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Sun Aug 21, 2011 1:25 am
kjr5horses says...



Spoiler! :
This really isn't dark...right? I think I've written much worse....


Smoke and ash thickened the night air. Screams echoed through the darkness, buildings crumbled to nothing but ash as the fire consumed them. Dustan looked around, the thick smoke choked his lungs and his eyes burned like fire. Glancing to his left a man erupted into flames that engulfed his entire body. He soon fell to the ground withering before death silenced him.
Dustan searched frantically through the ruble trying to find his family. What once used to be homes and humble citizens crunched beneath his feet sending chills up his spine.
“DDDUUUSSSTTAANN!” The piercing scream, made Dustan jump he quickly ran towards the sound of his sister’s voice. Remnants of the fallen city filled his lungs, burning him from the inside out. He ignored the pain, and ran. His feet barely touched the ground as he made his way towards his sister. He had to find her.
Something caught his foot forcing him to the ground; looking behind him he saw the pale cold faces of his parents. His father’s arms were wrapped protectively over his mother. Their eyes wide open in death. Dustan’s heart felt heavy in his chest, like it was going to fall right out of him. Taking a deep breath he leapt to his feet and ran faster than before.
Within moments he reached his sister. A dark cloaked figure held a twisted blood soaked knife to her, his lips curling into a disturbing smile.
“Let her go!” Dustan yelled, his emotions getting the better of him.
“So the brave Dustan finally decided to join us.” He laughed, Dustan’s sister tried to get away from him and run to her brother but the man quickly stopped her and pressed the dagger deeper into her neck, “Try that again and your brother will have to bury three bodies instead of two.”
“What do you want?” Dustan glared at the man, quickly glancing at his sister.
“What do I want?” He chuckled, “You don’t remember do you?” Dustan stared at the man clutching his fist. “How amusing, well let’s put it simply this is not your sister and those,” He pointed to his parent’s bodies, “Are not your parents.”
“Then let her go! She means nothing to you!” He yelled, his anger boiled inside of him. Like the flames around him, the heat intensifying. Dustan froze realizing what he had just said.
“Nothing? Well if her life is meaningless then.” He pushed the blade into her flesh. She fell to the ground dead. “Dustan, all I want is you.” He backed away from the girl’s body keeping his eyes on Dustan.
Dustan scooped his sister up in his arms, tears rolled down his cheek landing on her lifeless body. He closed her eyes. “Why?” His voice was barely a whisper.
The cloaked man laughed, “Because you are just like me.”
“I am nothing like you!” Dustan yelled his anger taking control; the man chuckled but before Dustan could get to his feet the figure had vanished.
"Me I'm dishonest but a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you can never tell when they are going to do something incredibly...stupid." ~Capt. Jack Sparrow
  





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Sun Aug 21, 2011 2:51 am
jayleighsmith says...



Hi.

Dustan looked around, the thick smoke choked his lungs and his eyes burned like fire.

Comma splice.

Glancing to his left a man erupted into flames that engulfed his entire body

Read this out loud. Do you pause anywhere? Should a comma go there? I think one belongs after 'left'

What once used to be homes and humble citizens crunched beneath his feet sending chills up his spine.

I like this, except the humble citizens. It drags out the sentence and we've already been introduced to charred bodies. I think you could take it out. My opinion only.

“DDDUUUSSSTTAANN!”

There's no need to do this. You can just say his name, then explain what it sounded like. A lingering piercing cry of some kind.

The piercing scream, made Dustan jump he quickly ran towards the sound of his sister’s voice.

This is not one sentence. It is two. Period after jump?

He ignored the pain, and ran.

No need for a comma here.

Something caught his foot forcing him to the ground; looking behind him he saw the pale cold faces of his parents.

You don't explain what it is that caught his foot? Did his pant leg get caught on a piece of rubble, tripping him?

“Let her go!” Dustan yelled, his emotions getting the better of him.

He laughed, Dustan’s sister tried to...

Again, period. Not comma.

Dustan glared at the man, quickly glancing at his sister.

Meh. Something more along the lines of 'Dustan's eyes moved from his sister's wide, scared eyes to the creature's deep, souless...' I don't know.

Okay, so the grammar is pretty much the same throughout. Same rules have been broken. Just go in and edit your work.
Overall. I'm very confused. I'm not sure what you were going for here. This doesn't seem to be a stand alone piece. There are too many unanswered questions. The huge one I can think of is...what the fudgemonkeys is going on?
I realize it's supposed to be a short story, but even short stories have a moral, a general theme, something like that. This doesn't really have any of that. What did your protagonist learn from this experience? From what I gathered, nothing.
As far as this cloaked thing goes. Not too sure what his role is. I can only guess. Which that is cool because it makes me imagine my own thing. But I'm not sure if that's where you were going with this. And Dustan. Who is he? I don't know.

To answer your question of the darkness portrayed here. I'd give it an eight out of ten. Kinda creepy but too many unanswered questions for me to feel bad for anyone. If I cared about these characters, then yes, dark and cryptic.

Sorry if that was no help at all. Good effort. Thumbs up.


--Jayleigh
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen
  





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Sun Aug 21, 2011 1:53 pm
Noelle says...



Hi there!

I would comment on the grammer errors I found, but it looks like jayleighsmith already took care of that, so I'm going to comment on the content of this.

This story started out really good. I thought the first paragraph was written well and really introduced the story well. Your imagery in that paragraph is great. I could close my eyes and see the place burning, the man in flames, hear the cries everywhere. But then as you went along, your descriptions sort of dwindled away. You didn't seem to focus on the city anymore, but rather just on Dustin. Sure if he's your main character you have to focus mostly on him, but he doesn't need all the focus.

One comment about Dustan, wouldn't he be really upset and sad if he saw his parents dead? Wouldn't he be a bit disturbed and heartbroken? You seemed to rush through this event by moving him on. Sure he heard his sister's screams, but I know if I had seen my parents dead, I would stop and lament. It seems like such a big deal and you wrote it as if it wasn't.

My favorite character in this story is the bad guy. I know you're not supposed to like the bad guys in stories, but I felt like he was the only character that was real. You did a good job developing Dustan, but the villain is just pure evil. He doesn't seem to care who he's killing as long as they're dead. Based off the way he easily slit Dustin's sister's throat, he seems to not be bothered by killing at all.

As for your question about whether or not this is dark, I'd say it's quite dark. The situation is definitely terrifying, and people are dieing. You could probably make it a little darker by adding some more description about the city and what's going on there. Maybe you could describe the other screams Dustan heard while he was trying to save his sister or something along those lines.

Overall this is a good piece. With a little editing you can make this better. Also, the ending kind of got to me. I feel like we don't really know who this man is and why he thinks Dustan is like him. I hope this review wasn't harsh! I really did enjoy this piece. Keep writing!
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Sun Aug 21, 2011 2:36 pm
kjr5horses says...



Oh no this is a....beginning of a much longer story. Its supposed to just start and then leave you hanging because I took it out of a longer story idea. Its just the part I have down at the moment.
"Me I'm dishonest but a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you can never tell when they are going to do something incredibly...stupid." ~Capt. Jack Sparrow
  





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Sun Aug 21, 2011 7:07 pm
Boolovesyou says...



Hey Kj,

I'll start off with things that need work or fixing!

his eyes burned like fire.
This comparison was just boring since you've already been talking about fire.

beneath his feetcomma sending chills up his spine.


He laughedperiod Dustan’s sister tried to get away from himcomma and run to her brothercomma but the man quickly stopped herperiod Pressing the dagger deeper into her neck,


I think you need to prolong the sisters death. You wrote in a short sentence. Throughout the entire story you've told me how Dustan felt, but you never showed me. Did his hands never trembled? Things like that you have to add the story. Stop telling me how he feels, and show me. Other than that the story was very well written. Congrats!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.
  





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Sun Aug 21, 2011 9:35 pm
Theatrics says...



Hello! :)

Smoke and ash thickened the night air. <-- This isn't a very strong opening sentence. Try to make the description sound more interesting.Screams echoed through the darkness, (You should add an 'and' here) buildings crumbled to nothing but ash as the fire consumed them.

Dustan looked around, the thick smoke choked his lungs and his eyes burned like fire. Glancing to his left(,) a man erupted into flames that engulfed his entire body. He soon fell to the ground withering before death silenced him.

Dustan searched frantically through the ru(b)ble trying to find his family. What once used to be homes and humble citizens crunched beneath his feet(,) sending chills up his spine.

“DDDUUUSSSTTAANN!” (There's no need to capitalize this.) The piercing scream(, <-- this comma isn't needed) made Dustan jump(. H)e quickly ran towards the sound of his sister’s voice. Remnants (Can remnants of a city really fill his lungs? Are you talking about particles of dust? If so, clarify it better.) of the fallen city filled his lungs, burning him from the inside out. He ignored the pain, and ran. His feet barely touched the ground as he made his way towards his sister. He had to find her.

(You have a lot of short sentences. change up your sentence variety a little.)Something caught his foot(,) forcing him to the ground; (There shouldn't be a semicolon here.) looking behind him(,) he saw the pale(,) cold faces of his parents. His father’s arms were wrapped protectively over his mother. Their eyes wide open in death. (In death? That doesn't really make sense.) Dustan’s heart felt heavy in his chest, like it was going to fall right out of him. Taking a deep breath he leapt to his feet and ran faster than before.

Within moments(,) he reached his sister. A dark(,) cloaked figure held a twisted blood(-)soaked knife to her, his lips curling into a disturbing smile.

“Let her go!” Dustan yelled, his emotions getting the better of him.

“So the brave Dustan finally decided to join us.” He laughed, Dustan’s sister tried to get away from him and run to her brother but the man quickly stopped her and pressed the dagger deeper into her neck, “Try that again and your brother will have to bury three bodies instead of two.”

“What do you want?” Dustan glared at the man, quickly glancing at his sister.

“What do I want?” He chuckled, “You don’t remember do you?” Dustan stared at the man clutching his fist. “How amusing(.) well let’s put it simply(. T)his is not your sister and those,” He pointed to his parent’s bodies, "(a)re not your parents.”

“Then let her go! She means nothing to you!” He yelled, his anger boiled inside of him. Like the flames around him, the heat intensifying. Dustan froze realizing what he had just said.

“Nothing? Well(,) if her life is meaningless then.” He pushed the blade into her flesh. She fell to the ground dead. “Dustan, all I want is you.” He backed away from the girl’s body keeping his eyes on Dustan.
Dustan scooped his sister up in his arms, tears rolled down his cheek landing on her lifeless body. He closed her eyes. “Why?” His voice was barely a whisper.

The cloaked man laughed, “Because you are just like me.”

“I am nothing like you!” Dustan yelled his anger taking control(.) (Again, no semi-colin) (T)he man chuckled(,) but before Dustan could get to his feet(,) the figure had vanished.


Okay, so overall, I thought it was a really good piece. You had a few grammar errors, but I think I spotted most of them. Most of the grammar mistakes were for commas. As for the story itself, I was utterly confused. You leave the reader with so many questions and don't answer any of them. I'm not sure how I feel about Dustan, because you don't really many clues about what's happening. And he doesn't show any emotion when he finds his parents dead. Did he care about them? And for your question, I did think that it was dark. I hope I helped you with this, and keep up the good writing! :)

-Lucy
  








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