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Young Writers Society


The Angel.



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Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:58 am
Kagi says...



She sits there.

Her hair a rich, chocolate colour, with hints of honey dripping down to the tips. It cascades in flowing curls down to her hips, where they sway at any little gust of wind. Each carefree wave is sprinkled with pinchs of white snow like pieces of forgotten cloud.They settle there before dissolving into nothing as if they weren't there at all. Her eyes, an ice-shattering shade of blue, the type you can't look at too long incase you freeze, mid-glance. They have a pure, cold, glittering light filtering through them, the kind that makes you wonder what she's seen in her life-time. Her eye-lashes, soft and tinted with mascara, frame them, illustrating the boldness of her eyes. She flaunts rougé lipstick, presenting her petite, plump lips. A smile tugs at the corner of them, as if remembering a joke that she heard and now, finally understands. She's pleasingly skinny, not the type that barely has a side profile. She's well dressed in a fluffy coat, jeans and brown boots. If I was asked what she wore best, it would be the content look on her face. She's so carefree, so un-phased by whatever anyone has to say. Her body is relaxed, brimming in silence, like someone has switched off her brain and only left the peaceful thoughts.

She sits there.

Perched on a wall, she lets her legs swing to and fro-swimming in her own perfection. She holds in her hand, a steaming cup of coffee. Every so often she blows into her cup and watches the ripples she created, flourish into something bigger until they finally disappear. Vapour evaporates from the thick, dark liquid, rising and settling on her nose, where it soon turns to water and trickles down the bridge until it drops to the bed of her lips and keeps travelling. Some vapour, rises past her nose and sails away, dissolving into the atmosphere. She's surrounded by people carrying bags, dragging moaning children and hauling boxes. She looks at each one, as if trying to figure out their life story. Her brow furrows, now dashed with crease lines. She's peering at a little girl. The child is wearing a dress, tattered and torn, with no sleeves and no warmth. Her teeth chatter and her hands skate up and down her arm in a fruitless attempt to get warm.
She watches some more,then closes her eyes-squeezing them tightly shut. Minutes pass and she does not move. She's eerily still.
The little girl is talking to an elderly women, the women; handing her a jacket,coated in fur. The child, reaches up, hooks her arms around the lady's neck and kisses her, muttering softly.Thank you.
Her eyes snap open and she smiles, then turns away as if to say; My work here is done, A miracle.

She sits there.

She tilts the cup and drains it of the coffee inside. A few drops escape and splash onto her coat, staining it. She swipes them away, then crushes the paper cup into a ball and stretches out her arm. She fires it through the air, then listens to the soft clang of the cup bouncing against the sides of the metal can. Her slender fingers begin to weave their way through each other as if racing in an unknown contest. Her lips curve upwards, smirking again. A blush creeps over her cheeks and settles there-She's thinking about someone. Her head drops slightly and for a minute, it looks as though she's fallen asleep. The wind blows furiously, grabbing pieces of litter and leaves, and tossing them all over the street. Snow scatters across the benchs and flutters on it's way down to earth. She clutches her bag and stands up, the kitten heel's she's wearing making a soft clack as she stands. Then she's gone. There one minute and gone the next.

Spoiler! :
I'm not really sure what this is. I wanted to concentrate on painting a picture with words. Focus on my imagery skills, my description. I suppose it was like an experiment, to see how well I can set a scene, and show it to others without physically showing them. I'd like your opinion on whether I did that or not. If not, I guess I'm back to square one.

I know, it's not the most interesting piece so I understand you getting bored but I'd appreicate some opinions on it. Is it confusing in the second paragraph? With the little girl and the women? Then, the She within it all?

Also, title suggestions? I'm not sure about the current one, at the minute.

Need comments on this, I'm not really sure about it! Thanks.
Got YWS?

If, when you mean to type yes you type yws, you know you belong. :P
  





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Sat Jun 25, 2011 5:07 am
tgirly says...



I like the title Angel because if it was anything different, the story wouldn't make any sense. If it wasn't Angel, then you'd think that she was just taking credit for the old lady's kindness. You did a good job with the imagery, however, you probably shouldn't have begun by describing her because it's not the most interesting beginning. I liked your voice through the poem. I don't know why, but even the beginning was haunting because of your voice. I like how you repeat she sits there. All in all, a good work.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:45 am
Dreamwalker says...



There was some definite imagery here, Kagi, and I do love imagery! So give you a thumbs up on that.

Walker here, with a review, as requested, and might I start off by saying that I did particularly enjoy the execution of this piece. Generally, short stories that don't necessarily have a plot sort of annoy me. I prefer reading something with not only flesh, but substance as usually you have a writer who can do one or the other but not both at the same time.

That being said, there were some things I would consider fixing about this piece.

1. Flawless

If you want to create a really accurate picture of someone, the best thing you could do is not only explain the goods, but the things that would also be seen as rather.. unattractive. Having perfect characters is boring and expected. When we read about the girl who is humble not because shes perfect but is humble because she has a small birthmark on her face that makes embarrasses her or makes her feel self-conscious. The kind of marks or points that dilute what we, as writers, want to create. No one ever wants to see their baby do something bad, but the reader does. It makes them more believable.

So, what I'm going to say is try and maybe counter this piece with another, if you don't feel like changing the aspect of her perfection. Maybe a piece explaining one who isn't necessarily aesthetically pleasing, but induces sympathy nonetheless. If you can create that, you are a writer.

Overall

There was an interesting voice to this. Some of the imagery was a little sloppy in areas, but nothing too overly 'meh', so I give you props on a well-executed piece of writing. Now take this idea and add it into actual prose. Do that and you will have my eternal adoration.

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  





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Mon Jun 27, 2011 1:25 pm
spiderman says...



Spiderman here. I probably won't be much help here.
I was a little confused by the story at first, but I reread it and it became clearer. The name angel is a bit cliche, but it fits the story. This peiece is colorful, full of vivid description and imagery. This piece is a poem or at least poem-like.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  





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Wed Jul 06, 2011 1:17 am
Shearwater says...



Hey there, Kagi!

Sorry for getting to this a little late but what can I do? xD (Be more punctuate, right? lol)
Anyway, here I am! Here to review. I notice that you mentioned this is a bit more of a descriptive piece so I'll try to keep my review on that side and possibly give you any hints and tips with description if I can. ^___^

Now, let's start off with the beginning. You describe her hair but it seems really weird, actually. Honey drops at the bottom? I feel like her hair is dyed a honey colored at the bottom. When we think of honey we think of this color:
Spoiler! :
Image

Now contrast it with this "chocolate color":
Spoiler! :
Image

Do you see the difference? So there was a bit of confusion with that. Make sure you stay constant with your descriptions.

Your description overall is pretty good, I'm glad you're comparing things here and there and giving an overall impression of this kind of 'serenity' or 'peace' I suppose is a better word for it. However, it was a bit boring to read, honestly. I liked it but I was bored because it was just nice words being put together without any real 'idea' behind it. When you write prose or something, there should be a meaning behind the passage that you're writing or at least something that speaks to the reader and gives them something to think about, something to remember but I didn't find anything in this.

You're on the right path here, you're doing good but you'll have to sharpen your senses and rack your brain a little so this isn't just pretty words but it has some meaning behind it too. Not just someone describing someone but giving off a feeling that wow, she really is an Angel. How are you going to that? Well, I don't really know. Perhaps give us some light into her soul or something. Right now, she seems too perfect and perfection is something I've noticed throughout your writing, actually.

We're not perfect. Period. Perfection is an illusion of the mind, nothing is perfect and perfection is in the eyes of the beholder right next to beauty. What we think is perfect might not be perfect to someone else. Let's remember Bob and Mary here. Bob was perfect, Mary was perfect, they had a perfect house and a perfect marriage and drove a perfect car and sometimes they'd take perfect walks down the perfect lake with their perfect dog - it's ridiculous, right? It's nothing but a dream and it's lame. Perfection is lame, in itself - actually perfection is boring and unattractive. Therefore you have to catch your readers with something un-perfect. I know I'm probably talking in circles here but hopefully you get what I mean! =D

Overall! You have the words down, as I said before but you'll have to work on the core of the passage and what it all means. Use the nice words to capture the reader and drop the "perfect". There's the challenge, lol.

Keep writing and let me know if you need anything else! Sorry again for being super-duper late! D:

-Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  








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