Topic ID: 3249
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PsyLynx
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 Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 6:51 pm Post subject: War Drums |
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6-10-05
He bent his dance
to a happy dream dance
with stars o’rhead in a calm,
autumn-cool crisp burning woodsmoke
noise pollutioned way,
with a thousand comrades singing
singing singing
with a thousand comrades,
eyes all bonfire-orange dangling daggers
sing-sing-singing a happy dream dance
happy dream dance,
while dagger-eyes stab.
And their words are guillotine death-traps
and their friendships but wars, ceased,
and their blood rolls like boiling oil
with a quick identification,
smile of conceit
and a machine-gun-squad kills
as their orange dagger eyes
grin a happy dream grin.
And there HE sits, the Guh shudderGuh
sees beyond their happy dream song
smiles, and he’s someone else
and he stabs and he stabs and he stabs.
And a world of crying mothers
shatters itself open and closed.
A thousand x aways. |
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ohhewwo
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm... very interesting. It really seemed to have a driving, forceful rhythm, like, *gasp*, war drums.
The first part I had to read a few times to understand, but once understood, those are acctually really great opening lines.
Your metaphors are really interesting. Good job with that, as well. |
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Sgt.Pepper
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| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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Awesum job.
I think the first word on the second line could be pushed up to the line before it. That way both of your first "introduction" lines, don't both end with "dance". (kinda cheezy)
And, instead of "o'rhead", you should just spell out the entire word "overhead", it flows better, all abbreviations seem to interrupt the flow of all poetry.
That's about it,
Keep on writin' in the free world. |
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Ieatworms
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| Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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Very driving.
I particularly like "and their friendships but wars, ceased, " I don't think there's a better way of phrasing that.
It left me wanting to know more about the people you describe, and that's a sign the reader cares enough to be curious. |
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timjim77
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| Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 5:22 am Post subject: |
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| This is the best of your poems that I have read (which is not nearly all of them). It is absolutely magnificent, and is everything that a modern poem should be. Everything in there, every word served a specific purpose, and in the end, the specific words were lost in the feel and the emotion. This is inspired. Sweet job. |
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Micah
Wait for the opportune moment...mate
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| Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 12:58 am Post subject: |
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Quite excellent!
And, yes, I loved that friendship line.  |
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Natyr Lucio
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| Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 5:30 am Post subject: |
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This was amazing. I enjoyed this very much, and here's the reasons that I can actually give. The fragmented flow was perfect. The images and language use were powerful. You filled every nook and cranny and burned away every shadow and cloud of doubt and intelligent thought.
I give this very high kudos. |
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