Elephant
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 23 Oct 2005
Posts: 64
Reviews: 34
Country: EVERMORE
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 4:53 pm Post subject: |
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hmmm...I like it, as I am interested to read more.
Some nitpicks I found.
1.
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| part of her citys destruction |
- it should be city's
2.
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| their city and the people would die of starvation or surely would be massacred by the enemy. |
- their city, and the people...
3.
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| when they striked death spread quicker than a contagious disease, |
- when they struck death spread quicker than a contagious disease. Already...
4. from the stone wall and was helped
5. You are rushing things a little, I would atleast have more on the marriage and such.
It's nice though, I look forward to reading more.
-El-[/quote] |
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Boni_Bee
An old fashioned girl
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 493
Reviews: 262
Country: Australia
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:22 pm Post subject: Re: Black Mountain/Untitled |
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| As Nanli looked over the west wall she squinted her eyes in the poor light to see the Black Mountain, a thin misty fog clung around the city and torches had been lit at every guard post. The red flames of Black Mountain continued to erupt and sprays of molten rock shot up into the air and rained down to flow along the mountains side. On clear day she would have been able to make out the jagged surface but today the mountain was like a black shadow hidden from view behind a thin veil. |
Just a bit too much description here, although it makes a good picture. It just doesn't grab my attention, and if I was just reading this, I probably wouldn't have read any further.
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| Nanli turned to see a young archer with a scowl on his face. He wore a black gambeson with plate armour over it, a scabbard was hanging on his side and a quiver was strapped to his back. Nanli ignored him and turned back to the mountain, soon the city would be under attack and this was her last chance to look upon the very mountain that was going to be part of her citys destruction. It was unlikely for anyone to survive, the soldiers would die defending the people and their city and the people would die of starvation or surely would be massacred by the enemy. |
'He wore a black gambeson with plate armour over it. A scabbard was hanging on his side, and a quiver was strapped to his back.'
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| When they striked spread quicker than a contagious disease, already the cities of the west had been taken over by the foreign empire. Metanpel was the only city left in west, how could a city protect its people and fight the enemy? |
'When they struck, spread quicker than a contagious disease. Already the cities of the west had been taken over by the foreign empire. Metanpel was the only city left in the west. How could a city protect its people and fight the enemy at the same time?'
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| "Miss, you'll have to leave," the archer said. |
It needs a bit more emotion there.
'the archer said impatiently' etc...
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| Nanli sighed wearily and stepped away from the stone wall an was helped down by the archer. She walked along the battlement to the tower and ran down the stairs, once she was out in the street she frowned to see the man still watching her, she walked on until she came to familiar streets. |
Nanli sighed wearily, and stepped away from the stone wall. The archer helped her down. She walked along the battlement to the tower, and ran down the stairs. Once she was out in the street, she frowned to see the man still watching her. She walked on until she came to familiar streets.'
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| For once Nanli did not welcome the silence, usually the city would have been busy preparing for the coming winter. On the walls there were various graffiti, one caught Nanli's eyes: No Future, written in red paint against the sand coloured building. Nanli strode towards it and touched the wall, writing the words over with her fingers and muttering, "No future." |
'For once, Nanli did not welcome the silence. Usually the city would have been busy preparing for the coming winter. On the walls there was various graffiti. One caught Nanli's eyes: - 'No Future' - was written in red paint against the samd coloured building.'
This is an interesting story, and could go far. The opening paragraph, as I said, was not a good start, so perhaps a bit shorter description and more of an idea of her would be better.
There was a couple of spelling mistakes, and some punctuation probs. You included a lot of history in the one short chapter. I think more description of the city, and the preparations for battle would have been better than suddenly telling about the disasterous wedding day.
Anyway, good job, and I'd like to see more  |
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May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. |
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