Topic ID: 5608
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VoLcOlYrO
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 23 Oct 2005
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Country: cali
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 Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 10:33 pm Post subject: Mistake |
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We all make mistakes
That's what makes us human,
And we don't always win,
So don't use that pin.
There's always the storm before the calm.
Remember that.
:chorus:
What mattered before doesn't matter anymore!
I thought I could win,
But alot of good that did me.
There could of been a chance between me and you,
But people still think Nessy's alive too.
You always seemed like the greatest guy ever.
I guess it's time to say goodbye forever.
:chorus:
I really wish it could've worked out between us two.
I wonder if you think the same too.
Like i always say: I can't always win.
Maybe I'll get lucky next time.
What mattered before does it matter anymore?!
I'm so confused now,
And i don't know what to do.
I need someone to trust now.
How about you?
((when I wrote this song i hated the guy then throughout the song it started changing and i fell in love with him again, but i don't think i ever really didn't love him. I think i was just tired of everyone saying it wouldn't work out)) |
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we all know you wanna kiss him....go ahead see what happens when you do...do you know what it feels like to loose a friend? you will soon.
"to die will be an offly big adventure" PeTeR pAn |
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Guest
Age: 15
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:16 am Post subject: |
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| come on guys will someone please give me some advice?? |
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Firestarter
rear-admiral of the RED
Site Admin
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:27 am Post subject: |
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We all make mistakes
That's what makes us human
And we don't always win ----------> cut the "and".
So don't use that pin
There's always the storm before the calm
Remember that.-----------------------> restructure these last two lines, awkward. I'd suggest "Remember there's always calm/before the storm."
:chorus:
What mattered before doesn't matter anymore! --------------> nice line.
I thought I could win,
But alot of good that did me. -----------> followed by two terrible lines. Find something else to use.
There could of been a chance between me and you,
But people still think Nessy's alive too. -------------------> Oh god. You've truly fallen now.
You always seemed like the greatest guy ever.
I guess it's time to say goodbye forever. ------------> Almost good, if it wasn't so cringe-worthy.
:chorus:
I really wish it could've worked out between us two.
I wonder if you think the same too.
Like I always say: I can't always win.
Maybe I'll get lucky next time.
What mattered before does it matter anymore?!
I'm so confused now,
And i don't know what to do.
I need someone to trust now.
How about you?
(the rest of this just degenerates into pretty much rubbish. You started okay, the first line of the chorus was great, then it disappeared. Hang on to the good stuff, delete the rest.) |
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and if you promise to stay conscious
i will try and do the same
yeah, we might die from medication
but we sure killed all the pain |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
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Posts: 3157
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Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:33 am Post subject: |
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One question: who is Nessy?
One statement: generally when a piece requires an explanation at the bottom, there's something missing from the actual writing.
One comment: having the line "Time to say good-bye forever" and the line "I need someone to trust / How about you?" in the same piece without that much transition time seems... odd. |
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The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
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backgroundbob
Arcade King
Speaker of the Forum
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 2:08 am Post subject: |
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Nessy! Everyone knows Nessy!
Heh.
Well, it's either his girlfriend or the Loch Ness Monster. I'm gunning for the latter. |
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The Oneday Cafe
though we do not speak, we are by no means silent. |
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Melodie
Senior Writer
Age: 21
Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 113
Reviews: 26
Country: USA
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| Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 1:11 am Post subject: |
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| Duskglimmer wrote: |
One question: who is Nessy?
One statement: generally when a piece requires an explanation at the bottom, there's something missing from the actual writing.
One comment: having the line "Time to say good-bye forever" and the line "I need someone to trust / How about you?" in the same piece without that much transition time seems... odd. |
it means throughout the song they fell back in love with the person didn't you read it? |
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"Sorry I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot." Oscar Wilde |
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VoLcOlYrO
Junior Writer
Gender:
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Joined: 23 Oct 2005
Posts: 21
Reviews: 12
Country: cali
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 4:33 am Post subject: |
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| Melodie wrote: |
| Duskglimmer wrote: |
One question: who is Nessy?
One statement: generally when a piece requires an explanation at the bottom, there's something missing from the actual writing.
One comment: having the line "Time to say good-bye forever" and the line "I need someone to trust / How about you?" in the same piece without that much transition time seems... odd. |
it means throughout the song they fell back in love with the person didn't you read it? |
exactly what you said melody oh and i cant believe you don't know who nessy is!!! |
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we all know you wanna kiss him....go ahead see what happens when you do...do you know what it feels like to loose a friend? you will soon.
"to die will be an offly big adventure" PeTeR pAn |
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