Young Writers Society

What's happened in this novel so far:











Charlie

As though I’d imagined all of what had just happened, every warm feeling inside of me was pulled away along with the sweet smell of Zoey's breath. She began stammering as she looked at me, and me being the bonehead that I was, did exactly the same in response. And there was me thinking she might have actually liked me. I shouldn't have been so naive. Zoey had probably gained the common sense to stop before it was too late. I guess it was a good thing; I was supposed to be encouraging Zoey to get into Will, and I highly doubted kissing her myself would have done that.
“Uh, sorry...” I muttered, sounding more like a girl than I ever had before.
Zoey didn't say anything in response, which enhanced the washing machine feeling that was in my stomach. Should I have just left? The feeling of Zoey's lips were still lingering on mine, and the longer it stayed there, the more numb they became. Her eyes were drifting about the place as though there were a million thoughts weighing down her mind.
“Sorry, really, I didn't mean to... I'm an idiot, sorry.” I was about to stand up when Zoey finally spoke.
“Wait! Don't leave... It's not you... I'm the idiot.”
I hesitated. “How?”
She turned her eyes to the ground I'd previously been running my hands across. When Zoey looked back up, I relaxed back onto the floor a little more. Could this mean that I hadn't actually screwed up for once? The doubt was still swarming my body, but nonetheless, I tried to listen to what Zoey had to say.
“You'll think it's stupid.”
“No, I won't.”
“It's just that... Doing that made me think of my sister and what happened.”
What was she talking about? I didn't even know she had a sister. Once again, my body tensed and I was tempted to stand up. I was right to doubt, wasn't I? Whatever Zoey was on about was probably just an excuse. She wanted me to feel better about her deciding that she didn't actually like me in that kind of way. Just as I was about to say something, Zoey stopped me.
“Wait, don't you know about that?”
“No, I don't think so... Look, it's fine. I get it.”
“Honestly, Charlie, it's not you.” There was a splash of guilt in her voice now. “Hasn't Austin told you about my sister? I mean, he found out on the way back to my house when I ran into him in the supermarket.”
I shook my head in response. It was fine. I completely understood that, to Zoey, the kiss had been a mistake. She didn't need to come up with any kind of story to make me feel better about it. My face must have been showing every single one of my thoughts because when I concentrated on Zoey's blue eyes, they were dashed with a great deal of guilt and an ounce of panic.
"I should probably go. I think my dad's expecting me home," I said, trying to get up for what felt like the hundredth time today.
“Please, don't! I'll explain it, okay?" The pleading stare in her eyes forced me to remain on the ground. "Back in July, something bad happened to my sister, Aimee. She was... she was out in Amber Fountains to meet her boyfriend or something, and she got herself into some trouble."
I had no idea where this was going, or what it had to do with us kissing, but for some reason, I was beginning to think that what Zoey was saying may have been legit.
Zoey’s face was hard now, but her eyes were distant. “Are you sure Austin hasn’t said anything?”
As I looked closer at Zoey, I noticed that there were tiny pools of water trying to surface in her eyes. The doubt of her lying was radically being erased from my mind now. The water in Zoey's eyes increased, but it looked like she was trying everything she could to hold them in. If something I'd done had reminded her of something that made her feel like this, then it was probably best that I did leave anyway. Whether she was lying or not, I'd clearly upset her in some way.
I shook my head. “Well, no, not that I can remember. Listen, I don't mind leaving. I'll take you home, if you want.”
"Honestly, it has nothing to do with you, Charlie. Please, believe me.” Before I had the chance to tell her that I did, in fact, believe her story, she continued speaking. “Aimee was in a park beside a street called Fleming’s Walk where she got... she got stabbed and it ended badly.” Zoey took in a deep breath. “She was killed.”
Silence. No sound, no thoughts, no words, no emotions. Nothing. God, how I wished that lasted longer. Within one intake of air, the sickeningly beautiful landscape around me was spinning like there was no tomorrow and it was as though the veins were bulging underneath my fragile skin, trying to break through. No. No, no, no. This was wrong. I was just being thick like usual, and I’d heard Zoey wrong. Austin, the park, Lee, my street... She’d named my street. No matter how hard I tried to force them out, the facts crawled into my blood and sniggered at my panicked mind. Zoey’s sister couldn’t have been... No. I mean, I was friends with Zoey, I’d... I’d kissed her. I froze. I’d kissed her...
I’d kissed the sister of the girl I’d left to die.
"It's just that kissing you made me think of her and how she'd never do anything like that again... It's stupid, I know. I'm really sorry."
I wasn't even listening to Zoey properly. This was wrong. This whole thing made my stomach churn. It was sick... so damn sick. I’d left her there in the park, left her to bleed to death, and now I’d kissed her sister. She was dead. Zoey’s sister was dead and it was my fault. And Zoey had no idea.
“Charlie? Charlie, are you okay?” Zoey’s voice was just a jumble of muffled words in my ear. “You do believe me, don't you? Sorry, I thought Austin would have said something. I just...”
Hang on... Austin knew. That was what she said, wasn’t it? Austin knew who that girl was... He bumped into Zoey over a week ago. He’d known for a week and he hadn’t told me. He knew who he’d killed and he didn’t think to bloody tell me?
“He knew...”
“Pardon...?” Zoey sounded fragile.
Without even trying to think about it, I jolted to my feet as I grabbed my jacket from beside me. Zoey’s phone fell off it and landed on the ground with a quiet thud. Her light hair was moving smoothly with the breeze that had taken over the previously calm air around us, but merely looking at her made me feel sick. Feel wrong. I had to go. I couldn’t... I couldn’t just stay here, not now. My legs were buckling beneath me.
“Charlie, what’s wrong?”
“Us... we can’t. I just, I’m sorry.” I tried turning away, but she quickly grasped my arm to stop me.
“Please, don’t go... Look, I... I really like you.”
No, no. No. You don't. You don't know what I've done. This is all wrong.
“We can’t, well, be anything like that with each other, Zoey. I really need to go.”
“Why?”
I set my eyes onto Zoey’s face to see her lips shaped into a frown. Her blue eyes were beautiful in the sunlight, but every molecule inside of me was plain ugly right now. I wished she could have seen that. I didn’t know what to say, so I said the first thing that popped into my mind; it was the only thing I could think of that would let me leave.
“You just... You have too much baggage.” This could work. “Sorry, it’s just that I can’t be bothered with it. I don’t like girls with loads of baggage. I don't even know if I believe you anyway. Besides, what Will said was true.”
I didn’t even need to glance at Zoey’s face to know that every single word I’d spoken had pierced itself into her, but it didn’t matter. She needed to let me go. I couldn’t allow her to actually like me, not when she had no idea of what I’d done. Without looking back at her once, I sprinted towards the forest’s opening and started running along the muddy ground. I didn’t stop until I reached the main pathway.
As though I’d been running for miles, not under a minute, there was a feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach. It was as though the gangly branches of the trees were trying to wrap themselves around me. Trying to suffocate me. Why did everything decent in my life have to get so screwed up? This wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair anymore. A mere ten minutes ago, I was so happy. I was the happiest I’d ever felt in what seemed like months. I was at the cliff, I was on the rock bridge, and I was with Zoey. Someone really must have hated me. Not that I could blame them. I clenched my fists before shooting my foot out to kick one of the trees next to me. If it wasn’t for me, Zoey would have still had a sister. Aimee would have still been alive. I kicked the tree again, but instantly froze afterwards. Aimee. She had a name now. Aimee, Aimee, Aimee. She wasn’t just ‘that girl Austin stabbed’. She was Aimee... Aimee Cardle. Zoey’s sister, Sophie’s daughter. Aimee.
“Charlie?”
It didn’t even take me a second to spin around because I recognised the voice immediately. Standing in front of me with a grin on his face was Austin.
“Wow, I didn’t actually think you were gonna bother to come back. Hey, have you seen Zoey? She’s buggered off somewhere after Will scared her off. I reckon he did, anyway.” He paused. “Uh... are you alright, mate? It looks like you’re gonna spew or something.”
“You knew,” I spat at him. “You knew and you didn’t bloody tell me?”
“Whoa, what? Charlie, you’re gonna have to be more specific than that.”
“Zoey’s sister.” His face instantly dropped. “Zoey just told me, and now I’ve gone and said some messed up things to her.”
“Charlie...” Austin’s voice was shaky, and for once, he didn’t even seem to be trying to hide his fear. “Charlie, tell me you didn’t say anything to her.”
“Don’t worry, Austin, I didn’t tell her anything about me leaving her sister to die. I kissed her though. I kissed her, even though I let her sister die.”
“Don’t say that,” he muttered. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d react like this. Look, mate, just calm down and think about it.”
Austin glanced around before pulling me away from the pathway. Every step I took felt as though it would make my trembling legs collapse and part of me wished they would. I wished I could have just lay down on the ground, shut my eyes, and acted as if all of this crap was just some made up rubbish inside of my head.
“You could be a good thing for Zoey,” Austin finally said.
“Where the hell is the logic behind that?”
“Don’t say anything to Zoey or Beth, but I was speaking to Beth earlier and she was saying how Zoey’s never had that much luck in the guys’ department. Apparently, her weird habits kinda put them off a lot.” I tried to say something, but Austin hushed me. “So she’s recently lost her sister, yeah? Well, her having a boyfriend or something right now could be good for her. It would be like a distraction. It would be good for you too.”
“What about her sister? Do you expect me to just forget about that?”
“Charlie, you didn’t do anything wrong. How many times do I have to bloody tell you that? You’re the only one who tried to fricking stop it all from happening, to begin with. I’m the one that screwed up, mate. Me. Not you.” He rubbed his temples. “You can’t let some stupid thing I did wreck everything for you. The least you deserve is a decent relationship with Zoey.”
I could see where Austin was coming from, but it still all seemed so wrong. I couldn’t get close to Zoey, not like that, and not when I knew every single detail about her sister’s death. What she was wearing that night, how fragile her voice sounded, the cold look in her eyes when Austin and Lee were fighting, the way she'd tried to stop it all. Everything. Then again, I knew what it felt like to wake up one day--or in my case, one night--to find that one person who you actually gave a shit about was gone. When I lost Mum, the one thing I needed was just someone who could distract me from it all. I never had that though.
“I don’t know...” I muttered.
“I know I come out with a lot of shit, Charlie, but if there’s one thing you can trust me on, it’s this. If you never trust anything I say ever again, just believe me on this one.”
Austin’s eyes were filled with limp hope, and the longer they dug into me, the more seriously I considered what he was saying. After what I said to her, what were the chances of Zoey still wanting to be so close anyway? I mean, I may as well have given it a shot considering she probably wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me. I’d destroyed her life enough as it was, so the least I could have done was tried to have created some positive impact on her. I owed that to her at the least.
“Yeah... Yeah, I guess so.” After the first yeah, Austin was already grinning.
There was still a feeling though, a gut feeling, that was screaming at me, telling me that all of this was wrong. I’d learnt to never trust my gut though; that was what screwed everything up. It was my gut that told me to leave the house the night of the stabbing, it was my gut that decided to tell the guys about the gang as they neared the park. It was my gut that told me not to call for an ambulance. It was my gut that told me to beat up Jax, it was my gut that told me to try and comfort my dad when he was having a flashback. And it was my gut that told me to kiss Zoey. I’d learnt by now that my gut was even stupider than my mind.
“Austin!” someone called from behind me. I turned around to see Zoey’s other friend ambling towards us along with Will. “Any sign?”
“Nah, but Charlie’s seen her.” Austin nodded at me. “She’s alright and everything though, I think.”
They both stopped beside us, while the girl spoke. “Well, where is she now?”
“I dunno,” I said in the most relaxed tone I could have put on right now, and as I glanced at Will, I noticed that he was glaring at me like usual. “I think she’s still at the cliff. It’s through that pathway over there.” I pointed at the path I’d run through not too long ago. I noticed that my arm was shaking slightly.
Before anything else could have been said, there was yet another yell. This time, Beth was behind it.
“Jade!”
I swore if I heard another name being called, I’d have ripped my hair out of my skull. As I looked over Jade’s shoulder, I spotted Beth parading towards us with her dyed red hair looking as though it was on fire as the wind flowed through it. I didn’t take much notice of that though, not really, because walking beside her was Zoey. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her steps looked strained as she moved closer. My throat felt as though it closed up in an instant, followed by a feeling of something digging into my frenzied heart. It didn’t take a genius to figure out she’d been crying. Zoey’s gaze was stuck to the floor, but Beth’s eyes were pierced into mine. Oh, shit.
“What the hell do you think you’re playing at?” Beth rather violently moved Jade out of the way as she stopped beside Will.
“Uh...” I stammered, considering I was incapable of saying anything more, not that I really needed to say anything else because my brother quickly retorted.
“What’s he done this time?”
“Nothing!” No way could I have let this idiot find out about me kissing Zoey.
“I’d hardly call it nothing, Charlie. You can’t just mess my fri--”
“Beth, don’t...” Finally, Zoey spoke. “It doesn’t matter.”
Her usually soft voice was uneven, and the sound of it sent a shiver crawling through my skin. She still hadn’t looked at me. Was what I said to her really that bad? I didn’t even mean any of it... I just couldn’t think of anything else to say. Why did everything have to get so damn screwed up? I tried to lay my eyes on Zoey's expression, but her head was lowered slightly and her face was covered by her long fringe. She glanced up at her best friend with what looked like a pleading look before Beth sighed.
“Seriously, what is going on?” Will was really starting to irritate me now.
“None of your business,” Austin snapped.
“My parents are expecting me home,” Zoey muttered to Beth, and for a second, I caught her gaze. “I don’t want to be late.”
Beth didn’t take her concentration off me once before she, Zoey and Jade turned around, and even when they had their backs to us, it felt as though Beth’s glare was swarming my entire body.
“You’re so bloody stupid. What did you do this time?” Will hissed at me once the girls were out of sight.
Austin spoke before I could. “Seriously, Will, just go and make love to some croissants considering you fancy France so much. Croissants might actually give a shit about what you have to say.”
“It’s not physically possible to be sexually attracted to a country, dimwit.”
Without bothering to listen to my brother argue with Austin any longer, I started trudging back towards the opening that led to The Fountains. It didn’t take long for me to hear Austin’s footsteps padding after me, but thankfully, I couldn’t hear Will anywhere near us. He’d probably gone after the girls like the embarrassingly optimistic kid he was--not that I was complaining. The last person I wanted around me right now was him.
“Look, mate, don’t worry about it,” Austin said as the forest’s overgrown opening came into sight. “Zoey’s a girl. They whine about things and complain all the time, but they always get over whatever irked them, even if the guy involved was a complete tool. They’re pretty stupid like that.”
Austin stepped over a pile of prickly nettles that were lurking on the ground just outside the opening, but I walked straight through them instead. I only got a couple of scratches anyway, and besides, it was relatively consoling to feel something sharp on my skin. The sight of my neighbourhood, from the overflowing bins to the potholes in the road, made my jaw harden. Aimee shouldn’t have... she shouldn’t have died in a rut like this, not when she had such a classy and comfortable place to go home to. It just wasn’t right.
Austin spoke again once we were wandering along the pavement. “Hey, I was supposed to be meeting up with Lee this afternoon. Do you wanna come?”
I stared at him. “Really?”
“Like I said, we can’t get on his bad side, Charlie.” He shrugged. “I’ll just say that we made up so it doesn’t seem suspicious when you turn up with me. I don’t think he’s that bothered about the whole ambulance thing anymore, so don’t worry about that.”
No way. If I saw him, all I would be able to think about would be that night, and right now, that was the last thing I wanted to be going over in my head. It was practically impossible not to think about already, so I didn’t want to worsen the weight on my thoughts.
“No, Austin, I really don’t want to.” I must have sounded like a pathetic little kid, but I didn’t care. “Go on your own. I fancy going home anyway,” I lied.
Austin sighed, then rested his elbow on my shoulder before looking at me. “Nah, I ain’t bogging off now you’ve finally decided to grace me with your presence. How about we go and grab something to eat, then we can go to my place. I’ll just tell Lee that I can’t be arsed to do anything.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” I smiled as Austin stood straight again.
“We were supposed to get a Chinese earlier, but then Zoey got lost, you made out with her, everyone panicked, we went looking for her, you upset her, then you pissed Beth off, and Will buggered off somewhere, so things didn’t quite go according to plan.” He paused. “But hey, that’s life. One moment, it’s like you know exactly what’ll happen next, and in a second, it’s like a load of bastards are trying to grind you down. But you know what you say to them? You tell ‘em to sod off.” He rested his arm over my shoulder as we strolled onwards. “Or get pissed. Either one works fine.”





Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART NINETEEN)

Smurf!

I'm glad you decided to post this early

that I was, I did exactly the same in response.

This would be better without the second 'I'

climbing up the cliff or something, not that I could say

You could maybe turn the comma into a full stop here and have this part as two seperate sentences. I think it would read a little better as at the moment, it's too much in one sentence.

My legs were buckling underneath me.

This is just my opinion, but I think 'beneath' would sound better than 'underneath'

she took hold of my arm

This is too gentle an action. I would have thought that she'd have grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving. At least then she'd get his attention more. I know you used 'grabbed' when you talked about him picking up his bag, but maybe you could use another word similar to it here.

“Please don’t go... Look, I... I really like you.”
“We can’t, well, be anything like that with each other, Zoey. I really need to go.”

Okay, this again may just be my opinion and the fact that I love your characters so much, but I want more here. I want to know Charlie's reaction to her admission. Even if it's something as simple as his heart soaring and then plummeting back to his feet.

bothered for it.

I think 'with' would be better than 'for'

It was my gut that told me to leave the house the night of the stabbing, it was my gut that told me not to call for an ambulance, it was my gut that told me to beat up Jax, it was my gut that told me to try and comfort my dad when he was having a flashback, and it was my gut that told me to kiss Zoey. I’d learnt by now that my gut was even stupider than my mind.

I'm not sure if this would have more impact if it was seperated into smaller sentences or not. Maybe have a play around with it and see if having full stops where most of the commas are would work.

I tried to lay my eyes on Zoey, but her head was lowered slightly and her face was covered by her long fringe.

Perhaps this could be -

'I tried to lay my eyes on Zoey's expression, but her head was lowered slightly and her face was covered by her long fringe.'

he was, not that I was

This would be better as two seperate sentences.

that was the last thing I wanted my mind to be going over in my head.

You have too many ideas here. It would read better either as -

'that was the last thing I wanted on my mind.'

or

'that was the last thing I wanted to be going over in my head.'

***

I don't think you really need to worry about this part at all. Having this, the big reveal and the fight/argument, right after the kiss scene, was great timing I think. Not so much from Charlie's point of view as his life seems to be one bad thing after another, but I think if you'd have had everything go too right for him, it wouldn't have fit the pattern of his life so far in this story. Course, it would have been nice for Charlie to have had some luck, but then again, having him kiss the girl he likes and then have to pretend he hates her straight after, makes the whole scene even more heartbreaking. I just think this worked. It's like you have the reader thinking that things are finally going to go Charlie's way and then BAM!

I also think that this was a good time to do the whole reveal of the girl Austin killed being Aimee, too. The plot really feels like it's moving now and I can't wait to read more.

As for Austin and Charlie, I don't think there was anything majorly wrong with the scene. I guess Charlie could have been more angry at Austin for not telling him about Zoey's sister, but that's only something small to think about

I'm kind of wondering about the whole tutoring thing now because, if Charlie doesn't go, then Will will have nothing to blackmail Charlie about. But then he might want to go to try and patch things up with Zoey. Ahh, so many potential ideas

Thanks for the read and I hope this helps!

Anna

Hey Skinsy,

Another great post. Again I feel very useless because as usual instead of feeding me steak, you give me the Eiffel Tower. See what I did there? A pun on William! Moving onwards, I found you really did capture the emotion in this chapter better then I've seen before. I felt sorry for Charlie and Zoey; I even connected more with her this time. Since starting reading, this is the first time I haven't wanted to send her on a trip to France without a return flight. I did it again. You never cease to appease the die hard fan-girl in me, Skinsy!

My favourite thing would have to be the relationship between Charlie and William. It is so real, not this fake, for ever love thing. Mostly these days siblings in stories don't fight with enough heart. It's as if the writer just wanted to place it down though not give the row between siblings enough thought. You on the other hand did give it thought. I could see Charlie and William in my head throwing about comments and the sting of their words. It felt so real; it reminded me of me and my brother. Me being the hunky Charlie and my brother being meany-pants-though-I-still-love-him William.

H'okay, so I'm kind of paranoid about this part because I guess it's an important one. I'm worried the reveal of Aimee's death is too... random and abrupt, I think. I'm not too happy with the Charlie-being-convinced=by-Austin scene too. I might just be pointlessly paranoid, but I think those parts could do with some improving. I'm just kind of stuck when it comes to how... >.<

Now you shouldn't be paranoid because you did well, though I think that there could be some touch ups. When Zoey was telling Charlie about her sister, at first I agreed with you: it did sound a little adrupt though as I read on you kind of solved it. The last sentence was the one that made me dismiss the adrupt thought all together. So don't worry, you synced it in well though in saying that I think that just maybe you have to add in some more emotion. Maybe Zoey's tougher then I give her credit for but I think if I was talking about a dead sister my eyes would start to water no matter how bad our relationship was. Family is family, as Dad likes to put it.

I agree with you with the Austin and Charlie thing. He's trying to hook Charlie up with Zoey and yet there is not a note of worry in his voice. No matter how long or great their friendship is Austin would still be scared that Charlie would spill the beans and turn him in. That's just human nature. We're a rotten bunch, aren't we? Now, I have a suggestion so don't worry. You could keep this, have it, love it, but in turn make it that Austin is conjuring up a plan. Something that will save his own skin in the long run. You know what I mean? Have him thinking up an evil plan that will make him look innocent when/if they're caught. If you're going to do this then you have to give some hint to the reader in this chapter, but then make Charlie oblivious because he thinks Austin is hooking them up together out of his better nature. Although, he isn't! DUN DUN DAHHH! Or you could have it come to a complete surprise, either way I think I am even more excited now.

Really, this was perfect Skinsy. Which means you are safe and I don't have to travel to Wales to make you watch Home and Away...for now. You've got to tell when you post the next chapter, I want to see how things run out. Ooo now you've got me jumping up and down in my seat with anticipation. I can't wait any longer; I think I am going to explode!

As an end note.

Austin spoke before I could. “Seriously, Will, just go and make love to some croissants considering you fancy France so much. Croissants might actually give a shit about what you have to say.”

“It’s not physically possible to be sexually attracted to a country, dimwit.”

This was by far is the most hilarious line in a story I've read for ages.

Again I feel useless because I couldn't contribute enough to writing a full blown review, but that's just the way with you Skins. You make everything perfect and you don't even want to share with the reviewer. PS. You'd better remember to tell me or Home and Away is going to pay you a little visit. PPS. I am listening to the theme song of this story!!

Once again, you've written an excellent chapter! Well done, Skinsy, well done. *pats*

Poor Zoey though! Once Charlie told her that what Will had said was true, I immediately felt so bad for her, knowing the way she's going to be playing that over and over in her head and obsessing over it and putting herself down for being that way...ohhh I wish I could be there to comfort her. >.<

You portrayed the wide range of emotions really well; that was the main thing that stood out to me all the while I was reading this. Each person has their own thoughts, feelings, inner turmoil, and you clearly showed that all without spelling it out in black and white. You did a fantastic job of showing, and I just wanted to point that out.

As for the parts you were worried about...

First, regarding the revelation of Aimee's death: I'd have to agree that it felt very abrupt. More than that, though, I feel like the timing was very poor on Zoey's part; this is a serious, sobering, emotional topic for her, and it seemed to be told too quickly. With her friends yelling for her, it means they're in earshot and they can't be that far off, which means that it shouldn't take too long for them to stumble upon Zoey and Charlie -- this alone would make it feel more stressful and rushed. But now tack on the jittery feelings of having just kissed Charlie, and it all seems like a bit of an overwhelming time to confide something so personal and heart-breaking to a guy she knows, but doesn't know super well.

I hope this all makes sense; I think the way she tells him about Aimee and the consequential thoughts running through Charlie's head are perfect and fit really well; it's just the atmosphere, I guess, that doesn't feel conducive to such a serious confiding. Those are my thoughts on it, anyway.

The part where Austin convinces Charlie felt a lot more believable. I honestly didn't think anything felt too out of place, or that Charlie was convinced too quickly. Austin made some good, viable points and Charlie seemed to kind of calm down enough to absorb them and really ponder them, so it all looked fine to me. I do think Austin acted a bit too...buoyant about the whole deal, but then again, I think that's just Austin's personality, to be able to bounce back after tough situations and whatnot.

Speaking of Austin, he was great for some comic relief in this chapter. I love his bickering with Will; very clever and entertaining. ^_^

That's really all I've got to say. Great work, as always. I'm looking forward to the next part!

Is it wrong that I can completely imaging Austin as one of my friends?
Anyway, I've read all of this novel so far, so I'll give my general impressions in this review, mainly the more recent chapters.
One thing I like is how you've managed to make me hate a character who is a lot like me (Will). I'm a big history nerd and the like (I'm not manipulative like Will though), and you've managed to make me hate the character as much as Chris Finch in the Office.
God, I hate Chris Finch.
Another thing. This might just be my memory playing up, but a couple of chapters ago, you mentioned Charlie starting to cut himself with that piece of glass. I don't think this has been mentioned since then... correct me if I'm wrong. I probably am, knowing me.
Lastly for my general impression, I agree with Ranger - I found the reveal of Aimee's death a bit too sudden, but I liked the way Charlie dealt with it afterwards. Seemed quite panicky, which kind of fits since he's snogged the sister of the girl he left to die.

Now, on to this chapter. I think the writing's very good, gives a lot of weight to what's happening. The first person approach fits very well with this story. The guy also seems to react quite realistically to what happens to him. One thing I've noticed is that your characters don't quite feel the same when we're seeing them from the other's perspective - this is probably just because we're not getting their thoughts and stuff.
Congrats on getting Featured, now put up the next chapter, I'm pretty sure I'm going into withdrawal.

hahaha! I was reading your chapter when I got your request. Got an email and I started laughing thinking "That's got to be Skinsy." You made my day lol

That being said. Almost everything in here was perfect. Except for the scene where she tells Charlie about the death.

Why wasn't she answering her friends? They were calling for her, why couldn't she yell, "Over here!" before continuing with their talk. And why did she have to tell him now? I mean, not once during the previous chapters has it been on her mind to tell him about what she's been through with Aimee, but suddenly, she needs to tell him?

I mean, that kind of friend looking/staying together tension would have been good if they'd been seriously making out or . .. more, but they weren't. Just kissing, and she freaks, but doesn't tell her friends where she is. Huh. And why weren't they trying to call her? I mean, have one of them call her out loud, and others on the phone? They could try to trace her by the ring tone.

Other than that, I thought it was good and believable, Charlie's reaction to hearing about Aimee, was quite believable and I enjoyed the whole piece.

Keep up the great work, Skinsy!!

Tanya and Liam <3

Hai.

I'm feeling like reviewing something as I haven't reveiwed in ages. Summer has killed me that way, I've barely reviewed anything since June. I know, terrible.

I'm going to make this short but I've got to get some of this stuff out. You know, opinions and all that jazz?

First of all; Congrats on getting featured.

Doing that made me think of my sister and what happened

Alright this was the first thing that bugged me straight off. We know Zoey is a sensitive charachter, one that feels things deeper then quite a lot of people but, this situation was rather strange and for me; highly unrealistic. As you probably know, when you have your first kiss (this was Zoey's first kiss right?) it's a really new feeling. Nothing like goodnight kisses from parents, it's not really something you can imagine. Most of the time, first kisses are simple kisses. Sweet kisses. Kisses you remember for maybe- the rest of your life. This was the what caught me eye. Even though Zoey pulled away because of the thoughts running through her head, she should, I mean any normal person would, have a rush of desire or amazement. You know, the normal; Surges of 'WOW' I just got my first kiss[/i and then the fantasizing about the next kiss or about a relationship beginning from there. Everyone has those little tingles. Zoey didn't. She immediatly went into this, not to be harsh here, pathetic whining about her sister and how the kiss brought back [i]sad memories.
A kiss is happy, especially a first kiss. Was it just not like that for Zoey? Did will gross her out so much that she thought of Aimee? (I really don't think that is the case but-)

Where is the passion? Even if the kiss made her think of Aimee, in some bizarre case, then I still think the 'WOW' Factor should have come first, you know? And even then, I don't think Aimee is a valid reason to pull away from a kiss. It sort of 'popped up out of the blue' for me. It didn't really make any sense. As I said, A first kiss is a one in a lifetime experiance. You can't get it back. Why pull away from something like that?

If you still think that you want to go down that route then you should at least, I think, add in some 'WOW' to help us get in touch with either one of the charchters. Bring in Aimee's death in a more realistic fashion because I think, here, you just popped it in because you couldn't think of anything else. Maybe I'm wrong, or just moody

Secondly, I'm not sure about Charlie and the kiss. Was it his first kiss? Maybe not, but seeing as Zoey has a little place in his heart I think the kiss should mean a bit more to him even if Zoey pulled away. He should at least be trying to 'swallow down the urge to kiss her again' or something. I just feel that the kiss scene was so important and you rushed it. I mean it's the first real conneciton between them too isn't it? For me, to really 'do' this, you need to add those tingles and 'wow's.

Other then that, good job. I want to find out what happens next.
I love the finishing line, typically skins.

Keep writing and I hope I didn't ramble on about nothing!

Adios!
Kagi xoxo

Yo yo, Skinsface.

Go figure. I would completely squander my advantage of reading this the second you posted it by waiting not just a few days but a whole freaking week. Bad Rachael. Badbadbad Rachael.

So, I'm afraid a lot of what I'm going to say is going to echo what others have already said. But I'll do my best to dig up something else. So far, I've just skimmed other comments.

The Charlie narrative rings less for me than Zoey's. With Zoey, I know her as she's writing, I'm seeing what she's seeing and feeling what she's feeling and it's making sense and it's clicking and I'm there thinking, "I'm not here, this isn't me, but I understand her." With Charlie, my imagination has to work more. Poor, poor me.

I don't know the exact cause of that, other than you knowing Zoey better or Zoey just being easier to grasp. But... while I hate making suggestions of this sort--really really hate it, because it's your story and not mine and you know the character and I don't--but... *forces self to spit it out*...

I know back in earlier chapters--back before the 10+ chapter gap I'm missing out on--some of your readers commented on Charlie sounding somewhat girl like. While I don't remember ever having that problem myself, if you wanted to him to come off as a little more masculine or more definitive, you could probably accomplish that by cutting out the romanticized words. They're something that stuck out at me as I was rereading. Words like the ones in bold:

As though I’d imagined all of what had just happened, every warm feeling inside of me was pulled away along with the sweet [it's implied that it's a good smell] smell of Zoey's breath. She began stammering as she looked at me, and me being the bonehead that I was, did exactly the same in response. And there was me thinking she might have actually liked me. I shouldn't have been so naive. Zoey had probably gained the common sense to stop before it was too late. I guess it was a good thing; I was supposed to be encouraging Zoey to get into Will, and I highly doubted kissing her myself would have done that.

So, yeah, the fact that he liked whatever she smelled like is implied. I bolded probably because of the hesitation--and while don't see Charlie as confident about almost anything, I could personally see him as being dead sure about his own stupidity/worthlessness and not bothering to qualify it--this would depend on how much of this is his thoughts and how much is definite. As for the highly, sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't. I go back and forth every minute. If I read with with a slathing layer of sarcasm, it works brilliantly. But then there's him being dead sure of his own stupidity, so it's not a high doubt but a sure and definite doubt.

... all right, so that didn't work out as planned. Damn. I guess what it boils down to is to make sure all the words you use are doing what you want them to do, and by hawking your diction you can make sure Charlie comes off as you'd like him to. I'd personally watch verbs and beware of adjectives and adverbs. I could see Charlie using some punchy verbs to beat himself up with. Pun partially intended.

Another thing you could do, of course, would be syntax, if you got into really stylistically differentiating it from Zoey's. You already do it in one part of this chapter, right after Zoey tells him her sister was killed, and he goes into this interior monologuey thought stew (which was fantastic, by the way.)

Zoey didn't say anything in response, which enhanced the washing machine feeling that was in my stomach. Should I have just left? The feeling of Zoey's lips were still lingering on mine, and the longer it stayed there, the more numb they became. Her eyes were drifting about the place as though there were a million thoughts weighing down her mind.

A few things in this paragraph that I'm going to rant to you about and then I'm gonna quit the technical mumbo dumbo.

My brain insists that I inform you of the potential of the first sentence. It wants it to be broken up: "Zoey didn't say anything in response. [Something about the washing machine feeling here.]" Why? Cutting excess words and punchier syntax and dramatic effect. That's why.

Then "The feeling of Zoey's lips were still lingering on mine,"

If you keep it as is, it should be 'was' because feeling is singular. But, I'd recommend changing it to "The feeling of Zoey's lips lingered on mine." 'Still' implied, word cut out, stronger, punchier verb form for this dramatic moment. Also, then the tense agrees with the 'stayed' and everyone's happy. This goes for any "was -ing" or "were -ing" or other progressive form... the simple form is almost always punchier and stronger, with more POW and speed and immediacy. So apply elsewhere at will.

Finally, the last comment, which ties in with what I said early about Charlie's narrative not being as clear to me as Zoey's and all that other stuff.

Her eyes were drifting about the place as though there were a million thoughts weighing down her mind.

I have no idea what the look of having a million thoughts weighing down on someone's mind is. He can see that her eyes are drifting (and perhaps looking at anything but him?) but what is it specifically that makes him think she's got stuff on her mind?

This concludes the now-mandatory Grammar Hullabaloo Session with Yours Truly.

Now onto the good stuff.

So, you asked about Zoey revealing what happened to Charlie, and here I agree with Kagi (I creeped her quoted section there.) When she mentioned her sister, the scene lost some of its credibility. She gave him a very candid response about it, but she's so sensitive as someone else said. And as Kagi mentioned, she did just get her first kiss, and it sure read like a good one. Is there conflict there on her part? Or does all the happiness just suddenly give way to a big pile of sadness about Aimee?

I almost want for her to have a mini panic attack with the emotion rush, for them to break apart and they both smile just briefly and then her face just goes ashen and she scrambles up all panicky and has to go. And then Charlie could go after her and she could be all teary and hysterical as she says "Just reminded me of my sister!" and poor Charlie couldn't know what to do at all and try to be helpful while being all confused (and thinking that William is going to kill him) and then go make it worse by saying "Wait, what sister?" and...

Ahem. Imagination got carried away with me. Or I got carried away by my imagination. One of those.

My point is that I don't think Zoey's reaction is realistic, and since so much of Charlie boy's reaction is dependent on how she reacts--if she's as pleased as punch and wants to kiss him again, to hell with Will, man--yeah.

I think part of the problem might be the very last line of the previous chapter, the 'Too bad it all ended too soon." When I read that, I was sure they were going to get caught, or the cliff was going to break off. One of the two. But it makes it seem as if she just had a random thought about Aimee that shut everything off and then that makes her angry at Aimee. Or maybe I'm wrong and she really did get a sudden thought about Aimee that wiped away all of the awesome. Who knows, just throwing out ideas into the wind. Weeeeeeee, wind.

I'm also obligated to inform you that when he tells Zoey Will was right, my heart just about stopped. I felt so horrifically bad for Charlie, and so horrifically bad for Zoey. I wanted to jump right in there and save both of them, Charlie from Austin and from the guilty and Zoey from the poor pain. It's actually somewhat physically painful, that part of the exchange, but Charlie doesn't seem to have it on his mind at the end when he's talking to Austin.

I mean, he just destroyed a girl.

Oh, Charlie. Zoey. *hug*

I think I need to the review at this, though, because my comments are starting to get even weirder. You know the drill. Comments, questions, car keys, you come get me.

Rach

(I almost typed my real name just then. Is going my brain is)