Young Writers Society

Okay, this is a new story I've recently started. I'm not entirely sure what to do about the first part, the 'preface' as I've called it, if it's even called that.... But anyways, enjoy.

Preface

The castle was in flames, the dragon's wingbeats only helped to feed them as it rose above the castle again. Men, children and women fled from the city, heading for the mountains and the hills, or to the east and the rising plains. Smoke billowed out over the land and the flames crackled. The fire was intense.

Blood red scales glinted in the midday sun as the dragon landed on a walkway high up and breathed flames through the narrow doorway in a nearby tower. High above the dragon, the young princess stood, magic trailing from her hands. Aiyana closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Her magic was no use against the dragon.

The dragon launched itself off the walkway and circled round the tower, higher and higher. Aiyana knew it was getting closer to her, but she still couldn't find the will to move. Instead, she flung her hands out. Magic flew out over the country and, as she dropped her hands, she felt it seep into the land itself.`

"Princess!" someone shouted. "Aiyana! Damnit girl, we need to leave! Now!"

Aiyana's eyes flew open and she turned towards the voice quickly. "General Oulam," she said, brushing her hair out of her eyes. The tall, dark-haired man rushed towards her just as the sounds of wingbeats grew louders. A dark, dark shadow fell over them as the General reached the princess. Aiyana turned towards the shadow to see the dragon rising up over the edge of the tower. The pair stared in horror as the dragon opened it's mouth, teeth gleaming in the sunlight.


One

Prince Rasui de Altan stood at the prow of his ship, the Isadora. The port sity of Sharz was spread out before him, but that was not what had captured the prince's eye. Amor, the captiol of Gwendolyn, was under attack. He could see it, even from the port-city over a hundred miles away. Something red flashed and flames poured into the sky.

If he didn't know any better, he'd say that the city was being attacked by a dragon... But why? Why would a dragon attack Amor? Frowning, the prince watched the somewhat one-sided battle play out. Suddenly, magic tingled through him. He had always had an awareness for it.....and just as that magic appeared, the castle was gone--up in flames. They burned hotter and brighter than any flames he'd ever seen before.

Dragon Fire.

Rasui swore, pushing away from the railing and crossing the deck before rushing off the ship, shouting for his men to close ranks. Several of them ran out of a nearby pleasure house, while the rest appeared in the doorway of an alehouse. "Jinan!" Rasui shouted, calling for the captain of the ship.

"Yes, your highness?" the man in question called from back on the ship. Rasui spun round and gestured to the distant city of Amor where flames could be seen, quite obviously, for miles.

"Do you see that?" he called, turning to look at the city in question. Jinan followed the prince's gesture and frowned. Then, a moment later, that frowned darkened. Rasui swiftly returned to the ship, joining the captian, who now stood at the prow.

"Is that...a dragon?" the captain asked in a somewhat shocked and awed voice. Shocked because Amor was going up in flames, awed because that was actually a dragon up there. Alive. Dragons were extremely rare; people had thought them extinct, dead. No more.

Rasui swallowed, digging his nails into the wooden rails. "Yes," he whispered. "That's really a dragon." The prince sounded devistated, and a little sad.

Jinan turned towards him, taking in the sickened look on the prince's face. "Highness?" he questioned softly, raising a hand to the prince's shoulder. "Rasui?"

"What...if the.....princess was" --he swallowed again, eyes wide-- "...up there?" he whispered. Jinan turned back to the sight of Amor in flames, suddenly feeling numb. If Princess Aiyana had been up there when the dragon set the castle on fire.... "Jinan," Rasui said, dragging the older man's attention back to him. "What do we do?"

Jinan shook his head and then let it hang. "I don't know," he whispered. "There's not much we can do about the dragon, or the flames. That's Dragon Fire up there, your highness. No one in their right mind would dare find themselves even within a hundred miles of the place now."

Rasui turned his gaze to the brightly burning citadel on the edge of Lake Amora. Jinan was right, even though it hurt him deeply not to even consider racing towards the city--he had been planning to do that before Jinan had shared the whole 'Dragon Fire' fiasco. Even a child knew that once a dragon burnt something, or somewhere to a crisp, that the dragon would nest there. That was just some of the leftover information and supersitions that the Elders still held onto. Rasui hung his head. There was nothing they could do.



The dark-haired boy stared at the fire in the distance. The pair had seen a rather large shadow pass over a little while ago, and now the captiol, Amor, was in flames? This couldn't be good. His sister was busy grooming their only horse while the boy stood off to the side.

Frustrated, the dark-haired girl put down her brush, gave the horse a pat and joined her brother. She leaned on the fence and frowned at him. "Shilah?" she asked, pushing at him to get the boy's attention. "Shilah! Damnit!"

The boy suddeny blinked and turned to the girl. "Kaya? Don't shout," he said, "You'll frighten the horse." The girl just scowled at him.

"Well, if you were actually paying attention, I wouldn't have to shout!"

"Kaya!" Shilah excalimed, grabbed the girl's arm before she could walk off. She hesitated, glaring at the boy. "Geez, relax. I'm paying attention now, aren't I?" Kaya looked away. "Kaya....you're my sister, my twin. How can I not pay attention to you?"

The younger twin refused to anwser him and Shilah sighed. He shook his head and returned his gaze to the city for a moment. Then he was looking at his sister again. Her arms we crossed and she was looking at the ground to her right, lips drawn into a tight, thin line.

"Kaya..."

"No, Shilah! No!" She ripped her arm out of his grip and turned her back on the burning city. "I am not going anywhere near the city! Don't you remember what happened last time?"

Shilah stared at his sister for a moment, then sighed. "Fine, we won't go then." He turned to lean on the fence again. "But someone has to. Look," he said softly. Kaya turned to look at the burning city. A dark red shape flickered in the firelight. "There's a dragon up there. Remember the legends?"

Kaya's face turned a little pale. "Dragons burn things until they're unrecognizable, and then make nests in the ashes," she whispered, stricken. "You can't go up there now, Shilah..."

Shilah turned dark blue eyes on his sister and frowned. His sister looked panicked. "But what if the princess was up there?" he questioned softly. Kaya groaned. "Or anyone else?" His sister covered her face.

"Shilah!"

"I'm serious, Kaya," he said, stubborn now. "We can't just leave them like that, without even thinking of helping them."

Kaya sighed and dropped her hands away from her face, scrutinizing her brother. After a long moment, she shook her head. "Fine," she snapped. "But we are so not going near those damn soldiers again!"

Shilah smiled at her, and then turned back to the city. "Get the horse ready then, sister," he said and frowned. Their farm was only about twenty miles from the city; He hoped that most of the cityfolk had escaped the dragon and the fire, else they could get into trouble. He was planning on heading for the palace.

I shall return to this! It's on my reading list! For now though, I'm going to review the prologue if thats ok?

ScarlettFire wrote:Preface

The castle was in flames,I would use 'and' instead of a comma here the dragon's wingbeats only helped to feed them as it rose above the castle again. Men, children and women the more common thing is to say 'women and children' rather than the other way around, I don't know why, it just sounds better. fled from the city, heading for the mountains and the hills, or to the east and the rising plains. Smoke billowed out over the land and the flames crackled. The fire was intense.

Blood red scales glinted in the midday sun as the dragon landed on a walkway high up and breathed flames through the narrow doorway in a nearby tower. High above the dragon, the young princess stood, magic trailing from her hands. Aiyana closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Her magic was no use against the dragon.

The dragon launched itself off the walkway and circled round the tower, higher and higher. Aiyana knew it was getting closer to her, but she still couldn't find the will to move. Instead, she flung her hands out. Magic flew out over the country and, as she dropped her hands, she felt it seep into the land itself.`

"Princess!" someone shouted. "Aiyana! Damnmit girl, we need to leave! Now!"

Aiyana's eyes flew open and she turned towards the voice quickly. new paragraph"General Oulam," she said, brushing her hair out of her eyes. The tall, dark-haired man rushed towards her just as the sounds of wingbeats grew louders. A dark, dark shadow fell over them as the General reached the princess. Aiyana turned towards the shadow to see the dragon rising up over the edge of the tower. The pair stared in horror as the dragon opened it's mouth, teeth gleaming in the sunlight.

Oooh! You've done a really good job here and I'll be sure to follow the story. In the meantime, I'm off to continue mine
Toodles!

ok first thing is first. I liked this story. I loved the imagery in the preface. IcyFlame basically said what I was going to. so i wont repeat. but i do have one concern, i think the characters should talk in old english or something. to go with the time period. but that is just a suggestion. other than that this was really good. Good luck and Keep writing!!!

Hello! All my comments will be in red.

Preface I really don't think a preface is necessary here. You could replace "Preface" with "Chapter One" and the story would still flow very nicely in my opinion. Usually prefaces and prologues are used if you've got a lot of back story or something that you need to let the reader know before the actual story starts. Here's a really awesome website on prologues that should help you out a lot: http://foremostpress.com/authors/articles/prologue.html

The castle was in flames, the dragon's wingbeats only helped to feed them as it rose above the castle again. More description is needed here, I think. What does the castle look like? Men, children and women fled from the city, heading for the mountains and the hills, or to the east and the rising plains. Smoke billowed out over the land and the flames crackled. The fire was intense. You've already shown us that the fire was intense in the previous sentence, so you can go ahead and get rid of "the fire was intense".

Blood red scales glinted in the midday sun as the dragon landed on a walkway high up and breathed flames through the narrow doorway in a nearby tower. High above the dragon, the young princess stood, magic trailing from her hands. Aiyana closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Her magic was no use against the dragon.

The dragon launched itself off the walkway and circled round the tower What does the tower look like?, higher and higher. Aiyana knew it was getting closer to her, but she still couldn't find the will to move. Instead, she flung her hands out. Magic flew out over the country and, as she dropped her hands, she felt it seep into the land itself.`

"Princess!" someone shouted. "Aiyana! Damnit girl, we need to leave! Now!"

Aiyana's eyes flew open and she turned towards the voice quickly. "General Oulam," she said, brushing her hair out of her eyes. The tall, dark-haired man rushed towards her just as the sounds of wingbeats grew louders. A dark, dark shadow fell over them as the General reached the princess. Aiyana turned towards the shadow to see the dragon rising up over the edge of the tower. The pair stared in horror as the dragon opened it's mouth, teeth gleaming in the sunlight. Love this ending; it left me hanging.

Overall, you need a lot more details in your prelude. Slow down the pacing a bit and take some time to describe things.

Now onto Chapter 1!

I didn't find any glaring errors in Chapter 1. I thought that your descriptions were very nice (especially in the first paragraph) you balanced action and details very well. And of course you left a nice little cliff hanger at the end so of course I want to read more.

You might want to consider taking out the Prelude all together; Chapter One would be a lot more suspenseful without it.

Hope this helped!

Jellybean

Hi there Scarsy! Lavs in to review as previously requested.

As jellybean already stated, I don't think a preface is very necessary. During your 'Chapter One' you do a lot of jumping around to different characters and so it will work just fine having to start off right away with a Chapter One. I'm not sure if that was very comprehensible what I just wrote, but I think you'll understand...hopefully...

Okay, let's get going:

A) Be fantastically realistic. I found when reading your chapter(s), it just wasn't as realistic as fantasy goes. That may sound odd, but there are certainly limits regarding the fantastical. For example, you can't have an evil minotaur in your story and make it as weak as possible so your "good" side prevails. Because, well, most everyone knows that any minotaur is pretty strong and big. So what I'm trying to say is that when Princess Aiyana cast whatever spell she was casting, there were no after-effects. I'm not sure if the magic in your story will have after-effects, but I think there should be because it just adds some reality. Like, to make sure nobody can just cast spells without collapsing if it's a really strong spell or getting a little more tired. Here, you wrote:

Magic flew out over the country and, as she dropped her hands, she felt it seep into the land itself.

...

Aiyana's eyes flew open and she turned towards the voice quickly.

The thing is, it simply seems that Aiyana is too strong for her own good. Maybe she is? I don't know, but perhaps you can make it clear that either she's highly trained with magic or kind of average or whatever. Personally, I think you should make her collapse to the ground or something since clearly this spell appears to be a very strong one. You could write it something like this (only a suggestion! and the italics are my insertion(s)):

Magic flew out over the country and, as she dropped her hands, she felt it seep into the land itself. Aiyana stumbled backward and fell swiftly down, her skirt billowing around her. She suddenly felt very weak, as was only expected of such a strong incantation.

...

Aiyana's eyes flew open and she turned her headtowards the voice quickly.

I don't expect you to use that example precisely, but perhaps write something similar, depending.

B) Find some originality. Now, please don't get this the wrong way. So far, you have a fairly not-original not-cliche beginning. However, the actions of the characters, the writing...it just seems void of emotion, as if stolen from someone else. You have Rasui, who is obviously hesitant of knowing (or guessing, but he's right) that Aiyana is battling the dragon magically. This shows that he doubting of a woman's strength and I find this theme very common in fantasy fiction. Then you have your Shilah, the a-bit-arrogant boy, the boy who thinks he can take on anything. It just doesn't feel much like your own story.

C) Elaborate. Your writing has little description. It does have detail and I give you credit for that, but only partially. Thing is, I find your writing too simple. You're lacking some parts in adjectives and adverbs and it made it quite challenging to try and picture the events going on. It's very simple to fix however: grab a thesaurus and find appropriate spots to describe. But! Please don't flood your writing with some much description that it gives readers a migraine. It's just as bad as too little description.



There were none except for one that I could spot, luckily

Her arms were crossed and she was looking at the ground to her right, lips drawn into a tight, thin line.

"we" to "were"

Overall, it was interesting. I'm still wondering how to pronounce Rasui's name, but the others were fairly self-explanatory despite being created for pure use of fantasy. The story is down in the depths of fantasy, obviously, sticking to every aspect for fiction like this, but, like I mentioned, incorporate some of your own ideas, right?

Yours,
Lavs