Young Writers Society

The coding is messed up, but this is an acrostic poem.

Hell rolled out on angel's wings in an
Ignorant search for her.
Depths they searched, leaving her
Dying to scream out to them
Enveloped in the earth
Neatly buried in a man made box,

But she's already met hell
Unrevealing; hell in the form of a man.
Raped and rearranged,
Innocence torn from her,
Even more with degrading flesh.
Draped in rags; no longer found on milk cartons

Forever passed by her unknown grave, and was
Oblivious to those who have walked over it.
Redeemed to freedom, her killer walks
Grace touched the devil.
Openly deceitful about his last victim he
Taped up the holes
Tapered into nothing, because
Everything she had, he had taken.
Nearer to God she lies.

Hello there! My name is Rose and I will be your literary surgeon for the day.

So, diving right in...

Poems should not be cryptic or mysterious. They should convey an idea in a graceful, yet coherent manner.
Now, I know this is an acrostic poem. Kudos to you, but even in acrostics you should try to maintain good flow and rhythm.
Another thing: you used some punctuation, but I'd suggest keeping it up throughout so that the poem as a whole isn't sloppy.

Hell rolled out on angel's wings

I feel like this could be a good line, but it seems half-baked. I doesn't really serve its purpose, because it doesn't leave a clear image in the reader's head. Sure, it sounds pretty, but the only thing I got from it was that somehow hell got smeared all over this pretty, innocent little angel. Also, it makes no sense with the following "ignorant search for her". Either you missed the punctuation there or you're just not getting your message across.

Forever passed by her unknown grave, and was
Oblivious to those who have walked over it.

These lines are just one example of a problematic pattern I see throughout the piece. This is where good grammar and punctuation come into play. The cadence of these lines is choppy, and to be honest, their meaning was completely lost to me, and (I suspect) to many of your readers. They just don't make sense. Not to mention they don't flow at all.

Redeemed to freedom, her killer walks
Grace touched the devil.

May I suggest a period at the end of "walks"? It would make these lines really shine. Now that I mention it, this is my favorite part of the whole poem. Perhaps it's your use of assonance (the repetition of vowel sounds) in "redEEmed" and "frEEdom". Yep, these lines save the poem. Without them it really wouldn't be good at all.

Everything she had, he had taken

Maybe "he took" would sound better?

Your ending is a little weak. And the last line, "nearer to God she lies", is a good thought but undeveloped. You never mentioned God before this line, except for "hell" and "angel's wings". I do, however, like the idea of posthumous redemption for the rape victim. It's ironic, in a way, that us puny little mortals never got the justice system figured out, and left it for God to clean up our mess.

Disclaimer: I know acrostics are pretty difficult, and I understand that you probably worked your tail off writing this one. But, still. You should strive for good rhythm, grammar, punctuation, and a clear, pristine message that even the dullest of us might understand.

So, overall? Meh, OK. Needs quite a bit of work, but has potential. Keep it up, and keep stretching those writing muscles! You can only improve, right?

Sincerely,
Rose

Hello Boolovesyou,

I quite liked this poem, it was an interesting concept and I liked the detail and flow of this. The imagery and language were both amazing and insipring and you are a very talented writer. Your poem writing skills are honestly very good and I struggled at first to think of something about this that I could review. Anyway I have a couple of thoughts and tips that I can share with you which will hopefully improve this peice and any future poems that you write. Please don't take any criticism personally I honestly liked this poem.

First of all I think you need to emphasise the fact that this is an acrostic poem. I think you should try boldening the first letter of every line of the poem. Even italizing or underlining the letters. Anything to make it stand out would help because at the moment it isn't obvious that this is an acrostic poem and i think you need to make that clear to the reader. Also it takes talent to write a good acrostic poem and if you show that you have done that then people will appreciate it more and see it as a better poem.

Forever passed by her unknown grave, and was
Oblivious to those who have walked over it.

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the previous reviewer. This line was very choppy and unflowing. Also the meaning of it was confusing and virtually impossible to work out. I think you should try and make this a little clearer and less strange and non sensical.

There are a few other parts of this that either don't make sense or don't flow. But the other reviewer has already brought up all of those and I won't repeat their points. Just remember that even in poems that require a certain pattern grammar and something making sense are still both valued just as much, often even more than just in a normal poem so look out for that especially.

Overall you have a nice start here and I would really like to see your work around here even more. You have a big talent and if you ever want another revie won a different poem or you have any questions or concerns just PM me and I will get back to you as quickly as possible.

From DreamingForever

Hey Boo

Let me just say that the imagery you have is very good. You show much improvement that you are more clear on what is going on in the poem without giving it all away. Points for that

But a big problem is that many of the lines sound fragmented, cut short. This forces the reader to pause, which greatly disrupts the flow of the poem as a whole.

Hell rolled out on angel's wings in an
Ignorant search for her.
Depths they searched, leaving her
Dying to scream out to them,
Enveloped in the earth
Neatly buried in a man made box,

But she's already met hell
Unrevealing; hell in the form of a man. This line is a bit confusing.
Raped and rearranged,
Innocence torn from her,
Even more with degrading flesh.
Draped in rags; no longer found on milk cartons. Nice touch there.

Forever passed by her unknown grave, and was
Oblivious to those who have walked over it. This is a sentence fragment that disrupts the flow.
Redeemed to freedom, her killer walks;
Grace touched the devil.
Openly deceitful about his last victim he
Taped up the holes;
Tapered into nothing, because
Everything she had, he had taken.
Nearer to God she lies.

So that is what I see here, and those are just some suggestions.
Keep at it Boo!