Repose

I needed it…the arrival of winter. It wasn’t time though, yet I wanted its onset.

Forever in life I have carefully pampered my wants above my duties but how I went beyond that rule in one case I don’t understand.

Like the silent snowfall on the valleys I enjoyed this fall of mine from who I was to who I made of myself.

In the pretty game of life I had loved to fight, go against the rules and remain on the run…but today there’s no one to chase me, and that makes me weary.

I could see the sick flakes of snow accumulate everywhere-on the streets, the gardens, the roofs but how does it matter when your heart itself has sunk beneath too many layers to sit and search for anything at large.

I was staring vacantly outside looking for something that I did not know of, when I heard a screeching sound from inside my bedroom.

The fact that, I knew what it was made me all the more reluctant to cast a glance. It all is so repetitive; blunt-without a change but every time it demands attention. With a deep sigh I went inside the room, and yes, it was him. The man was trying to get on his wheel chair alone, without my help.

This guy-middle-aged, lacking anything exciting, or at least feel good about him has been the only question in my life for sometime. The biggest and the toughest question being- did I ever know him? He today is no more than a stranger…a troublesome stranger. I stay with him; still he’s the third person in my life, a nameless existence, a breathless shadow.

“ Again!” I murmured, disgusted seeing his idiocy. He looked at me with scared eyes. Then, trying to appear normal to hide his guilt, he smiled unnaturally, making room for the frustrated frown to take the hold of his face soon after. This regular drama doesn’t even annoy me anymore. For the last seven years, I have seen it seven million times. His trials to do something independently to help or surprise or impress me but failing each time and hurting himself. Yet, he is stubborn and though I have lost hope in all that, he continues on. I agree, that his position is worse than mine and I can never bear his pain but it is true that I tried my best at whatever I could do. For once I have taken care of my duty.

But he seems to believe that, it all is his right and nothing I do satisfies him, and least of all my advice and suggestions. This makes my life tougher. He behaves as though, that I stay with him is my fortune and I was destined to spend those snowy evenings dedicated to him. He is so selfish at times. That evening he did all that farce only to grab my attention, like a lover who’s jealous of even the little balls of snow, if his date concentrates more on insensate flake instead of him.

I had never known what’s possessiveness before staying with this man. Because my lover, the only man in my life before, was far from all that- my lover Karan. On such snowy evenings I recall my rich nights in Delhi, cool and beautiful.

A beauty that was mine sometime back and today its never to be. In fact, memorising them is like drowsily calling up a seen dream, and unwinding it, at a slower pace to suck the maximum juice out of it. I today can’t even reminisce the zest, the quest and the temper I had then. It all was so natural then, but today when I look back I feel I was brave. And today though the time isn’t ripe, yet, the courage of youth has suspiciously vanished from within me.

It definitely took guts, for a girl of seventeen, to leave her hometown Bhubaneshwar for Delhi, without parent’s approval, to study there out of scholarship, and vouch to never be back home, (while eventually visiting them every three-four months!).

Then I knew what I wanted, and followed my free will. And I believed I would get everything I desired, at any cost. A winner of all bets by hook or crook, I loved the way I was living.

It was during that period that while a journey to Bhubaneshwar from Delhi that I met Prith as a fellow passenger. It was a coincidence really that, I talked with him.

I usually love to keep quite during a journey. But that day, I had got a ticket of the upper berth in the train. I was really afraid to climb up. At night, seeing my apprehensiveness to get up, he asked me, if I would like to exchange my seat with his lower berth. Though, I am usually rude or cool to such strangers, especially young guys of almost my age, yet the need was mine, and I decided it was better to get out of the closet of pride and arrogance, instead of spending a sleepless night in the upper berth!

That’s how we talked.

But after that, out of courtesy, I had to smile at him, whenever we looked at each other. He was too affable to be avoided. His amazing sense of humour, his polite nature made the long hours of the journey really pleasant. He was so different from me yet felt alike. I came to know, he was a student-cum-professional from Delhi, and knowing that I was a first year student in Delhi, with no relatives, or friends’ around-he gave me his mobile number while parting. I took it; knowing full well I won’t ever call him up, and like so many others he would pass on to the crowded seat of sweet strangers, residing in oblivion, in our lives.

Karan on the other hand, was a senior in my college and, he had a fetish for well…ragging! At least that’s what he told me, when introducing himself. I met him in a strange fashion.

I was coming to the college, with my roommate in the flat, I had rented near the college, when, she while speaking of something uttered the phrase-“the college is at a stone’s throw from here”. I don’t know what caught me, I said-“ok then throw a stone from here and lets see if you are right!” there in, it became a challenge for us and we decided whoever won, would be awarded a chocolate by the other! I was sure she wouldn’t be able to prove her point!! And she didn’t; but something worse came of it.

The stone she threw hit a guy riding a bike to the college campus. The guy didn’t say anything then, but post fresher’s welcome, he was all for taking the revenge by ragging me! He called me from amongst the class. He tried to put on a haughty senior look but severely failed as the frown on his face made him appear cuter!!

Then after a while he asked me to propose any of the senior guys present there for a date, as a part of the ragging. For a moment I was embarrassed. Not knowing what to do, I bluntly proposed him! The way I did it, awestruck him completely, and yeah in a way, he felt insulted! Later I came to know his friends would be teasing him day and night about the incident for months, which was why he avoided me always. This guy was Karan.

Honestly speaking, I liked him from day one itself and would be indeed sad, when he never even said, as much as a dry ‘hi’ to me! But whenever in front of him, I would make it a point to behave arrogantly.

Still not four-five months old in Delhi, suddenly my landlord ended my contract with him, so one fine day I was out of accommodation, and listless as to what to do next. My roommate had a wonderful solution for herself! She told her friends to look for an apartment for her, and while it wasn’t ready she left for her hometown, taking a holiday for herself.

But I could not follow the suit, because first of all I had a project to submit in two days in college, besides for the nth number of time I had fought with dad, over the phone, last night for more pocket money and when he refused I told-“ I wont be coming back home, ever!”

Though like him, I knew the resolution would break soon, yet at least for 48 hours I needed to sustain my prestige and show some firmness with my vow.

Not knowing what to do, I started searching my cell phone’s contacts for a potential messiah and the number of Prith more than sweetly appeared on the list.

Finally Prith arranged for a paying guesthouse, quite far off from college, but that was the best I could have in a few hours time! I shifted in immediately.

Even he stayed in the same guesthouse and informed me that someone else from my college stayed there as well. It was in the evening that I found it was none other than Karan.

To my surprise, in fact, Karan was rather friendly there; perhaps because none of his batch mates were there to record his steps! But I bonded more easily with Prith.

He was much more easy-going than Karan. He thought less and spoke out his heart. He was so clumsy-just like me! Another similarity he shared with me was that, he was shopaholic. He would buy anything and everything he liked; from candles to chocolates, from coats to drinks…just whatever! even as he did not have anyone to shop for!

I mean- he did not have his parents or any relative. He was orphaned before he was conscious enough to know what was happening!

I never realised all that until he told me about his life. It came as a surprise totally since by default we humans associate some image to a particular kind of people, that is, we always figure orphaned people to wear mourning, or be disinterested in life. Prith did not fall into any of the categories.

He was fun loving, and indeed had the capability of making others happy. That’s the reason why I at times felt as though he was the guy for me, sometimes concluding that I perhaps love him, then giving up the dilemma, and enjoying life as it came!

Prith have had a strange life. His expenses were taken care of by some unknown NRI, through an NGO, that had brought him up. He was preparing for the management entrance test at that time, besides working with a multinational company’s BPO sector.

Karan, Prith and I were good companions, but I don’t really cherish a vivid memory of three of us together. Most of my memories of association with Karan, during those initial days when Prith was with us, is either in the bus coming back or going to college or at most in the college canteen; while back in the guesthouse, Karan preferred to study or read books, or practice music, the party frenzy of the metros caught me completely, as I came from a relatively small town. And Prith would partner me at that. We had a record of coming back at midnight, after late night discotheque ventures, and then we would give Karan a missed call to open the main door, because our landlord would be sleeping like dead by then!

It was during my second year that Prith got through the entrance test. He admitted himself in his ‘dream institution’, in a different city.

It was then that I faced the reality, that he had no feelings for me, more than just a friend! I initially felt left out, and would miss him, but truthfully speaking, even the best of poets could not give me the tag of a lovelorn lass, which meant that I too was not in love with him. He was special but, not the only special person in my life!

When after getting back from college, I saw the empty room of his, I felt like running back in time. I missed him particularly during the dull lonely evenings, when I had nothing to do.

One such night, I was completely frustrated with the dinner served to us at the guesthouse and desperately felt the need to do something.

Karan had still not come down for the dinner, so I went up to his room straight-“ its horrible, this dinner, god! I am going out to dine will you come with me?”

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“ Just wherever! Come on!”

He thought for about two and a half seconds and then concluded “ Um…yes”

That was the first time, and after that I have heard this “Um…yes” expression from him at every juncture, to questions like-

“ Will you teach me music?”, though in 3 days he must have regretted as to have a student like me and that’s the reason why he must have told me to give up; “ Will you be my partner for the prom?”, this time I went on to realise how much my choice for the dance partner was wrong, he could not match a step, that he was looking good in the brown suit-the dress code for the night, was the only saving grace!; “ will you help me out in the project presentation?”, he proved to be simply awesome at creative works while I was unparalleled in destructive jobs; till I asked “do you love me?”

Finally I was in love and without a confusion…. Or rather I should say ‘we’ were in love without doubt!

Falling in love was wonderful, but there was a strange longing for something all the time. I loved him even before proposing him but still that, we both felt alike, was so much more meaningful.

I can still feel my excitement, when he first kissed me and then me moved out of the guesthouse to rent an apartment and stayed together. The past appears as dream, and startles me to think that I ever lived it all. We were not committed to each other; neither were responsible, but simply lived with each other, as we could not live without!

I loved him and he loved me and that’s all. And we were free and happy.

My, of course, parents did not know of this. Few friends from college knew and they were not bothered at all about what we did in our bedrooms, till we gave them the sufficient time their friendship demanded.

Karan, I knew have had girlfriends before me, and that did not bother me, even he was not questioning about my past or my present. In fact owing to the fact that he was more responsible and mature as a person, made our relationship rather stable, while it did not have the reasonless bindings and forceful inequality of a marriage!

Two years later, as a bundle of surprise, Prith came back to Delhi, and got in touch. He was very happy for us, and happier for himself, because even he was in love with his professor’s daughter, a PhD holder in economics, and four years older to him. Karan’s and my, his and Somali’s relation had something in common-both were against the common norms of the society! And we did not care!

Prith’s advent back to my life was a blessing, I thought, because at that time-Karan was working really hard for his placement and jobs, so as usual, I was out of company, and this time Prith filled in.

Of course, we did not have as much spare time as before, since Prith was working full-time, but yet, meeting twice or thrice a week wasn’t a big deal!

He would show me loads of Somali’s photos that he had in his cell phone cam, so even before I met her on the New Year eve I knew her!

Meanwhile Karan got a job in US, while I, failed to clear the scholarship test of the college, whereby I would be sent to a foreign university. Definitely again, he could not reject the job that he got, I could not leave my studies mid-way! It would take at least more than a year for me to get there. Amidst all the confusion we kind fell apart!

We as per the terms of our relationship could not demand anything of each other or ask anything at all. One thing was true we could not be with each other, so the question was could we do without one another?

Karan was a habit for me, and for him, I was an addiction but, we had got everything we had wanted, so there was no longing, or pang associated with love at all!

His soft arms gave me a shelter, and my eyes lead him to the beauties of the world, that’s how he had analysed it. But in spite, of all these I was quite idealistic about this whole episode. At my heart, I was hardening myself for the future, as I did not want to be the obstacle in Karan’s life forever, and yet I was not large-hearted enough to wait for him forever. I wanted him, and couldn’t surpass my need. The association I had for the last 2 years had become my lifestyle, the future, which until then had appeared strong and subject to my will, suddenly appeared bleak. Was I losing hold?

New year was to come, I hoped, with something new indeed for us. Prith invited us to the party, where Somali would come as well, but this time around like ever before Karan came out with some excuse not to attend the party. Like the way, I had allowed him to smoke, even when, I hated it, I allowed him to do as he wished. In fact, I always knew he was capable of penning a book-‘101 excuses to miss a party!’

I clearly remember the night; the night that was to change everything in my life and answer all my questions.

Somali was a dusky, gorgeous lady. She was a bit unmatching for Prith, I felt but nevertheless she was interesting. In fact while I felt quite uncomfortable, due to Karan’s absence, being perhaps one of the few partner less gals on the block, Somali was a relief! I had a blast.

At midnight Karan surprised me with a call. Some rocking dance numbers set the night on fire completely.

After dinner, almost at 2 am, we left the open-air party. I insisted on driving Prith’s new car, that he’d got from his office. Nothing significantly comes to my mind about the driving episode, except for the sudden losing of control of the steering. At a high speed, I could see the car heading towards an accident, Prith and Somali were perhaps absorbed in some other thoughts as they did not even panic, I don’t know what happened, but following my reflex, I just slowed down the car, opened the door, jumped off, without even calling them out.

The next thing I knew was that I was in hospital. I had a fracture in my hip,but it wasn’t as serious as the case of the rest of the party. Prith had serious injury, a brain injury…and Somali was dead!!!

When Karan broke the message to me I was blank. The first words I had uttered were-“ I killed Somali!”

Ever since, I have been followed by that guilt, and I have been on the run, not from anyone else, but myself. Though it was just an accident according to law, but the judge in me sentenced me to be guilty.

For a week I couldn’t get over the shock. Somali and the party, the night and then my silly fault…how could I forget that!

I was in a crisis but a strange faith was working in me, that Karan will come up with some miraculous solution to all these; though now I realise, it was foolish. He was just another human being like me; he was beside me, supporting me, taking care of my needs. But what else could he do?

But at that point of time I was neither in a mood or position to ponder on anything philosophically. I felt as though he was not ready to share my guilt, as though he was running away…somewhere. And the day I returned from the hospital and found Karan’s passport and visa lying on his shelf, I thought I knew where he was running away… to US.

Forever, I had suggested others to be practical during crisis, and independent; but myself, unconsciously turned to him for support every single moment, he must have done his bit but I felt insecure. His idea of independence, that was so great to me one time, took the shape of insecurity.

Prith was still in the hospital; he was monetarily supported by the NGO. I felt so small, when I considered that-if I had warned them, they could have saved themselves, like I did. And even after all these I did not have enough capacity to support Prith financially.

I could not ask my father for money because they had come to know of my relation with Karan, and this was a big blow. So when he said I knew dad was to seriously cease maintaining any relation with me. I had my scholarship, and now it seemed I needed to get some part-time job.

One such night, I saw a nightmare that I was killing Somali with a knife…I woke up,and found Karan was fast asleep. His face was quite and a calm masked his closed eyelids. He must have been dreaming- God knows of what…I never came to know if I figured in it…

His peace of mind disturbed me.

Therefore, next morning when I came to know of Prith’s limb’s paralysis, I took five seconds to decide what I wanted. The only way I could repent for my fault, I felt, was to stay with Prith forever. Especially because, he had no one else in his life. Karan did not object, he gracefully walked out of my life, but made sure he never had any contacts with me again. He’d said-“ I am not great enough to share my love…”.

Seven years have passed, now I am a consultant at a private firm in Mussorie. And the man I am living with is none other than Prith. But with time, both my sense of guilt, and want has faded.

We did not marry, because besides the paralysis, he also suffered from depression. And yes, he was not the man I had known, he had changed. Now he gets irritated with me easily, he tries to kill himself, get rid off my help. And I…

The snow keeps on falling, like my ever-moving life, unstable…I feel like dying, I feel like leaving, I feel like hiding myself…the way Prith feels.

He believed, I did all these out of sympathy! Some times he says –“ you would anyways split with Karan, you used me as a cause…then why should I share your guilt?”

I know he feels guilty within as he thinks he’s the cause of our break up, and like one day I had tried to run away and recover my faults…he tries to do that by trying to move out of my life.

But I have realised once done things can’t be undone…once guilty you can’t be proved innocent then why repeal to life? It only turns life a bit bitterer.

But all these while I had once strange queried to life…what about Karan, am I guilty to him as well? Why did not he ever come back, or stopped me from taking the plunge…why did he go?

A week ago I had gone to Delhi for some work. I had to receive a delegate, for a seminar, so I went to the airport. I was waiting at the waiting room, when suddenly someone familiar stood in front of my eyes. He hadn’t changed much; except for his dressing sense- he was wearing bright colours unlike himself! It was Karan.

We greeted ach other, formally. Asked about each other’s health. He asked about Prith. He was about to ask something more, when suddenly out of some desperateness of yester years I asked-“ why didn’t you get in touch all this while?”

He was as calm as ever when he answered-“ I did not have your contacts.”

The flight,I was waiting for,had arrived and I was about to leave, when I took out a pen and said “ you can have it now”

“Where do I write, I don’t have my cell with me, or a paper”

I looked around for a while.“On your palm”

He said-“Um…yes” and lent it out. After a long time I heard that phrase from him.

I wrote. His palm had hardened a little, from what it was, but felt the same.

I left.

He hasn’t got in touch till date but still; I felt I had seen the picture of my desired repose in his eyes…