Young Writers Society

I’ve been trying all night to kiss away your freckles
with every press of my lips to your cheek –
forehead, nose, arms, all over.
I even wasted what seemed a lifetime
in a fruitless attempt to rub away the constellation
that’s resting in the crook of your elbow.
The sun is getting close
and I’m scared that if it does dare rise,
your body will cease to reflect the stars
and the moon that is your mouth will fade away.
What then will I kiss?

Aww that's cute. Personally, I do have freckles and if someone wrote this to me, I'd be flattered. Good job!

Wow, I think you did a wonderful job! Very brilliantly wrote!!! The flow is nice and easy and your word choice makes it so simple yet amazing! Great work!

Hello there, I'm here as requested.

I really like this poem, but I feel like you could go on for a little bit longer then what you have right now, am I right? It's like there's not enough for us to actually get into it...

I even wasted what seemed like a lifetime
in a fruitless attempt to rub away the constellations

First off, I think it's better with the like in there, but it might just be me.
Secondly, was there just one bunch of freckles? Or more then that? By the way you portray him as a guy who as a lot of freckles, I would go with constellations.

I really like the poem, it was really sweet, and I don't think you made to much emphasis on the freckles. It was just enough.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Great poem!

I kind of love it when you mean it to be something then it turns out to be something else. Don't you?

Anyways, I saw no problems with the poem other than that the flow was a little weird. I think you could fix that by breaking up the one huge stanza a bit though, so, no worries.
Also, great job. You really got me into this poem by writing a great poem about something so ordinary as freckles (which I, too, have a lot of ), so that's great.

Wonderful job.

Keep writing,
Alzora

There is always time for friends and poetry

A good poem you have here and don't worry, I could tell it was about love as well as freckles. It's defineately a love poem, but the freckles metaphor makes it much more interesting. I like it. It would be cool if you played with the imagery a little more though. Here's some comments:

I’ve been trying all night to kiss away your freckles
with every press of my lips to your cheek –
forehead, nose, arms, all over. [Rather than list so many body parts, it would be better if you describe two or three in just a little more detail. Like: 'your buttoned up nose and your dimpled forehead']
I even wasted what seemed a lifetime
in a fruitless attempt to rub away the constellation
that’s resting in the crook of your elbow. [Beautiful image.]
The sun is getting close
and I’m scared that if it does dare rise, [Starting to sound a little archaic and not as fresh and clear as your other lines. Maybe try: 'and I'm scared that when she dares to rise,' ]
your body will cease to reflect the stars
and the moon that is your mouth will fade away. [I'm not sure quite how you got to this. Okay so freckles come out in the sun but shouldn't then the love be even greater since the freckles will be more evident and it's them you love really, right? I loved the constellation image and the sun being close and how it all links into freckles but I think here you're too far out on a tangent and I'm failing to follow you because there just aren't enough branches to get me there.]
What then will I kiss?

The ending is nice, simple and romantic. A good way to sum up the poem. Well I hope this helps you somewhat and thanks for the read, I enjoyed it

Heather xxx

This is good! I have a lot of freckles, and I thought this was really pretty, and cute too! You did well, and it doesn't emphasize the freckles too much, it was the perfect amount. Great job!

Lileh! Please forgive, I'm so rusty with both poetry and reviewing, but I'll do my very best.

I’ve been trying all night to kiss away your freckles D'aww!
with every press of my lips to your cheek –
forehead, nose, arms, all over. I agree with Kitty. The list rather detracts from an otherwise nicely flowing poem.
I even wasted what seemed a lifetime
in a fruitless attempt to rub away the constellation
that’s resting in the crook of your elbow. Beautiful<5
The sun is getting close I feel like closer would seem more urgent and thus add more to your poem. Also, I think that here there is a separation from the beginning of the poem. A switch from freckles and body parts to celestial things. This would make a lovely image, but find a way to make it connect, something more along the lines of those aforementioned "constellations."
and I’m scared that if it does dare rise,
your body will cease to reflect the stars
and the moon that is your mouth will fade away.
What then will I kiss? Simple, sweet ending.

Lily, your choice of words is simply beautiful and I am always awed by your talent. I definitely could tell that this was about love.
As I have nothing more to say, I will now just acknowledge your brilliance.

This was really good! I love how you took something as normal as freckles, and turned it into something so beautiful and romantic.
And like halogirl4197, I have freckles, and if someone wrote this to me, I'd be so flattered too!
- Really good job!

I think it works a lot as a poem about love. I mean, of course it's about freckles, but I think some people can write just about a basketball and it could turn into a love poem. The detail to the freckles seems like the narrator is paying close attention to the person, and that they have a lot of emotions built up inside them for that person. Worry that the sun will rise, that the moon will disappear, that this thing won't last forever. Then there's the obsession with the freckles. But I think it really works well as a love poem.

I dunno, I just have this love of freckles myself, lol. I always wished I had more freckles than I do. And it's such a funny word, isn't it? But I think you did a really good job with this. I liked it a lot. So much so, that when I post this, I will go press the like button and read the poem again.

Hi, My name is Hayley and I will try to review this!

First thing, I loved this, I really did. I enjoyed the comparism between the stars and freckles. Very clever imagery!

I wish it would have been longer, have you thought about extending it? You needn't extend it a lot, just maybe another stanza, like a conclusion.

Sorry for my lame review,

HAHA! I just realised I read the title wrong..I thought it said freckles as it "Freck-less" like reckless..I am just an idiot!

Hayley x

damn boy yo make me wish i had freckles!! this is a sweet and beautiful. the flow was nice as was what u were using in comparison to her and her feckles. and the name for ur poem was cute. will u chck out a poem just posted? its under narrative poetry and the name is nothing friendly, nothing pleasant