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This thread was created on November 16, 2005
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I'm back, Two poems I wrote while ill.
Topic ID: 5837
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Whatsarahsaid
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 12 Sep 2005 Posts: 144 Reviews: 53 Country: england. 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:44 pm Post subject: I'm back, Two poems I wrote while ill. |
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I've not wrote for a few months, I had block. Situation: I was bored out of my mind yesterday with the Gastric flu so I decided to write some poetry. Nothing personal, just some brainstorming resulted in what you see below. Not my best work, but I'd be happy with suggestions. Punctuation is crap I know.
NO TITLE.
White chrome, drowning in red
My blood, only mine.
I fell
I hit my head
All my fault
I pray he won't do this again
I hope my scars heal
A copper key scratches in the lock
What a homecoming..?
DOLL
My child
Opaque skin, faultless, a doll.
All mothers say this.
Your sleeping so soundly
Since that October afternoon, I've had insomnia, I've wandered streets, back to that place.
I scour for memories, details I've forgotten
But I've forgotten nothing.
Caressing your hair, dark as pitch.
Lifting a lock I expose the mark.
When my life ended.
The only mark on you
They said you were thrown clear
Kissing you softly I say good night
I leave you in your coffin
Sleeping forever more. |
_________________ Alice♥
"stay up all night with the stars." |
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Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey Master of the Forum


Age: 20 Joined: 08 Dec 2004 Posts: 1907 Reviews: 303 Country: England 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked them both. I wasn't sure about the ...? at the end of the first poem, though, it confused me a little. Also, the long line in the second poem looks out of place, those things niggle at me, but when I read it, it sounds right, like it should be one long line. Anyway, nice work. |
_________________ Matt.
http://purplezephyr.wordpress.com |
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Whatsarahsaid
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 12 Sep 2005 Posts: 144 Reviews: 53 Country: england. 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks Matt. |
_________________ Alice♥
"stay up all night with the stars." |
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| This thread was created on November 16, 2005 |
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