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Young Writers Society


Midnight (Part 1)



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Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:03 am
MiRaCLeS says...



Spoiler! :
Please tell me your thoughts on this. All criticism would be very much appreciated. :)


Since the beginning of time, it had been said that the child who was born on midnight would be cursed by the moon to be deceitful and bound by lies.

In the little village of Marckorti, this had only happen once before, a time so long ago that it had begun to fade into the legends and myths. However, that was all before I was born. I was born on midnight, under the full moon, I was cursed by the moon, I was called Midnight and this is my story.

I suppose I better begin at the very start, my birth. It was a cold winter's day when the crops were sparse and the animals thinned. The moon shined bright and wicked in the sky. That was the time when I was born; I came out, crying and screaming. The midwife took one look at me and the first thing that struck was my silver white eyes that glowed with the power of the moon. After seeing my eyes, her face was still, in frozen horror.

It didn't take long for the word to spread out. The people gossiped about how unfortunate and hideous the case had been. For fear of the people's reaction, I was kept at home and no celebration was thrown. I was kept hidden. My eyes stayed silver, although they get a little duller each day, it still shines the colour of unmistakeable silver. No one wanted to see the child who bore the silver eyes.

Now, fourteen years later, they're more of a milky white colour. No one came near me. No one wanted anything to do with me. Lies and hateful words spill out of my mouth whenever I open them and I've learnt long ago than no one wanted these words, so I stayed well away from people, even those servants in my house, until eventually some rumour circulated about my death.

But Alois never turned the cold shoulder, he was a gift of the sun with golden locks and heart warming smiles. The whole village loved him. Alas, from when I was born, he’d be known as the Brother of the Cursed One. He was the only reason I felt sorry I was born. I was sorry that I ever came to be, not because of the lies I tell or the words I spit, but rather the reputation I gave him.

I didn’t like the fact that he had to bear with me, nobody does, not even mother or father, even some of his friends have started shunning him when they knew what his little sister was, but he didn’t seem to mind, he didn’t care about the lies I tell, or my strange eyes. He didn’t seem to mind me. And so, I grew fonder and fonder of him as time passed.

***


That was all two years ago. On the eve of my sixteenth birthday, the wind blew colder than ever; night seemed to fall faster than ever, embracing the land in darkness.

“It is all because of you.” Margaret, the old maid said. Her eyes bore down on me, accusing me, as if everything went wrong because of me.

“You rotten, old fag! You know nothing!” I said and stormed off, my black hair flicking in defiance behind me. I hadn’t meant to say that, I hadn’t meant to say the things I say, they just come out. I have no will or power over it. I can’t stop anything.

Without knowing it, I had walked straight to the back garden, where the fountain of the goddess Athena stood. Water streamed down from the corner of her eyes making her look like she was forever crying. It looked like something that came out of the Temple of Misery. It looked horrible on our back garden, I didn’t know why father kept it. Mother told me that no one wanted to buy it and it was a waste to throw it away. But I knew the real reason why father had kept it, he had kept it because it reminded him that there were people in greater sadness than he: Father of the Cursed Child.

It served as a reminder to me too, that there must be people in greater trouble than I, it might not be beautiful or even expensive, but I grew to like the ever crying statue.

The wind bit at my skin, I didn’t mind, it kept my mind away from everything else. I found that my gaze eventually drifted to the moon. The silver burning light in all of darkness. I didn’t know how long I stared at the moon, but I didn’t stop until I heard a footstep come from behind me. I turned, Alois.

His blue eyes drifted to the moon above. “What are you doing little sister?”

“Planning Margaret’s death.” I spat out.

He sighed. I know he hates it when I say things like that.

“Well then, care to hear what I’m doing here?”

Yes, yes, please tell! “No, why should I?”

He ignores it, “I was thinking…”

“I have no care for what you’re thinking!” I stormed off without saying another word.

I ran away, out through the front door of the house and into the park down the street. I took in a breath of fresh air. It was peaceful here. No one was around to bother me or give me strange looks. I rested my pale body against a tree and looked up to the sky. The moon shone bright and clear.

‘What did I ever do?’ I thought up to the moon.

The moon remained static and unanswering. Either the moon can’t hear my prayer or it didn’t want to answer it. The moon continued to stare at me coldly; I guess it just didn’t care.

I started back towards the house and arrived at my bed. I didn’t wish to do anything else but sleep. For now, the world seemed uncaring. I just wanted to disappear.

***


I was vaguely aware that I was in a dream. I was suspended in air, my black hair, spread out like a fan behind my head. The ‘air’ was like water, I can move around in it.

‘Aeterna’ a voice sounded. It seemed to be coming from everywhere at once. ‘Aeterna, my dear, your ‘curse’ is not a curse, but rather a gift.’

I didn’t understand, but I remained silent, knowing that whatever I say would probably worsen the situations.
‘A gift from Artemis. You have the Artemis’ soul.’


‘What good is that rotten old goddess’ soul?!’

‘Artemis has the gift of the hunt.’

‘And what good would the gift of the hunt be? I do not need the gift of the hunt! I need the gift of charming words!’

'Relax, my dear one. You have the gift of the hunt as no other have. You can hunt in the forest and be more powerful than men. As soon as you turn sixteen.

‘Whoever you are, you are wrong! I did not wish for the gift of the hunt!’

‘We’ll see, dear, we’ll see.’ The voice chuckled mysteriously.
Last edited by MiRaCLeS on Thu Aug 04, 2011 10:13 am, edited 7 times in total.
  





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Tue Jul 12, 2011 1:24 pm
BlackInk says...



Amazing! Loved it! SO well written. THe way you portrayed the characters was amazing. i got the feel that Midnight was a bitch but i felt sympathetic for her because she couldnt help it. THe words you've used, the thing with the 'curse' and the silver eyes made me relate to her situation. The way you introduced Artimes was well done too. Most people, in my end, could not lave it hanging like that. To turn it around near the end and leave it hanging, to be GOoD like that was is a rare talent i believe. I also really liked the way you contrasted between her and her brother. i believe your talent will take you far as you are quite skilled. Very well done, cant wait for part 2.

Black Ink x.
Black Ink. x.
---
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Tue Jul 12, 2011 3:15 pm
Fear257 says...



I found this to be a good begining to a story. There were a few things I think should be brought to your attention. The first is a spelling error in your fifth paragaph. I also noticed in that paragraph is the beginning of a sentence with the word "and". I took another look at the sentence before that. The sentences can be joined together instead of broken apart, or you can keep them apart and take out the "and". Pickyness aside, i found nothing wrong with it. It was a thoroughly enjoyable beiginning and I look forward to the next part.
No one ever said I can't be me... Well except for my eighth-grade class, but hey. No one ever gives a darn about what they say anyway.
  





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Sun Jul 31, 2011 9:09 am
writerwithacause says...



Yeah, I agree with everyone above me. This is a great beginning of a story! I liked the beginning very much, you've managed to get an interesting, captivating beginning and it made me want to know more about what's happening in your story.

Also, the way you describe Midnight is really great, so detailed and unique! :)

Your vocabulary is wide, and your grammar/punctuation is strong. Well done!
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Sun Jul 31, 2011 5:57 pm
confetti says...



And so, I grew fonder and fonder of him as time passes.

The only thing I wanted to point out was this - it should be passed. But it could have been a typo, the s is dangerously close to the d ;).

Mk, so. I really enjoyed reading this story. The words flowed so well, your writing really is lovely. I found that I didn't like the mc all that much, but I might grow to like her (I assume there will be more of this to come). I found that she complained about not being able to control her words more than she should have. Once was enough, and by the way she speaks, it is a constant reminder. The person I really loved was her brother. He's caring, although she doesn't deserve it, and I like the patience he keeps around her. All in all, this was very good! Cheers.
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
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Thu Aug 04, 2011 10:06 am
number32 says...



It's written really well but I couldn't connect with Midnight very well. I think you didn't describe her PERSONALITY enough, it might be because it's only the start of the story and we haven't explored with her. I love how you describe the setting, though, it really created a very good picture in my mind.
  








I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?
— Homer Simpson