I found myself losing interest with those other minor characters.

I think the dad could've used more... well, more. to his introduction. Like... he's a tough guy. He's this big, arguably-villainous bad guy who just showed up after a brief intro from his goons in the car. I'd like to get more suspense and scary-discussion about the dad -- FORESHADOWING. That's the word! 8D I'd like more foreshadowing to the father's character. He seems eerie enough that he could benefit from such a build-up. Even in a prologue!

There's some flow hiccups in here that I noticed! For instance, I recall the scene where Boss reminds Boa how he left Earth. That scene feels a bit forced into characterizing the.. characters. Yeah. 8D But this happens a few times, where the flow just doesn't quite smooth out. It's a style thing though, so it would take a grammarcheck to point them out. If you'd like one, just let me know. I typically grammarcheck my work when I'm done content-wise. xD So!

That's all though! I didn't have much to suggest. I did enjoy this though, and I look forward to reading more!

Keep writing!

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Mon Oct 24, 2011 7:52 pm
Kale says...



Here as requested to review!

The first thing I have to say is nice formatting. The divider images are a very nice touch.

But when I’m King, you’ll know where you belong.

The rhyming was good, right up until this line. The rhythm completely changes, not to mention the length before the pause, which disrupts the flow and makes this last line a really good trip-rope. This tripping tendency can be rather easily remedied by inserting a little article just before "King", to make the number of beats before the pause match up with the other lines as well as matching the syllable pattern of unstressed-stressed-unstressed-unstressed-stressed, which the second half of the line somewhat mimics.

TL;DR: Add an "a" or "the" before "King". It will read better.

“Go on. Out.” he says, slowly advancing on the trio whilst pushing his spectacles back onto his nose with his trigger-free hand.

This line stood out to me in a bad way. I'm not sure how familiar you are with firearms, but you never, ever put your finger on or near the trigger unless you're planning on actually shooting. Ever. Triggers are very sensitive things, and depending on how sensitive the particular trigger is, it takes only the barest of pressure to set the gun off; it's where we get the term "hair-trigger" from. And holding a shotgun single-handedly with your finger on the trigger... that's just a really, really bad idea considering the kick most shotguns, which are a two-handed weapon, have. If you're not holding it right when it goes off, you can do some serious blunt-force damage to yourself, courtesy the recoil.

In the midst of the brawl, a man clutches his intestines and tries hopelessly to shove them back in after being hit at close range with a shotgun blast.

And then this line came along and made me go "o_O". This article, with pictures, should explain why. Generally, though, shotguns don't result in huge holes that internal organs fall out of.

His screams can be heard even from outside the tavern, where the young boy is now stood, a small bag of pebbles hangs loosely from his clenched hand.

The tenses in this sentence are a bit confused. Also, "is stood" is a very strange, extremely passive to the point of being unnatural, turn of phrase.

“Get in.” they say in unison, slapping their hands against the shafts of their weapons.

...and that's the end of the scene? It feels so abrupt, as if you got tired and went, "To heck with it!" and stopped writing right there. At least show us the boy's reaction and end at a point where the action ends rather than just before an action (or in this case, reaction) is about to take place. It's like stopping a scene while a character is mid-sentence; it's abrupt and doesn't feel like a natural place to stop.

He thinks about how little intelligence there is on Atlantis, about how he, his father and possibly a couple of hermits on the edge of the wasteland even know what immoral means.

And here we have a prime example of a rambling sentence that rambles on for so long that it forgets what it was originally supposed to be rambling about. You've got quite a few of these scattered throughout, and they often result in some rather confused tenses (those poor tenses).

When you read through your story, try breaking down sentences to their most fundamental components as you go along. Compare with the actual sentence, and if things match up to your intended meaning, then all's fine and dandy, otherwise you should consider breaking the sentence down into smaller ones, else not writing long, rambling sentences to begin with.

Long sentences are a rather tricky thing to get down, and it takes quite a bit of practice and/or talent to make them work.

Throwing his own fedora to the side with his free hand; revealing his scraggy hair that is balding in several places.

And here we have a fine example of a misused semicolon. It's not the only one, unfortunately.

The thing to keep in mind about semicolons is that they essentially connect two complete thoughts (i.e. sentences) or, when you have a very long, descriptive list, act as a variation of a comma to help keep things from becoming a giant, commaed mess of what is modifying exactly what.

not at all phased by the sheer look of fury on his leader’s face

The proper form here is "fazed". A phase is a state of matter, i.e. solid, liquid, gas, or plasma; to be fazed is to be disturbed or otherwise disconcerted.

Now, one last grammatical thing: your dialogue punctuation was more incorrect than correct, more often than not. There are a number of websites that go over dialogue punctuation, as well as a number of helpful articles in the YWS Knowledge Base, that you might find helpful. I suggest you review them as the incorrect punctuation of your dialogue was quite distracting to me as a reader.

Also, I'm seconding Arryn on the accents being more of a hindrance than an aid to the story. It was really obtrusive and rather lame, to be honest.

Overall, right now, I'm getting far more of a sci-fi vibe than a fantasy one, which leaves me wondering whether this was misplaced into Fantasy. If it wasn't, it makes me curious how you'll work fantastic elements into this and reconcile them with science.

On another note, Archiwald strikes me as being a major wuss so majorly wussy, I seriously wonder how he's still alive. Being morally upstanding is one thing, but that doesn't mean one won't pick up how to fight and survive, especially if everyone around you is always fighting. Not picking up such basic skills strikes me as being rather stupid of Archiwald and unrealistic as I would think his father would have him trained from an early age to fight competently considering his occupation, unless Archiwald had some sort of physically debilitating reason for being unable to be trained in combat and such.
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Mon Oct 24, 2011 8:56 pm
emoticon220 says...



Hello! Overall i like this. its well thought out though a bit confusing at times. It seems that any gramatical errors have been sorted out by other reviewers.
Generally, though, shotguns don't result in huge holes that internal organs fall out of


Pardon my saying so, I appologize if I am in fact wrong, but were talking about a double barrel shotgun at close range. That kind of firepower can blow a pretty big hole in you and internal organs have spewed from smaller holes. The visual imagery is nice either way. (What can I say? Im a gore-fan! Quintien Tarintino anyone?)

Another thing i disagree with (let me note that i am saying this based on OPINION ONLY)
“Get in.” they say in unison, slapping their hands against the shafts of their weapons.

this sentence is suspenseful, it leaves you hanging as if to day "keep reading, you know you want to find out what happens."

Overall, its an interesting prolouge. It give just enough away to leave the reader wanting more.

Lots of love,
Emoti
O thin men of Haddam,/Why do you imagine golden birds?/Do you not see how the blackbird/Walks around the feet/Of the women about you?
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Mon Oct 24, 2011 10:38 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey JCK, Stella here as requested! Jeez, you've gotten so many fantastic reviews already, I'll have to try hard to be of help...

I. NITPICKS

If I were a bard, I’d sing you a song.


Something about having the word "bard" in your very first line makes me feel like it's a holier-than-thou fantasy. Not necessarily a bad thing, but just something to chew on when you consider what you want readers to think as soon as they begin! Other than that, I love this intro.

The child looks to be about sixteen, with a muddied face and worn leather clothing.


I guess it's a matter of opinion, but at sixteen I wouldn't call him a child...

“You’re not on Earth anymore Boa, you were deported because you killed three people, remember?” the smaller man explains in a slightly harsh tone.


While I recognise you introduce it this way specifically to avoid infodumping, I still think it could do with rephrasing.

II. OVERALL

This is pretty good! I do however have some nitty-gritty issues:

1) Dialogue punctuation. Octave's already linked you to the article I use for reference. Read it, memorise it, use it.
2) I'm always unsure on prologues. You should know that. The thing is with this, I need you to prove to me that this prologue is a) important and b) a prologue and not just a first chapter. The second one can get really frustrating! The thing is, YWSers really have an affinity for prologues and often they're needless and meaningless. So my challenge to you is to, while the story goes on, prove to me that this prologue has a reason for existence. Because no matter how well written it is, unless it's essential, it shouldn't be interrupting the reader's relationship with the body of the story. But there are exceptions! Just show me that this is one of them.
3) Colloquial speech- the accent. Are you going to write phonetically the whole way through? It can really grate on your nerves. The thing is, don't go crazy with it. If people are dropping t's and g's, that's fine. But for instance, "Your own pa'." What purpose is that last apostrophe serving? None. So don't overly phoneticise. Remember that when we DO speak, we don't pronounce everything the way it's written, so it's not necessary to rewrite every single word for an accent. Just let our imaginations do the work.

Other than that, this was pretty strong :) And, as I say, I love the cover!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Sat Oct 29, 2011 10:43 am
Demeter says...



Hey, JCK! Finally here :)

First of all, I love the Atlantis logos between the paragraphs. It gives this such a professional look, not to mention that the logo is really pretty. Did you design it yourself?

- I actually enjoyed the dialectal speech. It suits the characters well (or at least goes with my impression of the characters) and makes the speech more realistic. Overall, I think you did a really good job with the dialogue. Many people have the problem of making dialogue overly formal and something no one would actually say. You didn't do this, but instead the lines sounded smooth and effortless, if you know what I mean.

- Archiwald. I didn't care for him one bit until it was revealed that he was the previously-mentioned Archiwald. I was much more interested in the supposed bad guys who talked in an exciting way. This is probably something of a problem, since Archiwald seems to be the main character in this story? I want to care about him more than any of the supporting characters. As I said, it's true Archiwald became more interesting after I knew who he was, but I still wouldn't call him the hero who steals the readers' hearts from the very beginning. Also, I didn't really like how you kept calling him "teen" and "adolescent" (and then randomly, "child" by the way) -- it sounded a little artificial. I do realise you can't necessarily call him "Archiwald" all the time, nor "him" since there are other males around, but maybe "boy"? That would be more neutral.

- Random: I liked the names of the stars. They sounded like they were - excuse me - from a real book, not just something that - excuse me again - an aspiring teenage writer just made up.

- This might sound weird to you: From the beginning, my mind started to think about how I would translate this story. To make it less creepy, I'll have you know that I often think of these things since my major is translation. :P Anyway, that has never happened to me with something I've read on YWS. And by the way, this is a good thing. xD I mean, if I start to think about something like that, it means that the text is concrete, carefully considered, and creates some challenges for the translator, like the accent. It's hard for me to explain, but just know that it's a good thing.

- One more thing about the accents: I agree with the others on that you shouldn't overdo it. Less is more, as they say, but I didn't find them difficult to understand nor did they slow my reading down. Maybe it was because I mumbled the story to myself out loud. :P


I hope I've said anything remotely helpful. Nice job!


Demeter
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Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:56 am
SmylinG says...



JCK :mrgreen:

Better late than never, right? So here I am!

Now, seeing as you have received so many great reviews already, I'll attempt to shine the light on slightly different areas. Firstly, as a whole, I think this may have been a bit much to bite off in one chew for a prologue. You seemed to be feeding the audience with quite a bit at once, while for an intro I might expect you to be more collective with your thoughts. Condense things a little perhaps. Either that or simply break this apart in some area. This said though, I really do think you did a great job with your writing in general. Allow me to jump into why.

As I read, there was indeed a clarity to be appreciated in your words. You can tell a story nicely. This is key obviously, to not bear choppiness in your writing. Otherwise it's just plain unappealing to delve too far into. And although this was rather on the lengthy side, the clarity of your story-telling was quite appealing to the eye for me. Especially with the dialogue. Which brings me to my next few points.

I noticed your dialogue held a sort of... I want to say 'southern' swag to it. If not southern, I can't seem to quite put my finger on what. But it was leaning on the realistic side in any sense, so I quite liked it. Dialogue is important to keep a story on its feet. Enough of dialogue though, you already have it down. I figured I'd pat you on the back while I was here though.

I'm interested in the setting of your story. At first it confused me. The name Atlantis gets me thinking of an underwater world, but it is in fact a planet as you put it. Some place separate from Earth, which is also interesting, but gets me needing to know more about why this place seems like a planet for banishment. You hinted a lot at that, and so my mindset lingers on "trouble". Then you've gone ahead and inserted this character, Archiwald, (odd name by the way) who seems like oil to water in this environment. I hope you plan on doing a lot with his character. He really has so much raw potential, but you seemed to mask it in the beginning of this story. I had no idea he was in any way a vital character until more toward the end when it was brought to light who his father is. So yes, do great things here, J. Remember to project important characters in stand-out ways.

All in all, I really don't feel like I have too much more to say that hasn't already been mentioned, other than my opinion of this being a bit stretched out than what could have been necessary. The layout was brilliant. 8D I can see this is a project you hold close to your heart and I look forward to seeing you go places with it considering the amount of effort that surely went into this first little chunk here.

Apologies for my lateness, once again.

-Smylin'
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