Young Writers Society

Your birds chime the happy hour
I'm a blue forgotten flower
In a beau forest serene
I'm walking in the pearl drop rain
Your smiles' a rainbow once again
From an old forgotten dream
You see the endless starry sky
I see a fallen butterfly
With her wings all sky blue clad
Your face beams in rejoice
There's a softness in my voice
Sometimes I'm happy to be sad
Don't worry when my face is wet.
Tears are blue beads that shine reflected Light.
I'm Happy to be Sad.
Leave me as I am to enjoy it.
Blue a lovely colour, and rain is a wonderful friend.

The joy of sadness is hard to
find, but if you find it, then
nothing can crush you.

very well written, but a bit confusing. your meatphore with the color blue and the rain, " blue is a lovely color, and the rain is a wonderful freind" is great. however, i think the the should come out. without the the the rain becomes a subject and a person.

I like this poem; I'm a fan of these sorts of poems.
But, I believe there are things you should look for when writing like this.
For one, your spacing. In the penultimate line, you forgot a space.
Also, use of punctuation such as apostrophes.
When you say "Your smiles' a rainbow once again," the apostrophe either doesn't belong, or if you're saying your smile IS, then it belongs between the e and s.
Other than that, it was enjoyable to read.

Your birds chime the happy hour I'm not sure if I like "happy hour." Sounds too informal.
I'm a blue forgotten flower
In a beau forest serene
I'm walking in the pearl drop rain I think this line would be better without "drop." Other than that, beautiful line.
Your smiles' a rainbow once again Don't need the apostrophe. It's not possessive.
From an old forgotten dream Nice.
You see the endless starry sky
I see a fallen butterfly
With her wings all sky blue clad I don't know if I like this line. How you state it is a bit confusing, and the "her" and "all" throw me off.
Your face beams in rejoice
There's a softness in my voice
Sometimes I'm happy to be sad
Don't worry when my face is wet. What is this rhyming with?
Tears are blue beads that shine reflected Light. "Light" should be lowercased. This is a really long line. It breaks the rhythm tremendously. "Shine reflected" is a redundancy: you only need "reflect" and then perhaps an adjective.
I'm Happy to be Sad.
Leave me as I am to enjoy it.
Blue a lovely colour, and the rain is a wonderful friend. Extremely long line here as well. I think you should get rid of the first part; that is, everything before the comma. I really think that part is unnecessary, and the poem would sound better without it.

The joy of sadness is hard to
find, but if you find it,then Space between "it" and "then."
nothing can crush you.

I like this poem. You have a knack for creating wonderful images and feelings in the readers. If any of my critiques coincide with the rhyming pattern, here is an excellent site for finding rhymes: http://www.rhymezone.com/

-Kafka

Are you sure you're 12? Wow, that's actually amazing what you've written. You should definitly keep up with your writing because you have a natural talent. And take pride in that sadness alright, because you also learn to take more comfort of joy when you're happy.

I can somwhat relate with this poem, for I used to love the rain when I was younger, and I was miserable all the time, but felt somhow happy in my sadness when I could be left alone on a dark rainy day. I love your imagry of blue in this poem, but the begining lacks things that my mind can grasp and follow. For the first half I was quite confused about what you were talking about, but I'm very tired so that might have something to do with it. Anyways, the sencond part was very powerful, and I felt the emotion you put behind it.
Oh, and before I forget, I didn't understand the last line, but it sure sounded good

Great poem! Keep writing, I can't wait for more of your writing, it's quite good

Nice, i quite like it reminds me of when i was younger. It seems a little random though, maybe a little disconnected. It's one of those poems you must read more than once to understand. Keep up the good work!

Hi there Annie. Lavvie in to review as requested.

So, I think you have a good basis here. It's a poem that definitely possesses potential and could be greatly improved by correcting a few things:

A) Punctuating poetry. So, I've noticed this often because I've reviewed a fair amount of poetry: a lot of people look over the fact that using punctuation not only applies to creative written fiction but also creative poetry. I didn't even know this until I came to YWS, so you're not alone. Punctuation can really improve the fluidity of the poem as well as dramatically change the type of emotions it's inputting to the audience. It gives the readers time to think, grasp the concept of your poem.

B) To rhyme or not to rhyme. Another thing I noticed besides your lack of punctuation was your rhyme scheme. I found it very scattered and by the finish of the poem, there were few, if at all any, rhymes that were not really in a pattern. It felt like you started off rhyming and then right in the middle decided against it. It has conflicting patterns and this isn't good. If you do insist on rhyming, you need to develop a consistency. For example:

AABA, AABA, BBCA, AABA, AABA, BBCA et cetera.

That was just an example so I don't expect your rhyme scheme to be anything like that. But if you do decide to go with that, great. If not, well, great again! However, your poem doesn't really strike me as a poem needing rhyme. Personally, I think it'd be much more successful without rhyming. And it will, either way, still be a poem needless of rhyming or not.

C) Broaden your horizons vocabulary. So, what I thirdly gathered after reading this was that you really have some great templates for imagery. The thing is, you don't seem to be able to write it (the imagery) out very well. Your descriptions seem dull, nothing in the least interesting, and I think it's due to your excess of "common" words. I'm not saying go out and find some really bizarre, rarely-used words but I'm encouraging you to learn some more, take on an English language quest. The more detailing the words are, the easier it will be for us, your audience, to picture these paintings you're trying to paint.

Overall, I think it has potential. It's definitely not perfect, as nothing can or ever will be, but I encourage you to write more!

Yours,
Lavvie

I like it, but in some parts I was confused a bit... Maybe you should go through it and change some parts? But really, I did like it, very original. Could be a great poem, just needs a bit of editing.

Since the other comments basically cover the critiques, I'll forego that (also, I'm not really great at poetry).

There's great feeling in this poem. I like your repetition of the 'forgotten' and 'blue' themes. Perhaps this is just my personal preference, but I like how it's the tiniest bit incoherent at times. The disconnected imagery sort of adds to the emotion.

You see the endless starry sky
I see a fallen butterfly
With her wings all sky blue clad
Your face beams in rejoice
There's a softness in my voice

That's probably my favorite part. Well done, and keep on writing!

I really loved this poem. At the beginning I was a bit confused with all the metaphors but towards the ending it was a really pretty message. Happiness in sadness. I never thought that was possible but I guess it is. And saying how if you find happiness in sadness nothing can hurt you. I think that is also very true. But I've never looked at sadness in that perspective and I found it so interesting.

No visible grammar mistakes

Deanie x