Young Writers Society

M.I.A

I fell asleep with your heart in my hand,
and awoke to your hips pressed against mine.
Lips searching with no command.
Our fingers lay tightly intertwined.

I felt your heart beating,
between every touch;
your hands leading,
wanting so much.

Your lips about to form words
I jolt awake, leaving them unheard.
It was only a dream,
tears fall for my poor, lost marine.

I found this really close to heart i love your work especially this poem please keep writing it i think people would love it but the problem is i wish there was like an area on yws where you could post your stories or poems on the front page so everyone could see them keep writing XD!

I fell asleep with your heart in my hand,
and awoke to your hips pressed against mine.
Lips searching with no command.I love this part

Wow, this was really well written. I love the message and the rhyming. The message isn't really one you see very often, and I think it should be seen just as often as everything else. It's a topic that hits close to home, for me anyway. Very descriptive, too. Good job!

Wow. This is a very deep poem. I have not seen something like this on this site in a long time. And even though it is saddening, it also makes me happy to see people thinking about what really matters and are willing to share that with others. The poem flows really well, and the imagery satisfies me, which is pretty hard to do (except towards the end it fades a bit). No spelling as far as I can see. Some places did not rhyme as well as others did, but that doesn't really matter in a poem like this, especially if the flow is not lost.

M.I.A

I fell asleep with your heart in my hand,
and awoke to your hips pressed against mine.
Lips searching with no command.
Our fingers lay tightly intertwined. Great attention-grabber.

I felt your heart beating,
between every touch;
your hands leading,
wanting so much.

Your lips about to form words
I jolt awake, leaving them unheard.
It was only a dream,
tears fall for my poor, lost marine. Nice finish.

You missed some punctuation, but in all, this is a very nice poem.
Keep writing!

I suppose there are places where this could be critiqued, but I don't feel like there's anything that really jumped out at me and it honestly looks fine as-is. In fact, I really felt the emotion in this piece. *liked
This wasn't "emo" or overdramatic, nor was it dull and lacking interest. It was just sweet, and it worked really well with this piece.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Things I liked
Things to improve
Grammar

M.I.A

I fell asleep with your heart in my hand,
and awoke to your hips pressed against mine. You COULD capitalise this, but you don't have too.
Lips searching with no command.
Our fingers lay tightly intertwined. I love the imagerey here!

I felt your heart beating,
between every touch;
your hands leading,
wanting so much. Good, but slightly shorter than the other two stanzas.

Your lips about to form words,
I jolt awake, leaving them unheard.
It was only a dream,
tears fall for my poor, lost marine. Somehow .... this doesn't work for me. I'm being picky, but it just flops after two very detailed stanza's. Maybe re-write? It's up to you. Maybe, try adding a bit about the marine: how he dies and that, but you don't HAVE to add that, it is just a suggestion.

Overall:

Very emotional. I really liked this poem. Here are some points:

The stanzas are all different lenghts, and I don't like that. It annoys me. But that is my opinion.

The last stanza flops after such emotional stanzas. It ends too quickly ... it doesn't flow.

The first two stanzas are very emotional, they flow and aren't choppy. I really like them.

I love the fact you dedicated them to the marines. It was really thoughful and you did them proud with a poem like this.

Thanks for being my first... erm... reviewer-er person. -Nods- Yep. Reviewer-er person. xD

The first stanza is definitely my favorite, it is really good, I can really imagine what's going on. xD

You could capitalise your two sentences; some poets do do that, others don't, so this is completley up to you.

Your review is finished!

Princess Of Darkness ... xD