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This thread was created on November 30, 2005
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Topic ID: 6106
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Chandni
Peace, Love and Magic. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 30 Nov 2005 Posts: 429 Reviews: 176 Country: Netherlands Antilles 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 12:49 am Post subject: You.. |
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There I was lying next to you
And I think, wow my wish it really did come true
So now I'm writing this poem
Looking back, how it all began
First time I saw your Face
I felt really weird something suddenly rushed into me
It was like an unexpected apple falling on my head from out of a tree
I felt like I needed to get to know you pretty soon or quick
As the days passed by and I kept seeing you
The more Special you became to me
I felt like there was some kind of Connectivity
Every star I wished upon, held the same wish deep down in its center
The wish that would bring eachother in our lives.
This was my goal, my point, my destiny
You becoming my Friend ment the world to me
And I know its sounds real crazy cuz I didn't even know you...
But now that things have gotten so far and we know exactly who we are,
I look back and Remember,
The weird feelings, the connectivity and the wishing upon the stars...
I know now they ment something,
I didn't feel and wish so much for nothing.
Even if it did give me a bump on my head that unexpected apple from the tree.
Knowing you,having your friendship and trust is the best thing that ever happenend to me... |
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Brian
Number Two Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 23 Joined: 15 Nov 2004 Posts: 296 Reviews: 122 Country: Commonwealth of Virginia 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 2:26 am Post subject: |
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I thought that this was okay. It was melodramatic, but not terribly so, and it's a bit jumpy in places, such as:
I felt like I needed to get to know you pretty soon or quick
As the days passed by and I kept seeing you
The more Special you became to me
I felt like there was some kind of Connectivity
The first line in that stanza contrasts a lot in terms of tone with the rest of the stanza. Getting rid of it would not detriment the rest, and would keep a consistent tone. |
_________________ If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 07 Dec 2004 Posts: 3023 Reviews: 1160 Country: If I told you I would have to kill you 300 Points
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Chandni
Peace, Love and Magic. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 30 Nov 2005 Posts: 429 Reviews: 176 Country: Netherlands Antilles 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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| hey you guys got nymore comments on this ?? |
_________________ I will sing it to the sky,
there's a risk it won't reply
if I could change it then I would,
I won't screw it up this time.
-Maps |
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| This thread was created on November 30, 2005 |
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