Young Writers Society

Staring at my ceiling has become a constant routine throughout my life. Always memorizing the patterns, mostly because they are never the same. I think of my ceiling like I think of my own life, a never ending pattern of nothingness; yet it is never the same. It always changes regardless of what I do. A slight tapping at my door turns my attention away from my memory game.

Sliding up silently I feel the dull pressure on my muscles. My arm reflexively reaches for the slender dagger laying on my dresser. Slipping it up my sleeve I stride the short distance to my door.

"What do you want?" I hear my voice but don't even recognize, what should be, a familiar monotonous tone.

Instead of answering a paper is extended to me. I hesitate before taking it from the strange man standing in my door frame. I'm familiar with these sorts of men, they are all the same really. Pathetic impudent fools with only one desire, money. They want the death of their adversaries in order to gain further wealth; and I just happen to be the fool to carry out their desires. Don't get me wrong, I care nothing for the people they wish death upon, but I find their reasoning sick. You might ask me, "If you find it sick, then why do you do it?" The answer to that is, one I get money for it. The other reason is that the world is a cruel place, nothing is fair here. If things were fair I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't be taking orders from this piece of crap standing in front of me.

I learned young though that life isn't fair, you have to deal with the cards that you have been dealt. My newest card is a girl by the name of, Rachel.



Rachel Black, a young girl, only twenty-five to be exact. Long red hair wrapping in curls down her back, and shiny amber eyes. Tall and slender just like most women of her stature. Her movements flow in a continual pattern, her heels clicking with every movement. She walks like a businesswoman.
Watching is the hard part of my job. I can't lie to you and tell you that I have any emotion towards the girl. To me her existence means nothing. My opinion mimics that of most of the world. If she died how many people would care? Family and friends of course, that is if she has any. Her type doesn't fit that of one to have many friends, maybe a lover; but not an open relationship, just a quite one. He might care, but besides that not many will shed a tear for this woman. I will just be doing the world a favor by taking away something to envy.



Staring at a ceiling constantly could drive anyone mad, even me, but it's worse to think. "Think about what?" you say. Maybe it's their faces, maybe it's the terror written all over them. Perhaps it's thinking about the process of, "getting rid of them." I don't think that's it though. I think it's the fact that I don't care that scares me. Their screams and cries mean nothing to me. Why should they? Life isn't fair, and no-one plays by the rules. If they played by the rules I wouldn't be living in this torturous hellhole. I would be dead with the rest of them. "Who might I be with?" you ask. I cannot answer that I'm afraid. I'm not sure I remember anymore. All the faces, they blur together. Maybe if I could remember their faces, just their faces, I could tell you. Oh well, back to work.

Hi flower. It is good to see you again. I know you have been a member for a while so I don't have to explain how to, but you might want to create a novel. I am assuming that this is connected with the prologue One by One.

Actually that brings me to the first problem I would like to point out. This first chapter seems very much like a prologue. The prologue you wrote actually could come after this first chapter. I think you should make this longer. Even though that would be a great lead into the next chapter I hate short chapters. Have you ever read Maximum Ride? If you have you can guess what turned me off from the book the most.

With the prologue you have shown us that you can make a great lead, but, so far, you haven't gotten to the meat of anything yet.


Another thing that I notices is that you don't have any speech besides: "What do you want?" If you don't want speech it would only take a moment to mention that they looked down at the paper and saw who their next victim is. Another small nitpick is that you don't give the girls last name. If this man is asking the assassin to kill Rachel wouldn't he give a last name? Yet another nitpick is that in the prologue you seemed to say that the assassin enjoyed their work while in this piece you talked about how they only do it because they need to and the world isn't fair. It is only a small contradiction though.

Really, besides a few grammar nitpicks, that is all I can find wrong with the piece. I really liked how you completely immersed me in the character I feel like I know them. I also liked how you started the piece and how you ended, though I think you should add more.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

This is part of my novel I do believe I set it up this way. As for this chapter I will make it longer later. I didn't have time and the chapters will be set up in parts. As for the contradiction I'm thinking of turning this character into a confused almost just plain undecisive person.

Flowa! I am here.

I suppose, since you haven't gotten any yet, I'll go on and point out a few nit-picks.

Sliding up silently, I feel the dull pressure on my muscles. My arm reflexively reaches for the slender dagger laying on my dresser. Slipping it up my sleeve, I stride the short distance to my door.

I'm not quite sure what I didn't like about this. It was either it didn't look right without the commas, or the fact that you used the exact same sentence structure twice in the same few lines. It's the sort of structure that only really works if you only use it once per every paragraph or so... or at least, in my mind. Seeing it twice in the same paragraph sort of bugs me. Of course, whether you're going to rephrase it or not is completely up to you.

I hear my voice but don't even recognize, what should be, a familiar monotonous tone.

You don't need the commas here.

My newest card is a girl by the name of, Rachel.

Once again - you don't need a comma here. If you want to keep a pause there, try using a dash instead.

Her type doesn't fit that of one to have many friends, maybe a lover; but not an open relationship, just a quite one.

The part in bold just read a little bit funny. Try rearranging it?

I would be dead with the rest of them. "Who might I be with?" you ask. I cannot answer that I'm afraid. I'm not sure I remember anymore.

The bit in bold didn't quite seem to fit right with the rest of the paragraph. I have an idea of what you meant to say by that, but in my opinion, it could (or should) be rephrased to fit better with the rest of what you're saying.


Nitpicks aside:

You have an interesting character going. You said that you wanted him to be an indecisive contradiction - which could be very interesting, but you'll have to watch how you go about it. You don't want him to get too jumpy, or it may just get annoying. It would probably help to mention somewhere (not in this chapter, but later on) that he's always been indecisive.

I don't really agree with Calligraphy when she says that this seems too much like a prologue - this is obviously the style you've chosen for your novel. But, these sorts of styles are also ones that you have to be careful with. Here, I was growing quite attached to your character - but the style can start to become distant, and the reader will lose interest. Wow, that sounded funny to me. xD I hope I'm explaining this right.

Anyways, that aside, I really did like this piece. (Quite a lot actually.)

Let me know when you have more out! ^^

~~Ish

Heya, Flow! Here to review as requested.

Rachelebecca Black

Oh, hot damn! KILL HER! KILL HER!

Err, anyway...

Okay, so I like this. It's interesting. Your MC, who we still don't know the name of actually, is a cool character. He/she (is it a guy or a girl? I'm guessing a guy, but that's probably just me being stereotypical and assuming that all assassins are dudes... x3) Anyway, yeah, he's certainly an original character. Your writing itself is good too, and you have an interesting style. It's kind of distant. Speaking of that, I may bring that up later on. ^^

I actually read the prologue of this, if I remember correctly. The main thing I noticed after reading this is that, if I'm honest, nothing much has, well, changed since then. I don't know if this is my obsession with action and violence kicking in, but I want something to... happen. So far, all we know is that the MC's an assassin, and we now know that he's going to assassinate a girl called Rachel Black. Except for that though... nothing really. I mean, unless I've missed something, we don't even know if the MC's male or female, let alone his or her background story. We don't know his or her name either.

I know you said something about making this chapter longer later on, so if you do, I'd like for you to add in some more information about, well, everything, I guess. Right now, I can't feel as though I'm really into this story, and not only because it's very short at the moment. I don't know enough about your MC or the position he's in to feel connected to it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to give me his life story or anything, but just some more information about him to help me feel a bit more... well, comfortable and familiar, I guess. I mean, what room was he even in in this scene? His house? His bedroom? Some hideout? Right now, I'm just imagining him in the middle of nowhere on a bed. xD

Like I said earlier, this has a pretty distant feel to it. Personally, I'm not keen on the distant style of writing as such, but I'll try not to be biased. Isha's mentioned this actually, I think... Distant styles can, believe it or not, make the reader feel distant from the MC. Right now, I do feel distant to your MC. I will say though that a lot of those feelings are because of the lack of things we know about the MC and his situation. Because I don't know much about him, I don't feel I know him at all or feel connected to him. That's not always a bad thing, but I think you want us to feel at least some kind of emotion towards your MC, right? Besides, it's always good to know the gender of the MC when you're reading a story.

Negatives aside, I do like this. With a bit of tweaking, I think it could be really great. Also, if you do make this longer at any point, let me know because I'd be interested in seeing what you have to add.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins