Young Writers Society

Unity

There it was again. It draped the north wall, proudly declaring “Unity” in large block letters and was emblazoned with the names of all the junior and senior high girls from each Sunday school class. “We're all in this together!” it seemed to say; “We're one in Christ!”
I remember the girl from my class diligently working to piece together that sliced up banner as the rest of us stood watching her valiant struggles. I remember that night when we all came together, repaired broken friendships, spoke to people we would never have ordinarily noticed, and (some of us) talked long into the wee morning hours, learning so much more about each other than we ever have otherwise known. I'd felt it that night – unity – and I knew things would be different from now on.
I glanced around the room again. There were the junior high girls – some of them, at least – near the back wall, sipping their hot chocolate and chattering excitedly. I frowned a little in disapproval as my sister walked over to her “group,” passing a quiet blonde girl standing against the wall. Along the south wall, a few chairs and tables were occupied by animated, laughing high schoolers, mostly juniors and seniors, discussing all the latest gossip and the most recent “outing” they had been on together. It was just too bad that there wasn't enough room for that boy; You know, the “big” one. He just simply couldn't fit, so he sat a few yards behind them, watching with longing eyes. In the dark corner between my seat and the junior high girls' table, a thin, pale, dark haired girl from my grade leaned against the wall. She doesn’t go to school here, so no one really knows her very well, and she's quite, so that's really no help.
As I looked back down at my lap, my youth pastor came up the stairs.
“Smile,” he said. “A real one!”
I smiled, as expected.
A quiet voice, “how are you?”
The foreign exchange student sat down across from me with a gentle smile.
“I'm fantastic,” with an answering grin. “You?”
“Senior high, to your classes!”
I got up, taking my coffee and hugging my Bible close. I followed my class, walking as slow as I felt at all comfortable in an effort to lag behind, allowing everyone to reach the room and choose their seats before I did. I walked into the room, holding the door for the last girl – the one from my business class. She's new this year, and doesn't know very many people here, so she and I sat down along the far wall. The rest of the girls, as customary, sat on the other two sides of the room.
My Sunday school teacher came in, sat down in the front of the small, cozy room, and asked almost cheerily, “So, what have you all been up to this week?”
Lively chatter ensued, accompanied by laughter and comments. I watched. Sometimes I say something, but too often, my delivery is a bit flat, and it gets a little quiet when I talk – at least, when someone notices; so I just watched and laughed at their stories.
After the week's “church-friendly” fun had all been told, class started. Per the usual, the lesson was quite well-planned. I had some thoughts that I really think might have been beneficial, but the really important ones were also a bit lengthy and I knew they didn't want to listen to someone like me, so I just tried to condense my thoughts into short, succinct quips. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't, but this particular morning it seemed to suffice.
After the lesson, we got up and stood in a circle to pray before we left.
“Would anyone else like to dismiss us?” Our teacher queried with a pleading glance around the circle.
“I will!” I almost piped up. No, Reality admonished, You've talked much too much today already.
“Alright, I guess I will again,” she said reluctantly. But every request weighed heavy on my heart, and every word she said was silently echoed. As we all began to disperse, most lingered a little, chatting and slowly making their way down the hall. I didn't know what to talk about with them, and I really had no established repertoire, so I went straight for the stairs passing that banner on the way. It looked a little bleak on that bare wall in that empty room.
Unity.
I reached the bottom of the stairs and turned towards the sanctuary. An older couple walked in front of me, hand in hand. I was nearly late for service and they were slowing me down considerably, but I didn't mind.
I reached the sanctuary and started to walk down the center isle. All the senior high kids were sitting in the front three or four rows on the left side. Well, most of them, anyhow. The girl with the dark hair and the one from my business class sat with their families, as did the “big” boy. But that's where they always sat; it was their choice. I sat with my father in our customary place – almost with the kids from the youth group, at the edge of the fourth pew. I glanced around, looking for my sister, but she and her friends were still gallivanting about the church.
The teens in the front pews were joshing and jostling, and I giggled quietly at their antics.
“What are you laughing at?” one of the guys turned around with a laugh and a smile.
“Hi!” another one waved at me as he sat down. A girl further down their pew smiled a “good morning” at me as well, so I knew at least a few people knew I was there.
My sister finally came in at the last moment, flanked by her entourage, and sat down a few rows behind us. I could hear them laughing and talking, and I thought of that quiet blonde. Where is she? I wondered.
I looked at that gaping, empty space in the pew ahead of us. Somehow, it just seemed as though it shouldn't be there in the midst of the chatter and motion of the teens around it, but it couldn’t be helped.
As the service started, we all rose to shake hands with those around us, still talking and laughing. I shook the hand of a middle-aged woman behind me. I waited to see if anyone my age would shake hands with me, but no one really seemed interested, so I stood and waited for the director to start the service.
Across the sanctuary, I caught a glimpse of the blonde girl. She wasn't sitting with my sister's group, as most of the girls her age were; she found a seat in the back corner across the sanctuary.
The service began. The congregation sang, my youth pastor prayed for the upcoming mission trip, and a little boy was baptized.
As the coir left the balcony and the pastor ascended the steps, I glanced around the congregation. The brunette was looking in the direction of the other kids our age. I caught her eye and flashed a smile; she almost smiled back. The choir director and his wife, a middle-aged couple, sat down behind us. He put his arm around her and she scooted closer.
The pastor began his sermon. As always, it was quite interesting and his message was good. About two thirds of the way through the service, I heard a sound from across the sanctuary; I turned my head just in time to see the blonde leave the sanctuary. It made me just a little sad, but I don't think anyone else noticed.
As he finished his sermon, the pastor gave an invitation and the offering was taken. The kids in front of me snickered and whispered. Then we sang a last song and we were dismissed. I headed straight for the doors, as there was no reason for me to linger. Out in the hall, I saw the blonde girl sitting on a pew that served as a bench, looking forlorn. “How are you?” I asked, mustering a friendly smile.
“Fine.”
It was a lie, and we both knew it; but I knew she didn't want to talk to me, especially at this particular moment.
“Good!” I played along, but I tried to sound sympathetic.
My dad made it out of the throng, and we waited for my sister to emerge. Eventually she did, and we headed to the van. As we got out to the parking lot, two guys raced each other to their respective cars, lanyards flapping in the wind, their loud guffaws ringing across the parking lot. Two girls from my class climbed into one of their cars and pulled out.
I climbed into the back seat of our van while my sister triumphantly clambered up to her perch in the front seat.
As we drove through the parking lot, I spotted a girl from my drama class exiting the building. I wondered why she hadn’t been in Sunday School.
Another Sunday morning had come to an end. When we got back home, I walked to my room at the end of the hall. As I eased into my big green beanbag, my thoughts returned to that banner.
Unity. I thought of all the names inscribed in brightly-colored Sharpies, of the night we put it together, and of the peace and love I know was felt by all that night.
I thought of the Chat Room that morning, with its group, separated from each other by the empty space in the room. I thought of the boy who couldn't fit into the circle of friends, the quiet brunette, and the shy blonde. I wondered if that girl from business class still felt as isolated as she had told me she was a couple of months ago. I also wondered where that girl from drama class sat during service, and why I hadn't noticed her.
I recalled that elderly couple that slowed me down in the hall. I saw the worship leader and his wife – his arm around her and her head on his shoulder. I heard my youth pastor's prayer, honest and heartfelt.
I thought about what I had done that morning; how I'd smiled at the brunette, sat by the girl from business class, and asked the blond how she was. But then, I remembered all the plastic grins, how I'd watched the brunette and the blonde and the boy sit alone, and how I'd never even seen the girl from drama during the service.
The banner rose again before my eyes, stark and harsh against that barren tan wall, presiding austerely over the roomful of the loud, rambunctious youth group. “Unity,” it's black block letters declared. Somehow, something seemed – off about it.
What is it?
Well, whatever it was, there was really nothing I could do about it. After all, I was only one girl, and a shy, insignificant one at that. Sure, I saw things, but that didn't mean I could change anything. Besides, if I did say something, that permanently alienate me, and that wouldn't help anyone, now would it?
I sat up and reached for the computer mouse on my desk to start last week's episode of “48 Hours,” rubbing my head gingerly. I think too much. That youth leader was right; I'm an over analyzer.

This a great piece of non-fiction! Although, I warn you, I do not usually work on non-fiction or review it. Always good to try something new!

- I'm glad you shared this and I hope other people see it too. This gives off a great message that everyone seem's to miss or avoid. I've blogged about something like this that happened at my school; check it out if you'd like! I gained a lot from that experience and I hope you saw what happened in yours. I'm SO glad you saw sense in showing this and I'm sorry I even have to nitpick it.

- Try spacing it out when there's dialougue. It makes it easier for the reader. Like this:

“Smile,” he said. “A real one!”

I smiled, as expected.

A quiet voice, “how are you?”

The foreign exchange student sat down across from me with a gentle smile.

“I'm fantastic,” with an answering grin. “You?”

It's a personal preference of mine, but I am by far not the only one.

- You switched back and forth from past to present! It's obviously past, but sometimes you switched to present! Try:

There it was again. It draped the north wall, proudly declaring “Unity” in large block letters and was emblazoned with the names of all the junior and senior high girls from each Sunday school class. “We're all in this together!” it seemed to say; “We're one in Christ!”
I remembered the girl from my class diligently working to piece together that sliced up banner as the rest of us stood watching her valiant struggles. I remembered that night when we all came together, repaired broken friendships, spoke to people we would never have ordinarily noticed, and (some of us) talked long into the wee morning hours, learning so much more about each other than we ever have otherwise known. I'd felt it that night – unity – and I knew things would be different from now on.

Ok, bad example. I wanted to pick one from a spot where you would obviously now. Still, look through the piece and pick a tense. It helps confusion clear up.

-Clear up the setting. When you talked about Senior High I got the feeling you were at a school. You talked about Bibles and Bible class I thought you were talking a religious school. Then you talked about sitting with your Dad in a pew and I got confused and thought it was a church. Does the setting change? Am I missing something?

Thanks for writing this down!

Thanks for reviewing! And it's totally alright to nitpick; that is, after all, the point in my posting it!
Tense is something I actually struggled with a bit on this piece; it was mostly past tense; however, there were parts where i felt like it didn't have to necessarily be in the past, like when it's something the narrator still remembers and thinks about. But I'll go through it again at some point. Honestly, I didn't even edit it all except to rid the document of those accursed red squiggles.
The setting is at church: In the "Chat Room" is where it begins - it's a big room where all the junior and senior high kids meet before Sunday school. We went to our Sunday school classrooms, and then down to the sanctuary for church.
Hope that clears up a few of those questions.
Thanks a million for reviewing it!

Hi Rain! Here to review! ^^

First of all - the piece was very well-written, and the message that you were trying to get across was good, and more than relate-able for a lot of people, I would assume. You had good description, and for the most part, you painted a decent picture of the setting and the people.

However, there were a few things about it that threw me off - for one, your transitions either dragged on forever, or they were somewhat jumpy and hard to follow. You were in the 'Chat Room' of the church at first, and then somehow ended up in the church service. That's good - but the transition was a bit sluggish and messy.

Another extremely sluggish area was when you were in the car - the part where you described the the two boys and the two girls piling into the car, especially. It was just sort of there, and it didn't fit with the story right. In all honesty, it just seemed to make the story drag on a little too long. This is something that I noticed throughout the story - you described things well, but sometimes you described the wrong things. I want to know what was happening to you during this time, and what was happening with those other key characters. I'm not particularly interested in the loud boys getting into their car and driving off, if you know what I mean.

I hope that makes sense - I'm a bit on the tired side right now. xD

So, try to focus on things that related more to you and those select few others - the brunette, the 'bigger' boy, etc - notice them, and then let me know more about yourself in the story. You need to draw the reader's attention to certain points, rather than have it all over the place.

I do really like the concept you have here, and I'm glad you requested me to review it.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Hey Phoenix! Welcome to YWS! I'd be happy to help you out with your story, as always.



First of all, I like your casual approach to the beginning. Not take in the wrong sense, but I liked the easy going beginning you had and like many writers didn't dump it with info or descriptions. That was what kept us going and we were really intrigued to read it. When I first saw the title, I thought that maybe it has something to do with border related problems, but then as I reached to the second paragraph I realized it had much more than just that. It was something of a general problem, or something everybody must have faced at some point in our lives.

As Isha said, I felt it too jumpy. Because you had everything pictured in your mind, you knew everything about how you would write it, maybe that's why you were going a bit too easily with it, and we had a problem following you. As she said, it was like she was at one place in one moment and then there she was somewhere else the next, and I had to read again to check whether I had missed something or not. I felt confused for a second. If you have a problem with this kind of writing, where you have to incorporate so many scenes then the best thing to do, as I'd recommend is that you should make a rough plan for the scenes. Like scene no. 1, scene no. 2 and so on. It would really help you out to write your scenes and they'd be bit less clumsy. Do you get what I mean?

Secondly, your tenses were a bit tacky. You had so much of tenses transitions that I had to practically read the sentence again and see if you had changed some scene or were you still intact to the same one. You need to carry on with one tense. If it is past tense, so don't waddle off to a present tense or a form of future tense. Just stick to whatever you've chosen except when you're changing time period, of course.

Also, I'd like you to maybe give some of the kids a name. If she doesn't know them, then let them be identified with their descriptions, but what I'd like for you to do is to maybe give her sister a name at least after you point out who she is, or how she is related to her. Why I am saying this is maybe because all these characters seemed to bustling in my mind. I had to remember like 'that girl from my so and so class', 'the girl with such hair' and all that which actually slightly seemed waspish to me. If the reader has to remember so many things, then maybe s/he can get slightly bored. So, try to make things as simple for them as they can be and then let the characters who can't have a name been given here remain like that only.

Al I would say is that this was a very important topic and the way you wrote it was actually quite different and I really liked it. You gave an experience for telling us that 'unity' mostly exists on sheet of paper. Also, I liked how you didn't make your character think that she could alone save the falling world. That's what writers sometimes do-make heroic characters and people find it tough to relate with them. Frankly, if I were to be in such a situation, I think I'd have reacted the same way. Felt bad, but thought how would it make a difference if I alone changed. But that doesn't mean you'd take a negative side to every character, but this felt nice. Seemed like reality.

Your writing is quite good and polished. You didn't have any silly grammar errors which is a brilliant thing to start with and sometimes the word you used were lovely. Though I'd ask you to focus on the points I gave you and have more of descriptions. Since this is not actually a story-story so you can shun with serious descriptions, but some of them here and there won't hurt. Like the blonde and the brunette--why or what in their looks must have made them stagger behind in making friends? How did the person feel about them?

Also, I'd like to mention that I still don't have a clue if your MC was a girl or not. Like in the beginning you had that high school and junior school girls things but then you had that fat boy also so that made me a bit puzzled. I won't say much about that, but sometimes you have ways to show your characters' gender by giving them something distinctive. Making them twirl their hair would make them read like a girl, or a boy doing exercise even standing would be the dude types. It wasn't that necessary to know the genders but still I'd have liked to know about the character that I was reading 'bout.

Hope this help, and PM me for anything you'd like to,
Shrubs

Hey Rain!
I'm glad you chose Drive-Thru Review for your story!
I don't usually review non-fiction, it isn't really my thing. But, I'll do my best.

This is a great and uniquely written piece. I love ALL YOUR BIG WORDS! (I was actually quite surprise that I knew all of them!) I don't really have any nitpicks, and I'm really sorry for that. I pretty much failed the reviewing checklist thingy. Anyway, this is pretty much the best that I can do for non-fiction.

If you have any fiction pieces up, I'd love to review them. Thanks for choosing Drive-Thru Review!

I haven't read the previous reviews so if I repeat something that just means there's an agreed consensus that you should fix it Alright then, nit-picks first:

I glanced around the room again. There were the junior high girls – some of them, at least – near the back wall, sipping their hot chocolate and chattering excitedly. I frowned a little in disapproval as my sister walked over to her “group,” passing a quiet blonde girl standing against the wall. Along the south wall, a few chairs and tables were occupied by animated, laughing high schoolers, mostly juniors and seniors, discussing all the latest gossip and the most recent “outing” they had been on together. It was just too bad that there wasn't enough room for that boy; You know, the “big” one. He just simply couldn't fit, so he sat a few yards behind them, watching with longing eyes. In the dark corner between my seat and the junior high girls' table, a thin, pale, dark haired girl from my grade leaned against the wall. She doesn’t go to school here, so no one really knows her very well, and she's quite quiet, so that's really no help.

[Really nice, easy going style. Your descriptions are a little basic but the tone builds a gentle atmosphere and that first paragraph generated enough interest to hold my attention so far.]

I reached the sanctuary and started to walk down the center aisle. All the senior high kids were sitting in the front three or four rows on the left side. Well, most of them, anyhow. The girl with the dark hair and the one from my business class sat with their families, as did the “big” boy. But that's where they always sat; it was their choice. I sat with my father in our customary place – almost with the kids from the youth group, at the edge of the fourth pew. I glanced around, looking for my sister, but she and her friends were still gallivanting about the church.

[Stil good so far, though I'm starting to wish there was more character interaction orr characterisation of the side characters. Your persona is nice but she can't hold the whole story together by herself.]

Well, whatever it was, there was really nothing I could do about it. After all, I was only one girl, and a shy, insignificant one at that. Sure, I saw things, but that didn't mean I could change anything. Besides, if I did say something, that might permanently alienate me, and that wouldn't help anyone, now would it?

[This last line is a little awkwarldy phrased in general, maybe take another look?]

The Endiing

It could have been better. You started off very strongly and I expected that your ending would follow somewhere along the same lines or there would at least be a resolution of sorts but instead it felt a little flat and a bit anti-climatic. The trouble with none fiction often is that there aren't many strong events because real life doesn't happen that way and there aren't always dramatic endings or resolutions, but I think you could have done something here. Maybe even just another comment un unity to bring it full circle.

Description/ Setting

The piece currently feels very jerky and very vague as far as setting goes. You don't describe enough of the rooms so your reader doesn't know where the characters are and has to make it up for themselves but is often wrong. I assumed at first you attended some sort of religious school and then suddenly realised it was a church. You need to make that much clearer for people who aren't as aware of where you find youth pastors and the like. I can see now that your chat room is almost similar to the sunday school that my siblings used to attend. However, your mentions of the school and little flashes of sitting in classrooms confuses that. Just try to describe more. Build a really firm idea of what the roooms are like, not just the people in it. It also wouldn't hurt you to use some more unique descriptions for the characters.

Characterisation

Simply put, you ned more. Your persona is well defined by your voice but the other characters I care little for because they're just this random blonde girl or that new girl. They have no personality of their own and there isn't enough description to give them a face or make them personal. It also wasn't clear which of them took part in putting up the big unity banner. That would be a really nice detail to have in there, maybe at the end. Mayb you recall how the banner was passed along the line and how the 'big' boy was almost at the end and how he smiled as he held it out for one of the girls to pin up and how their hands brushed against each other. Did it happen like that? Probably not, but when writing none fiction, you sometimes have to be liberal with your pen.

Hope that helps a little,

Heather xxx

Hey there! Dropping in for my review as requested, so here's hoping I can say something helpful. By the way, I'm guessing from this that you're a Christian? If so, please feel free to drop in on our club, Christian Writers. You'd be very welcome there.

The first thing I noticed here was that the places were a little mixed-up. I was quite confused because I kept wondering whether it was in a school, or church, or someplace else entirely. You kept talking about "Chat rooms" and senior and junior high, and all sorts of different places I couldn't quite work out. Don't forget that different churches work in different ways, and a lot of readers won't have been to church at all, so there are a few things that need clarifying to give this story the opportunity for it to make its full impact.

Your character made a big impact for me. For a long time I was one of those girls who noticed things like that but said nothing about it, and I can see that you meant this to be exactly the challenging piece of work that it is, so you've done great job with that.

There are a handful of spelling and grammar issues I noticed, but I'm not going to nitpick. Instead, I'd advise using an online spellchecker like this one, especially if you don't have one on your word processor, but nothing beats the human eye, so be sure to proofread carefully and I'd advise finding a beta-reader to double-check everything.

You flitted between tenses every now and then, which made it a bit difficult to read in places. I would advise making the whole thing past-tense, just to give it a firmer sense of set events, if that makes sense. Your transitions between settings were difficult to work with, as Ishy said, and I found them quite tough to pick up on in places.

Other than that, I can find very little to complain about. The gentle, easy beginning was a nice way to bring the reader into the story rather than scaring them off, it was very refreshing and I really appreciated it! I actually thought the ending worked quite well, it was thought-provoking before it was challenging, rather than just being blatantly obvious about it, but it wasn't hard to work out. Your character was relatable, if a little bland; I'd suggest giving her a little more involvement in the events around her than she's shown to have. Great job on the whole, though - I'll hope to see more from you soon.

I hope I helped! If there's anything I've said that doesn't make sense, or anything more I can do to help, please let me know. I'd be glad to do whatever I can.

~ Ruth

Hey there PhoenixRain!

Here as requested.

Some nitpicks of mine:

She doesn’t go to school here, so no one really knows her very well, and she's quite (typo?), so that's really no help.

The girl doesn't go to school but how come your character knows her that she's quiet? Unless you tell us that she's a friend of his (MC), then you could have added more information.

“I'm fantastic,” with an answering grin. “You?”

You should add a speech tag before with. Because if you try to disregard the dilog punctuations it would look like this:

I'm fantastic, with an answering grin.

That judt didn't make any sense. It's incomplete. However, if you try adding a speech tag:

I'm fantastic, I said with a grin.

It did made a sense and it wasn't that awkward to read.

"I'm fantastic," I said with a grin.


Onwards.


First of all, there was a good pacing of this piece. But it could be better because you have managed to attract my attention until the very last word of the story. You just need to work on your tenses and some grammatical/technical mistakes here cause they tend to distract the flow.


I think you should have elaborated more of your story's theme and importance. Yes, it did talk about unity and stuff, but your character seemed to be limited with verbal and personal views. So how you described unity was quite a blur. There was no guaranteed action as to how he could help or support.This would also lead to my second point, you need to widen up your character's personality and development. I couldn't tell if your MC's a girl or a boy, but I guess your character is a she. Although I'm not saying that you should give us a bunch of sentences all about herself/himself, but just let us know who he/she is, some details and make it coincidental and average-pace as much as possible. As far as I could see, he have just blandly observed the atmosphere around him, that's all. He focused more on the outside characters (such as the students, campus) rather than his own self. His aspirations and role in the story should be introduced here.


Considering this is a flash fiction, I liked how the characters were unnamed just like the blonde and brunette girl or the "big guy". Anyways, let's go on to the story plot. Again, the pacing is good. But there are at times when I felt so bored that I just have to skip some parts. There were no climatic scenes or like something that would make us anticipate. Just an ordinary girl retelling her life in a Sunday school and talking about unity. The unity was too general that it was really hard to define the significance of this. Unity in what? politics? with one another? students to teacher? Explain more of this.


Also, this piece looked realistic but not interesting. I couldn't feel any connection between your character and myself. The "unity" effect you wanted to give your readers didn't work for me. So you should try working this one out again.


Overall, the story has a lot potential. You can start editing by developing the persona in the story and show how unity is important here. So this review is based entirely on my opinions. Hope I didn't sound harsh but let me know if you have any questions or clarifications.

Keep writing.

Peace out,
Yuri

Hey there Rain! A little late to review, but I'm here.

I only glanced through the other reviews, so sorry if I repeat!

Grammar: I'll start here.

She doesn’t go to school here, so no one really knows her very well, and she's quite quiet, so that's really no help.

Also on this, the word really is used twice in quick succession. Try a different word. It weakens the writing a bit.

You've talked much far too much today already.

This is more of a suggestion I guess, but much to much is really awkward, where as something like far to much reduces repetitiveness and makes it easier to read.

As the choir left the balcony and the pastor ascended the steps,

Besides, if I did say something, that (Might or would, but would makes it repetitive again, so I like might.)permanently alienate me, and that wouldn't help anyone, now would it?

Suggestions/questions/wishes:

So it was good. I wish there were maybe a little bit more character interaction by means of dialogue. I found it hard to keep all of the people straight sometimes because they might have been talked about for one sentence or something.

It wasn't as descriptive as it could have been, but that was alright because it made a sort of nice, warm feeling.

There were some times where I felt like you just went to a thesaurus and picked a random word. Not because the words didn't work or fit, but because they were words that many people don't know. I don't think they were particularly needed either. So just watch out for stuff like that.

Overall: I thought it was good. As I said I would have liked to see a little more dialogue. I think it would have helped to build the characters and make the story as a whole a little more intriguing. I felt like the message was clear, but maybe not as strong as you could have made it. Finally, as I addressed in the grammar section, I felt like there were a lot of places where things were repeated. Whether it be single words or entire phrases, I felt like there was a fair bit of repetition. For example:

Well, most of them, anyhow.

this kind of phrase seemed to be used a lot. I thought your writing was really pretty good, and I think you did an excellent job of creating a mood. Overall I'd give this a 7 or 8 out of 10. Hope I was of help, and let me know if you have any questions or comments!

-HostofHorus

Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review; I am sorry that it took me like forever to get it done, but here it is.

and (some of us) talked long into the wee morning hours,

Around some of us should be commas instead of parenthesis.

I'd felt it that night – unity – and I knew things would be different from now on.

The - should be commas. The first one is because there is a pause there, and the second one because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and. Conjunctions (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) are used after a comma to combine complete sentences together without making it a run-on sentence.

There were the junior high girls – some of them, at least – near the back wall, sipping their hot chocolate and chattering excitedly.

The - should be commas. avoid using - and parenthesis. Commas do the job correctly by separating dependant clauses from the rest of the sentence.

I feel like all of the description in the beginning is bland and boring. Bring it to life by showing us some of these things. Back to the teeny nit-picks:

I walked into the room, holding the door for the last girl – the one from my business class.

don't be afraid of commas they are your friend The - should be a comma.

I watched. Sometimes I say something,

Be careful about switching tenses. Watched is past tense and say is present tense.

but too often, my delivery is a bit flat, and it gets a little quiet when I talk – at least, when someone notices;

The comma after least should be after talk instead of the dash.

But every request weighed heavy on my heart, and every word she said was silently echoed.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction because conjunctions are used to combine sentences, and when you add it to the beginning of your sentence it makes the sentence look like a fragment.

I was nearly late for service and they were slowing me down considerably, but I didn't mind.

There should be a comma after service because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

But that's where they always sat; it was their choice.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

I sat with my father in our customary place – almost with the kids from the youth group, at the edge of the fourth pew.

The dash after place should be a comma.

The service began. The congregation sang, my youth pastor prayed for the upcoming mission trip, and a little boy was baptized.

Because you are listing complete sentences the comma after sang should be a semi-colon (;)

As the coir left the balcony

Typo: Should be choir.

As always, it was quite interesting and his message was good.

There should be a comma after interesting because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

As he finished his sermon, the pastor gave an invitation and the offering was taken.

There should be a comma after invitation because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

Then we sang a last song and we were dismissed.

There should be a comma after song because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

It was a lie, and we both knew it; but I knew she didn't want to talk to me, especially at this particular moment.

This is a run-on sentence because it is not punctuated correctly. If you want to keep the semi-colon after it then take out the but.

“Good!” I played along, but I tried to sound sympathetic.

I don't see her saying this too loudly, maybe try a period instead of an exclamation point.

You use alot of rich vocabulary, and sometimes that's a good thing but other times simple language will do. Back to the nit-picks:

I saw the worship leader and his wife – his arm around her and her head on his shoulder.

The dash should be a comma.

But then, I remembered all the plastic grins, how I'd watched the brunette and the blonde and the boy sit alone, and how I'd never even seen the girl from drama during the service

Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

Somehow, something seemed – off about it.

There is no need for a pause after seemed, but if you desperately want there to be a pause there the correct punctuation would be ... not a dash.

Overall I really didn't like this chapter. It was bland and boring... I'm sorry. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hi Pheonix! Littleprincess here for a review;

and the junior high girls' table, a thin, pale, dark haired girl from my grade leaned against the wall. She doesn’t go to school here, so no one really knows her very well, and she's quite, so that's really no help.

I think you mean quiet instead of quite. Also, says she's your age or a junior (or whatever grade the character is in) because if she doesn't go to the same school wouldn't she technically not be in the same grade? I don't know it just sounds a little off to me. Instead of the last part say something like, so no one really got the chance to get to know her. It just sounds more formal I guess.

My Sunday school teacher came in, sat down in the front of the small, cozy room, and asked almost cheerily, “So, what have you all been up to this week?”

Why did he/she ask almost cheerily. How can someone be almost cheerful?

“Would anyone else like to dismiss us?” Our teacher queried with a pleading glance around the circle.

Why exactly does the teacher want someone else to dismiss them? How does that even work?

Ok, so I am a little confused about the setting, I get its a church service but I feel like its not a usual one. I think you should introduce the setting and who the characters are much more.