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The First Son - Chapter 1



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Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:02 am
SmylinG says...



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5 years later. . .


The loose wind from the storm outside thrashed about intensely, howling its intimidating rhythm in harsh tempo. John tossed once more onto his side, searching for the release of sudden sleep, but it wouldn't come easily to him.

Soon the rain came, accompanied by harsh thunder and the bright flashes of lightning. He wondered how Eli could be sleeping so soundly through it all when it kept him tossing and turning restlessly in unease. Then it occurred to him. With the loud rumble of the storm going on, he wouldn't be able to tell even if Eli were woken by it. He wouldn't hear his crying, or his tiny calls for daddy. Best to check on him to make sure.

With more energy than expected of himself at such late hours of the night, he stood up out of bed and began his way down the dark hallway and over to the open doorway of Eli's room. The flashes of lighting provided an immense amount of lighting through the windows of the entire home. He had little trouble finding his way in the dark, and he could easily make out all of the shapes of his son's bedroom.

He allowed his eyes a minute to adjust as he peered into the dark area where Eli's bed lay. Taking a few steps closer, he realized it was empty. Only rustled sheets and a bunched comforter lay in the place of where he'd expected to find his son. As his eyes wandered about the rest of the large bedroom, he met a small mass sitting in the light of the window on the wood floor, not too far off from where he was now standing.

"Eli," he whispered in a low voice.

He begun walking up to him. Though as he did, found himself making out the small sound of rushed whispers. He was sure they were whispers.

"Buddy," he again called to him, but the small boy was unresponsive.

As John neared closer, eager to have his son in his hands, he found himself attempting to make out the familiar sounds of the childish muttering. It seemed too familiar, but it was late, and he gave no further attention to what his son was whispering to himself. He looked scared, and that's all that worried him.

"Eli, what're you doing on the floor?"

The small child twisted around to meet his father's gaze as he had gently placed his hand upon his little shoulder.

"Hi daddy. ."

John reached down to lift his son up into his arms. "What's wrong, buddy? Did the storm wake you?"

Eli shook his head once at his father. A vague movement that John took assumingly as a yes. "Here, let's get you back in bed," he said quietly.

Instead of putting Eli back to sleep in his own bed, he brought him back to his room down the hall. Better to fall asleep together than alone. John always had better luck at drifting into subconsciousness if he had his son close in his arms. And the storm tonight was vicious. Something about it too unsettling to sleep through. It was the middle of August, and only in the state of Washington would there be rain.

                      
***


The morning greeted John with a startling brightness. And Linda, the house caretaker, had the smells of an early breakfast overtaking John's senses.

Was it some kind of occasion? he thought. She only bothered to do such an out-of-way thing when she was aware the day held a busy schedule for John. Otherwise, it wasn't exactly in the job description.

John's father had been the one to insist upon the help. He had always sensed a form of inadequacy in his son's small household. Without the teamwork of a spouse, John caved to the idea. Despite his love for independence, he knew Linda's help was much needed around the house.

He turned his head to the side to find that Eli had already woken and was no longer in the spot next to him. Glancing over at the silver alarm clock set on his nightstand, he could see it was only 7:00. Eli had always been an early riser to begin with though.

As he made his way down the hall, he could see Linda had taken care of laying out Eli's clothes for his first day of kindergarden without him. It was all sprawled out across the tiny bed alongside his backpack as John passed his bedroom. It must be the occasion, he thought, feeling guilty of himself. The weekend had been so busy thanks to his father and his new internship plans. He must have placed it in the back of his mind for too long.

His father, Tyler Mason, was a busy man. Proud owner of one of the most successful architectual firms in the area. He had John working just as hard, if not harder than him, since the day he was college aged. All in preparation for his son to one day take over his successful business.

He was sure today would be jam-packed with all sorts of insane expectations from his father. The only brighter side of it all would be having the pleasure of seeing his son off to his first day of kindergarden. He couldn't believe he was already five. Had it been five years already? It was a truth that which saddened John deeply. . . If only Eden could see how well off they both were. If only she could take in the stunning face of her little boy, like John had the pleasure of doing each day.

If only. I wish. Words John swore he'd stop allowing such corruption over his life. That part of his life was long over with now. He'd been reminded by many to move on from Eden. To focus on Eli alone. But it was easier said than done. Every time he looked into Eli's precious face, he saw remnants of his lost lover. . .

***


John had been right to assume his day would be hectic, but at least soon it would be coming to a close. It was 1:30, and his father knew his primary obligation was to pick Eli up from his first day at kindergarden. It was probably the only thing that could divert Tyler mason's attention away from being so tough on his son -the fact that John had his own to focus on as well.

"I'll work on the drafts you handed me tonight, don't worry," he muttered to his father as he quickly sauntered off.

"Do your best not to neglect your work, John. We'll need to have those a finished product by Wednesday. No later, understand me?"

"Yes, Wednesday."

Slowly but surely he'd made his way to his car. The fact that he might've left a little earlier than was needed didn't leave him feeling the least bit guilty. He knew his father could handle things with the other team members. After all, he was only an "intern" still.

He soon jumped onto the freeway. Eli's school was just a twenty minute drive down the way. Shoving his work thoughts aside, he was hoping his son had at least had a better day than himself.

When he arrived at the school he noticed other parents waiting around the kindergarden building's fence. Eager to fit in with the others, John hopped off the car and smoothly waltzed over to where the parents were all standing.

One lady glanced at him and smiled kindly. "I suppose it's all of our first day again, isn't it?"

John shrugged with a small smile. "I'm not the one who needs to learn his alphabet."

The lady laughed at his quick charm. She couldn't've been any older than her mid thirties, but John was still happy to be making small talk with another parent again. He hadn't since preschool last year. "Well, here's to waking up early again every morning for the next eleven or so years."

Her easy mood set John at ease. But as of the moment, he was just waiting patiently to see his son walk out with a smile pasted onto his face, proving his day had been much better than his own.

Soon the bell rang, and a wave of small children began pouring out of the building. All with large manila envelopes in their hands. John's eyes scanned the scattered blacktop for his blue-eyed, dark-haired child, but could not find him. The feeling of someone small brushing up behind his leg made him turn, but it was only another's little girl. He turned his attention to look back toward the small kindergarden building. At the doorway he then spotted Eli, and with a red-headed teacher standing closely at his side. John smiled big and waved lazily, expecting his meek little boy to come running to him. But there he stayed, with this puppy dog look.

The teacher placed a hand on his shoulder and waved gently at John to come forward. She was holding him after. But all the other children were free to leave home with their parents? He continued forward through the small gate to the kinderarden building where he met with the two.

"Hi, you must be Eli's father."

"Uh, John. . actually. Hi," he said while looking down paternally at his little boy.

"It's so great to meet you, I'm Ms. Lightner, Eli's kindergarden teacher." She reached her hand out for a warm shake hello. He took it politely.

Her smile was sincere, but John had trouble believing everything was fine by the way they were meeting. His gut instinct usually told him right.

"Yeah, I just came to pick him up. I'm assuming the day went well?"

He felt his hopes for his son having a better day than himself begin to disintegrate as Ms. Lightner invited him inside to have a seat and speak.

"It'll just take a moment, I promise," she said brightly.

"Sure, of course."

As they stepped the rest of the way inside, Eli took John's hand tight in his own. John looked down at him and smiled. "What's up, buddy?" The child's eyes were bright as he tugged down on his father's hand for his attention.

"Over here will be fine, we can just have a seat at one of the children's desks."

Ms. Lighter politely led the way and they both had a seat across from each other at one of the small tables. Meanwhile Eli still clung to John's fingers.

"Sweety, why don't you head on over there for a moment and play while I have a word with your daddy, alright?"

Quietly, Eli stepped away and over to a small bin of toys to play. John turned once again to meet the eyes of the teacher.

"So. ."

Ms. Lightner had put on her best smile for John. He couldn't exactly read her true expression though. Which would become bothersome he knew, if she wouldn't get to her point for speaking with him soon.

"I'm afraid we may have had a little. . -slip of the tongue."

John's expression furrowed at the brow line slightly. "Slip of the tongue? What do you mean?"

"I mean, Eli may have said something that I wouldn't normally tolerate in my classroom, or in any classroom for that matter. You see, children pick up on words very easily, and-"

"What did he say?"

There wasn't the slightest tinge of worry in his voice to the young teacher's surprise. John was entirely doubtful of any bad thing that could possibly come from his son's mouth.

"Well,. . . he said-" The teacher became quickly tongue tied in thinking of how to word herself right. "He may have used the "C" word, on another student."

"The 'C' word?"

Watchful of Eli's eyes, she discretely mouthed the word 'cunt' to John. Unexpectedly, he begun to laugh while shaking his head.

"Mr. Mason, I don't find those types of derogatory terms "okay" in my classroom."

"I'm sorry," he sincerely apologized. "It's just. . . -you know I don't think Eli would say something like that. He's never been exposed to any kind of curse words."

"Well, you know I-"

"And you say he 'may' have said this. What do you mean, did you hear him yourself?"

"Well, a student actually had come up to tell me that Eli had called her a bad word. Which of course had been a term she wasn't familiar with. I'm assuming you can infer that five-year-old's don't usually pick up on such words, so when she came up to me and had said that that was the word he had used, I believed her."

John turned to face his son once more. "Eli," he called, gaining the small boy's attention. "Could you come here, buddy? I want to ask you something."

Shyly he walked over, placing his head near his father's with affection.

"Did you say a bad word today?. . . Did you maybe say something to another little girl that wasn't nice?"

"No, daddy" he answered in his tiny voice.

"Are you sure?" He watched closely as Eli nodded his head, sure of himself. "He says he didn't say anything," he told the young teacher. "I hope you'll only believe me when I say my boy doesn't normally lie to me, Ms. Lightner."

The lady gave a small smile. "I suppose for now we can leave this as a possible miscommunication. I just felt it was my duty to at least inform you. Seeing as this is Eli's first day and I know you're obviously expecting the best for him."

John returned a smile sincerely as he brought Eli up onto his lap. "I'm sure this doesn't tarnish our parent/teacher relationship."

Ms. Lightner laughed gently before shaking her head no. "Of course not. It was a pleasure being able to meet you. I'm sure it won't be the last time."

"I'm sure it won't be," John laughed.

With that said, he reached a hand out to shake with Ms. Lightner's. Eli couldn't have seemed more eager to leave back home, for he left quickly without saying goodbye to his new teacher.
Last edited by SmylinG on Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:27 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.
  





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Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:24 am
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Dreamwalker says...



And I'm back, as requested of course! I'm always much more prudent when reminded of chapter updates ;D so I thank you for that!

Now, lets start off with a few things I generally liked about this chapter. Firstly, you show that tender love the father has for his son. Its not flat. Its not 'I love my son.'. Its this over-protective need, so I'm definitely glad you through in that first bit to the chapter if only for character developement's sake. If its foreshadowing than good on yah, but if not, I simply adore the idea of character developement.

Secondly, I would like to note on the fact that you add in smaller details which make for an interesting narration. Sometimes people forget those insignificant things that turn out to be significant for character developement like saying 'she never really made breakfast unless...' or the 'Darn, I keep getting caught up with work...' sort of moments. They make the narrative stronger and the character more believeable. We should always remember that nobody thinks of their cause 24/7. Its almost boring if that were the case.

Now, onto things that I think need a bit of tweaking;

1. Editing; the bane of my existance, too

Now, what was really apparent with this piece was the little grammatical errors that seemed to be filtering through. Just misspelled words or places that seem a little bit jumbled up. It happens to the best of us and shouldn't be taken all that seriously when it the first draft stage of writing so I'm not going to go all gung-ho with the grammar nazi within me. Its just something you should probably remember for future stages when you start fixing up or editing.

As I stated in a previous review, if you should ever need me to point out grammatical or punctuation errors, I should do so without complaint. I know that sometimes even I have trouble when it comes to spotting my own errors, so sometimes its nice to have somebody else pointing them out for me. Its really up to you, though.

2 The paragraph and all it entails (or doesn't)

Now I know you believe this piece to be on the shorter side but spreading a piece out to make it appear longer usually does not help the case all that much. You have quite a few fragmented paragraphs that contain maybe one or two sentences tops for quite a while. Paragraphs that, in all honesty, dont need to be separated.

So, heres what I want you to do. Take a look at the paragraphs you have and see if they can combine with the one above or below them when it comes to subject manner. Sometimes you will have instances where paragraphs are only one or two sentences long when it comes to novel writing, but in this case there were sharp drop-offs that weren't necessarily needed. That being said, here's an example;

The flashes of lighting provided an immense amount of lighting through the windows of the entire home. He had little trouble finding his way in the dark, and he could easily make out all of the shapes of his son's bedroom.

He allowed his eyes a minute to adjust as he peered into the dark area where Eli's bed lay. Taking a few steps closer, he realized it was empty. Only rustled sheets and a bunched comforter lay in the place of where he'd expected to find his son.


Though there is an obvious grammatical error here, I mostly want to state that these two seemingly small paragraphs could be, in all honesty, one. It would make the piece feel a little more fleshy instead of the quick, easier read it feels like now. Which brings me to my next point.

3 Flesh; Give this book a little boom in the back ;D

I'm not going to go too into description because I'm sure you already know what I was going to say about it. If not, read what I said in my last review and you should get a just opinion. What I want to talk about now is the chapter size.

Now, generally speaking, I'm not really one to care how long a chapter is. If it so happens to be one page on a word document than so be it. It happens. What I'm more into looking at it purpose or reasoning. Yes character developement and foreshadowing are great reasons to have a chapter, but something should ultimately happen in that chapter of which is somewhat more interesting than just a telling of events. More or less, I feel as if this is the starting of a chapter. Not the actual chapter in itself. You start us off with something kind of interesting but you just kind of end it before it even happens. That being said, maybe title this 'Chapter one; part one' if you are afraid the chapter length would be too long and too daunting for any reader to feel the need to actually try and review.

And anways, I personally love reviewing long chapters. It gives me something to do ;D.

4 Redundancy; Not as silent as we thought!

Now, there is a case where redundancy can happen in the amount of words you double in a paragraph but it can also occur in the way one may word a paragraph. For example;

Though as he did, found himself making out the small sound of rushed whispers. He was sure they were whispers.

"Buddy," he again whispered to him, but the small boy was unresponsive.


You use the word whispered quite a bit in these three lines, ne? Its this image of whispered, not the actual word, that is generally redundant, seeing as you used whispered twice for a repetitious effect, and the third time may have been a little slip-up on your part. That being said, the whole 'whispered' feel becames too strong of an image to ignore and the reader instantly picks it out in their mind. Its kind of hard to miss.

That being said, work on some of your repetitious images. Don't make them 'too' strong. Simply keep the repetitious effects strong but not over-powering and you'll have a lovely piece.

Overall

As much as I'm starting to get into this story, I think I prefered the first chapter over the second only because I felt as if the first chapter concluding. Like it gave me something. Like it told me something very important. There was character developement there as well but it was a little odd to look at in that sense. So, what I'm going to say is try and end this chapter instead of just cutting off like that. Tell us why its important that we should know its a big day for his kid to go to kindergarden. That overprotectiveness could easily come out in that sense and I'm very excited to see it happen, but I feel as if I should have been given the chance to see it now, you know what I mean?

Of course, I'm ranting a little bit which is never very pleasant to read... so I'm going to leave this on that note. Keep writing and keep shaping. I'll definitely keep reading and giving my take on it for as long as you should need it of me!

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S
  








The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec