Young Writers Society

I remember you when I light a cigarette;
your slender, white, body that I traced beneath my
fingers. I pressed my lips against you
and took a breath; exhaling a dozen roses
and a smoky invitation to bed.

You’re an abstract cloud of curves and kisses;
each time I breathe, you diffuse into my heart.
I’ve forgotten how to inhale without you pressed
between my lips.

You’re pure poison; from the hair on your head to the
tips of your toes to the frightening beauty
when I look at your soul. I’m coughing up
promises of love ever after but my lungs are constricting
and choking my heart.

My nicotine-stained fingertips reach out to you:
Honey, I’m going to light you up, and breathe you down
and once you taste like a burnt out flame;
I’m gonna snuff you out in a pile of ashes.

O.o
Smoking is bad for you, but this was epic. X3

This is a great topic, Knightley! Its really nice to see that a lot of poems these days are pushing out from the cliche and taking in topics that are a little more original, so I give you a thumbs up for that!

But there is one thing that reoccured to me whilst I read this that didn't sit too well.

You personify addiction, which is interesting and I enjoy quite immensely, but then you take it to extreme by saying things like 'from the hair on your head' and what not. It makes this poem confusing because of the fact that we don't really know if you are talking about cigarettes or not. If its about cigarettes, I think I would respect this poem a bit more. Just that its confusing when you personify addiction and than jump to an actual person so readily.

Maybe choose one of the other. Choose either addiction, like a cigarette, of someone who is bad for you, or the personified addiction that is cigarettes, so comparable to humanity and those who are bad for your soul as the addiction is bad for your body. Don't choose both.

What I will say that I enjoyed about this was your lovely imagery and use of language. The vocabulary here was strong, the flow impeccable, and the stanzas all relatively the same size so we don't get too much cutting or chopping. You don't appear to abuse poetic license in any way because this is, in all its content, a poem and not just and ill-spaced paragraph as what most young writers seem to think poetry is.

Either way, work on keeping your topic strong. Don't wane it this way and that because a poem needs a strong concept to be effectual. Your topic is interesting in theory so really work hard on that aspect or you may find yourself or your readers getting lost in the imagery and the subtleness of the topic that they may read it and take absolutely nothing from it, and thats the worst thing that could happen when you've come this far with your vocabulary.

I enjoyed this immensely so keep writing and I'll keep reviewing!
~Walker

Hi there! Here to review.

Now, I'm honestly a pretty terrible poet so my knowledge of poetry is quite limited.
I don't really know much about it but I'll still do my best to provide some sort of helpful review for this and hopefully you'll be able to get at least two cents if not more from whatever I have to say.

Alright, I did enjoy reading this poem. I thought that the basic theme behind it was displayed quite nicely.
You got your facts in straight and knew exactly what you were talking about and knew where you were headed with every stanza and every line. You brought it together quite wonderfully and I couldn't stop reading till the end.

Your words were just like smoke, they left a mystifying image and I more than impressed with how you were able to put your words together. You know clearly what you're doing and you take advantage of every word which makes it all come to live. However as much as I love to say that this is your strength, I'll have to agree with Walker on the fact that your beautiful words may actually loose people and have them leave without realizing the message to the poem.

Even so, I don't think it's much of a problem. Sometimes poems are meant to be read and then thought about.
Okay, don't really listen to me because I might not even know what I'm talking about here. I suck at poetry, right? lol
Anyway, this is a wonderful poem overall and I enjoyed reading it.

Thank you for the great read and let me know if you have any other questions.

-Shear

Ello there Knightly! Thank you for the review request!

I have nothing for grammar except to suggest taking a look at the structure. It isn't terrible, there are just some spots that I think look weird. If you want some examples, feel free to contact me.

Suggestions/Questions:

I remember you when I light a cigarette;
your slender, white, body that I traced beneath my
fingers. I pressed my lips against you

I was really confused by this by the time I finished the poem. It was said above, but I'm so confused as to what your talking about. I start out thinking it is a person, then I question myself the whole poem wondering if it is a person or a cigarette. It is repeated by:

from the hair on your head to the
tips of your toes

So yeah, maybe make it a little less confusing?

Likes: If it is indeed a cigarette (which is what I think it is....) I like the language used to describe the relationship. I think the last few lines are creepy if you were to actually say them... But I like them. That said, I think it would be really cool to compare a cigarette to a love life... But I don't know if that is what you're after, so whatever....

Overall: Because I'm so confused, I have a hard time deciding too much on this poem. I love your choice of words, your imagery, and your willingness to be unique. I think I like the poem, I just think some things need to be cleared up. So let me know if you have any questions. I would love to help! And feel free to drop me another review request any time!

-HostofHorus